When Honesty Doesn’t Work...

...passive aggressive works better.

Throughout my marriage, I fought with my husband, explaining, teaching him how I need him to treat me. He repeatedly kept ignoring my demands, yes I became angry and demanding, my bad. Each time he acted like he never heard me explain what I wanted from him, which was for him to put more effort into showing me love in the way I feel loved.

I filed for divorce in February and he moved out. But we decided to make a post nup that will give us some time allotment to repair the relationship before going straight to divorce because we both do love each other and have married for 25 years.

So yesterday the day went the dysfunctional way it had been going through the marriage. I started out happy and hopeful for a good evening together. I thought about making him a nice dinner, but didn’t go shop for it. I started to get anxious about if I should invite him and thinking about the anxiety attack it will cause me if it goes bad as it has once again.

So I didn’t’ call him and waited to see if he’d call me. It was the same crap I’ve fought with him about forever. He didn’t call me come 3 p.m.

Instead of having too high expectations, I am now trying to accept him for who he is. I anticipated that he would call me later, as usual, and ask me my plans, as usual, bringing no effort. This is what he did do.

I told him my plans, which were to drive our son to his football game. He asked me if I was attending the game. I said I didn’t think I would. He asked me if I wanted him to come over. My spontaneous response was to say ‘no’ that I planned to eat leftovers and just watch TV.

Now he could have gone to our son’s game to support him, but he didn’t even think of doing that. That crossed my mind in the moment. He also could have said he wanted to go and asked me to join him. He didn’t think of doing that, either.

So I did just as I said and felt bad about how we can’t connect, feeling pessimistic about our actually repairing the marriage. Yet I felt good about blowing him off, rather than once again, futilely trying to teach him what I want from him.

Lo and behold, he called me up later and asked me for a date for tonight for dinner. He sounded so nervous, like it was his first time asking a girl out. There’s definitely something wrong with him.

I said ‘sure, I’m glad you called. I guess you realized why I blew you off tonight.’ He made some excuse that he had a bad day.

So he does know what to do. All I wanted was for him to bring something to the relationship. I am very happy to bring something too. It was just all too one sided.

It angers me that he does know what to do and can do it when he wants to, but he won’t ever just do the right thing in the first place.

I feel good about myself for doing what makes me happy by simply blowing him off rather than crying and putting up with his shyt.

I really don't see what you did here as passive aggressive--more like, it was his turn to bring something to the table.

I have begun to realize that I don't have to tell my H everything I am thinking. With acquaintences, I was taught, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say it. Seems like it makes things a lot easier to be this way with our families too...

I wasn’t sure if what I did was passive aggresssive. I suppose it was also being honest because I didn’t want to see him only to be frustrated.

You’re so right. We say things to family, things we would never say to friends or acquaintances, because we feel they are intimate and that causes fights. Is it faulty thinking to believe intimacy is expressing your true feelings and expecting the other person to care, even put you over themselves?

We had a nice dinner date together. I feel closer to him and more optimistic. It’s my turn to bring it now.