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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 07:10 PM
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Any advice on an amicable divorce? We are working on dismantling our connected lives brick by brick. We are also at each others throats. I dont want us to hate each other at the end. We are simply on different life trajectories. Does anyone have suggestions for maintaining the peace while we fork our lives back into 2 seperate paths?
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Default Apr 09, 2019 at 08:23 PM
  #2
One has to move out while dividing property. Don’t say in the sane household. It makes it harder.

Do you have children? If yes then focus on the fact that you must remain civil for pretty much forever as even when kids are grown, you’ll have events and grandkids etc So stay civil for the sake of them. Refrain from being at each other throats

If no kids, then don’t live together and don’t hang out keep the distance and let lawyers deal with logistics. Then move on. If you have no kids, no need to see each other again so hating or not hating will be irrelevant. Hang in there.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 11:30 AM
  #3
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Originally Posted by ChaoticEnigma View Post
Any advice on an amicable divorce? We are working on dismantling our connected lives brick by brick. We are also at each others throats. I dont want us to hate each other at the end. We are simply on different life trajectories. Does anyone have suggestions for maintaining the peace while we fork our lives back into 2 seperate paths?

An amicable divorce comes from an amicable relationship. What I mean is that if there is distrust, disagreement and conflict in the relationship, as you say causing you to be at each other's throats, then this needs to be resolved first. Without that, it's going to be difficult to have a divorce that goes smoothly and is friendly.

I don't know what your conflicts are, so they really can't be addressed directly but my point only is in that the resulting nature of the divorce is completely dependent on your agreeability between you both.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 11:32 AM
  #4
also just a suggestion, you might want to have admins move this to the divorce and separation section as there you will have more responders that are directly experienced in this subject.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 11:50 AM
  #5
Hello Chaotic Enigma. Sorry you are going through a divorce. It can be really stressful but keep looking ahead to the future....brighter times ahead. Divorce is such a mind-altering phenomenon. The reality is that it can lead some spouses to do wildly inappropriate things. So the key is to keep focusing on yourself (and your children of course if you're a parent) and be as reasonable and calm as possible while a professional advocates for your rights. We cannot change other people; we can only change how we respond to them. A tug of war cannot continue if one side lets go of the rope.

I recommend hiring an attorney to advocate for your rights and wishes. Do you have children? Best to have some sort of professional mediator if you are arguing about a custody agreement. Don't say anything negative about your spouse to your children. Honor their relationship with him/her and keep your feelings about your spouse separate. Choose a friend or someone else you really trust and vent to them when you are feeling angry or frustrated with your spouse. Do you have a support network? That could be invaluable. Are you open to speaking with a therapist? On your own I mean. That really helped me to keep my peace and heal during/after my divorce.

I wish you peace, hope, and a bright future.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 12:18 PM
  #6
I'm so sorry you're gong through all of this, ChaoticEnigma! I completely agree with what all the other wise, wonderful posters have already wisely said better than I ever could, so I'll try not to repeat myself too much! You've been lots of great, wise, wonderful advice on this thread! I'd suggest to follow it as much as you can if you want to! Unfortunately it's always hard to go through a divorce. It's admirable that you want to avoid conflict, but remember that that doesn't depend only on you but that it takes some effort on her part as well! I'd suggest to just talk to her about this and see how it goes from there! Try to ask her if you're BOTH on the same page on this! I feel like that's really important if you want your divorce to go smoothly! Hopefully she'll listen to what you have to say and understand you! If she still doesn't listen to you, I'm afraid the only solution is to just avoid her and cut off contacts with her as much as possible. Let the lawyers do what needs to be done and just let them do their work! I hope she'll understand what you mean, though, and that you'll be able to at least go through this divorce peacefully! Divorce is certainly not easy at all, you don't need more heavy baggage on your shoulders! Please don't give up hope! Try to hang on as much as you can! You're a STRONG, WONDERFUL PERSON! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT! We all care about you here! We all love you here! Feel free to vent and write here as much as you need it and want to! You know we won't judge you! I promise you that! Remember that we're here for you if you need it! Feel free to PM me anytime! Let me know if I can do something to help you! Wish you good luck! Let us know how it goes! I'm so sorry you have to deal with all of this, ChaoticEnigma!
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 12:33 PM
  #7
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Originally Posted by s4ndm4n2006 View Post
An amicable divorce comes from an amicable relationship. What I mean is that if there is distrust, disagreement and conflict in the relationship, as you say causing you to be at each other's throats, then this needs to be resolved first. Without that, it's going to be difficult to have a divorce that goes smoothly and is friendly.

I don't know what your conflicts are, so they really can't be addressed directly but my point only is in that the resulting nature of the divorce is completely dependent on your agreeability between you both.
I hear what you are saying but I think that having a disagreement and distrust and conflict is probably what led to a decision to divorce so if they are going to work on resolving those issues, then they aren’t divorcing but trying to improve relationship, which they already decided isn’t going to improve. I don’t think you need to have good marriage to have amicable divorce, you just have to be commited to dissolve marriage with as little conflict as possible.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 01:28 PM
  #8
Yes I do have kids. However the "hot topics" have been settled. Custody and money. We dont want or need lawyers involved. It isnt like that.

More so it is the petty squabbling and jabs at each other. Not in front of the kids. They have no idea yet and it isnt their burden anyways. They are a big reason why amicable is so important to me. There is no option to just walk away and never see each other again.

We had a great friendship and marriage. We dont hate each other. I would simply like to keep it that way. We have changed and grown apart and it is an adjustment for both of us.

My spouse asked me how we keep from shredding each other in response to hurt, changes and stress. I got so far as avoid each other than stalled.

In regards to why I posted in this section it is because main forums get more traffic than sub forums. It was intentionally placed and my preference would be for it to stay here for now. This isnt the throw down, no holds bar seperation we normally hear of. I want to be friends at the end.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 02:10 PM
  #9
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Originally Posted by ChaoticEnigma View Post
Yes I do have kids. However the "hot topics" have been settled. Custody and money. We dont want or need lawyers involved. It isnt like that.

More so it is the petty squabbling and jabs at each other. Not in front of the kids. They have no idea yet and it isnt their burden anyways. They are a big reason why amicable is so important to me. There is no option to just walk away and never see each other again.

We had a great friendship and marriage. We dont hate each other. I would simply like to keep it that way. We have changed and grown apart and it is an adjustment for both of us.

My spouse asked me how we keep from shredding each other in response to hurt, changes and stress. I got so far as avoid each other than stalled.

In regards to why I posted in this section it is because main forums get more traffic than sub forums. It was intentionally placed and my preference would be for it to stay here for now. This isnt the throw down, no holds bar seperation we normally hear of. I want to be friends at the end.
Thank you for the update ChaoticEnigma. I'm a bit confused at this point. If you both want an amicable divorce and the major issues have been resolved without mediation then why are you taking "jabs" at each other, "shredding" each other, and "squabbling?" That does not sound amicable. Am I misunderstanding?

You say the children are unaware and it's not their burden. This will be a burden in their lives. Need not be forever but it will have a major impact on them. The sooner they know the better so you can open a dialogue and help them to process their feelings. Keeping them in the dark would magnify their decreased sense of control and increase their stress. It is not possible for parents to divorce in a vacuum without it affecting their children. The children need just as much support and dialogue, if not more, than the adults. It's unlikely that they don't already know that something is up. Children, including infants and toddlers, pick up on their parents' moods and tension. So even if they don't know what exactly is happening, they likely already feel the tension.

Sorry in advance if I misunderstood you. I wish you, your children, and former spouse peace and good health.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 03:39 PM
  #10
If things are as great as you described (great marriage and friendship), then being at each other’s throat doesn’t really make sense. I thought you asked how to make it amicable because it’s not but now you saying it’s all good. If things are peaceful and great, then there really are no issues. Just keep doing what you are doing
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 04:34 PM
  #11
Articulation is not my strength. We are fighting because we are done. I mean it does not negate the good years together, nor does it imply that the marriage way bad. Simply that we arent on the same path.

If everything was perfect we wouldnt be divorcing. Im wondering how we get through this immense change and stress without blowing up at each other all the time.

If that doesnt make sense, I shall stop talking as I find it frustrating when I cant get thoughts from my head to typed words.

I dont hate him, but in this moment I dont like him either. How do we survive the short term battle is all Im asking. The time that it will take us to sell the house and such.
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 04:41 PM
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I've heard of some therapists who help couples...not to resolve their marital differences but to peacefully dissolve the marriage. Do you suppose that would you help you?
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 04:45 PM
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I've heard of some therapists who help couples...not to resolve their marital differences but to peacefully dissolve the marriage. Do you suppose that would you help you?
Yes. Thank you!!!! Ive not heard of this. We need peaceful resolution. Even with the best of intentions to remain civil, it is not easy. We have property to sell, assests to divide, etc. Everyone gets a bit snappy under stress. I dont want it to turn into something that causes irreparable damage.

I cant believe I never thought of this. Thank you! And it is over
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 04:52 PM
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Yes. Thank you!!!! Ive not heard of this. We need peaceful resolution. Even with the best of intentions to remain civil, it is not easy. We have property to sell, assests to divide, etc. Everyone gets a bit snappy under stress. I dont want it to turn into something that causes irreparable damage.

I cant believe I never thought of this. Thank you! And it is over
Yes, I know those folks are out there. I hope there's a good one in your area! I think it could be really valuable. Best wishes!

And, I should say...if you can't find a therapist in your area who helps with peaceful marriage dissolution, many therapists now do phone or Skype work. Just another couple of options for you. Peace.

Last edited by Anonymous44076; Apr 10, 2019 at 05:29 PM..
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 05:11 PM
  #15
Is there any chance you can not stay in the same house for awhile? When we were divorcing, granted very many years ago and we both are married now to other people, we didn’t stay in the same place. It helps to avoid conflicts. We had a peaceful divorce and remained friends, I think it helped not to be there all the time. I think. Don’t really remember details

Also even if you say that kids don’t know, they alwars feel something is up. And I know you said you don’t want lawyers, and it is a valid point but sometimes letting others to deal with minutiae of dividing assets etc is helpful. Helps you to keep your distance
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 06:07 PM
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Im comfortable with our parenting and so my children dont need to be discussed further.

We do not want to hand over money to lawyers when we are capable. It is not who gets what. It is the work involved in physical division that is stressful. The house cleaning, painting, finding a good realtor. That type of thing.

Staying somewhere else would be a gigantic pain in the arse. As it stands we live rural, work in one city and our kids go to school in another. Part of our disagreements already revolve around contributions to our collective workload. Adding more work feels counter productive.

If Im coming across abrasive, I apologize. I have a direct personality to begin with and add in stress.... So I dont want anyone to feel it is personal. Im human.

I may as well share this. My mental health has been a huge wedge. Ive been medicated the last 2 years. Due to meds I have been exhausted. Ive had my lack of motivation, energy and focus thrown at me over and over. I made the decision to stop meds and finally I feel human again. However I have limited support in my decision and feel as though everyone is waiting for me to fall on my face. My spouse in particular feels I should be medicated and yet be exactly the same in all my positive attributes. It is a tall order I can not fill. Ive done extensive private CBD and DBT therapy. Ive tried many medications. It is never enough.

I am resentful of having to fight my mind and for my body while being penalized for every move I make....
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Default Apr 10, 2019 at 06:34 PM
  #17
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Im comfortable with our parenting and so my children dont need to be discussed further.

We do not want to hand over money to lawyers when we are capable. It is not who gets what. It is the work involved in physical division that is stressful. The house cleaning, painting, finding a good realtor. That type of thing.

Staying somewhere else would be a gigantic pain in the arse. As it stands we live rural, work in one city and our kids go to school in another. Part of our disagreements already revolve around contributions to our collective workload. Adding more work feels counter productive.

If Im coming across abrasive, I apologize. I have a direct personality to begin with and add in stress.... So I dont want anyone to feel it is personal. Im human.

I may as well share this. My mental health has been a huge wedge. Ive been medicated the last 2 years. Due to meds I have been exhausted. Ive had my lack of motivation, energy and focus thrown at me over and over. I made the decision to stop meds and finally I feel human again. However I have limited support in my decision and feel as though everyone is waiting for me to fall on my face. My spouse in particular feels I should be medicated and yet be exactly the same in all my positive attributes. It is a tall order I can not fill. Ive done extensive private CBD and DBT therapy. Ive tried many medications. It is never enough.

I am resentful of having to fight my mind and for my body while being penalized for every move I make....
Don’t need to apologize. It’s a rough time for you. Personally I am as direct and blunt as they come and it takes a lot to offend me. Is it possible that your husband’s mental health is causing issues in your marriage as well (I saw your previous posts), it can’t be easy for you either. It can’t be just your mental health and his expectations for you bring medicated. What is expected of him in regards to his MI?

It will get easier. Do you have family members to Hell you out? Come over? Help to paint? Diffuse the situation? Sometimes family makes it worse though.

Hang in there. Divorce isn’t for sissies. It takes a lot out of you but it’s usually better in a long run. As long as you both want to stay on
good terms, it’s doable
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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 01:20 PM
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Don’t need to apologize. It’s a rough time for you. Personally I am as direct and blunt as they come and it takes a lot to offend me. Is it possible that your husband’s mental health is causing issues in your marriage as well (I saw your previous posts), it can’t be easy for you either. It can’t be just your mental health and his expectations for you bring medicated. What is expected of him in regards to his MI?


It will get easier. Do you have family members to Hell you out? Come over? Help to paint? Diffuse the situation? Sometimes family makes it worse though.


Hang in there. Divorce isn’t for sissies. It takes a lot out of you but it’s usually better in a long run. As long as you both want to stay on

good terms, it’s doable
Seperate relationships. My life is also a soap opera. Marriage has been over for a while, but we have been too lazy to take action.
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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 07:59 PM
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Seperate relationships. My life is also a soap opera. Marriage has been over for a while, but we have been too lazy to take action.
What do you mean by separate relationships? Oh ok never mind. You are married to one guy but in relationship with another. The one with diagnosis of psychopathy or sociopathy isn’t the husband. All right
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Default Apr 11, 2019 at 08:04 PM
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What do you mean by separate relationships? Oh ok never mind. You are married to one guy but in relationship with another. The one with diagnosis of psychopathy or sociopathy isn’t the husband. All right
Ignore. I think I misunderstood.
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