Divorce and Remarriage

There are so few resources, it seems, on my particular situation, so I'm reaching out to see if anyone has experienced what I'm going through and see if you have any words of encouragement/warning etc.

I got divorced almost four years ago from a woman who I was married to for 8 years but in a relationship with for almost 12. I was 34 at the time of our divorce, I'm now 37. Our divorce was prompted by cheating on her part, but as I've delved deeper into my own healing, I've come to understand my own role in what occurred, and also just our general mis-matchedness that contributed. We did not have kids... she didn't want to (perhaps with me?) Either way, I've come to a place where I no longer am angry or hold her responsible.... in fact I've made strides to having a cordial relationship around mutual friends. But, the whole thing was VERY painful.

About a year and a half ago, I met someone who I immediately connected with after about two years of dating and having some connections, but nothing I would consider to be "in love." We've had the most amazing, fulfilling and healing relationship over the past year and a half. She is also divorced with no kids. She is a few years younger than I am, but our situations are very similar (in fact, we separated the same exact week). We have amazing communication and we have been making an active decision to communicate.

So, it has come to a place where she has told me that she wants to have a baby in the next two years. This gives us about a year to move in, get engaged, get married and get pregnant.

I am totally for this... but she is saying she has some worries/doubts about me. We both think maybe this is due to trauma from her divorce.... while she was elated when it first happened, she's only now dealing with the sadness and loss of what she lost with her ex-husband. I had the opposite process.

In addition, we come from pretty different backgrounds. I grew up working class, and she grew up very wealthy. I wouldn't call myself working class anymore.... I'm a highly educated professional, but she has been able to push herself even higher than I have been able to.... she makes about twice what I make with significantly more earning potential. This is fine for me, in a sense.... but one of the reasons she and her ex-husband got divorced were financial reasons.... he made significantly less than me and had a daughter from a previous relationship which put significant strain on them.

I'm having a lot of conflicting feelings. I'm in love with her, but I'm also nervous. I'm nervous about being able to support the expensive lifestyle she is used to and be an adequate contributor. I'm nervous that I might be getting myself into exactly the same situation I did before... but now potentially bringing a child into it.

We actually made a decision to go to couples counseling together and started it a couple of weeks ago. So far, it seems to be going pretty well..... like I said, we communicate very well, and we are so happy together. Some of the things are hard to hear, especially when it comes to her having doubts about me and about her feelings of remorse about her ex husband. She did the leaving, and I was the one who was left. The situations are somewhat similar in how the marriages fell apart.

We've been to look at engagement rings together, at her request. I know if we move forward I have a large purchase coming up soon. I also want to move in with her.... I spend about half the week or more at her house now (she owns and I rent my place) and I'm a little tired of feeling like I live between two houses. Also, when I spend the night with her..... I feel so comfortable and happy. We did an experiment about six months ago where I actually moved in with her for a week and brought everything with me, and I loved it. She's nervous about moving forward because, in her words, "What happens if you have to move out?" That makes me nervous because if I move in with her, I will be getting rid of a lot of stuff that I have that is pretty basic, but functional. She has nicer things, but not a lot of space, so bringing my stuff with me wouldn't be practical.

Truth be told, my biggest issue is her hesitancy. I think if it weren't for that, I'd be jumping for joy. I wonder how much of my anxiety has to do with my past relationship trauma..... or how much is actually a big red flag.

I know the timeline all seems short..... but it is her timeline, and I want to honor that. If it's not with me, I want her to go find someone to be the father of her children.... and the time for her to do that is now. But, I know if we split up, I will be heartbroken....

And a part of me thinks the only reason we'd be splitting up is because of the doubts anyone has in any relationship.... and that we should just move forward and take the risk.... we've both been through it before... and I know the statistics about 2nd marriages ending.

I also feel like this is it.... I know that I can have children at any age, but I don't want to be much older than I am right now and start a family. My father passed away at a young age and my mother became disabled around the same time. So, I just feel like longevity is not something that's generally on my side. But, I also really want that experience and I'm feeling it now more than ever.... I'm VERY good with kids (in fact, working with kids is a significant part of my career). I know the realities of what I'd be getting into.... I've had some fun crazy years since my divorce.... and I just don't think I want that any more.... but if not with her, then I guess I'll just be out there again.... just before her I was ready to be single indefinitely and she just suddenly dropped into my life out of nowhere.

Anyway.... any perspective anyone could offer would be highly appreciated. I'm doing my best this time to make the RIGHT decisions. I realize relationships are work and not something you just go into and sit on. I recognize how feelings change.... but we went to a wedding this past weekend and we both spent time with a lot of the younger kids.... playing with them, dancing..... and it really stirred something in me even more that made me realize I want to have a family. I know it's not easy.... one of the reasons I was OK with not having kids with my ex was because I saw some of the things my family went through, which were very hard. But, I think I can do better....

Thanks ahead of time for your perspectives.

Hello HopefulRomantic: I see this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to PsychCentral! I don't think there is really much of anything I can offer with regard to your concerns. Hopefully there will be other members, here on PC, who will have some perspectives they can share. However here are links to some articles, from PsychCentral's archives that may be of some interest, the first by our host Dr. John Grohol, Psy.D.:

5 Secrets to a Successful Long-Term Relationship or Marriage

Couples Therapists Reveal: 15 Lessons I've Learned About Relationships

Improving the Odds for Successful Second Marriages

The Myth of the High Rate of Divorce

The Myth of the Perfect Marriage

https://psychcentral.com/lib/a-good-...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/marriag...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-he...ries-in-yours/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...your-marriage/

Hi Hopeful. I am thinking if there is already hesitation and doubt, maybe you two should take it down a notch. Just get to enjoy each other. Its seems like she is in a rush to have kids, maybe because of her age? It all seems like too much, too fast. Maybe try to live together for at least a year first. See how you two get along sharing bills, sharing chores and when something goes awry, how do you two cope? Money is the root of evil. It will make or break you and your relationship.

It seems like you are doing everything to respect what she wants such as the timeline...but is she giving back? What do you want? What do you need from her?

If she is still healing from her last marriage, she needs time too, to get her head straight.

As for the money, I hope you two will work on a budget and stick to it. She cant expect you to pay for half of everything, when you make half of her income.

I hope this helps you. Take care and good luck!!!

I don't know, H. Romantic. I think this lady night want your sperm more than she wants you.

Aaaand . . . . I think you're more in love than she is.

Then, to top it off, she won't really need you, financially.

You sound like a real nice guy who can be played by a woman. No offense intended; I mean it about the nice part.

Here's what I see easily happening. You move in . . . get married . . . and have the baby. She's glad to have you around to pitch in with some of those middle of the night feedings. I'll bet you'll be great to a pregnant wife and to a baby and to a nursing mother. I'll bet she thinks so too. (She seems to have done a lot of thinking.) Then: the baby gets weened, she gets her figure back, she hires a reliable childcare provider, and she gets back to advancing her career. Thennnn: you start to seem expendable to her. Neext: she meets a fellow professional making the same money she makes . . . . or . . . . she meets a hot, young stud who doesn't make much, but he sure can light a fire in the bedroom. And she makes enough money for the both of them.

Beware of women who don't really need you. She's already feeling bad about you giving up your apartment and your furnishings because "What happens if you have to move out?" RED FLAG, Dude. This is not the mental processes of a woman deeply in love. And stop telling yourself that her reticence is all due to trauma from a past failed marriage. I don't think she's all that traumatized.

Let's look at the cost, if you two marry and, later, she gives you the heave-ho. A twice-divorced man over 40 who is a well-educated professional can probably find another woman. (Actually, there's no "probably" about it.) But how will you like having a judge tell you how often you can see your kid. And you'll be sending checks to that household, no matter how much money your ex and her 3rd husband have. (Or else your kid will think you're a loser.) Your choice of women will start to narrow down, also. A woman doesn't love seeing some of her man's money and attention get siphoned off to go toward responsibilities from a previous relationship. (Just ask your girlfriend.)

I believe that you are good with children. I think you want a permanent family. I think you're a guy who makes permanent commitments. I'm not so sure about your girlfriend. She's doing all this hemming and hawing. You've already needed couple's counseling? You sound romantic. She sounds cool and calculating. Breaking up now would be heartbreaking for you. I think divorcing a second time and being separated from a child would be a worse heartbreak for you. You say she just suddenly dropped into your life out of nowhere? Hmm. You might want to give that some thought.