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Butterfly1971
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Confused Jan 13, 2019 at 06:39 PM
  #1
Hi...I divorced my husband of 15 years...the hardest decision I ever made. He was my best friend and I still love and care about him. He would take me back. I miss him and our life but I left him for what I think were good reasons. I am in a new relationship and I love the man. There wasn’t a whole lot of time in between my divorce and meeting him. New guy has a really hard time talking about feelings. He did something early into our relationship that has me feeling insecure at times. He inappropriately messaged two women. I caught him. He says he stopped. I can’t stop thinking about what I read on his phone. I confronted him and he begged forgiveness. He didn’t see it as cheating. I do. He’s been single for ten years and dated a lot. He struggles I think with being of a relationship mind. I’m in my 40’s and he’s in his 50’s. What are your thoughts on my situation?
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 06:34 AM
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It's tough to trust someone once they've been caught being unfaithful. That's one problem. The question is, do you still want to be with him even though he's done this?
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 07:06 AM
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I'm so sorry, Butterfly1971 I have already replied to your previous thread. I think you need to evalute this relationship and see the pros and cons, and why you're attracted to this man. Personally, I think talking about feelings is fundamental in every relationship. So that may cause some problems in the future. Think deeply about what you're doing. I'd suggest to try to talk to your boyfriend about this if you can. Maybe that could help. Sending many hugs to you
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Default Jan 14, 2019 at 07:32 AM
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i too replied to your previous thread but what I had asked was, what were the reasons for the divorce?

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Default Jan 18, 2019 at 01:58 AM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly1971 View Post
He didn’t see it as cheating.
I think that is your yellow flag right there: He could not see how he disrespected you with his emotional infidelity.

But if he is someone who is open to change, you might want to consider couples counseling with him.

You may also want to consider individual therapy to allow yourself some time and space to heal.
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Default Jan 20, 2019 at 10:33 AM
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Originally Posted by golden_eve View Post
It's tough to trust someone once they've been caught being unfaithful. That's one problem. The question is, do you still want to be with him even though he's done this?
Thanks...He’s very sweet and we get along...I’m trying to attribute it to his transition into a relationship, which he has not been in steadily since his divorce 10 years ago...I just can’t stop thinking about the betrayal and he doesn’t seem to be able to talk through it with me.
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Default Jan 20, 2019 at 10:35 AM
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Originally Posted by MickeyCheeky View Post
I'm so sorry, Butterfly1971 I have already replied to your previous thread. I think you need to evalute this relationship and see the pros and cons, and why you're attracted to this man. Personally, I think talking about feelings is fundamental in every relationship. So that may cause some problems in the future. Think deeply about what you're doing. I'd suggest to try to talk to your boyfriend about this if you can. Maybe that could help. Sending many hugs to you
Thanks...no matter how I bring it up he gets annoyed...I’ve only brought it u once since it happened on October 1st of this past year...
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Default Jan 20, 2019 at 10:36 AM
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i too replied to your previous thread but what I had asked was, what were the reasons for the divorce?
I thought the grass was greener....and I couldn’t stop the draw of seeking something else...husband and I grew apart...years of resentment toward him for various things.
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Default Jan 20, 2019 at 10:38 AM
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Originally Posted by ennie View Post
I think that is your yellow flag right there: He could not see how he disrespected you with his emotional infidelity.

But if he is someone who is open to change, you might want to consider couples counseling with him.

You may also want to consider individual therapy to allow yourself some time and space to heal.
Thank you...I’m in counseling...I may Bring it up again to him and ask for reassurance
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Default Jan 20, 2019 at 10:24 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly1971 View Post
Hi...I divorced my husband of 15 years...the hardest decision I ever made. He was my best friend and I still love and care about him. He would take me back. I miss him and our life but I left him for what I think were good reasons. I am in a new relationship and I love the man. There wasn’t a whole lot of time in between my divorce and meeting him. New guy has a really hard time talking about feelings. He did something early into our relationship that has me feeling insecure at times. He inappropriately messaged two women. I caught him. He says he stopped. I can’t stop thinking about what I read on his phone. I confronted him and he begged forgiveness. He didn’t see it as cheating. I do. He’s been single for ten years and dated a lot. He struggles I think with being of a relationship mind. I’m in my 40’s and he’s in his 50’s. What are your thoughts on my situation?
How long have you been seeing the new guy? You said there wasn't much time after the divorce before you met him. Is that part of the problem? You aren't quite ready to trust again yet? Only you can decide that.

With regard to the inappropriate messages to other women...what were they? Were they sexual? Something else that bothered you? It is important when you say he didn't deem that cheating but you do. Each person defines cheating differently. Some women think use of pornography or attending a strip-club is cheating and some women do not think that's cheating. Just examples. The question is: are you in agreement now? Two choices: he agrees to stop messaging other women (if they're sexual that is...hopefully you aren't suggesting that he cannot have platonic female friends) or you agree to ignore said messages. To me, that's the issue...can you two develop an agreement on what is and isn't okay in your relationship? Something you are both willing and comfortable sticking to.

And, are you ready to trust anyone yet after your divorce? I waited years before having a serious relationship after my divorce. I'm actually quite concerned about a friend who is heavily committed to a new man and her divorce isn't even official yet. I realize that's not your situation...just highlighting the importance of time to grieve and heal after divorce. Without sufficient time to heal, we could meet someone wonderful and still be unable to trust and move forward. Is your current guy wonderful? I have no idea. I had a therapist who said when dating someone new, you need to slowly collect data and look for trends in the data. You collected some data about the messages to other women...now you need time to look for trends....are there other issues of concern etc.

As I said, without knowing what the messages to other women were, I cannot really comment. I am committed to my parent and I have platonic male friends. If he suggested I couldn't have male friends, he would no longer be my partner.
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 01:11 PM
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Typo: "parent" should read "partner"
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Default Jan 21, 2019 at 01:32 PM
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Originally Posted by Butterfly1971 View Post
Hi...I divorced my husband of 15 years...the hardest decision I ever made. He was my best friend and I still love and care about him. He would take me back. I miss him and our life but I left him for what I think were good reasons. I am in a new relationship and I love the man. There wasn’t a whole lot of time in between my divorce and meeting him. New guy has a really hard time talking about feelings. He did something early into our relationship that has me feeling insecure at times. He inappropriately messaged two women. I caught him. He says he stopped. I can’t stop thinking about what I read on his phone. I confronted him and he begged forgiveness. He didn’t see it as cheating. I do. He’s been single for ten years and dated a lot. He struggles I think with being of a relationship mind. I’m in my 40’s and he’s in his 50’s. What are your thoughts on my situation?
Hi Butterfly, I should have asked before if you have a specific question...are you wondering about reuniting with your ex-husband or are you wondering more about how to manage your current relationship?

Sounds like a confusing time for you. I'm sorry you're going through so much. Have you tried therapy? That could be really helpful. For example, I know you were not okay with whatever the phone messages were but are you okay with going through someone else's phone? Unless I missed a piece, you violated his boundaries there...same thing if it's a laptop or pockets or anything private.

It was suggested on another thread that it's okay to violate a boundary if you have concerns about infidelity. It's not. Two wrongs don't make a right. If someone questions their partner's fidelity, they need to be up front and have an honest conversation about it.

Trust is a leap of faith. No matter who we are or who we date. We decide if we are willing to make the leap or not. There's no 100% guarantee with anyone. We do our best to choose a partner with the same relationship goals and mutual respect for boundaries. Then we hope for the best. It sounds like there are trust issues on both sides here...helpful to look at the whole picture. If my significant other was secretly accessing my phone or computer, I would not be happy at all. He would not find anything problematic but that still doesn't mean it's okay to do that if there are concerns.

I mention these issues to help you think through your part and his. I am not moralizing. You said you love this man so I hope you folks are able to directly and calmly discuss your concerns to figure out if continuing the relationship works for each of you. Have you apologized for going through his phone? Has he agreed to your terms for what you deem cheating/unacceptable? Two main issues here are boundaries and trust. If I misunderstood something, I'm sorry in advance

Peace to you
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 06:55 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by HopefullyLost1211 View Post
How long have you been seeing the new guy? You said there wasn't much time after the divorce before you met him. Is that part of the problem? You aren't quite ready to trust again yet? Only you can decide that.

With regard to the inappropriate messages to other women...what were they? Were they sexual? Something else that bothered you? It is important when you say he didn't deem that cheating but you do. Each person defines cheating differently. Some women think use of pornography or attending a strip-club is cheating and some women do not think that's cheating. Just examples. The question is: are you in agreement now? Two choices: he agrees to stop messaging other women (if they're sexual that is...hopefully you aren't suggesting that he cannot have platonic female friends) or you agree to ignore said messages. To me, that's the issue...can you two develop an agreement on what is and isn't okay in your relationship? Something you are both willing and comfortable sticking to.

And, are you ready to trust anyone yet after your divorce? I waited years before having a serious relationship after my divorce. I'm actually quite concerned about a friend who is heavily committed to a new man and her divorce isn't even official yet. I realize that's not your situation...just highlighting the importance of time to grieve and heal after divorce. Without sufficient time to heal, we could meet someone wonderful and still be unable to trust and move forward. Is your current guy wonderful? I have no idea. I had a therapist who said when dating someone new, you need to slowly collect data and look for trends in the data. You collected some data about the messages to other women...now you need time to look for trends....are there other issues of concern etc.

As I said, without knowing what the messages to other women were, I cannot really comment. I am committed to my parent and I have platonic male friends. If he suggested I couldn't have male friends, he would no longer be my partner.
Thank you! They were sexual in nature...and one was with a woman he works with (she’s married)...you made me think...thank you...
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Default Jan 22, 2019 at 07:45 PM
  #14
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Originally Posted by Butterfly1971 View Post
Thank you! They were sexual in nature...and one was with a woman he works with (she’s married)...you made me think...thank you...
Thanks for sharing your truth Butterfly...not easy to do but I think it can be cathartic. I can't remember if you said you were open to therapy. I think it could help. I wish you well either way. You know yourself best...trust that inner spirit. Peace and support to you
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