And then there was life after divorce....

I'm writing this post for all the ladies whom are hanging on to their unhappy marriages for the sake of their children. For the person who is desperately looking for an answer to the hardest question of their life...
Should I leave my marriage?
I was here a year ago. I was heart broken and desperate for help. I couldnt tell anyone that I was thinking of leaving my marriage. I mean, what if I chickened out?? What would my mom, friends think if I said it out loud? So I wrote my thoughts here, anonymously. Sometimes I got support, but mostly I got to vent, and organize my thoughts. And it helped.
I stayed in my marriage for almost 8 years for my kids. I just outgrew my husband. No one did anything wrong. We just changed, and we couldnt meet each others needs. But we wanted to do our best for our kids. So we stayed in a fairly miserable marriage till it was blatantly obvious we weren't doing anyone any favours.
I did get more time with my kids when they were young, because I didnt have to work full time. Which I will always be grateful for, but in the long run...I did not model a good marriage. What a fair relationship looks like, or how you should be treated by your spouse.
Guess what? You deserve to be happy. You matter, not just your kids. Be very honest with yourself, you deserve it.
So I did it...
8 months ago, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. And we were both really sad...
And dropping that bomb on my kids was THE HARDEST moment of my life. 10 and 12 years old....
And managing the house was a lot of work...
And working full time, parenting alone..balancing Bills...
Challenging
And then one day..I realized I was happy.
It was like breathing again. And my kids are happier.
I planned my divorce quietly for almost 18 months. It was the smartest move EVER.
So if you find yourself reading this post, and relating to it. Here is my advice.
Have a plan. Do it for yourself and ur kids. The first 6 months are stressful. Having a nest egg of money will help.
Everyone will heal. It takes time, but you and your kids adjust.
You can find happiness again. You just have to be brave enough to reach for it. Once you start letting go of the things in your life that are not good for you, it opens up a space for some really incredible people, places,things to fill in those holes I promise it does.
I hope you all find what you are looking for in this life. And that this message reaches someone who needs it.
Thank you to the people here who helped me on my journey.

I stayed too, basically hiding in my computer engineering career so our child had a very bad picture if fighting relationships.

When she was a senior in highschool, my career ended with the aerospace decline (crash). Depression hit & I ended up financially trapped. Little did I know that my H didn't want a divorce because he finally told me when I did leave (13 years later) that a divorce would have made him look like a failure.

Like you, leaving brought a peace into my life I had never experienced before. When I initially left, ending the marriage was open but being awsy from him reinforced just how bad it was to be married to him. That peaceful feeling was interrupted a few times all due to his financial irresponsibility. Divorce had to wait because of that. Now that there is only assets to divide he is still being a total jerk & makung the divorce costly when there is no reason for it to be.

It will be awesome when I have everything final no matter how it turns out because after this crap & even his refusal to get a lawyer or communicate with my lawyers I am really lookibg forward to getting back to my peaceful life. It took until a few years ago to actually heal from all those years if luving in that envirinment before I felt ready ti go back to the stress he causes in my life even with a lawyer & a healthy life.

That peace that comes from getting out of a bad marriage environment no matter what the cause is something that words can't really describe. Just know that I finally love my life & enjoy it totally for the first time in my life.

Hi,
I am new here, have been through my divorce over a year ago. My ex husband and I did not want to split up, but try again. Lots has happened, I am tired and worn out now.
We talked of marriage again, but now I see that won't work for me. I feel trapped now, he still lives in the home (my home) but we can't get it together. I am older than him by 20 years, he wants cars and just stuff he can not afford (his mother now makes his car payments). I feel like I have been there done that as a teen. Last fight I want with him was last night. He has talked suicide often, going back to see his counselor tomorrow. Does not want me to go too, why? As a couple, I feel he is tearing us apart again... and I don't know what to do. I feel I love him and he says he still loves me. It's so complicated now. I went to therapy with him in the past and it was great, we learned coping skills/tools. I just feel left out now.

I've been officially divorced 8 years this month.

There's no looking back. It wasn't easy to get to that point or even this point.

I cannot imagine my children's outcomes even to this point had we all remained under the same roof.

Thank you whisper for this post. I have been miserable for a long time. Anexiety and stress of this situation is at a high. I wish I could be as strong as you and leave...or kick him out...since he provides no help what so ever. I only let him stay for the kids, but I too think, is this the best for them? Seeing two people who obviously hate each other try to co exist? It is not, and one day, I hope soon, I will get the courage to tell him he's got to go and stop torturing me.

Hey, I just want you to know, that I was not strong enough to leave my husband for a very long time. I stayed, if we are being truthful ....10 years. And even as a I prepared to leave. I told no one. So I could always change my mind and stay. What brought me courage...was having a plan. It took me 2 years. First, I drug myself out of a deep depression ( that was very much related to my marriage). I need to work more hours, so I found a job with more days, I quit smoking so I could lighten the expenses. I secretly saved 20 k. I went to the bank to see what i was eligible for a mortgage. And if I could keep my house on my own.
And there were MANY set backs...I was in a car accident. Which dipped into my nest egg. But as my plan came together, it gave me the confidence I needed. And I believed I deserved to be happy. And as soon as you leave the situation...a weight lifts...I promise it does.
When you are ready...just ask yourself. Do I honestly believe...anything will change?
Take care. If you need to talk, ask questions..drop me a message.

Also ask yourself if you really want to live like this the rest of your life of if you can really tolerate it any more.

It took me 13 years to be able leave too. The major depression that hit at that point (yes, the bad marriage was the major reason for the depression & not financially bekng able to leave because my aerospace career crashed & couldn't get another job & that made depression worse too. Being trapped causes depression thst the MH professionals don't seem to get or even help us understand it is really behind it all.

I actually left right after a trauma & the PTSD was bad & so was the anorexia. I am just now dealing with the marriage assets. Found out from him that he thought I would not be capable of caring for myself but after 2 years & I didn't come back reality started to set in for him. I kinda chuckled under my breath.

This experience is reinforcing EXACTLY WHY I left 11 years ago. No one quite understands how things could have been financially so bad it has taken me 11 years to finally get the divorce. It will be much better after it is all over.

Hi, I'm new here like sadsorrows above, and going through a troubled time in my marriage. Just wanted to say that Whisper888's post, especially the line I quoted, was inspiring. Your positivity in saying,

Quote:

I hope you all find what you are looking for in this life. And that this message reaches someone who needs it

further shows that you've reached the point where you've turned the corner, and can now give back. Thank you, and hope to be like you someday!


Eskielover, it was also helpful hearing about your experience, the troubles you went through, and your reaffirmation that things will be better. Hope the divorce process goes smoothly.

reading this was a breath of fresh air. I find myself only on here posting or reading when I am at my low points because when I am happy I feel okay and not in need of support.
However my husband had an affair and its been more than tough and we are growing apart. I stayed because I loved him and I felt like perhaps we could make it through this...we all make mistakes and if he really is sorry then our relationship should get better....right??
I am not so sure anymore. We did counseling and it helped some...but we are back at it and fighting every 3-4 days about the same drama (I dont trust him 100% b/c the affair and the residual self esteem/insecurity issues that came form it). Lately in the fights his anger is getting gradually worse...he punched his car stereo and shattered it. once he cooled down he said sorry and that he should not have lost his temper and it wasn't my car that he messed up so I was never mad that he hit it.
But I find myself with one foot out the door always wanting to leave, but staying for my daughter.
We just bought our first house...like weeks ago and now I am worried about what leaving would do with that and where would I go? What would i do? How would I live on my own? I cannot afford the house nor do I have the money to get a new place. I started a nest egg of about 5g but we came into $$ troubles and I used it and now I have about 300.00. I know its more than nothing, but I can't leave unprepared. I don't tell anyone because this is my 3rd marriage and I clearly have some troubles in relationships and through therapy I have figured out my issues and why I leave relationships so quickly BUT with this one I have applied all the tools and stayed and tried and I feel like I am losing.
The affair was too much, I dont think I can ever trust him 100%again. I have forgiven him but he refuses to believe so and has started to talk down to be and tell me how ****** of a person I am or will be in the future. I express how his words can be very hurtful and sometimes he will say sorry and other times he will tell me that he meant them so he won't take them back.
I just think about my daughter and how this is affect her...I mean I have drug her through 2 marriages (the 1st was to her POS bio father who has been MIA since she was 6mo so she doesnt remember) but still.
How do i help her??? How do I show her the right way and not mess her up to have the same miserable fate that I do???
UGH!!! I just don't know where to begin.

Maybe get back to therapy, even if just for yourself?
Punching out car stereos? Speaking in demeaning ways? It sounds well beyond any affair that he has had.