advertisement
Reply
Thread Tools Display Modes
Pandalover235
Newly Joined
Pandalover235 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Missouri
Posts: 1
3 yr Member
Default Jun 21, 2019 at 12:09 PM
  #1
My husband is in this exact situation. We’ve been married 23 years with a 16 and 14 year old. He is in love with his 14 year younger affair partner. In January, we separated and I was under the impression it was so he could think clearly about what he wanted. Found out two weeks ago, he actually took his emotional affair to a “full blown committed sexual relationship “ with her when he moved out.

We started divorce proceedings in April. He told me two weeks ago he wasn’t sure this was the right decision because he knows I don’t want it and he was starting to question if he truly wants it. He says he’s torn between deciding if he wants to work on our marriage and choosing her. In this two weeks though, he has continued to talk to her and see her, and anytime we talk or are together I feel no hope, love, anything.

He has asked for an open marriage more than once and I have no interest in that.
I told him I think he should take a month with zero contact with either of us to really, truly make an unbiased, uninfluenced decision because there are 5 lives here that stand to be deeply impacted by whatever decision he makes. He acts like that’s an unreasonable request that he can’t consider. So my question here is, is that a fair reasonable request with so much on the line here or isn’t it? I truly don’t know anything anymore…HELP!
Pandalover235 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
Anonymous44076, Goforward, MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky

advertisement
sarahsweets
Threadtastic Postaholic
 
sarahsweets's Avatar
sarahsweets has no updates.
 
Member Since: Dec 2018
Location: New Jersey
Posts: 6,006 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
192 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 02:48 AM
  #2
I do not understand why you wish to give him so much leeway about this. He is selfish and I do not see how you could love someone and expect them to wait around for you to make a decision. Why are you ok with this? He had an affair, continues to have the affair and expects you to be patient while he decides which life to wreck? This is terrible for your kids and the fact that this is such a hard decision for him shows that he doesnt care about their welfare. He is only thinking of himself.

__________________
"I carried a watermelon?"

President of the no F's given society.
sarahsweets is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Hugs from:
MickeyCheeky
 
Thanks for this!
MickeyCheeky
MickeyCheeky
Legendary
 
MickeyCheeky's Avatar
MickeyCheeky My echo is the only voice coming back
 
Member Since: Jun 2016
Location: Italy
Posts: 11,817 (SuperPoster!)
5 yr Member
38.4k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 04:06 AM
  #3
I agree with sarahsweets, Pandalover235. It seems clear that he doesn't truly care about you and likely not even about the woman she's currently dating. I feel like he doesn't really deserve more opportunities since he has already broke your trust and it STILL seems like he wants to have it both ways! That would be no for me. Let him lead the life he wants and go on with your own. I know it's hard but I feel like that's the best thing to do for yourself and your children! Keep us updated updated if you want and let us know how it goes! Wish you the best of luck to BOTH you and your children! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, Pandalover235!
MickeyCheeky is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
KathrynMilton
Account Suspended
KathrynMilton has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: USA
Posts: 1
3 yr Member
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 05:22 AM
  #4
I do not understand why you wish to give him so much leeway about this. He is selfish and I do not see how you could love someone and expect them to wait around for you to make a decision.
KathrynMilton is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
WishfulThinker66
Magnate
 
WishfulThinker66's Avatar
WishfulThinker66 has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2018
Location: Canada
Posts: 2,285
5 yr Member
117 hugs
given
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 02:17 PM
  #5
Why would you allow him to choose. I'd be outta there!
WishfulThinker66 is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Anonymous43089
Guest
Anonymous43089 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 02:37 PM
  #6
I agree with everyone above. He's already made his decision by having the affair. He's damaged his own marriage and set a horrid example for his children, and it seems like he just doesn't want to face the consequences of his actions. I'd "peace out" of that relationship, if anything, to set a good example for your kids.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Quarter life
Elder...and a bit Older
Community Liaison
Quarter life has no updates.
 
Member Since: Nov 2013
Location: My Own Orbit
Posts: 6,912
10 yr Member
371 hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 03:35 PM
  #7
If it were me...I would make the decision for him. He is obviously keeping you as a back up in case things fall apart with this younger woman. Don't wait for him to decide to choose you...you should choose YOU.

The co-parenting stuff will work itself out in time...But you need to be the positive roll model for your children right now by having self respect.

Please please be kind and generous to yourself Pandalover, and welcome to P.C

__________________
The devil whispered in my ear, "You cannot withstand the storm." I whispered back, "I am ​the storm."
Quarter life is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Chyialee, Rose76
Nammu
Crone
 
Nammu's Avatar
Nammu has no updates.
 
Member Since: May 2010
Location: Some where between my inner mind and the solar system.
Posts: 70,835 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
53.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 03:58 PM
  #8
He is being manipulative. Get a good lawyer and move on with your life.

__________________
Nammu
…Beyond a wholesome discipline, be gentle with yourself. You are a child of the universe no less than the trees and the stars; you have a right to be here. …...
Desiderata Max Ehrmann



Nammu is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Chyialee, Rose76
Anonymous44076
Guest
Anonymous44076 has no updates. Edit
 
Posts: n/a
Default Jun 22, 2019 at 04:38 PM
  #9
PandaLover, I am very sorry that you are in this deeply painful and confusing situation. It's not your fault. You and your children deserve peace, respect, and unconditional love. I hope you don't mind if I quote you as I respond.

I'm putting together two points you made here:
He is in love with his 14 year younger affair partner....
and anytime we talk or are together I feel no hope, love, anything.

If you feel comfortable, take a moment and read this out loud to yourself. How does it sound? How does it feel to you? What might your future look like with a husband who loves another woman and does not bring you hope, love, or anything?

He has asked for an open marriage more than once and I have no interest in that.
This is a very important insight. Do you see how this is untenable? If you two don't perceive marriage in the same light (monogamous versus polyamorous) then I am wondering how you could continue the marriage? Neither one of you is able to give what the other wants or needs here.

I told him I think he should take a month with zero contact with either of us to really, truly make an unbiased, uninfluenced decision because there are 5 lives here that stand to be deeply impacted by whatever decision he makes.

I have a couple of thoughts on this. Unless I am misunderstanding you (feel free to correct me if I am) it seems as though you think this is his decision to make. But this is your life, married or not. You must choose whether to accept his infidelity or divorce him and start a new life. That is not his choice to make for you. I don't think the timing of the decision is the issue but that you seem to want him to choose for you. That might be worth reflecting on.

You also mentioned five lives that stand to be impacted by the decision he makes. I see it that three lives would be your priority here: yourself and your two children. And those three lives are already deeply impacted by the previous and current situation, right? You and your children are likely traumatized since his departure and infidelity, plan for divorce, and then wavering. You three folks are in limbo. And that's a very painful place to be. Uncertainty is so difficult. You cannot undo the past, what's happened has happened. Your power and peace will be in planning for the future. What future do you want for yourself and your children? I have a hunch that you know exactly what you want. Have you tried writing in down or saying it out loud? I want my future to be ____________________________________. I do not want my future to be _______________________________________.

He acts like that’s an unreasonable request that he can’t consider. So my question here is, is that a fair reasonable request with so much on the line here or isn’t it?
I would look at this from a different angle. Consider asking yourself why you are asking him this....why not instead ask yourself what you want and then slowly develop a plan to make that happen. Bring the focus and power back to you and your needs and wishes.

I truly don’t know anything anymore…HELP!
Trust me PandaLover, you know plenty! You are likely doubting yourself and struggling because you have been dealing with a great deal of stress and pain and trauma. Trauma does not make decisions or planning easy but things can be figured out slowly in time. I think the first step is to take yourself out of limbo. What do you need in order to make a decision for yourself? What would help you to do that for yourself?

You have very clearly stated what you want: a monogamous husband. He has clearly indicated, with words and actions, that he is not able or willing to be a monogamous husband. So, now you need support yes? To break away from limbo and figure out the future. Would you be willing to talk with a therapist? Not with your husband but on your own. Your children would likely also benefit from some trauma therapy and coping strategies to manage their stress and confusion.

You are struggling with a very human dilemma: choosing between attachment and authenticity. By authenticity, I mean living as you truly want to live...honoring your own value system. I think if you choose to accept an unfaithful husband, you will be unable to live authentically....it is a violation of your personal value system of monogamy, yes? Living without authenticity can have devastating consequences for physical and emotional health. That said, this situation is not easy or simple by any means. I understand. He is your husband. You conceived and raised his babies. Of course you feel confused and hurt and scared. You are human and you're dealing with major trauma.

I recommend finding some support. Someone kind and knowledgeable to help you work through these feelings. Instead of encouraging him to decide for you in a month, why not step back from him entirely for a while and focus on yourself and the children.

My situation was not the same as yours but I did opt to divorce a husband who could not give me the life I wanted. It was extremely painful and took time to heal but I have honestly never looked back or second-guessed my decision. I chose authenticity over attachment to someone unhealthy.

I hope this helps a little bit. I wish you and your children peace, hope, and a bright future! You deserve nothing less than that. Be good and kind to yourself. Rome wasn't built in a day. Take some time to think this over from your perspective.
  Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
Open Eyes
Legendary Wise Elder
 
Open Eyes's Avatar
Open Eyes Not a Unicorn, just another horse
 
Member Since: Mar 2011
Location: Northeast USA
Posts: 23,086 (SuperPoster!)
10 yr Member
21.3k hugs
given
PC PoohBah!
Default Jun 24, 2019 at 06:52 PM
  #10
He already made his decision by getting involved with this other woman. He already showed you how little respect he had for you and only thought about himself. Do you not think you are worthy of respect? Do you see yourself as unworthy and undeserving of being valued that YOUR feelings should not matter? He is NOT thinking about you OR your feelings, he is ONLY thinking about himself here. That is actually what he is ALWAYS thinking about in the picture himself and HIS OWN NEEDS.

Even your thread title says it all. Why do you think he should have all the power and control? When are YOU going to have a say in this relationship?

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jun 24, 2019 at 07:09 PM..
Open Eyes is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
 
Thanks for this!
Chyialee
SuzanneZebra
Junior Member
SuzanneZebra has no updates.
 
Member Since: Jun 2019
Location: Cuyahoga Falls, OH
Posts: 14
3 yr Member
Default Jul 07, 2019 at 08:17 AM
  #11
This is a very tough situation for you. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. I think what you suggested about the zero contact is the absolute best way to go. His ambivalence is torture, I know. He isn't wanting to do the no contact because he doesn't want to lose either of you. He wants to have his cake and eat it too. That's why he asked for an open marriage. But life just doesn't work that way. He is being very selfish and immature. I can't imagine the heart break you must be facing right now. I want you to know it isn't you at all. Please know that. It is him. He has some issues he needs to work on. And unless he does, then this will not stop no matter who he is with. Whether it be you or her, he will continue to have affairs. Because it is him who needs to be fixed. It isn't that you aren't any good and that she is so great. Sadly, it really does have nothing to do with you or her. It has everything to do with him. He is broken inside and only he can fix it. But first, he needs to face that he has an issue. After that, he needs to be willing to do the work. It is a difficult task and not many people are open to accepting they need to change. Unless he does, this will never end. What you asked for isn't unreasonable. So please don't back down from that request. The least he could do is respect you enough to do that. I'm not sure he will though. If he doesn't, I would suggest making the decision for him. Walk out of his life and let him sleep in the bed he made. He will eventually see that he made the wrong choice and may (will probably) try to come back. I guarantee if you allow him back in your life, though, he will not only lose respect for you, but will also continue to do this. Like I said before, he needs to fix himself. Please stay strong through this. Keep your boundaries. You can and will get through this. You are made to be resilient. Much love to you!
SuzanneZebra is offline   Reply With QuoteReply With Quote
All times are GMT -5. The time now is 01:46 AM.
Powered by vBulletin® — Copyright © 2000 - 2024, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.



 

My Support Forums

My Support Forums is the online community that was originally begun as the Psych Central Forums in 2001. It now runs as an independent self-help support group community for mental health, personality, and psychological issues and is overseen by a group of dedicated, caring volunteers from around the world.

 

Helplines and Lifelines

The material on this site is for informational purposes only, and is not a substitute for medical advice, diagnosis or treatment provided by a qualified health care provider.

Always consult your doctor or mental health professional before trying anything you read here.