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Default Jan 20, 2019 at 07:28 AM
  #41
Living with your parents is stressing you out. Make a goal to become independent of them. You can achieve that.
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 04:41 AM
  #42
Hi guys!!
I would like to share with you some thoughts.
I seem a strong person. Someone who never needs help.
I don’t understand why nobody see what I’m feeling, why nobody understands that I’m fragile as others.
Since my separation I’ve had no one by my side, but a couple of friends that have maintained some distance, not entering deep in my troubles. Even if they where present at my calls, but I tried not to seek them excessively, or not to be excessively sad with them.
I’ve read that in front of a death, everyone is sensitive and full of compassion.
But in front of a divorce, no one seem to understand that is in the same manner a death, with a lot of struggles and complaints inside, even worse.
The right definitions of what I’ve felt, I found it on the web. Nobody explained to me.
Also friend, closer and not, were focused on cheating and on struggle, not on the pain of the death of a marriage.
I also have some difficult to accept the rage, I don’t understand reasons, of my ex husband. I could not recognize him as the person I married, the beloved person knew almost everything of me, my happiness, my sadness, my fears and my life projects. I cannot recognize him anymore, so I think my husband is dead himself.
I cannot understand the Macchiavelli’s plans of her new fiancé di catch him, and how he has been blind. I cannot understand his parents, they were my new family, in throwing me outside of their life. What is important for them. I were always with them.
I cannot how my parents are ignorant and plain, not to see that I’m deeply unhappy for a million of reasons.
How people live? How is it possible to live thinking only to the lunch and the dinner? How they are so rude?
I cannot believe my life has changed so badly. I try to find a reason, to see a sort of luck in all that changes, to avoid a life spent not being myself with a person (husband) who loves only himself and the idea of family he had, in which he had to have a wife, a son, grandparents. In which me or another was the same, at the end. A woman that looks perfect being better than me, non considering what is inside.
I’m full of doubts.
I pray everyday only not to have rage, not to hate.
I also fear that a specialist would not be useful. What he/she could tell me that I don’t know?
I only have to accept the state of the things?
What do you think?
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 06:10 AM
  #43
I'm so sorry, Azzurella Please do consider seeing a specialist. I think it may really help you right now. I'm so sorry you don't have any support system IRL. Getting through a divorce is already hard by itself, but it's even harder if nobody is there with us. I hope writing here helps a bit. Feel free to PM me anytime. I'm always available if you need to talk. I'm sure others here on PC will listen to you as well. Just let me know if I can do something to help you. Please don't give up. You'll get over it eventually. It just takes time. But it does get better. You can do this! You're strong and you know that. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 05:24 PM
  #44
I think you are sort of insisting on regressing to the blindness you were living in. I'm not going to retell you what I already posted, but suggest you re-read it.

I totally get that this divorce is as bad as a death, and probably worse. You are well-entitled to feel devastated.

However: You are not entitled to stay devastated forever, which is what you are setting yourself up to do. Friends and family are not going to enable you seeing your life as a permanent tragedy that you cannot recover from, eventually. If you don't recover, that will be on you.

I'm sorry, if you are not getting enough emotional support. You deserve and need that. But you have the option of rebuilding your life. If you don't, that will be on you.

I'm sorry your hopes and dreams were shattered. You really believed this man was someone who he is not. Now reality has come crashing down on you. I'm sure that's incredibly painful. The harder we believe in a fantasy, the more awful it is when that fantasy collapses.

It is your job to discover the difference between reality and fantasy. "But everything could have been so perfect, if only this man would have not betrayed me." Yeah - but he is who he is. He couldn't be who you wanted him to be. I'll take your word for it that he has been, deceptive and cruel and uncaring. Maybe he's really a jerk. He's probably not going to have a great life either.

Sometimes tragedy takes away a wonderful, loving, good husband. A heroic firefighter dies in a burning building, maybe after an arsonist lights a match. Usually, the widow goes on with her life. Usually, young widows remarry. They find a way to make life good again. It can be done.

Instead, you are saying that you should not have been disappointed so badly and you are not interested in having to start over. You are saying that "This should not have happened!"

It Is What It Is. There is no such thing as "what should be." There is what is.

I'm kind of like you. When I was young I was mad that people did so much that was wrong. My mother said: "Rose, life is as it is." I said: "That is what makes me mad!" My mother said: "Then you are going to go through life mad, and that will be too bad for you." That was the smartest thing anyone ever told me. I needed to be told that. I tend to be disappointed that life involves so much pain. As I get older, I am seeing more and more that happiness doesn't come easy to anyone. I do see how very hard most people have to struggle to make life decent for themselves. I see now that ordinary people have to put an awful lot of effort into making their lives work . . . making their jobs work . . . making their relationships work. I'm surprised so many people try as hard as they do - and just to get a modest amount of happiness. You will either take up that struggle, or you won't. It's up to you.

Instead of asking family and friends to feel bad for you, ask them to tell you about what hard things they had to deal with and how they managed to keep struggling.

When someone acts as shocked as you act over dealing with a huge disappointment, it makes me wonder if, maybe, you thought life wasn't supposed to be hard? Life is hard. It always has been. Accept that. Then do what you have to do to get where you want to go. Or you can wallow in misery, and your life will stay miserable. You are wallowing. Stop.
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Default Jan 23, 2019 at 10:10 AM
  #45
@Rose
Thank you for the time you spent for answer to my question.
I don’t think my life has to be simple, comfortable, easy. My life is not and was not. I’ve always been the maximum I could, nobody gave me anything for free. I understand than nothing is due to me, but this doesn’t mean I easily accept what I passed through.
I have not pink lenses, I had not. It’s hard to accept that a person doesn’t want to see me anymore, talk me anymore, that I’m “the enemy”, that I could die without a tear spent, after so many years. These are things that can make a person mad, but I’m always here, I’m working at the best of my skills, never complaining, never bothering anyone.
I cannot find a new way, ‘cause I feel and I’m alone.
And I wonder if I can change something, I try every day, but I’m not succeeding in that. I don’t know how to do, I know perfectly that I cannot relay on others. But how much am I able to do everything alone?
Will I pass every moment of my life alone?
Friends have their own life’s to carry on, we are different, they don’t care of being alone, sometimes they prefere to stay alone, just to remark that they don’t need anything. But then they bother me with every sort of stupid problems, as not to date anymore the guy they had a bed liaison. Maybe wise people are already in a relationship, so only this ones are free to do, sometimes, something together. And I pay attention not to talk about my feelings, there is no compassion in their minds.
I don’t want to stay in my sufferance, I don’t like it. Maybe I need only someone telling me that everything will go in the right way, not to lose my hope.
As I help everyone in my life, daily, I would like do listen that there are good people, and someone will help me. Anything more.
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Default Jan 23, 2019 at 01:58 PM
  #46
I think you should consider seeing a therapist. Once a therapist told me that sometimes we need a level of attention that we are not going to get, unless we pay someone to give it to us. You might be in that category.

You seem to have a harsh judgement of everyone in your life. It is hard to follow your line of reasoning. You need to sit down with someone IRL and talk about this.

Of course, it is possible to rebuild a good life for yourself. But your attitude has to change. I think you need a good therapist.
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Default Jan 23, 2019 at 07:11 PM
  #47
Thank you @Rose, I’ll consider to see a therapist. I’m used to resolve everything by myself, but it is possible that now I need some help outside. I know, I cannot demand everything to everyone. And it is true, there is a moment we have to pay to get attention we need. I will think about it.
I would like to say that the harsh judgment it seems I have for people, in the end it’s the harsh judgment I have for myself.
I have to forgive myself and to love myself, first.
Thank you.
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Heart Jan 24, 2019 at 01:17 AM
  #48
Hello Azzurrella. I am so sorry you are going through such pain. I am divorced myself...it is a unique and bizarre trauma to have been fully partnered with someone and then go through the process of uncoupling and rebuilding a new life without your former partner.

I'm now many years out from my divorce and things did get better. I slowly built a new life. It's a slow and gradual process. It's also not linear...there isn't a clear starting point with a steady upward trend from A to B. For a while, it can feel like a roller coaster of emotions...up, down, and all around. It will not always feel that way...you're likely still in shock at this point. You need time to grieve and a support network. If you don't have a close network of non-judgmental family or friends, a professional therapist could really help. Someone experienced in post-divorce therapy.

Remember that there are no 'wrong' feelings. It's okay to feel however you feel...angry, sad, scared, confused, betrayed. The key is to develop coping mechanisms...while you grieve the loss, learn why the marriage did not work out, explore who you are now without your former partner, develop new goals for yourself.

I truly believe that it is possible for something good and even beautiful to grow out of intense pain. That probably sounds bizarre to you now and that's okay but I've seen it happen in my own life. I hope that at some point later on your own Life path, you will look back and smile and thank yourself and say: "I DID IT! I SURVIVED! I HAVE BUILT A NEW LIFE!" You can't put a timeline on it (trust me I wanted that too!) because nobody can predict the future...whether it's a person recovering from divorce or not. In time you'll learn to trust yourself...to trust your future.

Don't be so hard on yourself Azzurrella. Of course you wish people understood and offered compassion...you just lost your life partner...that's a huge trauma. But humans often don't understand things they have never experienced. Or even 10 folks who've all been through divorce...those are ten unique experiences of 10 individuals. Each one cannot actually know how it feels for the others. When I was going through my divorce, a single friend of mine told me: "I know exactly what you're going through, I lived with a boyfriend for two years and we broke up." When she said that I was SO angry though I kept it to myself. I thought: how could she possibly know what I'm going through...comparing a two year boyfriend to my marriage of more than a decade?!" And that's how I felt that day and that's okay. And now, looking back, I think she was probably just trying to be kind but didn't choose helpful words

We can heal from trauma...slowly, with time, and professional support. Peace and healing energy to you. Hope starts today. Tell yourself that even when you don't believe it. Hope starts today
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 10:19 AM
  #49
So, it looks like I'm pretty good, but nobody imagines that I have a volcano inside. It's hard to manage, but I think it's like an influence, before or after it will pass.
I think everyone is different in reacting to particular events of their lives, and I understand that my "event" is very light in the face of other tragedies, I know. I can not say anything else.
But I also know that medicine for my illness is not a pill, a treatment or something material. I need people. Thanks to everyone who tried to teach me something. I will do my best, but I know there will be more relapses, at another time I will feel like a shoe sole. What to do? Wait, it will pass.
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Default Jan 24, 2019 at 01:52 PM
  #50
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Originally Posted by Azzurrella View Post
So, it looks like I'm pretty good, but nobody imagines that I have a volcano inside. It's hard to manage, but I think it's like an influence, before or after it will pass.
I think everyone is different in reacting to particular events of their lives, and I understand that my "event" is very light in the face of other tragedies, I know. I can not say anything else.
But I also know that medicine for my illness is not a pill, a treatment or something material. I need people. Thanks to everyone who tried to teach me something. I will do my best, but I know there will be more relapses, at another time I will feel like a shoe sole. What to do? Wait, it will pass.
Hello Azzurrella. I don't know if you were responding to my post or a different one. I never said that your trauma is "light" compared to other tragedies. Pain is pain. Nobody has a right to negate someone else's pain. If you feel like you're in hell, then you're in hell. I did not suggest taking a pill or something material to help you recover from your divorce. I suggested talking with a psychologist. Psychologists don't give pills. They talk with people, offer comfort, and coping strategies. It really helped me.

I am so sorry you feel badly. I understand. If my message did not seem supportive, perhaps it's due to a language barrier; unintentional. I was honestly trying to offer kindness.

Take care
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 10:20 AM
  #51
Hopefully
Thank you for your messages.
I really appreciate your words.
I have difficult to accept the help of a therapist, for many reasons.
First I realize that I have difficult to accept that the only person who maybe can listen to me is someone I have to pay for. This reflects the poorness of my entourage, the poorness of my family, my wrong family unable to support me in such a struggle. And I feel really unlucky for this. I have two parents but it seems I’m alone. For them is important only that I’m alive and well nourished, they only worry if I don’t eat.
This reflects the poorness of the place I live in. But in this moment I cannot leave it, for many (also economi) reasons.
This reflects the difficulty in creating new friendship, I live in a small place. Even if my colleagues loves me, even if I’m greatly respected at work, I have no friends to do something with them, to talk with them. I’m now living as an old woman with nothing in her life but her job, and her old and heavy parents.
And the second reason why I’m refusing a therapist is that I will feel loser in this struggle. My ex husband didn’t care about anything, he’s carrying on his brilliant new life, while I’m going worse. I perceive the therapy as the admission I’m worse than he is, I’m more worthless than he is, ‘cause at the end it’s me that needs help. He succeeded in destroying me, as he wanted.
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 10:26 AM
  #52
It is a bad way to go on. I don’t know how to manage it. I’m stupid. I’d like my parents they have said to me: Azzurrella go outside this weekend, go to visit your friends, go far for here and try to relax. But they are only afraid I’m going here and there losing time and money.
By the way, I work hardly. It would be correct to have some more respect of me.
Then, I encountered a pleasant man, very intelligent, he seemed. But he simply refused to understand how a divorce can minate the life of a person: you change home, have some economic issue, a great fear of the future...he only said to me that I was stupid not accepting my new life, not understanding that it could be so beautiful again.
So I feel stupid two times: stupid of finding myself unable to manage all the stress coming from divorce, stupid not to amusing and feeling free of going everywhere like I was a teenager without concerns.
What a fortune to divorce!! And I DON’T UNDERSTAND!! Bah...
Stupid for giving worth to his words, finally.
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 10:35 AM
  #53
I’ve had a hard education, never possible to do mistakes: good daughter, good student, good friend, good wife, good professionist. But it was never enough, for anyone.
I don’t know where to put my head. I’m a stone when I show my “public profile”, so strong people feel unable to give me a word. But in my inside I’m broken. Am I going mad? The worst is passed: to change home, habits, job. Taking all my things and going away from my former home. Leaving my former job and managing the natural diffidence of new colleagues, gaining their respect. It has been hard to manage the lawyers, his devil one and mine, who took so much money from me, struggling for things and money...while my inner life and my family was vanishing: what was important? To have money or love??
It was painful to manage the betrayal, to see friends go away, not really friends. You discover a lot about people around you.
I really don’t know where to put my head.
Probably I’m simply stupid. It seems I like to continue swimming in my pains.
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 11:18 AM
  #54
Bad English, I’m sorry
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 02:13 PM
  #55
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Bad English, I’m sorry

Your English is good Azzurrella Don't worry about it.
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 02:37 PM
  #56
I am sorry you're going through so much At one point, you said the worst is over...all the new changes. That's a major positive, right?

It sounds like possibly some of what you're struggling with in your thinking is perfectionism. You mentioned growing up with a hard education and being expected to never make mistakes. With that background, it makes sense that you are judging yourself and being very hard on yourself after the divorce.

If you truly don't want to talk with a therapist, you are going to need to be your own therapist in a way. You will need to start telling yourself to be patient and kind with yourself. Focus on you and your needs. Comparing yourself to others...your ex-husband or anyone else...will not bring you peace. Each of us is on our own unique path in life. We all have strengths and challenges. What are your strengths Azzurrella? Make a list to remind yourself to focus on them.

Think about your body, mind, and spirit. What do they need in order to feel happier? Make a list.

I am sorry you don't have an understanding support network. That's really hard. I did not have a support network when I got divorced. It was lonely and painful but I focused on the advice of my lawyer and psychologist and I made it through. I built a better life for myself. It can be done.

You mentioned feeling less than or weaker than your ex. You are not. You are not stupid. Your value is intrinsic...it's been present since the day you were born. Nothing can change that. Your worth isn't any more or less than anyone else's.

Since you don't want to talk to a therapist, what about looking at the research? You could start doing searches: 'strategies for moving forward after divorce' or 'how to deal with loneliness after divorce' etc. There is a lot of helpful research out there. You could check Psychology Today or Psych Central websites.

I don't recommend waiting for others to befriend you and help or telling strangers your problems (I think you mentioned telling a new man your story). I don't think that will bring you peace. People are in their own minds with their own problems and needs. Empathy is a wonderful trait but not necessarily easy to find among strangers. If your friends and family aren't offering the support you'd like, take a step back and focus on you. As with anything in life, if what we already tried didn't work, then we need to try a new approach.

Hope this helps. You'll notice that I didn't say "poor you, your life will never be the same again" because thinking like that would only add to your pain. You are a strong woman. You made it this far. Where will you go from here? That is under your control. . Happiness begins with the Self. Other people cannot create happiness for us. Other people cannot delete your unhappy thoughts, right? We need to find happiness for ourselves first. Then we can share it with others. I wish you the very best as you move forward. Be well
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 04:08 PM
  #57
@Hopefully
Thank you so much.
I’m the picture of the depressed: I do anything and I’m waiting the cosmo will do something for me. Nothing happens and I’m frustrated. I tried to be always good, and I didn’t receive what I expected. A middle-aged duck quacking and quacking. What a bad picture!! 😂
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Default Jan 25, 2019 at 04:15 PM
  #58
No, I didn’t talk so much of my situation with strangers, but I was really under stress. I’m also the woman who passed through that events, with rage and so on. I didn’t want to pretend I was different. And I thought it was not me who have to hide for what was going on. I had respect, always.
So I’m a little tired because of my job, and I know that when I’m tired I’m more fragile.
I try to be always in peace, to love other people. I find something good in everyone I meet, and I know a lot of great women and men. Who work hardly and harder than me. I hope I will be like they are.
And that these days will pass...
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Heart Jan 25, 2019 at 04:23 PM
  #59
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@Hopefully
Thank you so much.
I’m the picture of the depressed: I do anything and I’m waiting the cosmo will do something for me. Nothing happens and I’m frustrated. I tried to be always good, and I didn’t receive what I expected. A middle-aged duck quacking and quacking. What a bad picture!! 😂
I'm sorry you are depressed There are things that can help with that. Have you checked out the Depression forum here? I created several threads to comfort and cheer up people when they are depressed.

You didn't receive what you expected and you are grieving that. That's okay. And you are still alive! Who knows what the future will bring?!

Not a bad picture, in my opinion. You are the picture of an intelligent woman going through a major trauma and trying to figure out what to do. You opened up and posted on PC. That indicates strength, courage, and hope. Life is now. At this very moment. Do something, big or small, which makes you feel good. A long shower, a walk outside, buy some pretty flowers for your home, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, eat a favorite meal, drink a delicious beverage.

You say you are middle-aged...what is this is a beautiful turning point in your life? The unfaithful husband is gone. The unhappy marriage is over. What's next? You have many years ahead of you...plenty of time to find your joy and peace. I wish it for you. Remember to wish it for yourself every single day.

I just read this yesterday: tell yourself out loud "I am happy!" once every day even when you don't feel happy...see what happens after a week of doing it.

Your name is beautiful by the way, Azzurrella. I don't know if that's a profile name or actual name but beautiful either way
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Heart Jan 25, 2019 at 04:26 PM
  #60
Later when i have some time, I will send you some links to some comforting threads I created. Some are even ideas I got from research on depression. I will send them with a warm invitation for you to join us on the threads and connect. You are not alone. Folks here on PC care about you.
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