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Old 08-13-2019, 06:44 PM   #1
Malcolmsadness
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Default Help finding a new friend

I recently ended our marriage mutually with my wife of 17 years. We both agreed it was best to just get away from each other.
She lied to me for two years and cheated on me , had cyber sex with people I asked her repeatedly to tell me the truth.
What hurt the most was being ignored.Trying to work the problem out only to be stared at like a fool who didn't know what he was saying or somebody who wasn't good enough for her time.
I knew it wasn't my fault and I accepted it wasn't my fault. I said it out loud to her she didn't deny it I said it wasn't my fault.
The reason from her was that she wasn't happy. Everyone knows after 17 years of marriage you don't just wake up and say you're not happy. But enough of that I'd like to move on I'm trying to meet new people and I was just wondering because we live in a small town and I'm here taking care of both of my parents my dad has Alzheimer's. My mom has severe neuropathy in your feet you can hardly walk. And I'd like to meet a girl my new friend does anyone have any suggestions for someone who is ready to have a serious relationship with somebody will want to be a part of my family? it's been so long I don't know where to start and I was wondering if anyone might be able to point me in the right direction
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Old 08-14-2019, 02:36 AM   #2
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Default Re: Help finding a new friend

Quote:
Originally Posted by Malcolmsadness View Post
She lied to me for two years and cheated on me , had cyber sex with people I asked her repeatedly to tell me the truth.
What hurt the most was being ignored.Trying to work the problem out only to be stared at like a fool who didn't know what he was saying or somebody who wasn't good enough for her time.
I knew it wasn't my fault and I accepted it wasn't my fault. I said it out loud to her she didn't deny it I said it wasn't my fault.
This is very powerful and if you are into mantras, write this down and say it to yourself in the morning until you are 100% convinced its your truth.
Quote:
The reason from her was that she wasn't happy. Everyone knows after 17 years of marriage you don't just wake up and say you're not happy.
agreed. I have been married 23 years and we wake up happy or at least pleasant.

Quote:
But enough of that I'd like to move on I'm trying to meet new people and I was just wondering because we live in a small town and I'm here taking care of both of my parents my dad has Alzheimer's. My mom has severe neuropathy in your feet you can hardly walk. And I'd like to meet a girl my new friend does anyone have any suggestions for someone who is ready to have a serious relationship with somebody will want to be a part of my family? it's been so long I don't know where to start and I was wondering if anyone might be able to point me in the right direction
many people talk about online dating and I know nothing about that but some people talk about meetup. I believe that connects you to people in your area that have similar hobbies and likes and you meetup with them? I hope someone else chimes in on this one.
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Old 08-14-2019, 06:14 AM   #3
Malcolmsadness
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Default Re: Help finding a new friend

Haven't tried that one. It sounds like a good idea to me. Thanks for your valuable input. It s hard trying to meet people when all I have been thinking about for the last 17 years is the family and how i need to be there for them
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Old 08-14-2019, 09:32 AM   #4
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Default Re: Help finding a new friend

Malcolmsadness, I am so touched by your story. About 2.5 years ago, my soon to be ex wife told me she was no longer in love with me. Whatever that means. We were married for 7 years and she told me 3 weeks ago that she wanted a divorce. We lived for 2.5 years as friends, with no intimacy. I truly understand your feelings of isolation and being ignored. My wife told me the same, she isn't happy, even though I tried giving her the world. Admittedly, I wasn't the greatest husband, but I do know that I helped her quite a bit.

As to meeting people, I am not familiar with small towns. I live in the bay area, so there are many opportunities to meet people. There is the site that Sarahsweets mentioned, meetup.com. I have been dying of the isolation, luckily I have found a therapist. The other really, really difficult thing for me is having to live in the same house with my soon to be ex as we prepare it for sale, knowing that it will all come to an end.

Regarding your sick mother, I am familiar with that as well. If you are intent on finding someone, she will need to be patient. It appears you have a lot on your plate. I am not trying to make a judgment call, just an observation.

--sarc

Last edited by sarcgeo; 08-14-2019 at 10:38 AM..
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Old Yesterday, 04:27 AM   #5
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Default Re: Help finding a new friend

I can relate as I am in a similar situation. I live in a small town and it's awkward trying to make a new start with the same old people. Since I am a girl, I could make some suggestions about meeting girls:

1. Don't appear too eager. The fact that you really want a girlfriend can inadvertently drive some of us away. Girls lilke to be admired sometimes, but it's really creepy when someone you just met says you're beautiful or shows too much attraction. Don't talk about their physical appearances unless they bring it up and then say something casual like "You look nice."

2. Take it slow. A lot of guys I've shunned acted as if we had a deep relationship after meeting me once without even dating. Because you want to have someone, you might imagine that a new acquaintance is your soulmate and that you know them really well. If that happens, you are really having a relationship with an imaginary version of them in your mind. Don't say you care about someone or intrude into their personal lives or give too much advice unless they ask you to. Being overly familar will put off most people who haven't known you long. And keep in mind that a girl who can be intimate soon after meeting you are also more likely to cheat on you with new people they meet.

3. Make sure you know who you are without relation to other people. If you are looking for someone to complete your sense of self, you may never be truly happy because you are not satisfied with yourself. This makes you easy to exploit as well. Two people who are whole individuals on their own have better chances for a healthy relationship. Learn to exist by yourself first and then seek a partner who is your equal in self-esteem and self control. Don't look for someone you can take care of or someone to take care of you. That may appear heroic and romantic, it often leads to exploitation, unfulfilled expectations, and traumatic breakups.

4. It is hard to meet people in a small town so being friendly and not scaring people off helps to preserve your pool of potential partners. Focus on just being a good friend because friends can sometimes become girlfirends. But if you offend someone by pursuing them too eagerly, they will probably never be your friend and the chance is lost forever.

Sorry. That came out a little bossy sounding. I have often felt bad for men that I have to avoid because they were too interested and touchy-feely. I keep thinking what a shame that they cannot accept friendship but made themselves unbearable by demanding something extraordinary and end up being alone. I just think it is important to learn to live with yourself and don't expect someone to complete you because an unwhole person can never really be happy or secure with anyone. I hope I didn't offend you by telling you stuff you already know. Good luck with your new life.
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Old Yesterday, 06:17 AM   #6
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Default Re: Help finding a new friend

Good advice from ALL the posters here! I also agree with sarahsweets about trying out online dating, @Malcolmsadness! Certainly it doesn't hurt to try! I'm so sorry things have been SO rough for you. Allow yourself to grieve the end of the relationship. Hopefully you'll find someone MUCH, MUCH better for you! Please don't give up your search. There ARE people out there and hopefully you'll find the right one! KEEP LOOKING! It seems like you're already dealing with lots of things with your parents and all. Remember to take some time for YOURSELF. That's REALLY important! It also helps to develop self-confidence. If you're still feeling bad after your divorce, perhaps you may want to consider therapy. it can be REALLY helpful for this kind of things! Nevertheless, we'll be here for you when you're looking for support. Feel free to PM me ANYTIME. I'm sure PLENTY of others will gladly help you as well. KEEP FIGHTING AND KEEP ROCKING AS MUCH AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN LIKE YOU'RE ALREADY WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY BY YOURSELF! Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @Malcolmsadness, your Parents, your Friends and ALL Of Your Loved Ones! Believe in yourself! You matter, much more than other people may want you to believe! Keep trying your best and keep trying to live Life at its fullest! YOU'RE THE BEST! You are in control of your Life! PLEASE ALWAYS REMEMBER THAT! YOU'RE THE BEST AND YOU'RE UNIQUE because NO ONE on this Earth has been like you! Make sure to remember that! IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT! YOU ARE IMPORTANT AND YOU MATTER!
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