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DesertDweller
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 04:22 AM
  #1
hello. new member here trying to figure put what to do. sorry if its too long and disjoined. not getting much sleep the past week and its catching up.

last monday my wife of 24 years says she needs her space and doesnt want to be accountable to me for awhile. says she is leaning towards leaving me but doesnt know and is very confused. she is going thru perimenopause as well. i have been very understanding of that and thought things were ok.

she wanted me to move out and i said she needed to be the one that moves out since its her needing space. for 3 days we stayed at home but stayed apart. i gave her space.

she texted friday and said she was leaving for the weekend and will be back monday. i know she is having an emotional affaird with a single man that she plays tennis with on a mixed doubles team. in retro spect they have been growing closer. she has told me he talks to her about his dating woes. evidently she has been talking to him about her marriage woes. she says he is telling her to work the marriage out and stay. i snooped on her mac laptop that is synced with her iphone and found his contact. special ring tone. birthday. and his gate code to his housing community.

i’ve drove by 2 days after this started and she was there. havenent seen it there since she left though.

i know she is emotionally connected to him, yet she claims he is just a freind trying to help her out. i know the tennis group a little and i’ve seen some emails from him about other people and the guys is a very suppostive, positive person. i dont think they are having a sexual affair yet but dont want to be naive either. she spends alot of time typing on her phone. doesnt let it out of her sight. is moodly like a high school girl at times.

i think my wife is just craving this emotional support right now. she still loves me. scared to leave but is confussed.

so how does a guy let his wife float in the wind and possible hook up? do you really do that?

seems like by doing that, she will drift farther away.

there are small glimmers of hope in the limited contact we’ve had mostly thru texing. one texted she typed “i am really sorry for all this i just need time to decompress and be in a better place to talk”

i have not bothered her but hope to see her monday. whats my play?

i’ve read alot about letting her be free. is that really the way this goes?

thanks.
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sarahsweets
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 05:16 AM
  #2
I dont know... to me emotional affairs are almost like physical ones but thats just me. Has there been any discord at all or did this blindside you?

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DesertDweller
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Default Apr 14, 2019 at 07:28 AM
  #3
hi and thanks for the reply.

in retrospect, yes theres been plenty of discord ifni underatand that term correctly. i look back over the past 2 years and i see things shes done that were out of character.

beimg really mean and condescending to me in front of friends, just one married couple specifically being overly cozy with the husband where she never was in the past.

we’ve beem to counseling 10 yrs ago to work on us and get over infidelity on my part but i was 100% on board with saving us and worked very hard.

one interesting conversation we had thursday night was inasked if she was emotionally attached to someone else.

she said i can’t answer that. she was ready to cry and turned her head away.

i said “can’t or won’t?”

she said “can’t, i dont know”

so that me to believe she is having a one way attachment to this guy. she craves the wat he treats her but he treats everyone that way and probably doesnt have feelings for her and thats her struggle? dunno, just grasping for answers to quiet my head.

i went to the teams captain because i though he and his wife might know about their affair and they didnt. they promised to keep it quiet. they are earlt 60’s highly educated and good people i trust. husband gave me his .02 on this guy and he sounds like NOT they kinda guy who would steal anothers wifes.

when my wife first dropped the bomb monday, she said there were 2 men on the team ahe had been talking to about her confusion and feelings. one is a super good guy. strong christian values amd close knit family. he knows the single guy i question too and she says thay are both telling her to work it out.

so christian man knows shes talking with single man and christian man would not stand for single man doing anything bad.

told her that i disnt think single man liled me much because of how he acted towards me at a party last summer. she says not everyonenis like me and fast that he’s not “that” guy.

sorry to ramble.
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Smile Apr 14, 2019 at 08:15 PM
  #4
Hello DesertDweller: I believe this is your first post here on PC. So... welcome to Psych Central. I don't believe there is much of anything in particular I can offer with regard to your situation. However here are links to 2 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Married Women and Affairs: Reality and Reasons | Healing Together for Couples

Why Do Married Women Have Affairs? | Healing Together for Couples

And then here's a link to a blog, here on PC, on the subject of surviving infidelity:

Surviving Infidelity | A blog about moving on from infidelity in your relationship

My best wishes to you & your wife. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 06:30 AM
  #5
I want to just share with you my experience :1. You mentioned past infidelity
on your part. Even with marriage counseling I am of the opinion that
they never forgive , or forget.
2. I was married over 30 yrs. when I got hit with the same story. She said our lives were moving in " different directions". Also the famous line of " I love you but I'm not "IN" love with you. "
3. Very secretive on her phone and computer.
4. Got involved in something that got her out of the house a lot.
5. Eventually she just stopped communicating with me verbally and physically.
6. She just wanted me to GO somewhere for awhile. So she can have some space. Really? She just wanted to stay married for financial reasons.
7. Although I couldn't prove it I'm pretty sure she was having an affair.
8. I was a blindsided fool. Missed all the red flags.
9. In the end I filed for divorce since we were living together in a 99% no contact situation which was very toxic.
And in the end I realized that sometimes things that get broken can't be fixed. I also realized how naive I'd been for so long.
Reality is a harsh and unforgiving teacher.
I really hope you can salvage your marriage.
One last thing , be careful for what you wish for !

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*Disclaimer * Anything I have posted is strictly my own personal opinion or experience , and is in no way, shape, or form
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Default Apr 29, 2019 at 07:08 AM
  #6
I am thinking that because of your past infidelity, you feel like you do not have the right to put your foot down? If it was my husband, he would forbid be from ever playing tennis with, texting, or talking to that guy again. She is your wife--you have a right to protect your marriage. That you are giving her so much space doesn't seem quite right to me either. Years and years ago when a threesome (perhaps my husband was just joking) with a beautiful friend of mine was brought up--it was out of the question for me. I don't ever want my husband to fall in love with someone else and when you spend to much intense time with someone else--it can happen! You are not respecting yourself and perhaps she lost faith in you a long time ago because of the affair. You need to push this issue and let the chips fall where they may. You don't want a marriage where you are not number one and there is not passion. Marriage counseling again? And no seeing or texting that guy on her part. That is not right!!!
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Default May 02, 2019 at 12:48 AM
  #7
Sorry for what you are going tbrough. It sounds very hurtful.

You were very wise not to move out. That would be a step in the direction of dissolving the marriage, which you don't want to do. I knew a guy who's wife wanted him to move out temporarily. He consulted a lawyer. The lawyer told him to absolutely not move out, which could be read as him abandoning the marriage.

Your wife is in an inappropriate friendship with this tennis partner. That's nice that he seems decent, but he's also encouraging something that's inappropriate. (He gives her the code to his gated complex. She stops by now and then. This is not normal. He's meeting some loneliness need of his own through being with her. Something's out of balance in his life too.)

I suppose you can hang back and let this play out. Trouble with that is that your wife is likely to just drift further and further away from you. I don't often suggest this, but I think the two of you might benefit from marriage counseling. Your wife may be reluctant to go. She'll figure no counselor is going to respect what she's doing.
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