Full Speed Ahead

I’m going home after a nice change of scenery. Without the dysfunctional marriage, I have no “PD”. I navigate the world and people just fine. The big city had an abundance of homeless people, howling in the streets, strung out. Those are the people who truly need psychiatric care. So sad how the government just tosses them on the street.

So I am no longer a lover. Meh, I’m middle aged and it doesn’t matter anymore. I’ll find a fulfilling purpose. Looking around at strangers, I’m not even attracted to anyone who might be attracted to me. I’m over it. Too bad the best years of my life were spent unfulfilled and miserable.

On to something new. It’ll be what I make it.

I'm with you on it all. Amazing how being away from a bad marriage can make so much difference in OUR WELLBEING.

Yes, wasted time. Always wonder if I actually would have stayed single & focused on my career even more than I did.

Having left him 11 years ago, I only wish it had been financially possible to have divorced him before now. Woukd have loved to have no ties at all to him.

I did start a whole new fulfilling life 11 years ago with it being a learning & growing time of my life at 54....alone is pretty darn good after all those years. Good friends are all I need at this point in life.

Glad you are coming to terms with your situation. I realize it takes awhile to KNOW what we have to do. Therapy is actually good because then one doesn't tend to share private stuff with friends.....much better to have a T for that & it did take intense therapy to finally get to a healthy UNDERSTANDING of myself & what I had experienced all those years. Therapy has it's purpose.

Confiding in friends lost me my friend when she proved herself toxic. Therapy taught me they don’t really know me unless the underlying issue truly is my mental health. But the therapists were of no help, only harm with some of the shytty things they said to me like I’d have never been happy with anyone or to go buy designer shoes to cope with my bad marriage. Ultimately, when I had enough I found the courage to get out. I’m really quite happy to know that I am a person who says they will and actually will follow through. I am not too afraid to take a leap into the unknown even though I have never been alone. I’ll show ‘em I will not make frantic attempts to avoid abandonment.

I found taking that dive into the unknown very empowering.....never looked back when I left 11 years ago. Like you & had never lived alone the whole 54 years of my life. These last 11 have been the BEST years & for the first time in my life I actually enjoy is even with the financial limitations....that just makes me live more wisely.

Yep, the therapy I had when still living with him was USELESS....the therapy after leaving helped me to embrace & excell on my own.....& to bring out the independent person I always had been & learn the needed skills that had been missing to really make that independence actually successful instead of always being a battle.

I am sure no one believed I could survive let alone THRIVE on my own.....I'm SURE you will SHOW THEM....you go girl!!!!

I have gone through a divorce myself to a man who never wanted to support himself and wanted alimony from me when we divorced. I left a good job to be with him and regretted doing so. Divorce is difficult for anybody who goes through it. It is emotionally, mentally, and financially draining. It took me about ten years to overcome my problems stemming from my divorce. I questioned the reason for my getting married and doing things for my ex when he never appreciated what I did and only wanted money. While I was married, I did not take care of myself since I was always taking care of him and working. I blew up and was 100 pounds overweight. And, I ran away from him because he never allowed me to leave the house without him. He was always with me wherever I went even going to work and from work. But, I found a way to run away then left my job. Well, since the money was not coming in anymore he asked for divorce. It was good because although I lost everything, I gained my freedom. I literally lost everything- my job, my marriage, my weight and gained- my freedom, my health, my sanity, etc. Truthfully, no man is worth dying or suffering for, especially if all they want to do is take advantage of you and don't care one iota about you. I think life is too short to live a life which you don't want to live. Live the way you want and if this means doing it alone for awhile, then so be it. I would not waste emotions and time with somebody who takes money from you and hoards it. I also would not waste my emotions and time with somebody who does not think of your best interest. Finally, time heals wounds. You will overcome the demise of your marriage and one day you will breathe fully without being anxious about worrying whether you did the right thing by divorcing. I also felt unwanted after my divorce. I was in my early 40s and as I said overweight and a mess. But, I slowly changed myself by losing weight and doing things to help myself. Now, I found someone else who I believe could become my life partner. I am in my 50s. So, work through your emotions some how and move away from your situation emotionally and mentally. One day, you will be just fine and realize you can have a second chance in finding someone who truly cares about you. Best Wishes!

BTW- his excuses for taking the money were, “I was in a bad place. I was doing a lot of drinking. I was saving up to buy you a present.” What a laugh! All ridiculous excuses! Then he says, “Can’t we just move on from this and not get divorced?”

At least he communicated his lies verbally to you....my H just took the money from the house without ANY communication & I know from 3rd party he is moving things out....what things, where?......that is ALL marriage assets that have to be divided & without communicating to me he is totally in violation of the petition he was served. Difficult from 2100 miles away....letting my lawyer handle it.

When it gets as far as it has in your case.....THERE IS NO TURNING BACK. Sometimes we have to get to that point before we KNOW divorce is the RIGHT thing to do. Lol....they are the ones who push us to that point....maybe intentionally who may ever know then just say they don't want the divorve to TRY & make us feel guilty (I think NOT at that point)

Yes, people have warned me to watch out for how ugly it can get once it’s time to finalize the terms of the divorce and what he might try to do.

I’ve known of so many people that did such things to each other. It traumatized me and made me hyper vigilant about it in my marriage. Here, my h, is seemingly as good as they come and still, even he, played dirty. He did it while I was telling him about those trust issues and begging him to stop with the private account.

I’m not doing too well today. I’m home after a nice vacation and hit with the reality of it all. I knew I’d have a little depression today. But my h set me off this morning, texting friendly little texts, trying to make small talk. I went off on him about the money issue and how he had no empathy for me, but at least I stopped myself after a few seconds and ended the call. But I took the 50 mg of Benadryl and passed out for two hours. That’s how I cope with the “attacks” now. I can’t eat and just get into bed all day.

I like my no contact except that he never communicated....so no contact for him is normal....especially about things that are wrong legally.

Maybe no contact except through your lawyer might be wise?

I think this is an excellent idea. He's toxic, Tisha, and you have realized the differences are irreconcilable. He's just going to keep trying to draw you back into a toxic relationship.

You probably shouldn't block his number, but I would suggest telling him that you only want communication in regards to the divorce proceedings. And then also put his number on "mute" in your phone. The messages will come through, but you will get to decide when you want to look at them all. You won't get instant notification of them.

Part of the drama was my doing yesterday. My 21 yo son is here this summer. When I was upset from the morning call, he came in my room and hovered. I told him his dad had that separate account since 2004, taunted me with it for years, and now I learned he was making money disappear from me. I know... you all will say I was wrong to involve my son, but let him know his dad did such a creepy, dishonest thing to his mom... F him. Here I am dealing with such emotional issues and trust issues and my loving husband was indeed not to be trusted.

My son’s reaction was, “That was wrong of him.” After he left my room, his lack of emotion, anger, and compassion for me, his lack of defense of me rather his passivity triggered me to get even more upset. So I said to my son, “What would someone have to do to me for any of you to defend me?” As I said it I explained to him that I was just triggered and having a bad day of let down, that I was not upset with my kids, rather that I have deep issues with this feeling of never being defended and protected stemming back from my childhood abuse and neglect. My son told me he had planned on speaking with his dad about it. They all met for the movies.

So that is what must have prompted the call I got from husband later last night. He said how sorry he is for everything he did to me. But when I again asked why he took the money, he said that was “trivial”. I heard myself saying, “It’s not trivial. I’m not crazy.” And I asked him to stop contacting me with small talk or apologies that are phoney.

It’s a Catch-22, he says being with me makes him feel like he is “walking on eggshells” and I think everything he says and does is wrong. He is purposely referring to the book on BPD. He is implying the problem is ME with having BPD! But— nearly everything he says and does IS wrong! Why would he think calling to say he’s sorry, but not even mean it, is going to bring us any closer together? It was just antagonizing. If I find fault with him, I get accused of having a disorder. It’s to the point where I have to not listen to others, not care what others say, and just trust myself. When you are being gaslighted even to the point where you are told that you are the problem for finding fault with the person who is stupidly antagonizing you with THEIR dysfunctional approach, it’s pretty maddening.

I’m still wishing he’d say or do something that does make us closer. I’ve been wishing it every time for so long! The man is a broken record of stupid. I’ve told him there are infinite possibilities of what he could do or say, yet he never comes up with anything new. He just keeps doing what doesn’t work.

Even with the sex, I said he was way too passive and doesn’t turn me on. I described exactly what I want, exactly the demeanor and way I am aroused. But then he took that to an extreme level the other way and went to physically hurt me. All he knows is 1 or 10, no level in between.

Yes, my 40 yo daughter hears just the facts about what her dad is doing. Being that she lives half way between our 2100 mile distance she can't SEE what he is doing & he SURE doesn't tell her anything either. He tries to hide what he does but even from 2100 miles away I have eyes & a way if being a good investigator.

I make sure I don't voice opinions about it....JUST THE FACTS (though questions in my mind slip out but I make sure she just knows they are my ponderings & she is NOT expected to provide answers.

She also tells me facts she learns too. We keep it on an information only basis when it comes to the divorce stuff though it has given me a chance to give her some background facts to help her understand where I am coming from & why things were the way they were. Even that I don't approach as blame.....just this is how it was.

I know she has a good relationship with her dad....he was good with kids & had 3 younger siblings....I had none & was not good with kids.....so I just tell her what is going on because she has a right to know BOTH sides.....she can pick how she choses to see it. Actually she is very objective which I like.

Now the lawyers are making a fortune figuring out what he did in the bank account. The nightmare continues. She just told me there are a few accounts he had without my knowledge. Was he a wolf in sheep’s clothing? Did he lie to my face whole assuring me he was the best, most honest guy in the world? I’m not helping the situation by throwing good money after bad. This finished me for future partnerships. If he was a liar and a thief, then no one is loyal and honest. But I was.

Dear mother****ingshithead,

You were supposed to love me. You made a vow to God. You did nothing but neglect and disrespect my needs. It’s hard to cope with the searing anger I feel. It washes over me like a fire that is so hot it feels cold. I will have to feel this burn for the rest of my life. Time will move forward. We will both go back to dust.

I’ve been ‘sick’ for the past three days, since I’ve come home from a nice trip. Having to deal with all this stress has me unable to eat, unable to have normal poops, unable to leave the house, doing my unhealthy coping skill of coffee and Benadryl and PC coping.

Sadly I can relate....right now going through my own divorce nightmare. My anger had receeded since the red I actually saw 11 years ago when I left.....but he & my daughter are definitely raising my blood pressure.

I think the root of the emotion is feeling no control and feeling small and insignificant. That’s where the fury comes from.

I’m drinking water and took hot bath. I just have to cope in healthy ways. It’s my own fault for not eating healthy food, but my stomach and throat is in knots.

Well that relationship certainly ended badly. I’m not even talking to him anymore. How I wished he would have called me back and shown me that he didn’t take more money than I already caught him at. But, alas, he never did anything I wished he’d do. All he did was make BS excuses that were obviously lies, then never called me back to discuss it properly. So now we’ll spend a fortune with lawyers. The whole house of cards comes tumbling down. I’ll pick myself up out of the rubble, brush myself off, move on.

Wouldn’t it be funny to have a wedding ceremony where the bride and groom are hooked up to a lie detector? Do you promise to love, honor, cherish? “I do” BEEP Lies!