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Default May 25, 2018 at 01:10 PM
  #21
I recently learned something about a foreclosure because my friend had one. When it sold at government auction, the mortgage company only took the principal they were owed and my friend got to keep the rest of the money the new buyer paid. She got 30k that she didn’t know she was getting!

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Default May 25, 2018 at 01:56 PM
  #22
Exactly....

If my lawyer can have him evicted & force the sale it can sell for more. If not my lawyer has to force whatever money comes out of the house into a trust account until the marriage assets are divided by the court. When a house sells the money goes to the person on the deed.....the quit claim took my name off the deed while I was still left on the loan to hurt my credit. Only way he could have changed that was to have actually refinanced not just modify the loan like he did with thevfirst foreclosure in 2013. My H will not communicate with about anything & he believes because I was forced to sign a quit claim when he did the loan modification on the previous foreclosure....he thinks I gave him the house. I would have if I had agreed to the divorce earlier.....but decided to wait until the house went up in value....he has a awakening waiting him in the future no matter which way ut goes. Also because he didn't respond to my divorce petition the end if last year he has cost me more in huge legal fees to protect my rights so my lawyer is going for reimbursement of my costs out if anything he might get from the house. I'm not going to give up money for things either because the cost of moving things 2100 miles away is not cheap & I'm never going to move back there.

Divorce can end up nasty even when it wasn't the original intention.

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Default May 29, 2018 at 10:41 AM
  #23
I’m scared to move forward. I keep doing the same thing I did when we were together; missing him, imagining we’d be good together, believing he is the person I want him to be. I could still take him back. He doesn’t want this divorce. But it has come so far, he even screwed me over money and it’s too ugly to repair. I’ll surely get triggered and blow up at him instantly if we got back. I wish there was a way to fix it. I’m so torn. This is so hard.

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Default May 29, 2018 at 08:10 PM
  #24
The bottom line is usually that we want them fixed so we stop reacting to them the way we do. Problem is that we can't make anyone change & it us hard to come to that realization. I kept hoping my H would "get it" or that my "leaving" would shake him into realizing he had to make needed changes. In my case I realized later that he is mentally incapable of changing....so that actually meant.....accept what bothered me all those years or leave. When I could leave....that was the best choice I ever could have made but in my case I didn't miss him in the least & actually felt a peace I had never experienced before in my life which reinforced my understanding that there was nor had there ever been an emotional connection.

It is more difficult when an emotiknal connection exists. you know your reactikns & why. That is important to keep in mind when you question yourself

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Default May 30, 2018 at 09:23 AM
  #25
I’m going through the motions. My friend said to give those feelings 24 hours then see if you still want him back. I am moving forward still toward divorce. I think it’s too far in to turn back. It would just be more back/forth.

We got in a habit of going back/forth so much, it’s hard to stop.

It’s like an addiction that must be resisted.

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Default May 30, 2018 at 12:12 PM
  #26
there does come a point of no return knowing it will NEVER be different & we just can no longer tolerate.

It helps to trust our own feelings.

Many who don't want the divorce are the ones comfortable with THEIR life. But marriage isn't about one being comfortable I the other one not.

Divorce is never easy because everyone gives up something(s) & learns to do without others but the peace is usually worth it.

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Default May 31, 2018 at 01:59 PM
  #27
I’m ready to give all the papers to the lawyer, and I melted down today and think I don’t want a divorce. Having a bad day. Having PTSD.

I also have to still say this— this whole thing is about SEX! It’s still all about that. I wanted him to love me and make love to me without me having to ASK FOR IT. Now, when I get horny, it just turns to anger and feelings of humiliation due to how my h acted regarding the sex.

I wish I could crawl in a hole and disappear. IDK what I’m going to do.

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Default May 31, 2018 at 02:54 PM
  #28
Hard to make those important decisions. It shows that under it all there is an emotional connection.

Glad that wasn't part of my decision making process. The last 13 years I lived with him I didn't even want him near me.

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Default May 31, 2018 at 03:02 PM
  #29
Quote:
Originally Posted by eskielover View Post
Hard to make those important decisions. It shows that under it all there is an emotional connection.

Glad that wasn't part of my decision making process. The last 13 years I lived with him I didn't even want him near me.
I am divorcing a man I love because I hate him for not making me feel loved.

Yes, yes I know... seek professional help

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Default May 31, 2018 at 04:00 PM
  #30
This is not an usual occurance.....have you seen the movie "Book Club"....think it might hit home with some humor to lighten it up a bit.

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Default May 31, 2018 at 05:11 PM
  #31
I’ll go see it!

Could you forgive and forget it if your spouse hoarded money behind your back?

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Default May 31, 2018 at 05:32 PM
  #32
I could ONLY if he stopped doing it & we worked together from that point acciunting for EVERY PENNY that came into the marriage.....but that may be my accounting degree talking.

My H has NOT paid his house payment since Nov 2016. I know his information so monitor his credit report. His gas card stays at its max every month. Only ither thing that shows up on his credit report is his car payment. What he does with the money is beyond me.... but his irresponsibility has always been a problem to me but until my major depression hit in 1994 & I couldn't deal with keeping him on track any more it just snowballed my depression because I NEEDED to be married to someone who could be responsible like I would be if roles were reversed. I realized there was absolutely no way I could live like that & worse case, living alone at least I wouldn't have anyone doing things I difn't know about. I had lived with his irresponsibility for 33 years....by that pojnt there was no hope & no working it out. It was over I I niw budget monthly & usually very overly careful about my spending.

Have I forgiven him....nit really....I am using his irresponsibility legally against him to protect my marriage assets.....he has no desire to change & I believe there are consequences to all our behaviors...msome good....some bad. The court will be the final judge in this case.

I actually went through 1 1/2 years working wuth him showing him how to get us out of debt before moving into our 2nd home. It's obvious he chose to keRn NOTHING even though I held his hand through the whole process because he always ckmplained if no one actually taught him what they expected him to know.....lits of bad dynamics in our marriage & I never had patience for him from the beginning. The ending finances was just the FINAL STRAW.

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Default May 31, 2018 at 08:29 PM
  #33
Geez, having a partner who shares your body and your money, who you can’t trust is extremely frustrating. No wonder so many marriages fail!

If I have a PD, and if that is what caused my intimacy issue, at least I was honest about it. I told him how I felt. I told him I had friended my exes on facebook, and he said it was fine then he did it too. I told him I wasn’t happy and wanted out if we couldn’t fix it. I didn’t physically cheat. I didn’t monetarily cheat. I didn’t lie. But I didn’t fully trust him. I knew I had trust issues. I told him I did. Then he just disregarded me.

I have never wavered in the unconditional love I have for my kids. They never betrayed me, and I hope they never would. I never would betray them. But I never fully trusted my husband, and he showed me he was fairly dishonest toward me, and he has proved that he did disregard my feelings time and again.

Were my expectations too great of a husband? Did a disorder make me feel about a relationship unrealistically?

We had a long talk tonight. I told him I wish we could find a way to make things right and work on being together. BUT— I am not going to do anything yet.

My plan is to ask my lawyer about some kind of post nuptial agreement, if possible. I am at a loss. I wish I could think of a way to make this right and make this relationship healthy.

I’m stuck in neutral right now.

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Default May 31, 2018 at 10:09 PM
  #34
Some issues can be resolved by talking them through, some issues end up we can only resolve them in our own mind (as in realiving that other things in the relationship may be mire important), sometimes nothing csn be resolved & we realize that duvirce is sadly the only solution.....

No matter what, the divorce is drawing the line in the sand.

I actually thought that my really leaving would be drawing a line in the sand & hisvwake up call that things couldn't continue like they had for 33 years. I had no idea that he was incapable of change & the leaving gave me time & space to see that the problems causing me to leave were the same issues that caused me red flags before the wedding only 33 years WORSE. Not being able to get the divirce for 11 years after leaving allowed me to observe hiw really messed up he really was & everything through tjose years confirmed that at the right financial time divorce was necessary.

Each situation is so very unique, all we can to is to come up with the solution that really fits our own sutuation.

Hope talking wuth your lawyer can help you with your situations

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Default Jun 02, 2018 at 07:16 AM
  #35
The truce didn’t last 24 hours. Only one day of leaving open the possibility of getting back together. I’m put off that he didn’t ask to see me this weekend and make any effort to bring us closer. He called at 8 pm and said he was taking the kids to a violent movie tomorrow and I could come if I wanted to, but I wouldn’t like the movie. I told him he disappointed me yet again by not acting in a way I expect him to act. I expected him to call me before 8 pm and ask to see ME sometime this weekend, maybe for dinner, for some quality time together. I said, “Wouldn’t it have been in your best interest to have done that?” I think that is what a man would/should have done. I can’t deal with him for who he is. He’s a shmuck! I can’t stand him for who he is and don’t want to deal with him!

So that’s that. Back on ahead toward divorce.

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Default Jun 02, 2018 at 10:07 AM
  #36
I remember going through that at the end too. I knew if he would just react in a NORMAL way that I would know that my leaving finally got through to him & change would start to be taking place.

It NEVER HAPPENED either. I had no idea that he had no idea HOW to behave normally though he NEVER HAD. But that wouldn't habe made any difference because I was beylnd fed up. That is when you know that what you are doing is the right thing for you. Sometimes when we are drawing tje final line in the sand we do need this kind of validation that in FACT we are doing the right thing. I needed to do a lot of convincing myself too even when I was seeing red every time I was around him.

I understand what you are going through

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Default Jun 03, 2018 at 08:22 AM
  #37
I want him, but I want him to act the way I think he is supposed to act. So, that’s not going to work, obviously.

He came over with our friend, bringing two cars, to come pick up his stuff. I was so tempted to post this song on their facebook, but it would probably be used against me somehow.

https://youtu.be/YY2-mrsXgMM

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Default Jun 03, 2018 at 03:14 PM
  #38
Lol....maybe he wouldn't "get the message".....but probably best not to stir up anything just in case.....leave that to your lawyer.

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Default Jul 02, 2018 at 06:31 PM
  #39
Tisha, I am so so sorry you're having to deal with all this stress and anxiety. Divorce should of course never be the first resort.

But, that said, you have surely lived with this man long enough to know one thing for certain: This Is How He Loves.
Period. This is it, all of it, the whole thing. There is no more.
And it's not the how-he-loves that you need, so....Basta. Enough, right?

Hugs to you, my friend. This crap is just plain hard.

xo,

Chyia, BTDT and still have the scars
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Default Jul 06, 2018 at 09:16 AM
  #40
I have read through this whole thread before responding. I can ID so much with all of it. I also wanted my partner to initiate things , of course that never happened. I also didn’t want to believe that she could lie right to my face about financial matters. And then gaslight me. I also wished that I could communicate in an adult way , that never happened. I wished , I wanted , etc........
I left and then came back. Never cut the cord entirely. Big mistake.
For all my life I was told how I needed to change, and when I finally did , I got to see , with a clear head how I was being manipulated , lied to, taken advantage of , and most importantly, found out I could not trust anyone, anymore.
I was betrayed by those closest to me. I was so afraid of being alone. Yet that was the best thing that could have ever happened to me. I got clear headed and could see. But my loneliness betrayed ME. I prayed for certain things , and those things came true , only to go right back to the way it was.
In short, once the trust is gone , it’s over. It’s sad , and it hurts those of us who have feelings. You may forgive and forget, but you will know through their actions , or inactions, whether they really changed or not. It really sucks , doesn’t it.

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