Wife's affair may spell doom for our 20-year marriage

It's hard to peg my wife as being manipulative, because I've never seen her that way. But she as always been this strange (in my mind) combination of wanting somebody to make small decisions for her, but always doing what she wanted when it came to her own self-fulfillment. So selfish is probably how I would describe her.

Example of wanting somebody else to make decisions: picking a restaurant to eat dinner at.

Example of pursuing her own fulfillment seemingly without regard to others: the first time she went away for the 10-day meditation retreat, our son was maybe 2 years old. I remember feeling like it's not very much of a "mommy" thing to do, but also wanting to be supportive of her spiritual journey.

As I think back on 20 years my feeling is that the family has been here when she wanted that, and she did her own thing otherwise.

Sometimes when I would go out with friends by myself, I'd return home and she would immediately tell me everything that went wrong while I was gone. It would come across as "filling me in", but what it really communicated to me was "this is what happens when you leave."

She is an only child, by the way.

It feels really good to get this out. She's not a monster by any stretch, but she does ALWAYS come first.

No, I wouldn't suggest she is a monster. I think you've found the right word.

With her spiritual development, she has possibly been taking the high ground? But if she tries to do that, remember that in spite of her highly-evolved state, she hasn't done what most decent people would force themselves to do; be honest with their partner.

Purple, she does think that she's hit on something with this meditation practice and that everyone can benefit from it. She's suggested it to me several times (for me to do) and I think she's been disappointed that I'm not interested. And based on some of the emails I read, she's been encouraging the other guy to fly out here and go do it too, so I think he has indicated more interest in it than I. Inviting him is a big red flag for me, isn't it?

So that's at least a part of this issue. You hear stories about couples in which one spouse gets saved and embraces Jesus and the other doesn't, or half of a couple turns to orthodox Judaism and their paths start to diverge. Doesn't really explain the affair though. As prefab suggested on the first page, I think the meditation is just an excuse and the goal is that she really wants to get her rocks off, and I just ain't doing it for her anymore.

I’m getting pretty angry with your wife map, I don’t think I have anymore to add to this convo, nothing constructive anyways.
I will keep reading though, and know that you have my sympathies, this is a real moral quagmire.

Buffy, I appreciate your responses. Months ago when I wrote those posts I could have used that advice! It's almost a year on now, and we have been divorced for several months. I got the house and most of the custody of the kids in the divorce, and she is relegated to paying too much rent for a small apartment and the man she "loved" decided to stay with his wife. My relationship with her is completely over, and I'm doing well now. We have both moved on.

Thanks Reptile. And thanks to everyone who has replied. I don't want to wear you out--you have all given me some things to chew on. I know my situation isn't really solvable by anyone other than myself.

I just want to add one more thing--I've been pretty cold and distant since I found out, with the exception of 2 or 3 moments of just breaking down with her, and she is keeping her distance from me. She's not a very confrontational person, but it seems like if she really wanted to fight to keep me, she would be doing more than what she has been doing. Clarity's a b-word.

Sky, I really appreciate the support. I believe I read your original comments and while our situations are somewhat different, I could really relate to your account with your ex. I would never go so far as to say that all adults brought up as only children behave the same way, but it was interesting to read about your experience. Thanks for that.

Hello. I thought I would provide an update to my situation to all who were so kind to respond earlier.

It has been a very up-and-down couple of weeks since this all started. I have had moments where I thought everything was going to be OK, then moments where I couldn't pretend like everything was normal anymore. I don't need to waste all of your time describing every up and down, just that it's been wild swings.

The bottom line is this: My wife's desire is to keep us together while she pursues this relationship. She has not given up on it and is not willing to. She has told me that she wants the option of turning their relationship physical when she sees him. She wants me to accept that.

At one point I told her that I would accept their relationship and her desire to continue exploring these feelings she has for him if it remained only email/phone contact and if they did not pursue any physical contact. With her recent disclosure that she wants to be able to act on the physical side of the relationship if that arises, we realized that we are at an impasse that can't be bridged between the two of us. So we have decided to separate. She will be moving out of the house sometime in the coming weeks.

We are planning on telling the kids later today. I'm not looking forward to that conversation, but also realize that we can't continue down this path of pretending nothing is wrong. They are going to figure it out eventually.

Thanks, everyone, for reading this.

Hello. I thought I would provide an update to my situation to all who were so kind to respond earlier.

It has been a very up-and-down couple of weeks since this all started. I have had moments where I thought everything was going to be OK, then moments where I couldn't pretend like everything was normal anymore. I don't need to waste all of your time describing every up and down, just that it's been wild swings.

The bottom line is this: My wife's desire is to keep us together while she pursues this relationship. She has not given up on it and is not willing to. She has told me that she wants the option of turning their relationship physical when she sees him. She wants me to accept that.

At one point I told her that I would accept their relationship and her desire to continue exploring these feelings she has for him if it remained only email/phone contact and if they did not pursue any physical contact. With her recent disclosure that she wants to be able to act on the physical side of the relationship if that arises, we realized that we are at an impasse that can't be bridged between the two of us. So we have decided to separate. She will be moving out of the house sometime in the coming weeks.

We are planning on telling the kids later today. I'm not looking forward to that conversation, but also realize that we can't continue down this path of pretending nothing is wrong. They are going to figure it out eventually.

Thanks, everyone, for reading this.

I've thought of you many times, and wondered how things were going.

It sounds hellish. I'm so sorry.

The good thing is, she seems to be being honest with you now. That gives you a firm footing and chance to balance. At least you won't be chasing shadows for the next few years, confused and suspicious.

Sounds like a logical outcome mapman.
How do you feel now? Now that a choice was made and gears are in motion...

Hey friend...

would you be able to live without her and your kids? if not, you need to re consider...people make mistakes. if you think she will not repeat it, you should consider forgiving her and continue the relation. separation is not an easy process. good luck.

Thanks for the advice. We’re well beyond that now. Divorce was final in May and I have my kids more than 50% of the time. I’m moving on with my life, and life is pretty damn good without her. Actually I never knew how good life would be without her in it!

Hi all. First time poster here. I registered with psychcentral after reading several threads and finding the responses to be generally kind, supportive, and sympathetic to peoples' problems. I've seen some people challenging the original posters on how they are thinking, and I appreciate that as well. I'm not here for an echo chamber, just words of thought from all of you.

I found out that my wife of 20 years (we are in our early 50s) is carrying on a phone/email relationship with somebody she dated before we started dating. I found out four days ago because she got a new phone and her private email started being sent to my phone too. The emails were very sexual in nature, and peppered with a lot of "love" talk directed at him. It was devastating to say the least. The emails that I found dated back about 2 months. I decided to check his phone number against our cellphone bills and found that they have been communicating for almost 10 months, since early 2017.

I figured out who the guy was and through google searching determined that he lives all the way across the country, but used to live in my city and still owns a house here. He's married as well, and I know he has applied for a job here in my town, based on their email exchanges.

I needed to talk to somebody to figure out what to do--I was physically shaking and unable to think clearly. Just coincidentally (and fortunately), later that morning I had my regular Monday therapist appointment. I've been seeing my therapist for 3 1/2 years for a variety of issues from my childhood. I told him what I found, and he gave me the courage to confront her about it.

She did not deny anything. She met him in grad school in the early-mid 1990s. She said that she broke it off with him 20+ years ago when she decided to date me exclusively. She confirmed that they hadn't seen each other in person. She told me that this all started after she completed a 10-day Vipassana meditation retreat which she has done every year for several years. Basically during that retreat she "realized" that she needed to pursue this relationship with this guy. It's something about some need that she has sexually (to be dominated) and she felt that he was the only person she could pursue this with. They've been talking several times a month for the last 10 months.

I want to tell you all the various feelings I've had since that conversation, but I don't want this to go on overly long. Suffice it to say I have never cried this much in my life. We've had few conversations over the last four days, but during one discussion yesterday she admitted to meeting him at a hotel about 2-3 years into our marriage, so that would have been 18 years ago. They had sex, and that was right after her first experience with Vipassana meditation. I had no idea about this encounter until yesterday.

So here are some of the most salient points that I really need some help with:

1. We have two kids--one in middle school and the other in high school.
2. She has told me that she doesn't want to lose me.
3. She has told me that she needs to work through this. She is not saying that she will stop, and even if she did I would not believe her because her meditation practice is such a huge part of her life.
4. I believe she has communicated with him since I found out.
5. I have informed her that I will not participate in sex or any talk having to do with loving each other until I can be certain that this affair is over. That I want to be the only love in her life and refuse to be a sucker.
6. She has more or less indicated that the fact that I do not practice Vipassana meditation is a hindrance--or at the very least not helpful--to our relationship. Not in a mean way or anything, just very matter-of-factly. More like we have different belief systems.

I asked her that how, in the universe of all the options for dealing with these sexual desires that she has (talking to me about them, marital counseling, etc.) how did she decide her best option was to betray me? Her answer was that she HAD to pay attention to what she was receiving in her Vipassana practice, and that she had tried other options to no avail. This was a clear obfuscation because she had never pursued discussing her desires with me, and we had never seen a counselor about it.

So there you have it. We will be setting up an appointment with a marital counselor in a couple of days, which I am completely open to. But I have to admit that I'm at a point where my goal here is to protect myself and my mental health, and I'm less concerned with saving the marriage. We had a good thing until four days ago and now it just feels shot.

Thanks to anyone who has read through all of this. I really appreciate any thoughts or suggestions folks might have.

p.s. I hope this doesn't come across as an indictment of Vipassana meditation. I do not blame the meditation practice for my wife's choices. Well, maybe I did for a second, but that was early on.

Hey friend...

would you be able to live without her and your kids? if not, you need to re consider...people make mistakes. if you think she will not repeat it, you should consider forgiving her and continue the relation. separation is not an easy process. good luck.

Wow, what a difference a year makes. I created this thread a year ago yesterday. I was very messed up at the time. And I had a lot of very complicated times ahead of me that I wasn't prepared for.

I'm glad to say that I'm through most of this now. I really do see that my life is much better without my ex as my partner. She was a member of my team and a part of our family only when it suited her--that's not a partnership. I want a partner that will cheer me on and who I can cheer on. Somebody who will lift me up when I'm down. Somebody who will listen to my nutty ideas and nod or laugh with me, but who is willing to listen and not roll her eyes. And most importantly: Someone who will not split her love between me and another man. I deserve that, and I deserve someone who I can give all of that back to as well. And now I have all of those things with someone new that I've been seeing for a few months. Now I'm seeing how wonderful life can be when you're with someone who really loves you.

But there are still some emotions that aren't resolved with my ex, even after a year. I have to be in contact with her to deal with our kids (both high schoolers). I know that I have to be the bigger person, but I wish the kids were older so I could eliminate contact with her completely. I am still angry and hurt at the things that she did and how she behaved after I found out. Her cruelty was presented in her "nice" way, meaning that she described herself as a person just trying to figure her feelings out, and wouldn't I, as her husband, want to support her on her path of discovery? She presented it as an innocuous search for herself--as if her actions were not wrong or hurtful, just part of her journey, and what was wrong with me that I wouldn't want her to be the best version of herself by having sex with other people? I look back on that now and see it much clearer. She did not consider me and my feelings. She did not recognize that her selfish actions were doing damage to me and she showed no empathy for me.

Still, after a full year, she has not properly asked for forgiveness. But it's been so long now that I don't think there's anything she can say that would improve our relationship. Now it is strictly a business relationship based on what the kids need and nothing more. I don't even want her to try to fix it anymore. I continue to move on. My therapist says that it's not odd that I'm still feeling the hurt and anger. A year is a long time, but not enough time to erase or dull those memories. He said that next year it will be easier, and each year after that. And again, it is so helpful to have a new person in my life who likes me for who I am and doesn't want me to be anything other than that. She's honest and patient with me--exactly what I deserved in my marriage.

So now here I am, a year later. I can't say absolutely everything is resolved, but things look much brighter than they did a year ago. AND--I'm not in a marriage with a person who would treat me as an afterthought. So to those of you who are going through a breakup and it doesn't look like your relationship is going to last, let me just say that the other side looks really great. Family, friends, and therapy were the key for me. Don't be afraid to lean on others to help you through!

I would still sue the man she had an affair with for sexual harassment and th meditation for the damaged to your marriage.