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FaithElevated
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Member Since: Nov 2018
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Default Nov 04, 2018 at 09:55 AM
  #1
Hello everyone,

I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve been married for almost 13 years. (November 16 is our anniversary.) We 2 children.

We married rather quickly into our marriage. I became pregnant and got married because that’s what I thought was best.

I have always struggled with depression but it become worse after marriage. My husband has always been very controlling. He has verbally and emotionally abused me. Gives me the silent treatment. We can go months without taking, living under the same roof, if he does not get his way. I can’t say no to him. He has been caught talking to other women. I have kicked him out. I have moved in with him after being separated. I have left. Last month he became physical. That was the final straw. I have since filed for a divorce. Spoken to a divorce lawyer and have the paperwork to serve him. I have 3 months to have him served. I know I need to do it, but actually doing it has been a struggle. I’m divided. I’m scared. And lonely. It just feels like part of me is dying a slow and painful death.

I really don’t know where to turn. I feel lost. Alone. And completely off balanced.
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healingme4me
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Default Nov 04, 2018 at 05:54 PM
  #3
Having papers served is a huge leap, no doubt about it. Are you solid in your truth that your marriage is as toxic as can be?
Silent treatments, physical aggression and other women seem like solid reasons to me.
I think what's scary is the financial ledge of going from double income to single with childrearing costs factoring in. Another thing that I found challenging is the social fallout because there are those that judge without knowing. But eventually that wears off.
Have you at least spoken with counselors in the domestic violence circuit where you've been physically battered? They can be a good resource to at least give guidance.
I have no regrets, myself in filing and walking away. It hasn't always been smooth sailing, but I wouldn't want the path we were on ever again.
I had a lot going on besides the divorce. I've grown from this in ways that perhaps I wouldn't have.
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Anonymous40643
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Default Nov 04, 2018 at 11:08 PM
  #4
Please follow through with it. You have been abused for years and now it’s physical abuse. It will only get worse if you stay. Abuse statistically worsens over time. Care about your own well being enough to take the final step. As said above, it may not be an easy road ahead, but it’s better than the one behind you.
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SuzanneZebra
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Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Cuyahoga Falls, OH
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Default Jun 25, 2019 at 08:38 AM
  #5
I'm sorry you are going through this. Divorce is a stressful, painful process. Even if the marriage was toxic, it is still a relationship. And you are grieving the death of a relationship. I agree with the above quote from Bob Marley. "You never know how strong you are until being strong is your only choice." That is so true. I, like many others have gone through this. Even when I didn't think I could, I did. And I know you can as well. So you keep your head up, girl. You got this!
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MrMoose
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Default Jun 28, 2019 at 12:03 AM
  #6
Quote:
Gives me the silent treatment. We can go months without taking, living under the same roof
I remember reading (on PC long ago!) that the “silent treatment” is one of the cruelest things one person can do to another—worse than yelling and screaming and insults and gaslighting and violence. And I think it’s true: it might not be the worst but it certainly is the cruelest: to take away a human connection like that. My ex-wife was also very active generally in trying to separate me from my friends and family and even my daughter because it gave her more control.

Anyway, the question for you is, Do you want to live with someone who is so deliberately cruel to you? Do you feel like this person is ever going to be capable of making you feel like he’s your partner?

Divorce and the future and the money and the arrangements—they’re all really scary but sometimes it’s a journey that needs to be made to escape from a bad situation.

And I hear you on the “dying” part—for me that was the golden future we should have had that took so long to go from “shining” to “a dry dead husk.”
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Rose76
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Default Jun 29, 2019 at 09:05 AM
  #7
Are your husband and you living under the same roof now? If so, I would be concerned for your physical safety. I'm glad you have an attorney. You might want to start keeping a journal. Specifically, log in any threats or bad behavior he displays. If he breaks anything, take a photo of the damage. He can't stop you from divorcing him, but he can try and make the terms of the divorce as unfavorable to you as possible. So a journal could help you in persuading a judge of the terms you want and need. Inform your attorney of any hostile behavior that he subjects you to. He's probably going to be very angry. Anticipating that may be why you hesitate to give him notice of your plan to divorce. If he behaves in a way that frightens you, know that calling the police is an option. I once decided to stop living with a female who was renting me a room in her apartment. She got hostile and started throwing my belongings down a staircase of the building we lived in. I called police, and they were very helpful and very supportive. They encouraged me to call them again to come and "stand by" when I would be going there later to get my stuff with the help of friends. Their availability to come and "stand by" when there is even just the potential for violence surprised me. It had just the right effect on my roommate.

The way you describe feeling is totally understandable. You didn't make this decision lightly. It sounds like you definitely need to get out of this marriage. Yes, it's like a death. But don't waste a lot of time shilly-shallying around. "Take the bull by the horns." You might want the kids out of the house when you first tell him. Do you have parents, or a sister, or friend they could stay with while you break the news? Don't argue with him. Don't tell him he's been a crappy husband. You're not going to convince him of anything he doesn't wish to believe. Don't try.

There will be some financial hardship, but you absolutely can survive . . . and so can the kids. I'm sorry for the pain you feel. There's no way for this to not be painful. Best to just get what you have to do over with. (Kind of like having a necessary surgery.) You're still relatively young. You can reconstruct your life and get a better handle on the depression. Don't waste time. Of course you have some good memories of happier times with this man. Don't let those recollections confuse you.
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