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Default Nov 28, 2018 at 05:39 AM
  #21
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
it's a slow process and something that you cannot rush. Thing is to work on focusing on yourself, good things in your life even when it doesn't seem like there's much, work on it. I have been through being left by a spouse and for me it was a full year to feel ok-ish and longer to find my footing and independence. although it was very painful I can say without question that it does pass eventually and there can be good things ahead but you gotta believe in that and claim it for yourself.
Thank you for your message. I think that, I thought that, if there is a problem, if there are many problems, adult people can speak together and trying to solve them. In my case the solution has been, I repeat, to throw me in the trash, saying less ore more “if you now create problems to me and to my new relationship [with a liar and betrayer, our friend) I will ruin you and your life”.
I cannot believe it even now, I cannot believe as a person could be bad. How my husband, that I knew since we were very young, has grown up with such a rage. It has been a horror movie. But...
I’m learning there are so many people in that way, I’m really sorry. I wonder how they could be happy in their life.
Now I’m not very happy, because I would like to spend my time with someone, to do everything beautiful with someone, and I do not. But in the future...
I’m not changed. I don’t feel anger towards people and men, I’m generous as I was before, I’ve patience, I love others.
Only I’ve to remove the envy. It’s sad, but they have a lot of possibilities and they are a couple...instead I’m alone and with some issues. It’s not fair, but I feel envy for them, even if I’m thinking that I’ll never desire such people in my life, on my way. I feel also anger towards them.
Please give me some suggestions to heal from envy and anger.
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Default Nov 29, 2018 at 08:21 AM
  #22
I cannot emphasize enough to focus on you, your needs, your values and your newfound freedom. I know looking at this as if it's freedom is a stretch in the beginning but let's face it, you can either dwell on the idea that you believe something is missing or you can acknowledge even if that's the case you choose to focus on what you've gained in all of this. You have a chance here to find yourself without interruption and interference of a spouse or significant other and at the moment you do not have to share time or your energy. Even though that is not what you want ultimately it's good to see the silver lining in everything we have.

Also stop focusing on others and what they have, what they are, where they have been in comparison to yourself and how you lack whatever it is that you focus on. This only serves to make you feel less than they are and it feeds the jealousy, feelings of inadequacy and ultimately, depression. It will take work to shift your thinking of course and it's not a flat path, but at first an uphill battle but it is one that is not insurmountable. Besides once you are successful in finding yourself, trust me, all that other stuff really pales in comparison.
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Default Nov 29, 2018 at 10:59 AM
  #23
Thank you s4ndm4n2006, your words are wise. I’ll try. Every day.
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Default Nov 29, 2018 at 02:33 PM
  #24
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Thank you s4ndm4n2006, your words are wise. I’ll try. Every day.
Yw. I don't know if wise but keep on going. if you have to keep coming here to ask or share stuff then do so. this place was a great help back when I went through what I did!
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Default Nov 29, 2018 at 06:56 PM
  #25
Yesterday I talked with a great friend. She told me to think to the mud I’ve been in the last 12 months, and if I really could accept in my life a person for whom it would be better if I died, if I would love a person who hurt me in a such way (so much and so badly).
I wonder if I will pass my life thinking about it, and wondering how was it possible he hated me so much. There are no answers, I’m sorry.
And it is easy to say that only with my will I’ll go pass this struggle. It’s only my will, easy to say. I have the will, but not the force.
I feel as I was looking my home burning. Yes, it happened, but I can’t believe, I can’t realize. I’m feeling like I’m looking to my life as through an open window, from the outside.
I think I’d like only to sleep and forget.
I’ve always been so strong. Now I’m weak and I’m going to be ill.
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Default Nov 30, 2018 at 01:00 PM
  #26
15 years is a long time. Your recovery from this loss is going to take time, and It will take something else, besides time. Without that something else, you will never recover. I have a family member in your situation who has become disabled by divorce and will never fully recover. You don't want that to happen to you. I'm hopeful for you because you are working. The person I know gave up on working and on other responsibilities.

Here's the other thing, besides time passing, that you need. You have to acknowledge what you did that brought you to this heartbreaking place. If you say, "I was victimized by a man who fooled me.", then you give up all your power. Sometimes, bad things happen to us that are totally out of our control. That is a self-defeating way to look at this.

Here's what makes you a true victim: Some drunk runs a red light and crashes his car into your car. The doctor tells you that you have cancer. A terrorist blows up a building while you are in it. This is not that kind of thing, where you had no part in setting yourself up for devastation. Your husband did not suddenly get substituted by a monster. Who he is is who he is and who he was. You believed what you wanted to believe. You insisted that the truth was what you wanted it to be. You kept insisting on that until reality clobbered you over the head and made it impossible for you to keep kidding yourself. You can learn from this that there is a price for buying into a fantasy. Then you can open your eyes and your heart to reality and meet it on its own terms.

Maybe it's too soon for you to consider this, but it will never be a good time. The person I know said her husband promised her that he would never hurt her, and so she trusted him. He specifically promised her that he would never be unfaithful and would never cheat on her with other women. She said she relied on that. Now she gives up on life because she got betrayed.

People do get fooled. Getting fooled by someone doesn't mean you're stupid. But spending 15 years thinking your marriage is just fine - when it is not - means you tend to believe what you want to believe. It's time to stop doing that - not to go around being negative about everything all the time . . . . . but to maintain a healthy skepticism and get to know others for who they really are.

You can give up and spend your life with a cat, but you don't have to. I recommend taking off the "rose-colored glasses."
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Default Nov 30, 2018 at 11:58 PM
  #27
Thank you very much. Your words are not soft, but I think you’re right 100%. I must stop believe I had a lovely prince. Most of my friends understood there was something wrong with us, in our couple. I was blind, or with pink lenses.
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Default Dec 01, 2018 at 01:46 AM
  #28
Good for you, Azzurrella! This is how you empower you. One year post marriage ending, you are off to a great start. Be the author of your own life story, not a blank page that someone else writes on . . . not a victim.

You have some friends worth keeping.

I am hopeful for you.
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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 07:13 AM
  #29
Hi guys!!I hope you had a good Xmas Day!!
I’m working day by day to recover. To accept pain and a new life.
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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 08:11 AM
  #30
I'm verry happy to hear it, Azzurrella! Merry Christmas! Don't give up. You can do this. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Dec 27, 2018 at 11:35 AM
  #31
Everything we go through in life counts as experience. Experience can be the source of wisdom. Wisdom makes life better.

May you be well in the new year.
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Default Jan 01, 2019 at 05:29 PM
  #32
Hi.
I feel ill.
One day I’m warmly up, one day I’m deeper down.
I’m a little tired of such up and down.
I’m shaked, I’m like on a ship in a hurricane.
The last event... My father tries to make me more reasonable, sayng that I would have to be happy with them, in this desert, far from everything and everybody...because when I will go back in the town I will be even more lonely than I am now.
I kindly requested him not to bother me anymore with his attempts of self-made therapist. I cannot struggle anymore with anything. I only hope to sleep and sleep and sleep.
But also sleeping is an effort.
I feel like a Santa Klaus of a trash movie, I have to hide myself, not to be recognized, with my luggage of thoughts that brings me down.
So tired.
Will it never end?
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Default Jan 01, 2019 at 06:07 PM
  #33
That really stinks to not have the support you need from your father in order to rebuild your self confidence and to have the needed encouragement to regain your independence.

Of course getting out into the world to make new friends and have new experiences is going to be slow going at first. However, as Eskie, who writes here often will tell, moving accross country and making new connections was life changing in a positive way.

I'd don't think that even for myself, I would be where I am now in life, if I was under the shadow of either of my parents. Old friends live far away. I've made some newer connections through the years and have seen unexpected reconnections with extended family that weren't a prominent presence before.

It takes time to heal, but not being sequestered or geographically isolated matters.
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Default Jan 02, 2019 at 04:49 AM
  #34
@all of you

Do you believe I’m on time to recover? Because of some financial issue after separation I had to come back to my parents. It is only temporary, but I’m frightened it has been the worst choice I could make. I suffer also because my ex said to me I always had done the wrong choice in my life, even if I studied with profit, I’m very good in my job, my new colleagues appreciate me and help me to be comfortable at work. Because me too, I’m helpful with every one I meet.
I feel like I’ve lost the last year of my life, as I cannot recover from this changement in my life. I’m not interested in a new relationship, I only would like to have a normal life.
Is it possible that everything I’ve done was the wrong thing? Why my ex did not help me to do the right choice? I asked his opinion, every decision was taken together.
I think he wanted only to hurt me. He cannot separate his job from his family, I was treated as a simple worker of his property. A worker not worthy, btw.
I need someone who could tell me that he’s fool. His new fiancée was more lonely than I am. So now I see there are no laws, no rules, no ethic, no moral, anything. I can just think that maybe me too I will steal the husband of a friend of mine, I must not desperate.
I did something for his friends, when they were in trouble. They only disappeared when I was.
I feel crazy.
Please tell me that I’m not.
If you have money, you can do everything. If you don’t have, you have to be silent.
Is it possible that he told me I always took the wrong choice?
He was and he is so lucky in his life...he can built and destroy at his own pleasure, nothing matters.
I hate my home, my parents that make me crazy. I feel in a cage. That was another bad choice. I thought they would love and help me, as I could do. They are old and sick, I’m the only one for them. I could not stay were I was, it was too far away; and because I had not enough money to live. So is this another wrong chioce? Everything I do is wrong?
Is this only a bad period of my life or the mirror of my future?
I have to wear a mask every time I go in the world. I’m the envy of people, it seems I have no problems. No one knows how I feel, no one understands, so I cannot talk to anyone.
It is the contrary, people tell me their own problems, because I’m wise and strong.
I’m very tired.
I would like to know if I’m in time to heal from this hate, from this cage, from rage.
Thank you.
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Default Jan 02, 2019 at 05:16 AM
  #35
So many step back for financial reasons and parents are a common stepping stone/path during a post divorce era. It's typically a safe place to land. Happens all the time.
I'd say continue creating your nest egg with work and the fewer bills that occur by virtue of staying with your parents. Keep working with your therapist to unravel the awful things that are replaying from your ex husband. Rebuild yourself -esteem and confidence.
It wasn't nice of him to run off and leave you for another woman. No it doesn't mean you are going to be like her?? Where did that idea come from?
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Default Jan 02, 2019 at 06:22 AM
  #36
@healing

Because I’ve seen that being a good person doesn’t premiate.
What I’ve learn from them?
That it is more useful and powerful to be egoist, to threaten, to lie, to deny ouselves than to be honest and good. Not to help anyone, is useless.
That me comes before than others, does not matter how many corps I will leave behind me.
Isn’t it true?
I have really to stop questioning.
Maybe it will be useful to take something to sleep and stop thinking.
I cannot accept it was my fault.
I hate my parents telling me that the problem it’s me, because I don’t accept a life of sufference and desert, as many people have.
I only hope this rage will find another person to catch.
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Default Jan 03, 2019 at 04:40 PM
  #37
Ok. Today it is better. I’m amazed from this up and down in my mood, they are not normal. I see.
Today’s feeling: I’m so angry because...I know why, and it is a stupid matter. Hope I will let go away also that one.
It is an hard pathway, but I can succeed in.
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Default Jan 16, 2019 at 05:03 PM
  #38
Hi guys!
Everything’s ok?
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Default Jan 18, 2019 at 02:01 AM
  #39
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I also don't know how long your divorce will take. It will take you some time to be ok about your divorce, and it will take time to date again. The hardest part of it all is waiting. Don't rush into another relationship, bc as a rule they don't work out!!!
I agree with this. Don't rush. You are vulnerable right now and someone might take advantage of that. Take some time with self-care and lean on the support of your female friends.
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Default Jan 18, 2019 at 04:05 AM
  #40
Thank you.
So I’m thinking and thinking... and I’ve realized that my ex husband is a bad person I don’t want anymore in my life, not to meet even at the supermarket. The woman he’s with is a false person, even worse than he his. They have no moral, no respect for people, no love for people. So let them in their present or future mud.
I’ll be a...bachelor(?) Is it possible to use this term for a woman? I don’t need anything, I’m quite good also alone, if the alternative is to stay in a ill relationship or to have someone not good near to me. I stop struggle, it is useless. People are really imperfect, and I’m tired of accepting all the rage, the sadness, the incapacity of doing something good from others.
Everyone I meet stands on his sofa waiting for something good in his life, otherwise crying on destiny and so on. I cannot tolerate anymore, I leave them with their problems, because they want to speak and speak, but nobody has time to listen. Being on the sofa....
What do you think about?
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