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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 10:33 AM
  #1
Hello,

Warning, this may be a bit long.

I am new here. My wife and I have been married for 7 years and have 1 child together. She also has a child from a previous marriage. This child I have known for his entire life. In essence, he is like a son to me, yet he is not biologically mine. My wife eventually has become 100% committed to getting a divorce.

Admittedly, our marriage was not the greatest, yet there were never cases of physical abuse, infidelity, or drug dependence. The main problem was my temper. I don't want to go too much into my background, but my temper eventually alienated my wife from me. I would never get into name calling, but I am told that I can get pretty frightening. I have never raised my hand to someone, while I was angry. So to recap, my wife alienated herself from me so that in essence, I felt like a room mate instead of her husband.

I need to give a little background, we moved in 2015, to be closer to my wife's mother. That way, she could watch our daughter. She agreed and was happy to watch our daughter and it gave me comfort to know that a family member would be taking care of our daughter. My wife and I can not afford day care, but the hammer came on July 15, 2019. My mother-in-law told us she no longer wanted to take care of our daughter. Our daughter can misbehave and can be quite disobedient. So, my wife and I agreed to begin our home for sale, since we cannot afford day care and living in our current home.

I did the unforgiveable, at least that is what my wife calls it, by texting mother-in-law. What I said to her is that I would have appreciated some more notice, at least 2 months minimum, so that we could move, and relocate. One month does not give us adequate time to locate a new home, move, and then enroll our daughter in a new school. There were a couple of oh my gods between us and eventually she called me an asshole and stated that she never wanted to see me again.

After this exchange, my wife became committed to getting a divorce. We are in the process of preparing our home for sale and then divorcing after the sale goes through. We live in a nice area and I am certain that the home will sell fast.

Despite a pretty unhappy marriage, I resent that my wife wants a divorce. I admit that I may not have been the greatest husband, but now I fear giving my daughter a separated life. She is only 6 and every time I look at her, my eyes tear up and I start crying. I realize that I won't get to see her as much and that my whole life has completely fallen apart. I am devastated. Like I said, my wife is 100% determined in getting a divorce.

How do I cope?

--sarcgeo
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 11:51 AM
  #2
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Originally Posted by sarcgeo View Post
The main problem was my temper. I don't want to go too much into my background, but my temper eventually alienated my wife from me so that in essence, I felt like a room mate instead of her husband.

I did the unforgiveable, at least that is what my wife calls it, by texting mother-in-law. What I said to her is that I would have appreciated some more notice, at least 2 months minimum, so that we could move, and relocate. She called me an asshole and stated that she never wanted to see me again. After this exchange, my wife became committed to getting a divorce.
Rough deal, mate. As for coping, I would strongly suggest therapy, not only to cope with the dissolution of your marriage, but also to address the underlying problems which led to it. Even if your wife is determined to divorce, I still think it would benefit you to learn better ways to express your anger so that you don't repeat these mistakes. Also, it would look good to the courts.

A couple of things, though. How long had your wife felt alienated because of your temper? Because her reaction to you merely texting your MIL seemed a little extreme. It seems like something had been building for a long time up until that point.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 12:09 PM
  #3
I agree with theoretical about seeing a therapist. @sarcgeo. Hopefully that will help. I am SO SORRY that you're going through ALL of this, truly, but if the marriage isn't working then perhaps that's the best choice for ALL the parties, including your daughter I know it may not seem that way and that it's likely REALLY painful for you right now. I'm sure you'll be able to get through ALL of this. Give it some time. Allow yourself to grieve. Hopefully you'll still be able to see your daughter. Wish you the best of luck in your life. I truly mean it Feel free to PM me anytime if you need advice and assistance Sending many safe, warm hugs to you and ALL of your family!
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 12:21 PM
  #4
Sorry I am still new here. In response to theoretical, yes, there was a lot of alienation built up. We haven't been intimate for over 2.5 years. We stopped kissing. We essentially became friends. My wife said that my anger made her fear me and that since it repeated itself, she couldn't forgive me any longer. We considered couples counseling, but that never manifested itself and now, with her mother hating me, it is impossible to reconcile, according to her.

I do have a kind heart, but it has been stepped on many times, and my anger is from my childhood. I have never found a way to "undo" my anger. I guess this divorce will be my lesson to learn.

Thanks for the responses. I appreciate it.
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Smile Jul 18, 2019 at 02:39 PM
  #5
Welcome to Psych Central, sarcgeo. One additional forum, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the healthy parenting forum. Here's a link:

https://psychcentralforums.com/healthy-parenting/

From what you wrote, it sounds as though the decision to divorce is pretty-much made & the only remaining question is how you cope with the impact of the divorce on your daughter as well as yourself. Here are links to a dozen articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subjects of divorce, the impact of divorce on children, & healing following divorce:

When One Spouse Wants Out of the Marriage But the Other Doesn't

The 40 Do's and Don'ts During a Divorce | The Exhausted Woman

Kids and Divorce: Ten Tough Issues

Talking to Your Children About Divorce

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhaust...-need-to-hear/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-par...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-step...after-divorce/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/exhaust...ter-a-divorce/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/how-to...after-divorce/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/imper...tional-wounds/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/five-t...lp-you-thrive/

https://pro.psychcentral.com/recover...rom-divorce-2/

My best wishes to you & your family.

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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 11:08 PM
  #6
Hi Sarcgeo! I'm so sorry to hear that you're going through this. Maybe your wife has made up her mind, but you can still get help for your own happiness and health. Have you looked into anger management? Either way, I hope the best for you and your daughter.
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Default Jul 18, 2019 at 11:56 PM
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Originally Posted by sarcgeo View Post
Hello,

Warning, this may be a bit long.

Admittedly, our marriage was not the greatest, yet there were never cases of physical abuse, infidelity, or drug dependence. The main problem was my temper. I don't want to go too much into my background, but my temper eventually alienated my wife from me. I would never get into name-calling, but I am told that I can get pretty frightening. I have never raised my hand to someone, while I was angry. So to recap, my wife, alienated herself from me so that in essence, I felt like a roommate instead of her husband.

Despite a pretty unhappy marriage, I resent that my wife wants a divorce. I admit that I may not have been the greatest husband, but now I fear giving my daughter a separated life. She is only 6 and every time I look at her, my eyes tear up and I start crying. I realize that I won't get to see her as much and that my whole life has completely fallen apart. I am devastated. Like I said, my wife is 100% determined in getting a divorce.

How do I cope?

--sarcgeo
HI sarcgeo... I am so sorry you're going through all this... You bring bittersweet memories of my first marriage, the anger, the disagreements, frustration, sadness, tears...
We did not have any kids ... the pain was excruciating when she got served divorce papers. She wanted to separate, I decided to divorce her for she was taking us to the ground financially... She was so angry at me...

I'm a recovered alcoholic now, my journey into recovery started just about the time we got a divorce. I can tell you the 12 steps of recovery have helped me have a life second to none, I am happily married to a wonderful woman...

I had to join a divorce recovery group as well...People that supported me and gave me hope...

I do not know if you have a spiritual background or not. My beliefs in a Higher Power made the pain more tolerable...
I hope you continue to reach out here at PC... Continue to share and allow yourself to feel your feelings... This Too Shall Pass...

Have faith that something good is going to come out of all this...

peace,

ed
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Default Jul 19, 2019 at 08:19 AM
  #8
I want to say thank you to all who have responded. I feel like a pitiful fool. I practically did everything I could to get my wife to reconcile and go to couple's counseling. No deal and like I said before, she is 100% determined to get the divorce. I am having difficulty sleeping, due to the knots in my stomach, I feel like throwing up, and just ridiculously sad. I don't understand how I can be so sad, because I do take 20 Mg of Lexapro along with Wellbutrin to help ease my depression. I have had the internal struggle of a lifetime and nothing in my life seems to be clear any longer. I want to emphasize that I am not thinking of ending my life, hence why I am on the antidepressants.

I find myself sobbing for 20-30 minute periods and perhaps even longer. I try and hide so that my daughter doesn't see me sobbing, but she caught me last night and then she told mommy and nothing happened. She was asking mommy to help and mommy didn't budge. My daughter came to me and said don't cry daddy. I just told her that daddy is sad and that I am sorry.

I even went so pathetically low to text MIL to see if we forgiveness is possible and actually surprisingly, got a text back. She stated she wants nothing to do with my relationship.

So, I sit and float in this wretched, tempestuous ocean not knowing where the waves are going to take me. I am trying to find a therapist and hopefully can find one soon. These emotions are so intense and yet I wonder how my wife can sit on the couch and act like there is not a care in the world. She is ice cold and her reluctance to reconcile is killing me. I really, really don't want to do this to my daughter. I have myself praying often and asking for help. Needless to say, I am desperate. What a pitiful soul I must appear to my wife, or I guess I should start saying soon to be ex wife.
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Default Aug 01, 2019 at 10:23 AM
  #9
Hang in there sarcgeo... Keep reaching out, it gets easier. join a divorce support group. It helped me a lot. I remember sobbing myself to sleep many times... Sooner or later, the pain leaves, and then we finally accept what is, the way it is...
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Default Aug 01, 2019 at 12:16 PM
  #10
You're not pitiful and you're trying, but if there's no cooperation form the other side, it's hard, @sarcgeo. Please don't be so hard on yourself. You're a WONDERFUL Father as you're trying your best and that's ALL we Human Beings can REALLY do, right? Hopefully your therapist will be of some help. Do not blame yourself for what is happening. Divorce is hard for EVERYONE and I'm sure your little Daughter still Loves you very much and she will understand. I am SO SORRY that you're going through ALL of this. Sending many safe, warm hugs and many happy, positive vibes to BOTH you and your Daughter, sarcgeo!
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Default Aug 02, 2019 at 11:51 AM
  #11
Thank you added and MickeyCheeky, I really appreciate the responses. I am trying to locate a divorce support group, but have not found one. Had one talk with a therapist, but I don't think we are a good fit.

--sarc
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