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MrMoose
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Default May 23, 2019 at 10:40 PM
  #1
I don’t feel like cheering. It’s been too hard a road. I just feel some small measure of relief.

From late 2015 she had started to become vicious, then violent, toward me and younger daughter. Why? Don’t know— maybe menopause, ultrastressful new job, weight loss medication side effect, brain tumor, or something else—maybe me?

I would swear that I used to be a good man and a good husband. Somehow no matter how fast I ran or how hard I tried or how supportive I tried to be it was never ever enough and I was repeatedly told that “obviously” I didn’t care and that we should get divorced. She would fly into these uncontrollable rages, again and again, every couple of weeks.

We separated in summer of 2017. By then I was well used to sleeping on couches.

The divorce process was pretty much as described in Psych Central’s various notes and advice on divorcing a narcissist: for her it was about the fight, about the threats, about manipulating, about winning—and drama was more important then results. Drama like in all those courtroom dramas she loves to watch—she wanted everyone to not only see that she was “right” but to stand up before a packed courtroom and give an impassioned speech and have everyone cheer for her. I just wanted out (with some protection against her threats). She kept backing out of agreements. Just like I read, she wouldn’t want to do anything unless the judge ordered it—and even then she decided she had...leeway... in how to interpret the legal requirements. My lawyer insists she’s never seen anyone behave so badly in 30 years of practise. In one court session, she was being so rude and objectionable the court officer told her to sit down and shut up.

Anyway. Now, it’s done. I feel drained and wrung out. I just want to take care of younger daughter and have her do well in high school (older daughter went to live with her), and live peacefully. I like spending short amounts of time with old friends and close family. I work hard but I find I have little ambition now. I cant be bothered to figure out how to retire—I spent that money on legal stuff anyway. The idea of dating is repellent because the thought of being in a couple is awful.

So, for today, it’s All Quiet on the Western Front.

Sorry to go on so.
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Default May 23, 2019 at 11:16 PM
  #2
Mr. Moose,

thank you for so eloquently sharing your truth. I am so sorry that you have experienced abuse. it was not your fault and you did not deserve it.

I am many years out from my divorce now. I was only able to eventually sleep even 4 hours a night once the police were involved and the judge granted an order for protection (restraining order).

Unlike you, I did not have children with my ex. Though the financial strain, the horrifying idea of ever dating again, the weariness, the lostness....I understand all of it. Though I fully respect that you are you and I am me so my feelings could not possibly be the same as yours.

I found your truth very poignant and it resonated with me deeply. I want to write to honor your choices and offer my empathy. When my divorce finally came through, I raised a glass of wine with my divorce attorney in honor of my new freedom and autonomy. You see I had been in hell for so long...living on the end of someone else's rage just as you used to do. So as tired and fractured as I was, I raised that glass right after I signed the final papers and thanked myself for leaving and surviving.

I completely understand why you did not feel like cheering. And I sincerely hope that one day in the future, whether near or far, you will feel like raising a glass to honor yourself and your freedom.

I am glad that younger daughter is with you and I wish peace and hope to older daughter as she navigates life with your ex-wife.

You are such a strong and brave person for making it this far. Not all humans will understand that but plenty of us do. Bravo Mr. Moose. Bravo! Be good and kind to yourself now, will you? One moment at a time. The future is brighter than it could ever have been without this choice.
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Default May 24, 2019 at 07:24 PM
  #3
Wow. This sounds like what it would be if I tried to divorce my husband. He once told me he would fight it until we both had nothing left monetarily.

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Default May 25, 2019 at 06:41 PM
  #4
I feel that maybe men do not get enough sympathy from others during divorce, but you have my sympathy. If I recall correctly, you replied to one of my threads in the survivors of abuse section. Even as a female myself, I understand what is it like to deal with a female narcissist.
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Default May 25, 2019 at 08:57 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by Medusax View Post
Wow. This sounds like what it would be if I tried to divorce my husband. He once told me he would fight it until we both had nothing left monetarily.
Wow. That sounds familiar. The threats, the threats—a constant stream of them. There’s that one—in many variations—and it once ended with “and you’re gonna end up living in the streets in a box!!”

Charming, from someone who is supposed to be a supportive partner, right?

But most of those threats were hollow in the end.

I hope you keep coming back here to read and post and think and plan your escape Medusax!
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