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*Beth*
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 10:31 AM
  #21
Don't give up yet.

Be loving while having self-respect.

Roll with whatever comes along for a while.

Who is your wife having an affair with? Many times it takes another "someone" to teach us to have a genuine appreciation for what we had.

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Open Eyes
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 10:57 AM
  #22
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Originally Posted by 1Martyr View Post
She does have a nursing degree. She is an LPN the interest in nursing came from our son who has SMA. He is unable to walk or talk so he requires 24/7 care. Nursing wise it is my wife and one other full-time nurse who does 40 hrs.
No wonder she feels old for her age. That's a lot to be tied down to with no end in sight. The only way she could lighten the load or change anything was with you. The house is just geography, not an actual change. She is trying to figure out how to get a break and have something for herself. It must have been so hard on her to care for such a handicapped child and a baby too. No wonder she craves some kind of excitement. Even if it's just the excitement of not being in a relationship where she probably feels she has to give time to that too.

Does this handicapped child ever go someplace else so she can get a total break? Just having someone else share in the care giving isn't enough.
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 11:54 AM
  #23
Only one nurse needs to be present at a time so while the other nurse is there my wife gets a break. We would go on vacations and have nursing present 24/7 until we return so its all about the scheduling. His biological father has been out of the picture for a very long time. I've been there for him since he's been about 1 year old and he'll be 10 in February. I've been there stride for stride through the whole process but I know its not walking in her shoes.

I agree with everything that you've said since the beginning of the thread really... I just hope that this need for excitement and just a change doesn't lead to unrepairable damage to what we had. As much as I want to reconcile and fix things I know that I can't even do that until she acknowledges that there are internal issues at play and seeks out help for it. Otherwise this will only happen again in the future. We've only been married for 4 years and nothing really happened that justifies where we are... What happens when something really does happen? I death in the family, physical or mental sickness, hard times with work, etc. That is what gives me the greatest sense of abandonment in this case.
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 12:08 PM
  #24
Quote:
Originally Posted by BethRags View Post
Don't give up yet.

Be loving while having self-respect.

Roll with whatever comes along for a while.

Who is your wife having an affair with? Many times it takes another "someone" to teach us to have a genuine appreciation for what we had.

I'm trying... its difficult though when you are dealing with depression from it. Days seem like weeks and the physical health get worse so you kind of just want it to be either over or on track to work out. I don't know anything about an affair or if one is occurring.
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 12:58 PM
  #25
I think that what she is doing and doesn't even realize it is she is acting out her need for control. People choose to do this not even realizing that what they are doing may actually be hurting someone who doesn't deserve it. It won't matter what you do, she is not going to be receptive to it because she doesn't want to give up her choice to satisfy her need for control.

I believe you when you share that you tried to be there for her too. But, that isn't the same as her having "the control". Sometimes, a person will say "you should have done this, you should have done that" when what they are really saying is "I wish I had the control in my life where I could experience these things" and have more choices, instead of being controlled and having to grow up too fast with all these responsibilities and constant stress. She is not really looking at this where she can see that you did not always JUST know how to do some of these things she tends to resent not having "before".

Quote:
As much as I want to reconcile and fix things I know that I can't even do that until she acknowledges that there are internal issues at play and seeks out help for it. Otherwise this will only happen again in the future.
YES! And you are correct in that it could very well happen again unless she gets to the bottom of what she is experiencing and how her choice can end up causing damage that she may very well regret.

Quote:
What happens when something really does happen? I death in the family, physical or mental sickness, hard times with work, etc. That is what gives me the greatest sense of abandonment in this case.
She isn't even thinking about any of this as often this "need for control" issue is too strong and a person acts out with it where they are not seeing all the consequences.

I have been on the receiving end of this so I know how confusing it can be. Every time I got near and tried to do anything, this individual would literally blow up at me and get very toxic. The main theme in this in the other person is "needing to have some sense of control". This has been building up for a while in her too. It's very hard to know what to do when someone gets this way, often the best thing to do is back away from them and give them space. However, even that can be something they find fault with.

I am sorry you are having to deal with this, it can definitely be very frustrating and depressing. No one cares to experience not having control or even knowing what to do to fix whatever they are experiencing that seems to come out of no where. Often the only thing you can do is step back and let it run it's course. Try to find things YOU can do with your time, like working out, going for walks, maybe sitting with a therapist or finding different things to distract yourself that can be some kind of positive or productive. Time will definitely drag and feel heavy if you are doing nothing.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Sep 06, 2019 at 01:49 PM..
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Default Sep 11, 2019 at 03:41 PM
  #26
Leaving your home may not have been the wisest thing for you to do, unless you were court-ordered to do so. (Pardon me, if I've missed something.) Never walk away from your child or your property without first consulting an attorney. That was your home. You had a right to be there.

Your wife's situation with her special needs child is a difficult one that can lead to unhappiness. She may be mis-assigning blame for her unhappiness to you. IDK. I'm just tossing that out as a possibility.

It often comes up in this forum that one spouse tells the other to leave, and the rejected spouse meekly acquiesces and packs a bag. I don't think that ever, ever helps save a marriage. It can also make it look like you have abandoned the marriage. That can affect your leverage in negotiating a divorce settlement. That's why a lawyer should be consulted right at the get-go, especially if you are not wanting to dissolve the marriage.

I'm a bit suspicious of a spouse who engineers a separation, when what they really want is a divorce. You have to ask yourself why she didn't just file for divorce. I can see some rationale for a "separation" when there is behavior like adultery, substance abuse, compulsive gambling, etc. I can see some rationale for it when both parties sincerely hope to try and reconcile their differences. If it's a case of one party simply deciding to throw the other party out, I suspect someone is about to get the shaft. To some extent, throwing one's spouse out is a bullying tactic. It pre-weakens the rejected spouse before the real battle for assets begins.

It's not uncommon in marriage for one or other of the partners to hit a rough spot in their own psychic well-being and jump to the conclusion that they could better their life by getting rid of the other partner. Lots of mature married couples can tell you they've weathered an interval like that. There are times when you just have to ride a thing out. If, after being told to "get out ," you humbly say, "Okay, just let me grab my hat and a few other things, and I'll go." - you are assuming the weakest posture. That's the worst way to gain your wife's respect and the surest way to set the stage for divorce. There are times when a "mandate" from one's partner should be ignored. At least, that is sometimes the advice of legal counsel.

What's done is done. If you haven't done so, call a lawyer now.

I'll bet anything that you being out of that house is not influencing your wife to think, "Gee, I think maybe I'll let him try and win me back." That's a fantasy. You're just getting smaller and more dispensable in her view. Forget the "charm offensive." It will get you nothing.
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Default Sep 11, 2019 at 05:03 PM
  #27
Addendum: Don't tell your wife you're getting an attorney. Just get one. Don't express any interest in the two of you "sharing" a lawyer. (I doubt she would.)

You sound like a decent guy. I'm sorry you are in this very hurtful situation. It's got to be one of life's worst pains.

Life dealt your wife a very tough hand with the birth of your step-son. She was rather young when it happened, too. It doesn't get easier. I'll bet her life must feel pretty "boring" a lot of the time. On top of that, all marriages get boring. It would be understandable, if she got angry and depressed. Life is demanding that she mature fast. She's not sounding real mature to me. I think she is recklessly going down a road that isn't going to turn out real well for her. She feels cheated and may have decided that "nice guys finish last." So she's dumping her nice, boring husband, figuring she better go-for-the-gusto, while she's still quite young. This is short-sighted. How many guys are going to be up for partnering with a woman who has a special needs child?
( She was dang lucky to have found you.) It sounds like she wants to run wild for awhile with no thought of where that will land her.

Women who want out of a marriage sometimes play this game of being separated, but not actually pursuing divorce. That can be a way of milking you to the max. I don't know your wife. You must have seen some good in her. She probably has her virtues. But don't go along with being made into a complete sap. Get counsel. Trying to pacify her with romantic gestures is not working, and it likely won't. She'll just see you as more "boring." Make yourself a little mysterious. Keep up your relationship with the kids, but don't ask a lot of questions about what she's thinking and planning. You'll only get B.S. answers about how she's "working on herself." That's bunk. I think you may be excessively tolerant. Women don't want martyrs. They prefer warriors. Toughen up. When you are in her presence, mostly listen. Speak minimally. She'll be quizzing you to see where your head is at. Leave her wondering.

You are probably the more mature spouse. If you want to fight for this marriage (which might make you less boring,) see the lawyer. Then, unless legal counsel objects with good reason, get back in that house, even if you sleep on the couch. Your stance toward your wife could be, "Either put up, or shut up. If you want me out of here, do what you have to do." Then just go about daily life. Don't plead and cajole. She has already made up her mind whether or not she intends to divorce you. Let her put the cards on the table and stop playing with your head, which is what she's doing. Nevermind her taking responsibility for the marital rift. She never will. But, if you can get life back to some kind of normal cohabitation, even if it's sexless, there may be a shot at derailing the divorce. Stop dancing to the tune she plays. She does not know where she's going in life.
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Default Sep 21, 2019 at 01:35 AM
  #28
Sorry you are going through this. Sounds like my husband. He tells me constantly how we don't work but doesn't try to do work on our marriage. He's been married before. This is my first and only marriage...or so I thought (his parents have reached been married 3-4 times so that's his model). It really is hard to love and commit to someone only to have them reject you in the end. I think people can and do just flip without any advance warning. My husband sure did. Not saying things are perfect but I know I take marital vows seriously. For better or worse means something to me. It means little to others.
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