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Old 01-25-2019, 09:20 AM #51
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Hopefully
Thank you for your messages.
I really appreciate your words.
I have difficult to accept the help of a therapist, for many reasons.
First I realize that I have difficult to accept that the only person who maybe can listen to me is someone I have to pay for. This reflects the poorness of my entourage, the poorness of my family, my wrong family unable to support me in such a struggle. And I feel really unlucky for this. I have two parents but it seems Iím alone. For them is important only that Iím alive and well nourished, they only worry if I donít eat.
This reflects the poorness of the place I live in. But in this moment I cannot leave it, for many (also economi) reasons.
This reflects the difficulty in creating new friendship, I live in a small place. Even if my colleagues loves me, even if Iím greatly respected at work, I have no friends to do something with them, to talk with them. Iím now living as an old woman with nothing in her life but her job, and her old and heavy parents.
And the second reason why Iím refusing a therapist is that I will feel loser in this struggle. My ex husband didnít care about anything, heís carrying on his brilliant new life, while Iím going worse. I perceive the therapy as the admission Iím worse than he is, Iím more worthless than he is, Ďcause at the end itís me that needs help. He succeeded in destroying me, as he wanted.
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Old 01-25-2019, 09:26 AM #52
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It is a bad way to go on. I donít know how to manage it. Iím stupid. Iíd like my parents they have said to me: Azzurrella go outside this weekend, go to visit your friends, go far for here and try to relax. But they are only afraid Iím going here and there losing time and money.
By the way, I work hardly. It would be correct to have some more respect of me.
Then, I encountered a pleasant man, very intelligent, he seemed. But he simply refused to understand how a divorce can minate the life of a person: you change home, have some economic issue, a great fear of the future...he only said to me that I was stupid not accepting my new life, not understanding that it could be so beautiful again.
So I feel stupid two times: stupid of finding myself unable to manage all the stress coming from divorce, stupid not to amusing and feeling free of going everywhere like I was a teenager without concerns.
What a fortune to divorce!! And I DONíT UNDERSTAND!! Bah...
Stupid for giving worth to his words, finally.
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Old 01-25-2019, 09:35 AM #53
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Iíve had a hard education, never possible to do mistakes: good daughter, good student, good friend, good wife, good professionist. But it was never enough, for anyone.
I donít know where to put my head. Iím a stone when I show my ďpublic profileĒ, so strong people feel unable to give me a word. But in my inside Iím broken. Am I going mad? The worst is passed: to change home, habits, job. Taking all my things and going away from my former home. Leaving my former job and managing the natural diffidence of new colleagues, gaining their respect. It has been hard to manage the lawyers, his devil one and mine, who took so much money from me, struggling for things and money...while my inner life and my family was vanishing: what was important? To have money or love??
It was painful to manage the betrayal, to see friends go away, not really friends. You discover a lot about people around you.
I really donít know where to put my head.
Probably Iím simply stupid. It seems I like to continue swimming in my pains.
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Old 01-25-2019, 10:18 AM #54
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Bad English, Iím sorry
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Old 01-25-2019, 01:13 PM #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Azzurrella View Post
Bad English, Iím sorry

Your English is good Azzurrella Don't worry about it.
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Old 01-25-2019, 01:37 PM #56
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I am sorry you're going through so much At one point, you said the worst is over...all the new changes. That's a major positive, right?

It sounds like possibly some of what you're struggling with in your thinking is perfectionism. You mentioned growing up with a hard education and being expected to never make mistakes. With that background, it makes sense that you are judging yourself and being very hard on yourself after the divorce.

If you truly don't want to talk with a therapist, you are going to need to be your own therapist in a way. You will need to start telling yourself to be patient and kind with yourself. Focus on you and your needs. Comparing yourself to others...your ex-husband or anyone else...will not bring you peace. Each of us is on our own unique path in life. We all have strengths and challenges. What are your strengths Azzurrella? Make a list to remind yourself to focus on them.

Think about your body, mind, and spirit. What do they need in order to feel happier? Make a list.

I am sorry you don't have an understanding support network. That's really hard. I did not have a support network when I got divorced. It was lonely and painful but I focused on the advice of my lawyer and psychologist and I made it through. I built a better life for myself. It can be done.

You mentioned feeling less than or weaker than your ex. You are not. You are not stupid. Your value is intrinsic...it's been present since the day you were born. Nothing can change that. Your worth isn't any more or less than anyone else's.

Since you don't want to talk to a therapist, what about looking at the research? You could start doing searches: 'strategies for moving forward after divorce' or 'how to deal with loneliness after divorce' etc. There is a lot of helpful research out there. You could check Psychology Today or Psych Central websites.

I don't recommend waiting for others to befriend you and help or telling strangers your problems (I think you mentioned telling a new man your story). I don't think that will bring you peace. People are in their own minds with their own problems and needs. Empathy is a wonderful trait but not necessarily easy to find among strangers. If your friends and family aren't offering the support you'd like, take a step back and focus on you. As with anything in life, if what we already tried didn't work, then we need to try a new approach.

Hope this helps. You'll notice that I didn't say "poor you, your life will never be the same again" because thinking like that would only add to your pain. You are a strong woman. You made it this far. Where will you go from here? That is under your control. . Happiness begins with the Self. Other people cannot create happiness for us. Other people cannot delete your unhappy thoughts, right? We need to find happiness for ourselves first. Then we can share it with others. I wish you the very best as you move forward. Be well
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Old 01-25-2019, 03:08 PM #57
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@Hopefully
Thank you so much.
Iím the picture of the depressed: I do anything and Iím waiting the cosmo will do something for me. Nothing happens and Iím frustrated. I tried to be always good, and I didnít receive what I expected. A middle-aged duck quacking and quacking. What a bad picture!! 😂
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Old 01-25-2019, 03:15 PM #58
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No, I didnít talk so much of my situation with strangers, but I was really under stress. Iím also the woman who passed through that events, with rage and so on. I didnít want to pretend I was different. And I thought it was not me who have to hide for what was going on. I had respect, always.
So Iím a little tired because of my job, and I know that when Iím tired Iím more fragile.
I try to be always in peace, to love other people. I find something good in everyone I meet, and I know a lot of great women and men. Who work hardly and harder than me. I hope I will be like they are.
And that these days will pass...
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Old 01-25-2019, 03:23 PM #59
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Heart Re: How long?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Azzurrella View Post
@Hopefully
Thank you so much.
Iím the picture of the depressed: I do anything and Iím waiting the cosmo will do something for me. Nothing happens and Iím frustrated. I tried to be always good, and I didnít receive what I expected. A middle-aged duck quacking and quacking. What a bad picture!! 😂
I'm sorry you are depressed There are things that can help with that. Have you checked out the Depression forum here? I created several threads to comfort and cheer up people when they are depressed.

You didn't receive what you expected and you are grieving that. That's okay. And you are still alive! Who knows what the future will bring?!

Not a bad picture, in my opinion. You are the picture of an intelligent woman going through a major trauma and trying to figure out what to do. You opened up and posted on PC. That indicates strength, courage, and hope. Life is now. At this very moment. Do something, big or small, which makes you feel good. A long shower, a walk outside, buy some pretty flowers for your home, wrap yourself in a soft blanket, eat a favorite meal, drink a delicious beverage.

You say you are middle-aged...what is this is a beautiful turning point in your life? The unfaithful husband is gone. The unhappy marriage is over. What's next? You have many years ahead of you...plenty of time to find your joy and peace. I wish it for you. Remember to wish it for yourself every single day.

I just read this yesterday: tell yourself out loud "I am happy!" once every day even when you don't feel happy...see what happens after a week of doing it.

Your name is beautiful by the way, Azzurrella. I don't know if that's a profile name or actual name but beautiful either way
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Old 01-25-2019, 03:26 PM #60
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Later when i have some time, I will send you some links to some comforting threads I created. Some are even ideas I got from research on depression. I will send them with a warm invitation for you to join us on the threads and connect. You are not alone. Folks here on PC care about you.
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