told the SO it was over

It's been almost two weeks since I told the SO that we were over. He went to his Mom's house. He and I would have been married fifteen years in just a few days from now.

I don't really know how to talk about this stuff just yet, but I think I should try to start. I'm just gonna drop this stuff here. Pardon me if/while I stumble over my words here.

The short of the why I told him he had to go was deception on his part. It's this long standing thing he does. He hides things from me and lies to me. He's admitted to gaslighting me. But I let him do it all for years. Then one night a few days before I put him out, I busted him doing something and he tried to hide it from me, knowing full well I saw it, then he lied to my face about it when I asked him some things about it. I had this aha kind of moment where I actually understood that I not only did not trust him, but could not and should not trust him and I saw that no one and no thing would/could matter more to him than his immediate wants in any given moment and just bloody hell. It broke my damn heart. He breaks my heart. That had to stop, he wouldn't stop it, so I had to and I did. I told him we were over a day or two after that and he left.

The first week was this brutal emotional roller coaster ride that I just rode out. I'd flip out, fall apart, then go numb and try not to throw up. I'm pretty sure I lost at least fifteen pounds that I can't really afford to lose. Doing better with food the last two days though so yay. The last two days have been easier, but not easy to say the least. My one daughter was here today and I was saying how I miss him. She asked if it was in a getting back together kind of way. No. No. But still, I miss the guy. I really do. There was a lot of bad, but there was good to, you know. Fifteen years brings a lot of both, I guess.

I know I'm nowhere near done processing this. It still comes and goes in waves, this sad that feels like it might actually kill me. After I get insurance stuff straight, I plan to get back to seeing a therapist. That should help. I have no idea where to begin with this stuff. It's such a mess. It's just weird to me, this sill be my second divorce. The first one was easy since he was this abusive a**hat and leaving him was like a freakin party. I hated him by the time I left. This time, nah. I can't hate this guy, he's been my best friend. Messed up, staying with him breaks my heart, but so does leaving him. Oy I got issues. I know I can pull through this, but this really hurts.

So yeah, that's where my head is tonight.

-Avery

I hope things work out. If you can't trust someone it's nearly impossible to maintain a relationship. And it's better to move on than to stay stuck in a relationship that just won't work.

^ Truth in those words.

And now I ramble some more.

Last week he was saying how I could go through his phone and he'd never leave the house. What do you say to that? I don't wanna be some weird controlling psycho and that's controlling behavior I would never tolerate from another person, much less do to someone. I'd hate myself for it. And he knows I find things like that disgusting invasions of people's privacy.

I was really pissed he'd even say such a thing to me, not just because he knows I'd hate myself if I did such things. He insists he really just goes to the gas station for forty minutes a shot even though the place is like a three minute drive from here if that. He applies for loans and won't tell me. He steals money from me and kids and won't tell me. He gets people who are not me telephones and won't tell me and his solution is to suggest I become a thing he knows I'll hate and a thing he will actively hate and resent. It's ridiculous. I don't want to go through his phone or hold him captive in his house. I wanted him to just be able to talk to me openly and honestly and he either can't or won't. It hurts.

And then he could do everything right, he could be nothing but honest from here on out, but there's still no way I could trust him given the sheer volume of things he has hidden from me, lied to me about, and/or turned back around onto me over the years. Either way it's not fair to either of us. I know this isn't love. Staying with him hurts one or both of us. But damn I miss him something fierce today. I miss him something fierce everyday.

I keep going back and forth knowing this was right and being afraid I was wrong. I have issues. I have trust issues. So I go back to thinking how I am overreacting and just being crazy and it's not so bad. Then I get hit with these thoughts of all he has done over the years and then I think, no, this was right. Then I wonder if it is right why does it hurt so much and feel so wrong. But I've been listening to him for years and just believing the lies because I don't really know how to expect different from people. I just need to pretend all is ok.

I think about how it was when I was a kid. My mom's an abusive junkie and the lies and crazy all in that leave you wondering if up really is down and lies are really truth and you get comfortable living this lie trying to pretend all is ok when nothing is ever ok. But still, you try to make it look ok. I did anyway. And I did the exact same thing with him and sometimes I know it. Other times I just wonder if it's me being paranoid and not trusting when I should trust because of my issues. I've been questioning the validity of my thoughts a lot lately. Change scares me to. Meh.

Oh but this is temporary. Emotions are temporary. Need to remind myself of that now and then. He got me all messed up and all I can do right now is wish he was here.

And this is where I am right now.

-Avery

And now I rant.

I'm angry this morning. Night before last he called me about something and mentioned how he was going to go to therapy. I said something about how I was planning to do that once I get insurance through disability. He said again how he wasn't dropping me from his insurance. I told him how I can't afford the deductible. He was acting all surprised and asked if I couldn't afford it. Uh yeah, you know this man. That's why I never use the insurance, because I can't afford the deductible or the freakin co pays. Nothing new... been like this for years. He tells me how he cares about me and if he can help pay that for me he will gladly do that since he cares for me still so very much. I took a deep breath and thanked him.

What I did not do was scream at him about what a frickin slap in the damn face that lie through his damn teeth was. It hasn't even been two months now, hell maybe not even a month since I was making myself nuts trying to find a t that would work with me and my money issues and I couldn't find any I could afford to see. That whole time he did nothing. He offered nothing. So what's different now? The fact that he doesn't like where he is and is trying to play nice or something? Dude. Every damn time before now I have needed medical help, I get nothing from him. Everytime I need dental help, nothing. Glasses? Nothin. Therapy help? Nothing. Hell, this man once threw a fit when my last t tried to get me a bed in a trauma treatment place and he carried on about how unfair it would be for me to just go off and leave him here alone so I couldn't go get the help I needed and wanted back then. Why the hell do you care about me and therapy now, *********. Ugh.

I couldn't get that man to stop stealing from me, 'borrowing gas money' from me he didn't use on frickin gas or pay me back for, he pays zero bills in this house except things he wants (cable and internet), always has pot, expensive ***** electronics, whatever he wants... He doesn't help buy food, help with holiday gifts for the kids, he doesn't help get birthday stuff for the kids, he does nothing and now his ***** wants to help me because he cares so much? Where was this care when I was running out of food and having breakdowns because the damn water was shut off. If you care so much about my mental health you wouldn't have been setting me off then ignoring me to play on your phone and get high, *********. Grrrrrrr. You wouldn't have been lying to my face, hiding all this stuff from me, telling me how I'm wrong and to blame when you go and f*** some other person and blame your damn drug dealer for all the secret loans you took out because he never gave you the pot you paid for. Wtf.

If you cared about me and wanted to help me pay for therapy, you would've done it before now. All you really had to do was stop stealing from me and/or borrowing gas money from me that didn't always get paid back or even go in your damn gas tank. If you cared about my mental health so damn much you wouldn't lie to my face, steal from me, tell me how it's my fault when you do lie and steal from me, you'd do things like help me buy food so I could have help getting my basic needs met. Little things right? Maybe help with christmas or birthday stuff for the kids and not leave everything on me because you're to busy making sure you have cable, drugs, iphones, facebook, you know things you want and screw everybody else. I've had my damn water shut off, ran out of food and there you are getting high and it's my fault and I'm the ********* because I make you treat me like crap for whatever reason you feel like telling me on any given day. Just f*** you and you care about me and getting a damn t. The only reason you care now is because you don't like it that I put you out of my house. It's not me you care about. It's you. F*** you.

And there goes my angry little tirade of the morning. Breathe in, breathe out. I know this is temporary. I know emotions are temporary. I also know that even when it makes me want to crawl out of my skin, anger is healthy, so long as I channel it properly. Venting helps. It's part of the process. I got this. And that's where I am this morning.

-Avery

What I feel like I am hearing from you is there is no "we" in "he". Your feelings matters! I wish you the very best.

Yeah, he does tend to struggle with understanding that his actions/inactions do impact others. He gets caught up in his own wants and forgets about life outside his head.



I feel compelled to explain myself here for a minute. I do have a dissociative disorder. Something that has happened to me over the years is the vanishing notebook phenomena. I'll write my thoughts, journal, whatever, then go on a mad dash to throw it all away. I lose more stuff this way. I'm mostly trying to put stuff here because I know I can't edit/delete it after a few hours and I want to be able to have some concrete thing to go back and revisit later just in case I blank all of this, and because it helps me to be able to look back at stuff later and hopefully I'll not only retain some things, but gain some perspective to... even if I sound like a ranting lunatic now and then. This is one of the places I have decided to use as a journal of sorts.

That said, perspective drop from rereading my previous stuff today.

Um, I totally failed and still kinda fail to see that him redirecting his issues back onto me is really damaging to me. Sometimes I get it, sometimes I don't. This is an important topic to bring to the future t... how do I stop just expecting people to screw me over so it's no big deal when it happens. That's some dysfunctional stuff there. And how do I learn to know when that is actually happening or if it's me and my trust issues thinking it is. With him it's easy because he owned that behavior, but not everyone will.

The insurance/copay anger wasn't about the insurance/copay. It was about me feeling like my basic needs were being disregarded/ignored by this man because he was busy taking care of his wants. That's what I think this whole thing is going to boil down to. All of it comes down to that, he ignored me and did him. The deception/lies, money stuff, his phone/screens, house stuff, all of it can be summed up in him ignoring all of that and distracting himself with what he wanted.

Then there is the emotion aspect on my end. Note to self, next time you start disconnecting and can't remember if you are able to actually feel, yes you can actually feel feelings, so stop stressing that. I find it weird to that anger is suddenly a thing I am struggling to deal with, historically anger has been easier. This time sad is the the thing that is easier, and it generally is not. Thinking it's because of the release aspect of it all. I can cry my eyes out and that's like sticking a metaphorical faucet into my head and just letting stuff out. Anger is proving to be trickier because what you do with that? I don't want to scream and yell or break things. It might be an outlet problem as well as a challenge to just be able to be angry with him. So maybe try to find healthy outlets for anger. Apples and a baseball bat maybe? The squirrels in the back yard might love me for that one when they get to chow down on the apple carnage. Hm.

Plus side though, I do understand that it is ok for me to feel angry with him and roll with it. It's just so uncomfortable, but I know why... I self blame and turn anger back on me because I think I can only impact me and no one/thing else, so no point in getting mad at others, besides it's usually my fault anyway (not reality, just my skewed thought process here). It's like some dysfunctional self protect thing here. That or an avoidance thing, you know, if I don't speak up for and defend myself it hurts less when people fail to do right by me. Maybe both. I dunno. Stuff to take to future t... yep.

-Avery

I found sorting through anger much better away from my ex, when not keeping the peace under the same roof. I like the point of pointing out that he forgets there's a world outside his head. Ignored and forgotten for 15 years is a lot to unravel from.

I understand LP what you are going thru..even thou my relationship was 1/2 of what you had in years....mine was almost 5...and I am doing the back/fourth thing that you are..and it sucks.

I've read your posts and you are ME! Our stories are so similar...except for the fact that I'm not brave enough or strong enough to walk the **** out of here. Everything your SO does to you, mine does to me. The hiding of things, lying, gaslighting, but the cheating! Oh, the cheating! I want to tell you that you are a #warrior. Don't give in. You can do this.

L.P., start a list of all the lies you know were in fact lies. Start listing the instances whereby you caught him lying outright to you. Include the instances where he gaslighted you, too. Make a complete list, and as far back as you can remember. Then, whenever you are missing him, questioning your reality or losing your nerve, refer to this list. It is a very good reminder of the reasons WHY you are separating and wanting a divorce. In no way should you go back to him. Trust is the cornerstone of a marriage and a healthy relationship. Without trust, you have no strong foundation. That foundation has crumbled. He cannot be trusted at all, and gaslighting is abusive behavior.

Please take good care of yourself right now.

I hope you're doing ok, L.P.