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Ne1Man
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Default Aug 03, 2019 at 02:48 AM
  #1
Moved out today and am on my own for the first time in 15 years. Things are amicable though I am very scared and feeling lonely already. So much of my family is gone too. My friends are my family. How can I overcome this loneliness and this need for someone to be around?
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nicoleflynn
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Default Aug 03, 2019 at 04:21 AM
  #2
I am sorry you are experiencing this. I got a divorce after 31 years of abuse; what kept me there so long, was the fear of being alone. I have now been alone for 18 years! I still don't like it, but found things to stay busy; do you have any hobbies? You can join groups and meet people; just little steps a little at a time. If you have a divorce support group, that could help also.
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Default Aug 03, 2019 at 10:19 AM
  #3
You're in a new phase of your life now. The worst thing you can do to yourself is cling to the past. The past is over now. It's time to grieve, and take the steps to reshape your new life as a divorced single father.

Step 1: Grieve and Seek Support.
Your marriage didn't work out. You'll feel a mix of emotions from remorse to what you did or didn't do, to emotions like anger and sadness b/c you got married hoping it would be forever.

Loss of any kind, creates a HUGE void emotionally. The worst thing you can do, is to try to fill up that void quickly, out of fear and desperation. Don't do it. Just don't.

Grief looks different for everyone. I don't know what that will look like for you but you HAVE to allow yourself to grieve the failure of your marriage or you'll never get over it, and those repressed feelings will leak into every area of your life and impact it negatively over the long-term; you'll grow bitter and sad and withdrawn and that is not the route you need to walk down. So, find a therapist. Find a men's support group for divorced men. Your first goal is to find support for yourself.

Step 2: Rediscover yourself.
So, you're single again. How scary is that? You were married and now you're not. Your friends are your family. You moved to a new city and away from your support system. They may be in another state but they're not gone. They can still support you as you go through this awkward, stressful life transition. But you can't isolate.

You need to reach out to your friends and ask them for their support. You mention in another thread here that you have a friend in your new city. See if you can move in with him. If not, try to find a good roommate situation for yourself. Since you're now a single dad, you'll have to consider who you live with, since you'll probably split time with your child visiting you on the weekends.

As to rediscovering yourself, I mean, invest time and energy into reconnecting to your hobbies, your interests, your creative outlets, whatever that looks like to you. Fill that empty void with activities that fulfill you, not destroy you.

I know plenty of divorced people in my life who dealt with their divorces the wrong way; they rebounded with people so they wouldn't have to be alone again, and created a false sense of intimacy with whatever warm body they could convince (lie to) be with them, b/c they sure as hell weren't emotionally ready for a real relationship, so they wasted the other person's time.

I also watched some divorced friends become party animals and wreak havoc on their bodies by drinking a lot of alcohol, overeating, shopping until they were broke. Some went online and sought online relationships with women and men. Some got dark and depraved and created fake profiles to lure innocent people into believing the lies these divorced people told. They watched porn. They did drugs. You name it, they overindulged to their own demise financially, socially, or physically and mentally. Don't choose that path. Sound like a good solution?

Don't do it. Stay on the straight and narrow path. Yes, you're afraid. Yes, you're depressed, lonely, anxious. Totally natural to feel that way now that you're legally divorced from the woman you spent 15 years of your life with. But that doesn't mean your life is over. It means, your life has changed. So, you can either adapt and adjust to it over a period of time (however long that takes), or you can cave into your fears and anxieties and let those ruin your life.

Don't give your negative emotions power over you. Acknowledge your emotions, but don't let them control your every decision. Find your balance, your wise mind. That won't happen overnight. Obviously.

But you need to find the resources to help you find your balance again; could be through those men's support groups, Meetup groups, individual therapy, visiting your daughter, working again, living with a roommate, pursuing your hobbies and what makes you happy.

You have a long road ahead of you but it doesn't have to be dark and scary as long as you don't travel it alone. Because you don't have to travel that road alone. Find a divorce support group in your new city as soon as you can. Those people are going through what you are, and will have insight to offer, emotional support to provide, and a bond no one else can offer you who hasn't gone through a divorce. Start there. Small steps. One step at a time.
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Default Aug 05, 2019 at 08:31 AM
  #4
Ne1man,

I am right there with you. My wife told me about 3 weeks ago that she wanted a divorce. I totally understand your feelings of isolation and loneliness. Frankly, I am not sure how I have made it so far. My sister gave me a good motto to live by, hour by hour. What that means is that your emotions will change hour by hour. I was hit with a devastating depression that crippled me, even with antidepressants. Now, what I am trying to do is picture my life outside of my marriage. There was a single you before marriage, you must return to that single person status. But, I don't want to paint a rosy picture, because I still suffer tremendously.

Hang in there and know that you are not alone..

--sarc
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Default Aug 05, 2019 at 08:42 AM
  #5
I am deeply sorry, @Ne1Man! Divorces are NEVER easy and I am DEEPLY SORRY that you're feeling SO ALONE! Allow yourself to take time to grieve like StreetcarBlanche has already wisely said better than I ever could. Try to spend more times with your friends. I also completely agree with sarcgeo's wise words and nicoleflynn's wise advice. Just try to seek as much support as you possibly can. There is help out there. Support groups and other groups like that! Of course there's also this WONDERFUL Forum if it can help a little bit so please don't feel shy about asking for support here! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME as my inbox is ALWAYS open for you or anyone else! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, your Family, your Friends and ALL of your Dear Kind Loved Ones! PLEASE KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF! YOU'RE AWESOME, YOU'RE IMPORTANT, YOU MATTER AND YOU'RE WORTH IT! THAT'S A PROMISE! PLEASE REMEMBER THAT AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN! YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND YOU MATTER AND THAT'S ABSOLUTELY TRUE! KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING! PLEASE NEVER GIVE UP HOPE!
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Heart Aug 05, 2019 at 08:54 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ne1Man View Post
Moved out today and am on my own for the first time in 15 years. Things are amicable though I am very scared and feeling lonely already. So much of my family is gone too. My friends are my family. How can I overcome this loneliness and this need for someone to be around?
Ive overcome lonliness in my marriage by trying to connect to support in any way possible. Usually it is a friend. Now that you are single, and having trouble with friends, I suggest going out to social events that interest you to find like minded people. This doesnt mean the bar. There is an app for meeting people for meet ups all together.. I wish I could remember the name, but its great for making friends Ive heard. For example, if you like kayaking, theres a group for it and they meet up once a month or whatever and hang together. You will find you again. It is hard at first, I am preaching to the choir but I hope this helps .
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