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Old 12-23-2018, 02:20 PM   #1
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Frown Divorced and Having Difficulty Moving Forward

I'm divorced from my high school sweetheart whom I was married to for 4 years and together with for a total of 12 years (& most of my adult life). The first few years we got along well, enjoyed each other's company & doing activities together and were head over heels in love with each other. I mean, we had our differences, but were able to talk them out.

Somewhere along the way things changed and he became emotionally withdrawn and unhappy/bitter. I don't know if it was a result of my suicide attempts or stress from his new job or a combination of that and other things, but we stopped communicating and our relationship became volatile & unhealthy. Overwhelmed and desperate to get him to see things weren't going well, a few times I separated from him from a week to a few months & looking back, I now realize these seperations (as well as jumping to wanting a divorce after one of our first fights) drove the wedge deeper & hurt our relationship. We just didn't know how to handle conflicts and disagreements, and we had lost respect for each other. We tried marriage counseling but the changes were only temporary and I finally hit a breaking point with the emotional abuse and left & filed for divorce several years ago. After the divorce hearing we hugged each other and exchanged apologies, me: "I'm sorry it had to end this way" and he expressed he was sorry he didn't see what was wrong sooner and that I was so unhappy.

Intially I felt relief & having blocked him on social media, had minimal contact with him by phone/text (out of guilt for hurting him). After a couple of years had passed, I unblocked him from social media and we began to communicate with each other on a more regular basis (text and phone calls). About a year and a half after our divorce, he had done the DivorceCare Bible Study and has been in a better place emotionally. I've been working on assertiveness and communication. Last year we reconciled, each accepting our part in hurting the other & our the demise of our relationship & have since forgiven each other. When I asked him why he wanted nto maintain contact, he expressed that he'd like to go back to being friends like before we were married & for the last few years we've been communicating (better I might add) on a regular basis (he usually intiates contact) and see each other on occasion, & still lean on each other for emotional support.

Only lately, the tone of his interactions with me have changed and he's become more withdrawn and less interested in hanging out, and I saw on social media it appears he's starting to date again & it hurts 1) because he started dating while we were still being intimate as "friends with benefits" post divorce (which is no longer happening because there's too much emotionally tied in there) & 2) Because he's doing activities that we used to do together as couple as well as activities he wouldn't even tried before but we would of enjoyed (taking dance lessons). All the emotions I've pushed down are starting to surface: I feel jealous, hurt, rejected, & replaced & I'm finding myself becoming more anxious & neurotic (which I think is pushing him away). I don't want to loose his friendship but know he's moving on & I need to also, but my heart aches as I when I divorced him, I still loved him but put up an emotional wall, as I felt like it was my only choice. I know it probably couldn't work again, but I grieve the loss of the good times we had together & his companionship, physical embrace & emotional support, as well as the future we could of had together. I almost wish I hadn't divorced him if it means loosing him forever. I'm not ready to say goodbye but I'm not sure he is either, although it looks like he's moving thay way. It just feels like there's going to be a gaping hole in my heart where he was :-(
Major Depressive Disorder (2006), Anxiety Disorder (2013), Attention Deficit Disorder, primary inattentiveness (1993).

Current Meds/Supplements
Wellbutrin XL 300mg, 100mg of 5-HTP, B-Complex Vitamin, & 2000mg Omega-3 fish oil in AM, Melatonin 6mg at bedtime

I've literally tried just about everything from A(mbien) to Z(oloft, just ask me if you have questions about my experiences!
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Old 12-23-2018, 10:33 PM   #2
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Default Re: Divorced and Having Difficulty Moving Forward

Your self preservation matters. As aching as your heart is going to feel, watching his life moving forward unfold as you describe via social media cannot possibly feel or be a good thing. No matter how mature and adult one could possibly try to be, that's not good for the soul. Of course it raises your anxiety. Of course it hurts.

I'd ask-you don't need to reply --I'd ask myself if this from him wanting to maintain a friendship whilst sharing of these life experiences about keeping your best interests in mind? I wouldn't expect him to stop being himself on his social media. It's the telling you he doesn't want to lose your friendship while sharing details of his love life that are not with you and how you may feel in mind.

It's a selfish game in a way on his part.
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Old 01-02-2019, 04:15 AM   #3
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Default Re: Divorced and Having Difficulty Moving Forward

Save yourself some pain and cut the friendship. Its only going to continue to hurt.
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Old 01-18-2019, 01:12 AM   #4
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Default Re: Divorced and Having Difficulty Moving Forward

This is a very unhealthy relationship dynamic. There is so much ambiguity and no stability. You deserve better. I know you love your ex, but you can love yourself too (if not more).
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