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TishaBuv
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Default Aug 09, 2018 at 10:28 AM
  #1
I know I have to cope and be a mature parent. I intend to make the best of this for the next three years.

But I am crying my eyes out this morning because my 16 year old son chose to live with me and his dad 50/50. He could have told him he wanted to stay living in the house with me and still have seen his dad any time that he wanted to, but instead he agreed to do what his father wanted.

I wish he had more loyalty to me in this matter. I wish he had told his dad that he wanted to stay in his own house and stay with his mom. Instead my husband wins, as usual. Also, I am forced to see that none of my kids have much loyalty to me, nor do they see how their dad tortured me. They love us both equally regardless of his neglect for me and for them.

I know not to say anything to poison the kids against him and I am not. I told my son no one would think badly of him no matter what he decided. I will wear a mask of calm security and continue to be a good mother. I will remain in this prison for the next three years, then I can to anywhere and never look back.

Nobody ever had my back. I can cry my head off and I can’t control that. But I am not opening my mouth and I am not self harming. Too bad if they see me cry. There’s nothing I can do about that.

I’m just venting about this here. I will not call anyone of my former support system; mother, sisters, friends. Nobody wants to hear it. They just throw my faults in my face when they please and use it against me. So PC is a harmless vent.

Pardon me my babyishness.

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Default Aug 09, 2018 at 11:08 AM
  #2
It's understandable you'd feel hurt.
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Default Aug 09, 2018 at 05:20 PM
  #3
It is normal for kids to feel equal loyalty to both parents unless there was serious physical abuse.

My daughter at 40 defends her dad at times & at others calls him "retarded". Lol.....she calls things like they are on both sides & listens to both & makes her own decisions as it should be. I just tell her facts & I qualify any opinions that slip through.

Kids feel loyalty to both sides as both are their parents & usually their judgments are totally based on their own perceptions of their experiences.

Divorce us never easy because each side realky wants the loyalty & understanding of the kids but in reality their neutrality to both sides is the best as it tends to defuse any bad discussions that might occur. No fault divorce is best if we can take that approach too.

The last 2 weeks when I was in Ca for court I had a couple of interesting encounters with the almost X. I discussed that it was both that caused the need for divorce. (At this point no reason to point fingers). A good way for a peaceful understanding reasonable non-antagonistic closure. He realizes I have hired a good lawyer & basically am only after what is rightfully mine after 33 years of marriage.

Yes, kids have their own reality of what has gone on in their lives & it is important as you are doing to let them make their own choices as their experiences were nothing like ours.

It is tough not to have theur TOTAL support & understanding but always important to keep in mind how different their experiences & perceptions were than ours.

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Default Aug 11, 2018 at 09:29 AM
  #4
I’m over the upset. The ‘crying attack’ only lasted that day and it lasted because my other son was with me and kept talking about it and then confided in me about his own depression and we both went down the well together, holding hands. I’m more concerned about his emotional health now. He’s going to go see a therapist. He probably has generalized depression. It must be a biological issue, and now that he is over 21, he can probably go on anti depressants.

Wherever my youngest son wants to live, and whatever I have to do, I am strong enough to do.

I will try not to set myself up any more for the emotional explosion. I understand it is when i have an expectation from someone very close to me and they simply disregard me. So, I will either have zero expectation or make myself so crystal clear as to exactly what I want them to do and make them acknowledge to my face what they will do, so there is zero miscommunication and disappointment.

It has been from my husband constantly “gaslighting” me like this throughout the whole marriage. But now there were two incidents involving two of my sons. However, these incidents were tied to my husband. So, my emotional dysregulation was still triggered by my husband and not really by my sons.

Therefore, believing I have EDD, which I do acknowledge because my emotional attacks are so severe, I still say is solely triggered by my husband.

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Default Aug 12, 2018 at 03:56 PM
  #5
I am sorry you are hurting but I’d say 50/50 is fairly common arrangement when parents live close by. Whatever was going on in your marriage had nothing to do with the kids (especially bedroom related issues). They don’t need to be in the middle. I am not sure why they need to choose their loyalty to you versus him. I am just speaking as a mother. I see it as a positive step that your son wants to share his time with both you and his dad. You could also see another positive in it: freedom and time off cooking and cleaning 50% if the time
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Default Aug 13, 2018 at 07:53 AM
  #6
I’m going to be completely alone for the first time in my life for half the time. I’m terrified. I fear I’m going to sink into debilitating depression. I have an emotional disorder.

Divorcing my husband who I love because I have an emotional disorder that rears its ugly head in trying to be married to him, as he won’t meet my needs and continually gaslights me about it, I am also having to lose my son for half the time and be completely alone in this stupid, suburb, bedroom community with nothing to do.

I’m trying to be healthy. I am supposed to focus on my job and work. I will try. But I’m very depressed about all this. I am being brave. I am trying to do the right thing. It’s hard.

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Default Aug 13, 2018 at 09:40 AM
  #7
Can you find other things to be involved in around your community? I have the opposite problem. After I left my H & moved here I have become involved in so many things I end up exhausted when home & my own home suffers for it. I realized I have to dedicate more time for me & my own home but it is difficult for me as I really enjoy the things I do I just don't have money for a house keeper

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Default Aug 13, 2018 at 09:57 AM
  #8
I’m going to go buy more bags of dirt. I’ve been doing the landscaping myself all summer. Countless trips with bags of dirt in the garden. I transplanted a bush yesterday. Exhausting physical work that knocks me out and serves a purpose.

I could earn money if I focused on my job. But for now all I can handle is playing in the dirt.

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Default Aug 13, 2018 at 10:09 AM
  #9
Playing in the dirt is a great distraction & like you said....serves a purpose. Actually 2 purposes....tire you out & make your home look more beautiful.

Sometimes hard labor also helps us take out our frustrations on it too & that is a good release

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Default Aug 13, 2018 at 01:49 PM
  #10
Divorce is hard and you’ll need time to heal but being divorced doesn’t mean you need to be alone and bored. There are ton of things you can do to be busy.
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Default Aug 21, 2018 at 11:07 PM
  #11
Quote:
Originally Posted by TishaBuv View Post
I’m going to be completely alone for the first time in my life for half the time. I’m terrified. I fear I’m going to sink into debilitating depression. I have an emotional disorder.

Divorcing my husband who I love because I have an emotional disorder that rears its ugly head in trying to be married to him, as he won’t meet my needs and continually gaslights me about it, I am also having to lose my son for half the time and be completely alone in this stupid, suburb, bedroom community with nothing to do.

I’m trying to be healthy. I am supposed to focus on my job and work. I will try. But I’m very depressed about all this. I am being brave. I am trying to do the right thing. It’s hard.
Alright, Tisha, I know we don't always agree, but man, did you just take a whole lot of blame that's not yours! "Divorcing my husband who I love because I have an emotional disorder that rears its ugly head in trying to be married to him, as he won’t meet my needs and continually gaslights me about it" I thought you were divorcing him because he wouldn't do anything to meet your needs, emotionally or physically...and gaslit you about it...how is that because of your disorder? Also, if I recall, your needs weren't like super weird or anything. Maybe you have a disorder, but from what I recall, saying it's because of your disorder and not his own behavior in the marriage (um, didn't he steal money too?) is not fair to you, my friend.

I'm not sure why you're trying to blame yourself for seeking a healthier situation for yourself. I'm sorry that you are dealing with the heartache of shared custody. I'm sure many parents wish that they could have their kids all to themselves. It's not abnormal to feel this heartache. You are human. You will survive this and you will grow. I have already noticed a change in you in your posts since you started this journey.

I hate seeing you blame yourself though. I know this was about your son, but I think you made this really hard, life-changing decision to finally take care of yourself and allow yourself to be happy, and that's not because of your disorder. That's because your husband was negligent and possibly even abusive in some ways. He neglected your needs, even when you asked for them to be met, and he stole money! That's not your fault. And you protecting yourself by leaving, also not your fault. Your son will benefit so much from healthy and fulfilled Tishabuv.

I wish my mother had been brave like you and stood up for herself and left when I was a kid, so I didn't have to witness quite as much as I did. So on your son's behalf, I thank you.

Seesaw

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Default Aug 22, 2018 at 06:49 AM
  #12
Thank you, Seesaw. I don’t think we’ve ever even disagreed, maybe just have a slightly different take on things. I’m glad you touched on this for me.

I am so disgusted to see the anger and meanness come out of me, directed at my husband. My mother is like that to everybody. She never had any remorse about it. I’ve always despised her for it and swore I’d never be like her. So it kills me to see it happened to me. Aside from the fact the anger manifests itself into crying hysterically, drugging myself with enough Benadryl to knock myself out for a couple hours, and ruining my day plus my family’s, I hate that I am my mother coming out of my mouth! It magnifies my anger toward myself and that is what brought out the Borderline traits.

So, yes, I did myself and my family a favor and divorced. We all deserve peace. I have been doing very well for the past 6 months now that he’s out. That says it all, right?

As for his part in this: yes, he did ignore my very reasonable, very well communicated needs. Maybe he was immature and didn’t know how to be intimate in the adult way I wanted. Maybe he was a Jekyll and Hyde. Maybe he was slightly on spectrum. Probably all of these.

Maybe I found fault with him to push him away in hopes he’d give me what I wanted, proving his love to me, because I truly do have Borderline traits.

No one has analyzed this more than me! OCD maybe?

Yes, he did steal money and then lied about it. I finally got him to admit it. He says he doesn’t want this divorce. I told him I’d be open to a post-nup and giving more time to working on this relationship. I told him to bring the money back and make it right. But he hasn’t. He’s full of crap.

I have a long montage of traumatic meltdowns from him that gives me flashbacks. I am terrified I am damaged goods and can never have another intimate relationship.

All of you on this site have helped me greatly. I did not have good experiences with therapists.

Thank you for supporting me in not taking all of the blame on myself.

The other day, I said to him how I have been doing fine since we split up and he rolled his eyes and mimicked me while I said it!!! It was like he was tired of hearing me say it. To me, that is not a man who loves me. That’s a man who selfishly wants the marriage and doesn’t give a crap about me. That did it for me. He’s done.

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Default Aug 22, 2018 at 08:51 AM
  #13
Quote:
Maybe I found fault with him to push him away in hopes he’d give me what I wanted,
Actually it's not a borderline trait. It is normal behavior. My thinking was that when he sees I serious about leaving for all the reasons I have been expressing the past 33 years MAYBE he will realize I am serious & not just a raging ***** about it.

They have their own thinking even about our leaving though & some of it I found was holding out. Just a few weeks ago when I was out there for a legal court hearing against him we talked civily & he said that he honestly thought I couldn't make it on my own but after I was gone 2 years he realized I could & realized that it must have been him who pushed me away (no duh!!!!) But is was surprising to hear him speak that realization.

I figured that leaving was like throwing the glove down in a dual. The challenge is realize that change is needed or it's over....the challenge is whether they want to OR in my case, whether he was mentally capable (which he isn't). I had hoped the wake up call would hit him over the head but realized it not only didn't but he got worse after I left with his financial irresponsibility which in my case proved just how incapable he actually is in reality.

Lots more unfolds as the years pass...you may find this out too.

Divorces like ours are like a chess game. We make a move thinking we will force a move out if them then they make a totally different move in response than we expected.....the goal is still to win our self-respect back.

Quote:
The other day, I said to him how I have been doing fine since we split up and he rolled his eyes
I had a similar conversation. I told him I had never been happier in my life & qualified that be being my WHOLE LIFE not just my married life. He actually said he was glad & that I deserved happiness.

Yes, we have to take the responsibility that ACTUALLY is ours in the divorce....but we also have to be wise enough to lay the part that is theirs on them & not take it on ourselves. This was a conversation we had too & it actually went back to my parents & I was able to tell him how my dad who was surely on the spectrum had already created issues toward some behaviors in me as a child. Then when it ended up in my marriage my tolerance had already been challenged & didn't leave any more room to be pushed. I owned that I did NOT have the skills to deal with what was in my marriage & it opened up a very good discussion where we both ended up owning the issues that ended the marriage & caused it problems from the beginning. I was actually shocked that we were able to have that kind of closure.....but not pointing fingers & or accusations really helped.....BUT that was after 11 years of being separated & lots of thinking time & therapy time for me.

Just remember that some of your reactions are VERY NORMAL & not attributable to any MI traits.

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Leo my soulmate will live in my heart FOREVER Nov 1, 2002 - Dec 16, 2018
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