Need communication advice for currently separated

Last week, my wife asked me to leave our apartment 'to do some hard thinking' about my problem(s), our marriage situation, and what I want. (I'll get to the background in a minute.) I called my family, who advised me not to leave the apartment 'if any way possible' and make a plea for couple's counseling first. She said it 'wasn't possible' right now, and "You need to go." So, I agreed to go and allow some space for reflection/healing and am staying with my mother, out of state.

Situation/question:
Currently, we have an arrangement to talk over the phone once per week (at a set time that should work well for both of us). Beyond that, I don't know what to do or even say when I call her, let alone how to proceed from here. So I need some solid advice.

Background:
I am in my late-40s and have been un- and under-employed for the last 6 years, and had a pervasive sense of hopelessness on the job front. Things got so bad for me that often felt 'why bother applying' (I'm too long out-of-work, I can't ask the wages I used to earn, I'm too old/rusty/unskilled, etc.) and was preoccupied at blaming the state of the world for 'having no future'. Through all of this, however, I have been caring and affectionate to my wife, though admittedly I began hiding/glossing over the aspects of myself/my situation that I was ashamed of and often felt paralyzed by. Recently, I began receiving online career/resume coaching which had been helping to restore some confidence (and had the first telephone interview in two years just last month). Because of the precariousness of our financial situation, we recently moved from where we met and married, out of the city to another city we barely knew, but which would (possibly) give us a fighting chance to turn things around.

She, also late 40s, is experiencing daily panic attacks and intense anxiety for which she's started on antidepressants and is receiving CBT therapy. She regrets leaving our old place and blames me for 'making her' sick by not being a good provider for our family.

I think that I need to 1) relieve my depression symptoms and rebuild my self-esteem, 2) get to work and have a real income, 3) do what I can to allow my wife to see when I have become more trustworthy/reliable. I've already begun again on steps #1 and #2.
Thanks for reading.

Hello ThynkrThwym: I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

I'm sorry you & your wife find yourselves to be in this most difficult situation. You wrote that you don't know what to do or even say when you call your wife. Unfortunately I don't know as there is really much of anything in the way of advice I can offer either. I'm afraid the two of you may be in a position from which there simply is no logical next step. I'd have to admit I don't know what you should say on the phone either other than to talk about some of the things you're doing day-to-day in an effort to improve your circumstances.

You mentioned having broached the subject of couples counseling with your wife early on in this situation. And, at the time, she said no. However, given the current circumstances, perhaps that would be the logical next step. Or the other alternative, I suppose might be to begin arranging some "dates" the two of you could go on together. Of course the fact that you're now living out of state certainly adds another complicating factor to this.

This may or may not be accurate. But, based on what you wrote, it sounds as though your wife is really the one who is in control at this point. She's going to make the decision as to whether or not the two of you get back together & if so when & under what circumstances. And, for your part, you're relegated to trying to see if you can "measure up", so to speak. That certainly puts you in an especially difficult position I would presume. It makes your relationship now sound more like an employer / employee relationship rather than a partnership.

You alluded to some aspects of yourself & your situation you were hiding / glossing over that you were ashamed of & often felt paralyzed by. You didn't mention what those were (not that you should) or whether you have addressed them (perhaps in some sort of therapy) & been able to resolve them. I guess the one thing I can perhaps say, with regard to all of this is that, in the end, you only have control over yourself & what you do. So I think that's what you may be wanting to focus on.

At the end of your post, you listed some objectives you feel you need to accomplish, one of them being to work on your depression & self-esteem, & you mentioned you've already begun working on 2 of them. You also mentioned you're receiving some career counseling / coaching. You didn't mention if you're also participating in any kind of mental health therapy yourself. If not, this may be something else to consider. Career counseling is all well-&-good. (I was a vocational rehabilitation counselor.) But if you are harboring aspects of yourself that cause you shame & paralysis, career counseling may not resolve those issues I would presume. And it may be those things that may continue to plague regardless of how anything else goes.

Anyway... these are my thoughts with regard to your post. I wish you & your wish the best...

I typically also like to link new members to articles from PsychCentral's archives that I think may be of interest. So here a few of those. This probably looks like a lot of reading! But the articles are short. So it's not as much as it may appear:

How a Little Space and Time Can Help Heal a Relationship Crisis

Are You Ready For Divorce? 8 Questions You Should Answer

The Decision To Delay Divorce: 3 Ways Couples Delay The Inevitable

When One Spouse Wants Out of the Marriage But the Other Doesn't

Couples and Marriage Counseling

https://psychcentral.com/blog/answer...es-counseling/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/7-reaso...ge-counseling/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-time...e-best-option/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/6-comm...uples-therapy/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/what-t...es-counseling/

Thank you for all of this! For what it's worth, I've spent a few days reading up on Dr. David Burns' "5 secrets of effective communication", and will do my best to apply those steps during our phone call.

—I think you can be proud that you are moving forward. Consider retraining for a job that is in high demand: medical tech, computers, etc. Taking classes forces us to look forward and gives us a clean slate to work with, pLus networking opportunities!!!

Communication over the phone was minimal, somehow worse than I imagined - she didn't open up at all, sniped at my faults, and just wanted to talk about separating our bills/accounts - sooo she's going for full separation. Hard to stomach that this came down less than 2 weeks ago.


I'm starting therapy this week, and I'm just going to press on, I guess.

I'm sure it's difficult, but it is really for the best that she not lead you on. I won't even talk on the phone to my estranged husband, nor do I allow texts. We separated in May...email is our only correspondence. It really just becomes business transactions at this point.

Remember of love that your partner had given before seperation. Then you don't need any communication advice you only get idea. Don't miss your partner man... Stay happy

Does your wife have an income? Are your wife's panic attacks due to financial worries?

Generally, I think it's a bad idea to accept being thrown out of a home you don't wish to leave. That apartment was your home. You had a right to be there. You having left will not create any healing of the marriage problems, I don't believe. Your wife has, basically, terminated the marriage.

You didn't "make" your wife sick. An adult does not become mentally ill because another adult failed to provide their financial support. That's not how mental illness works. Who else is in this "family" besides you and she? It sounds like your wife was looking for a life raft and you turned out to not be a good one.

You are not in this world to be someone else's means of survival. (Unless that someone is your child.) Your wife needs to take more responsibility for her own plight. You need to take any job you can get, regardless of what it pays. (Or get into a program of training.) Only then will your self-esteem start to improve. Resume coaching will not restore your confidence in you. That boost you felt was you putting faith in your coach. By all means, get all the coaching you can. But get up from your laptop and leave the house. Go down to your local state employment office. Register there. Sign up for some of their classes. You need to interact with living persons who get to know you in person, not just online. Go there every morning. Start now before you get into a routine of making yourself indispensable to your mother. If your goal is to get employed back in the town where your wife lives, then maybe you should be doing what I just recommended over there. This is why leaving that apartment might not have been such a good idea. You don't need anymore "reflection." Neither does your wife. The both of you need to get going and do something productive.

If you're mainly staying home pouring over your laptop and waiting for your smartphone to ring, you are spinning your wheels. People lavish years on that kind of thing and get nowhere. Leave the house - daily.

Late 40's is quite young. You are still in your prime, mentally and physically. You are educated and have skills. You have 20 years of earning capacity left. Go to a doctor and get a formal diagnosis of depression. That qualifies you to receive assistance at your state's Department of Vocational Rehab. If you never heard of that, look it up. Your wife could do the same thing.

I don't promise you'll get your marriage back. You can get your life back. Good luck.

I got hired for a job last week!
I told my wife I'm working again, and her response was "Oh, really? Why now?" I have no rational answer, and just feel hurt by the comment.
Communication remains dry, basically focused on money concerns she has. What she does say amounts to "I'll try to take care of me, so you try to take care of yourself."
In the meantime, there's a lot I still need to sort out - I am living out of a suitcase, and a guest room.
Doing my best.

Congrats on the job! Let us know how it goes.