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DucSoup939
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Member Since: Aug 2018
Location: Phoenix AZ
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Trig Aug 25, 2018 at 09:36 AM
  #1
Not even sure where to start.... Just gutted. So confused, upset, angry, disillusioned, sad - you name it.
To be brief - I'm 50, been in a crazy up and down relationship with 42 y/o. We had a kid together early in our relationship. Things have been completely defunct with us for at least 4 years. Haven't had sex in close to 3 years.

She has long been a heavy abuser of alcohol, and often physically violent with me. I think the main reason that I stayed (this time, left her 2 other times) was to make sure that our son was safe during her drinking.

Early this year, it became obvious that she was involved with at least one other guy. Her Alc abuse was off the rails. She went out often and her stories never added up about where she was. She called me to go pick her up - blotto drunk - several times. I felt like a stupid piece of **** all the time, and she reinforced that.

This guy - who was an old work colleague from a long time ago, came back into her life. She (according to her) became very re-smitten with him right away, and he professed love for her. (Now - all this is from her. I can corroborate some of this from my memory) She went out with him a few times, usually in a group. He kept trying to get her to go home with him. Eventually she decided to go to his place to have a drink.
Possible trigger:
[Subsequently - a his colleague found out and began action against him that appears to have ruined his career. Don't know the details]

For months she was an emotional wreck - completely unavailable, angry, impatient, blaming, demanding, and so hurtful to me. I had no idea why, but her drinking was so crazy - in the months after this happened. She was traumatized, and it seems she was taking it out on me. Once she finally wanted to get help, it was such a relief. I thought that she was just getting help for her drinking, but it was really about the PTSD. She never spoke a word of what actually happened. She admitted to "kissing" him, but that's it.

Fast forward about 4 months... She got sober, and appears to be staying clean. She went into intensive therapy, and started getting medical / psych help, and got on medication for her issues, and stayed with it. We have been communicating much better, and hanging out, and having fun - enjoying being with each other for the first time in years. I think that she used the improved communication / better footing to "spill the beans".

Anyhow, I am crushed. I knew that she had an emotional affair. I knew that she was to some extent physically/ sexually involved with at least one other guy. A couple months ago I had completely written her off, and was feeling free to move on. Once she started getting help, I was lifted up, and she professed a strong desire to work things out. I was very cautiously optimistic. Things have gotten so much better week over week. I withdrew my court case to get custody of our son.

After her telling me (nearly?) everything that happened, I don't know what to do. She was having an affair - I'm hurt.
Possible trigger:
I feel like I can't trust her. I feel like I just lost all the hope that had built up over the last 2 months or so. I'm proud of her for being brave enough to be that honest with me - which has been a huge issue. Even after her sharing every detail with me - I don't trust that she told me everything - or that she hasn't told me the whole story.

I have no idea where to go with this, and I'm crushed. I don't know how to do what's best for me, nor do I have any clue about what to do with my relations with her. We still need to co-parent our son. We need to see each other, and there is still some attraction - but I don't know I can look her in the eye.
Help!

Last edited by bluekoi; Aug 26, 2018 at 01:54 PM.. Reason: Add triggger icon. Apply trigger code.
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Smile Aug 26, 2018 at 03:23 PM
  #2
Hello DucSoup: I'm sorry you find yourself to be in this most difficult situation. Unfortunately I don't think there is much I can offer in terms of advice other than to suggest that this is perhaps all something you are going to need to work through, at-length & in-depth, with the help of a mental health therapist. It's going to take time & hard work to come to grips with everything that has happened & to decide where you want to go from here.

Here are links to 9 articles, from PsychCentral's archives, that may be of some help:

To Heal After an Affair and Rebuild the Relationship

Affair Recovery: Jealousy, Forgiveness and Building Trust

Surviving Infidelity: Cheating Is Like Relationship Cancer | Surviving Infidelity

Confidential Forgiveness Quiz: To Forgive or Not to Forgive? | Surviving Infidelity

Recovery from Betrayal and Infidelity-Part I | Building Relationship Skills

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...delity-part-2/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...delity-part-3/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/relat...yourself-from/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/sex/2...ip-the-script/

My best wishes to you...

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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Thanks for this!
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Default Sep 09, 2018 at 06:55 AM
  #3
You darn well better make sure your son is safe. You absolutely do have to stay with her and your son, or else take your son and go. You can refile with the court later. If you leave that child with her, you are guilty of reckless endangerment of the boy. She is not a "co-parent." You are the "sole" parent. She's been sober 2 months. That means nothing - as you well know. She "appears" to be off drugs. How nice.

She is playing you with this rape story. I don't doubt she was raped. Drunken women get raped all the time. She's 42 and has been drinking heavy for years? She may have been raped more often than you know, or than she even remembers. I am not unsympathetic to your wife's plight. I do not judge her. I know not what turned her down the path she took. She may not know herself. With help, she may be able to recover. But she is very, very far gone into her disease. It is possible that she may be too far gone. She may be incapable of coming back. She can't be allowed to take a child with her. Left alone, without you there, it is only a matter of time before either she, or some guy she meets, horribly neglects or abuses your son.

Dealing with your S/O being raped is not at the top of your list of worries. Don't go asking for any more details. This guy doesn't matter. It is the substance use that threatens your wife. The recent rape is just the latest awful consequence of that addiction. For a woman to combine severe substance abuse with promiscuity is extremely dangerous. I'm not judging her. These are simply the facts. Stop airbrushing this picture by saying she was "smitten" by someone who "professed love" and she trustingly went up to his place, thinking it was just for a nightcap. Your S/O is no ingenue. She likes to get wasted, and she likes to do it in the company of a male. You evidently don't adequately serve that purpose. Thank goodness you don't. Someone has to take care of the kid.

No woman deserves to be raped - ever. It doesn't matter how drunk she is. But the reality is that drunk women attract rapists. The older she gets, the more scummy will be the men whom she attracts. Her prognosis is poor. I've known alcoholic women who did their drinking at home. Unfortunately, that is not your girlfriend's pattern. She craves the comraderie of drinking with others. Her disease is complicated. If she continues drinking and using, she'll find bad company faster than you can beat em off with a bat.

After your son gets a little older, he will spend a good deal of his time being worried sick about his mom. This is why I say that your hurt feelings over your S/O straying and your outrage over her being victimized are not at the top of your list of concerns. You're having trouble trusting her? Well, I should think so. Go to some Al-Anon meetings. Get an harmful of their literature. You seem pretty literate. Start reading, and stop fantasizing about how great things almost were. You don't need to know more of "the whole story." You know all you need to know. Don't encourage her storytelling. That encourages headgames. All substance abusers play them. Be supportive of her working a program. Pray. And hope. Maybe she can clean up and learn to love you.

If and when she falls off the wagon, her justification will be the "trauma" she's gone through. And you will be a heartless beast for not excusing her on that basis. This is why I say drop all talk about her "extramarital affairs." There's probably been a series of sordid encounters. I wouldn't call them "affairs." To stay clean and sober, she needs to stop thinking about them. That stuff needs to get placed in the file labeled "over" by both of you. Let professionals help her with any further processing that is needed, at least for a year. They and female alcoholics in recovery can help her. At AA she can meet other ladies with very tough stories of sexual abuse. Don't insert yourself into that. One caveat: AA meetings draw some unrecovered men, looking for unrecovered lady drinkers. That could be a pitfall for her.

Last edited by Rose76; Sep 09, 2018 at 07:40 AM..
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