Going through a potential separation

My love life has been rolling down hill so quickly to the point that we may end up separated. We recently got engaged in January. My relationship was very strong and we were growing together, until this one situation: I planned to go to my family reunion with my family for months, and the day I was supposed to leave my fiance got sick with food poisoning/stomach virus. I talked to him to see what I needed to do and if I needed to stay - he told me to go. We both said he might get better in a day or two, so I went and asked his best friend who lived nearby to check on h every day. I left on a Wednesday and was returning Sunday. Around Friday he called crying asking me to come home. I tried to call him down and went to my mom telling her I needed to go. She talked to him for a little while and then I talked to him, so he laid down and said that he would be okay and to stay. So I called his best friend to check on him immediately and I continued to text, call and check on him as much as I could.

Forward to when I got home, he expressed how he felt abandoned and the situation uprooted feelings of being unloved, abandoned, his separation anxiety and loneliness. He felt betrayed that I didn't stay or return when he called. And that I should not have listened to him because he just didn't want me to feel bad and how he had a fever and was not in his right mind. He also has stomach issues so he says I should not have expected him to get better quickly. I feel so guilty.

Now his anger at me has turned into bitterness and resentment. He says that he loves me and cannot imagine a life without me, but he cannot get past the bitterness he feels towards me because when people hurt him like that he shuts them out of his life. So he's trying not to shut me out of his life but his emotions and feelings are trying to force it. He has agreed to try relationship counseling but feels that he cannot handle our relationship right now.

I feel so horrible. I wish I never listened to him. A part of me says that what I want matters and that I hoped he could stay strong for me while I go to my reunion. I also wanted to see family I haven't seen since my father died. I didn't enjoy myself or see them because I needed to stay by the phone in case he needed me. But then the other part tells me that knowing his past and stomach issues, I should have stayed. I'm his fiance and should have been there.

Sorry it's so much...there is even more going on but it would be a book to type. Theres so much that is new that has happened in the past day. I am just struggling so much and it feels like my world is falling apart. Things are going downhill quickly. His birthday is also this weekend so it breaks my heart that I might not be spending it with him.

I think you did the right thing. You should not feel guilty for seeing your family. Yes he got sick. Things happen. He was not critical and you even set it up so his friend would check on him. That is more than most people would do. He told you not to come home. He needs to own his decision. It seems like he was testing you. This seems like a game to see if you would stick around because he got sick. Everyone gets sick. Everyone goes about thier life. He just had to rest and drink fluids. Would he expect you to call out of work for his stomach bug? What did he do before you came into his life? This seems a bit controlling to me on his end. Now he is shutting down and shunning you out of his life? That is crazy. He needs some help with his issues. I am sorry you are going through this. Ask yourself: is this how you want to spend the rest of your life?

One intense whirlwind leads to another and yet another. Been there, Done That and didn't bother buying the T-shirt.

I really feel for your situation. How you've characterized his response raises some concerns, specifically this exchange:


I'm not a therapist, but if you love this person and want a positive future together, I think you should encourage them to seek help for whatever these past issues are that are bleeding into the current relationship.

In the meantime, practice some Self-Compassion and talk kindly to yourself.