Divorced Parents

Hi there. I think this is the right place to post.

I'm in my 30s and my parents finally got a divorce 6 years ago. It's something I had to encourage because neither of them were happy for all of my life.

So anyway, my mother has been in a new relationship but kept it a secret from my brother and I for 3 years. We've been pushing her to break the news to my dad because her new boyfriend has been pushing to be at our college graduations that will be coming up. My brother and I are alright for the guy to come to celebrations, but we were worried about my dad since he still had no idea. I've been persuading my mother to just bite the bullet and get it over with so that events such as graduations and weddings.

My mother finally told my dad and I got an angry phone call from him regarding the fact that I knew but didn't do anything about it. I calmly explained that I didn't want to involve myself in their thing although encouraged her to tell him sooner. My dad dodged my calls after that and I recently received another angry call him from. He mentioned that out of everyone, he expected me to at least let him know and that all of us (my brother, my mother and I) made a complete fool of him.

I apologized to him and that it wasn't my intention to hurt him or make a fool of him, that I just didn't want to get involved like the time I got dragged into court to translate for them (which the judge didn't approve of, scolded my parents and told me to get out of the courtroom).

I feel badly about all of it but it was okay that I set a boundary of not wanting to get involved, right? It wasn't my business to tell and it wasn't like I was sitting idly...

I think you handled it exactly right! I hope in time your Dad will understand.

You handled it correctly. It might be worthwhile to say to your dad that you are all adults now and just because he's recoiling at the news of your mom moving forward with her life, it's out of your control and not your fault nor responsibility to share these things.

I support your approach. It sounds like Dad is still smarting but he needs to own it. What Mom does going forward is her business, and maybe she should have let him know sooner. Sounds like she may have been scared about his reaction. I'm all about healthy boundaries. Its not your place to get involved.

I think you've tried very hard to be kind to all concerned. If you could go back and do it all over again I would advise you to tell your mom that you are not able to invite her friend to your graduation because that would be unnecessarily hurtful to your father. You had no obligation to let this man come to your graduation.

I understand that you are fine with him coming. And it's fine for you to even be glad that your mother has this relationship. But, for 3 years, your mom didn't even want this guy involved with her sons. Now he's pushing to be at the graduations. Why? That is not what a gentleman does.

If he knows that his presence will be upsetting to your father, then he should be gracious and say he will not intrude on a family event. Your mom has been weirdly sneaky about a lot for a number of years. That should not get rewarded.

Your dad is wrong to blame you for the hurt he feels, but he's your dad, and he's hurting. Has he been a good dad? Does your academic achievement reflect the love and support he has invested in you? If that is even a little bit true, then I would advise you to do the following: tell your mom that her boyfriend is not invited to the graduations. If you are friendly with this man, then apologize and say you are sorry, but you must rescind the invitation. Offer to have a celebratory dinner out with your mother and him on another night. Tell him that you would be grateful for his understanding that you want to ease your father's pain. If he gets mad at you about that, then he's not much of a man, in which case I wouldn't care how he feels.

My boyfriend was previously married. I was invited to his son's high school graduation. If I thought my presence there would have caused any discomfort for the boy's mother, then I wouldn't have dreamed of going. I did not help raise that boy. Celebrating his accomplishment belongs to his mother and father. I would have no right to darken that day for his mother. It so happened that my boyfriend's ex-wife was already in a second relationship. She was perfectly happy to meet me. We all had a great time. The situation in your family is different.

I hope you work this out. You sound sincere in trying to do what is right.

Thank you for your response.

It wasn't the guy's fault that my brother and I haven't spent time with him. My mom is embarrassed about having a boyfriend and there's this cultural taboo of dating outside of our culture at an older age. So I understand her hesitancy with bringing him around us. As for him, he's had pleasant divorces (he has been divorced 3 times) and has a good relationship with all of his exes. I don't think he fully understands what his presence will do because there's a language barrier between him and my mom. (We are asian and he's Caucasian American).

As for my relationship with both of my parents, there's no good foundation. My dad's been trying to be more of a father in the last 5 years and my mom ... is something else. But I tolerate them and realize that they're both trying in their own way, and I've accepted them as they are and recognize their efforts in maintaining a relationship with me. That's the best I can do with how I grew up.

My role was keeping the family peace, maintaining connection, bringing everyone together and taking care of all things that parents should be doing. I took care of all necessary events and I kept my feelings out of most of them.

I've decided not to walk for my graduation. My father stated that he won't attend my graduation and I honestly don't want to deal with the drama that may ensue if everyone goes or if only my mom and her boyfriend attends. I'm just going to get my paper and move on. My hope for everything was too much of a dream lol.

I think you have handled this situation in a mature way. I'm sorry your parents forced you to be the adult when you were just a kid. It's too bad that you don't feel comfortable walking and getting your diploma, but I understand why you don't want to do it.

It's too bad that your graduation plan has to be changed because of adults acting like children. At this point, I would say, do what you think minimizes unpleasantness. I understand you not wanting drama. These adults seem poised to create it, given half a chance. It's your day.

Not to belabor the point, but the person who has the least claim on your consideration is Mom's boyfriend. If you've reached a decision that you think is best, then go with it and don't drive yourself nuts over this. However, this issue will probably come up again in the future. I'm not saying the boyfriend is responsible for anything. Your mom did what she wanted to do. But the boyfriend has no claim to be included in any family event at this point. You should be courteous to him, but he is not "family" - not yet. What the boyfriend wants should be the least of your concerns. What the boyfriend understands is unimportant. This is not a culture clash. Ex-husbands can feel hurt seeing a former wife with a new man. That is true in every culture on earth. A nice woman doesn't flaunt her new man at a family event that her ex-husband is attending. Your dad has to eventually adjust to reality. But he should be allowed a little time to make that adjustment. Your mom was setting up a situation with no consideration for the feelings of the father of her children. That's not nice. She's apt to do this again, so be prepared. Of course, none of this is your fault.

It's not a cultural thing? I just thought it was an American thing to make sure your partner is included in family events and celebrations. I don't have any ill feelings towards the guy, I actually feel sorry for him lol.

My T thinks that my mom has borderline personality disorder of some kind from how she reacts, behaves, etc. So this isn't a new thing she's doing. She's a bit self-centered and flies off the handle when she doesn't get what she wants.

It's just strange, this whole thing. Neither of my parents were really there for me growing up. They rarely came to my music performances and none to any of my award ceremonies. The past graduations were always dramatic and never celebratory... someone would always instigate an argument. My brother and I have dealt with it very differently, he would just get incredibly drunk on his day of graduation and avoid the family and I've just sat tight and led it ride out.

My dad is still hurt, and he makes an effort by calling me once a week (he doesn't answer when I call anymore). He just asks if I'm eating well and makes sure I'm not dead and that's what our conversations consist of these days.

My decision right now is to not walk. But I've been contemplating just having my brother there, if he wants to attend. Not sure if I want my partner to attend at all. But we'll see.

I see now where you're coming from with the culture angie, but that, I believe, was a mistaken idea on your part. There is absolutely no American, single norm about how soon and how often a partner will be included in family events. After a woman begins living with a partner, it would then be customary to regard the two of them as "an item" and invite the woman to bring her partner to family get togethers. But someone you're dating is not typically regarded as a "partner." Many Americans think of a "partner"as someone you live with, or have been commited to for years. Whether one brings a boyfriend or girlfriend to an event varies on a case-by-case basis, depending on a number of considerations. Someone you're dating, even after 3 years, should not have an expectation to be included in all family doings. It all depends. Typically, they might be . . . as in, "Why not?" But I have known several situations where a divorced couple co-hosted an event for a child and each of them came alone. This is sometimes done when one of the former spouses has moved on to a new relationship, and the other has not. The fact that your mom hasn't made her second relationship very known to her family is all the more reason wby there's nothing automatic about her bringing this guy to an event.

Your mom doesn't have to report to your dad about who she's dating. However to spring it on him at children's graduation could be considered insensitive, if he's still grieving the failure of the marriage.

Therapists should not be assigning possible diagnoses to people they haven't met. It doesn't really serve any good purpose. It doesn't change how you analyze situations, or figure out how to proceed. It has become all the rage for everybody to be diagnosing everyone else they know. This is silly, IMHO. It doesn't really shed any light on anything.

I think you did the best you could