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PurpleRutabega
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 08:34 PM
  #1
It's been 2 months since I laid eyes on him. I've no desire to see him again. (Neither do the kids.)

Life's easier, really, without him around. The kids & I aren't constantly trying to manage his emotions... we don't have to worry about the stuipd STUFF that would set him off.... The kids & I have found our balance, and it's like it's always been just us.

I start work next week... (Wish me luck -- it looks like a good job.)

So suddenly, today, I find myself grieving him like he were dead.

We were together for 15 years, married 14....A lot of it was good. Most of it, maybe. But.

Last time I saw my shrink, she asked if I had any desire to see him again. I was very quick/firm in my "no". And then I said the best thing he could do for us would be to die.

If he died, we could move on with our lives.... the kids & I could remember the good & forget the bad. It would simplify so much....

That's not at all the same as me wishing him dead, mind you. It's just admitting that yeah, it would be a lot SIMPLER than the coming months & years are going to be. (Not to mention, things would be simpler financially, as well.)

So today, better part of a week later, suddenly, I'm both overwhelmed with everything that's coming up, and.... grieving.

For all those moments... you know?

I still don't want to see him again.... ever. (I know, I'll have to... )

But that doesn't mean I wasn't in love with him, once. That he couldn't be amazing when he wanted to be. That there weren't times when we just FIT....

*sigh*

And, of course, I don't get to show any of this in fron to f the kids. Because I'm Mom, and I have to keep it together... Because me being able to handle whatever gets thrown at us is what gets THEM through. My firstborn is having anxiety attacks already... I need to be her rock.

And now, in the midst of her having anxiety attacks, I am going to start work. To be away, for huge chunks of the day. *sigh* (I start Monday. Did I say already?)

Whole thing is a mess, and my emotions are so mixed up right now..... Just needed somepalce safe and anonymous to come let some of it out.
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Mopey
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Default Jun 06, 2019 at 10:50 PM
  #2
(((((( Rutabaga )))))) So sorry. So difficult...
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sarahsweets
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Default Jun 07, 2019 at 03:21 AM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleRutabega View Post
If he died, we could move on with our lives.... the kids & I could remember the good & forget the bad. It would simplify so much....

That's not at all the same as me wishing him dead, mind you. It's just admitting that yeah, it would be a lot SIMPLER than the coming months & years are going to be. (Not to mention, things would be simpler financially, as well.)
I get this. And I do not think you are bad for thinking this. I felt the same about my father. He did die when I was 24 and it was horrible because he was 47 but now looking back I cant imagine having to deal with him in my life the way it is now. So I just wanted to validate that its ok to feel that way and I get it.

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PurpleRutabega
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 12:13 PM
  #4
Just identified the source:

All these Father's Day ads.

Seriously, how do you get through this time of year?
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 09:32 PM
  #5
Quote:
Originally Posted by PurpleRutabega View Post
Just identified the source:

All these Father's Day ads.

Seriously, how do you get through this time of year?
I'm really sorry you are going through this. I think it's normal to feel how you feel given all the stress you have to deal with. I appreciate you being honest and in touch with your feelings.
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Default Jun 08, 2019 at 09:38 PM
  #6
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Originally Posted by sarahsweets View Post

I get this. And I do not think you are bad for thinking this. I felt the same about my father. He did die when I was 24 and it was horrible because he was 47 but now looking back I cant imagine having to deal with him in my life the way it is now. So I just wanted to validate that its ok to feel that way and I get it.
Thank you for sharing Sarah.
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Dyromii
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Default Feb 24, 2020 at 05:40 PM
  #7
Oh my goodness this all sounds so familiar, it took me a long time to learn to talk about him without bitterness. I fact for the kids sake I just never mentioned him at all. But then I realised how awful it was for my son. He wanted to be able to talk about him, good and bad but was afraid of hurting me. My daughter is her father's daughter through and to ignore it I think resulted in her hiding herself away.
He was an amazing man with the kids when they were babies, and an amazing partner for 8 years we lived in a bubble a rose tinted bubble just us and our. Kids then the last 2 years were horrific and a sht show and he was unbearable.

It's been 8 nearly 9 years and now I try and mention their dad in positive ways, especially if they display his positive traits . And reassure them it's fine to say nice things about him... Or horrible things. Their feelings are as valid as mine. Probably the hardest thing I have had to teach myself.

Oh my grieving started spontaneously about a year after he left. Never did work out what triggered it.

I recognise so very many of the things you describe. How relieving it is not to be working everything around him.
How you and the kids just slot in together like a well oiled machine.
You are doing amazingly and don't let anyone say otherwise. It does get easier, It really does.

I spent 6 years on my own with the kids afterwards, best thing I ever did for me and for them.
9f course everyone is different and that may not be your path, but it sounds like you have this, so good on you.
Al the best.
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reasontobe
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Default Mar 16, 2020 at 08:48 PM
  #8
5 months ago, my husband forced me to sign the divorce paper and I found out that he had been having an affair for 2.5 years. he promised to stop and said he regretted divorcing me but decided to go on a "business" to see this person behind my back on my birthday again. He came back and left again the next day, Xmas Eve, to go celebrate Xmas with her. Two days later, I discovered that they were to be married in a month. by googling both of them names together. He came back and told me that he was over with this person and wanted to call off the wedding. He proceeded by going to go through the wedding ceremony and honeymoon with her and then came back. He told me there was no legal paper done and he still wants to be with me. Just today he told me he is going to go travel and see her during this Coronavirus crisis. I feel like the biggest loser for still loving him and keep taking him back. I'm beyond devastation.
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iamhurting
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Default Mar 27, 2020 at 04:46 PM
  #9
Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your experience. It takes true courage to vulnerable.

My divorce from my wife has been going on since Nov 2017, very hostile situation from a 9 year marriage that became harsh. I understand how you can forget the bad things sometimes and remember the good, or idealize your ex. I also understand having anxiety attacks. I face anxiety and have a history of depression, which makes it hard to keep things in perspective.
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