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Default Sep 03, 2019 at 12:19 PM
  #1
Hi,

To give some background, my 4th year wedding anniversary with my wife is actually tomorrow (together for 9.5 years). We've been separated now for 1.5 months and this is the toughest thing that I have dealt with in my life. We recently just closed on our newly constructed marital home and within 1 month she initiated our separation. We share 2 children, one 2 year old daughter and a son whom I've treated as my own blood for 9 of his 10 years but is my stepson.

My wife's reason for wanting the separation is that she simply has not been happy in our marriage for some time now. There has been no infidelity or anything like that but she has expressed that she is not happy because I'm boring. She wants to live a life with more thrills and felt like she is older than she is in the marriage.


I am honestly completely crushed. I can't sleep, barely eat, cant stay focused at work. All the advice that I've gotten is to not let her see how broken I am and focus on myself but that is really really difficult because I still don't really know why this has happened. I don't understand how the marriage can be taken so lightly on her end. The most hurtful part is that she is legitimately happier since I've left our home...

I continue to make gestures to show her that I still love her (flowers, words of affirmation, etc.) she is sincerely appreciative of them but at the same time does not reciprocate because she does not want to work on the marriage. Her focus is to "work on herself" which right now just seems like doing any and everything to give her temporary happiness in my opinion.

Anyway, I'm just really looking for ways to get out of this phase. One side of me is saying don't ever give up on your wife and the other is saying she has already moved on and you should never fight to keep someone that doesn't want to be with you.
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Default Sep 03, 2019 at 10:32 PM
  #2
I do not know what to tell you, that is so devastating and hard. Has she made it clear that its completely over?

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Default Sep 04, 2019 at 03:25 AM
  #3
She hasn't brought up divorce at all but has expressed on many occasions that she does not intend on working on our marriage anytime soon. Any nice gesture by me is received basically with a "if you would of done this before then we wouldn't be here but thanks anyway"

It's frustrating because I know that I'm not perfect at all but I'm faithful and definitely don't deserve how things are playing out..

I just need to try and find a way to detach without jumping into something else but it's impossible for me because I have to see her atleast every other day to get the kids.
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Default Sep 04, 2019 at 12:59 PM
  #4
How eerily similar to my situation. I am in about 1.5 months also into the divorce decision that my wife made. Here is how i have been coping. My soon to be ex has some negative personality traits. Also, since she made the decision to divorce, she has treated me like an absolute ghost. It has been hell on Earth for me, but I try to play with the children. She acts as if I don't even exist in her world, yet we still are in the process of selling our home. Our home will be listing today and it has been excruciating. Our home has meant so much to me, but I must let it go. So, I try to focus on what was bad about our marriage and the negatives. Also, I try to remind myself that I did what I could to get her to reconsider.

I hate to say this, but it appears like your wife is like mine and beyond reconciliation. I would not continue sending her flowers, nor giving any thoughts of reconciliation. Those thoughts still linger in my head, but I remind myself of her absolute determination to divorce me. I did what I could and begged her to reconsider, during the first two weeks. Yet nothing worked, as she is determined. I also have recurring dreams of us reconciling, but only to awaken and find that reality is very different.

Writing down my thoughts has helped a lot. Also, I have found a therapist that has helped me with the moving on process.

I won't lie, I still collapse and cry from time to time, but I must realize that it was her decision and that there is NOTHING I can do to change her mind. Most of all, I have been worried most about my daughter, who is only 6. I also have quite a bond with her son from another marriage. He is 9 and has mentioned that he wants to maintain a relationship with me, but that is out of my hands right now.

Know that you are not alone...

--sarc
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Default Sep 04, 2019 at 03:25 PM
  #5
I misread what you wrote. Sorry, you are only separated.

But, I would caution you. About 2.5 years ago, my soon to be ex gave me the I love you, but I am not in love with you speech. This separation sounds like your wife may be positioning towards divorce, although not sure. A lot of what I said can still help though.

Hanging in limbo can be its own hell. If your wife says you are boring, then why would you want to waste your time with her?

It seems to me like a choice is going to have to be made. It appears, to me, that your wife is not willing to reconcile at this point.
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Default Sep 04, 2019 at 04:13 PM
  #6
I am DEEPLY SORRY this is happening to you, @1Martyr! Yes, I completely agree with all the other wise and wonderful posters. It all depends on how willing she is about working you your marriage together. From what you wrote it seems like she's already set up her mind about it. I am so sorry to hear that My advice would be to talk toher and see if there's anything that can be done. If she's still convinced that she doesn't want to work on your marriage, then yes, perhaps a divorce may be on the way. I know it is hard. Propose her to go to Couple Counselling. That could save your Marriage. However, the final decision is up to her. It take BOTH people to make a marriage work. If she doesn't want to work on it, then perhaps a divorce may be the best solution at that point! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY for what you're going through! Feel free to PM me ANYTIME when in need of advice and support. I am sure plenty of others will also GLADLY and WONDERFULLY help you if you just ask. Sending many safe, warm hugs to you, @1Martyr, and ALL of your Loved Ones, including your wife and your children! I hope things will work out one way or another. Keep fighting and keep rocking as much as you possibly can like you're already WONDERFULLY DOING ALL AND ENTIRELY ON YOUR OWN!
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Default Sep 04, 2019 at 05:13 PM
  #7
How old is your wife Martyr?

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Default Sep 04, 2019 at 05:39 PM
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Originally Posted by Open Eyes View Post
How old is your wife Martyr?

Welcome to Psych Central
She's 32 and I will be 37 this year. Another factor at play is that my stepson is special needs with a birth disorder that effectively took away her youth so I feel like a lot of this is an internal struggle with herself... There are a LOT of considerations at play here and I am trying my best to be patient.
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Default Sep 04, 2019 at 05:42 PM
  #9
@sarcgeo I read one of your posts and also said to myself that we have a lot in common... I don't think that my wife has really checked out as she is portraying but needs to acknowledge her part in where we are today as well. I wouldn't even be comfortable reconciling without her also acknowledging that she will work on herself to better the marriage. Instead of being angry at her for doing what she is doing I sincerely feel bad for her that she doesn't recognize the damage that is occurring with every passing day.
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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 06:34 AM
  #10
It’s quite a coincidence that your wife pulled this on you right after you closed on a new home. I’ve learned over time that marriage should just be abolished , ( I can give you why I feel this way elsewhere ).
It appears like your situation is headed for divorce. What makes your situation worse than mine is the children involved, which makes it MUCH harder to deal with. If you look closely you’ll probably discover that this just didn’t come out of “ nowhere “. Think of incidents or things said that you maybe didn’t interpret correctly. They give clues that lead up to it. My advice , from personal experience , would be to stop trying to reconcile and start thinking about how your going to move forward. You need to get in survival mode because things can get very nasty. Also sounds like she has personal issues related to her child and has to face them. The only thing I would try is couples therapy. If that goes nowhere, ( considering that she even agrees to go ) , then therapy for yourself. If you have a good friend that you can confide in consider yourself blessed.
Best of luck to you......

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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 11:26 AM
  #11
From what you have shared and your wife's age, I honestly have a strong feeling that she is tired of living her life around the challenges "others" have handed her and she did not really get to enjoy certain freedoms where she could just focus on herself and having fun and being young and single with little worries and responsibilities.

Her age is definitely an age where this "life resentments and desires for freedom" tends to come out. Honestly, I think this separation is an attempt of hers to find some personal freedoms for a change. I don't think it's really YOU that is boring either, instead it was the entire life she was living that has weighed her down. After all, she had to live her life around a child with challenges when she was still very young herself and that has put her in a trap she has grown tired of. You sound very structured and committed and you are also older and more mature and you have enjoyed engaging in working and having your own personal gains too. I am wondering if she has had any of that kind of freedom herself. did she ever work and have her own career? Or was her life constantly all about caring for a child and HAVING to be committed to that constantly?
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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 01:52 PM
  #12
@openeyes I think that you hit the nail on the head unfortunately... She works but it is as a nurse to her son so she is mostly home in rotation with the other nurse. I even spoke to her today and she reiterated her being tired of trying to work on us and doesn't want to. She said that all the things that I'm doing now are things that I should have always done but I'm choosing to now because she's already gone.

She often talks about how much she is loving her freedom right now etc. I think it's time for me to come to the realization that it might be over. I think it's over wayyyy to soon but because of the personal circumstance I think our marriage just isn't what she wants.
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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 03:44 PM
  #13
Oh, don't be so hard on yourself, you are certainly NOT a mind reader. I don't know if it would have mattered who your wife was with, at this point she is just trying to distance and trying to be free. It sounds like she is experiencing a bad case of caregiver fatigue. And she has a two year old and that's also very demanding of her. The entire picture of her life is probably demanding and boring for her always having to give constant care to others. What's a new house even? Something more to have to tend after? Keep in mind, "moving" is actually rather high on the list of major life stresses. Sometimes things all just come together where a person just suddenly says "enough! I am done with all this constant stress, feeling like I am ALWAYS giving and not getting enough back".

I remember being around that age and talking to my friends that had been married for a while and would say how they look over at their husband and feel UGH, YUCK as if in a loathing way. It's a combination of things that create that and even a lot of women themselves are not sure how to explain it. Relationships are definitely a challenge and people often can get bored and go through phases in their relationships. She probably doesn't want anyone and to just get a break and feel free for a while. It's not surprising she is enjoying the separation, any break, any change can feel freeing and different and any different can give a sense of some kind of much needed break.

I am sorry you are going through this, it's understandable how this is simply throwing you through an emotional loop not knowing what to do about it.

Have you moved into this new home already? Has she talked about how the two of you will be living separately?

Last edited by Open Eyes; Sep 05, 2019 at 04:04 PM..
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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 06:18 PM
  #14
I really appreciate your words... I was moved into the house for 3 weeks before leaving. Now I'm staying with family trying to figure out my next move. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy.
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Default Sep 05, 2019 at 06:53 PM
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Oh, I am sure you are devasted and deeply confused on so many levels and it really sounds like you were just blindsided with this too. Sigh....yeah I have experienced some nasty things in my own life that totally blindsided me, yes would not wish any of these challenges to happen to anyone, I hear you on that one. God, and it's often lonely isn't it? Oh, I know about that one too and I am so sorry for you. Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to about this that can be a source of support for you?

Remember you can always come here and vent when you need to. Sometimes we need to vent because often a person can get stuck in disbelief. From what you are sharing it really sounds like you have been blindsided with this challenge. It can create a powerless and helpless feeling so it's important to be very patient with yourself as you slowly move through whatever this challenge presents to you. You still have your children to love, you still have your job even though these things are not arranged in your life the way you have been experiencing them. It's very NORMAL to feel very out of sorts and confused.
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 03:14 AM
  #16
My wife pulled the same crap on me. “ We just drifted apart “. Now I can actually understand why she did what she did. BUT , she blindsided me and all of a sudden, someone I was intimate with for over 40 years just told me to keep hands off and get out ! No explanation, just get out. People just don’t want to work on their marriage anymore. 50% failure rate. Whatever happened “ to death do you part “ ? Those words don’t mean crap anymore. I could see it under certain circumstances. But she had plenty of freedom. Maybe too much !

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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 04:55 AM
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My wife pulled the same crap on me. “ We just drifted apart “. Now I can actually understand why she did what she did. BUT , she blindsided me and all of a sudden,
Now that you are at the point where you understand why she did what she did, can you share the why?
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 08:46 AM
  #18
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God, and it's often lonely isn't it? Oh, I know about that one too and I am so sorry for you. Do you have anyone IRL you can talk to about this that can be a source of support for you?

It feels like solitary confinement for me right now honestly and its such a contrast that I'm here in my deepest of depressions and she is having the time of her life. I've got friends that check on me but its a situation where they don't even really know what to say and nothing that they say makes the situation any better. Its always the "her expectation of marriage is very unrealistic and she is going to regret this time in the future"

She is my wife and I will always love her and even now like I said I can't even speak ill of her because I know what she's been through and understand that all of this is directly related. Nothing that we have gone through is grounds for a separation or divorce... In fact We've been through much more which should have made us a stronger union. I wish that I could be patient and just give her the space and time but that is impossible while I'm depressed so unfortunately it may end up in a divorce instead of sitting down and fixing it like we should. The problem is I'm the only one that was willing to do so.

Thanks for letting me vent guys.
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 09:54 AM
  #19
I know what you are describing, I have had those experiences myself with some life challenges where other indivduals chose to do things that completely caught me off guard. Well, you have more maturity than she does too. At least you have the ability to stand back and understand some of the "whys". That is a plus but unfortunately, it does not fix or change what your wife is choosing to do that has basically tossed you to the wayside like this. Often, it has a lot to do with needing to experience "not having to answer to anyone" too.

Years ago, when I was in my thirties, there was a series on called "Thirty Something" and that series really did a good job at depicting some of the challenges couples face when they reach their thirties. I wish I could provide some comfort and tell you how she will get past this and realize she needs you and should appreciate you more. I can't predict that for you because sometimes it all depends on how much a spouce has pent up in them where they just need to experience some freedom that they themselves don't really understand but just want to experience so badly.

I don't really think it's so much your marriage that she doesn't want, instead it was her life and being so tied down all the time. After all, she has been with you for almost 10 years and was tied down to a special needs child too. She has not really had any real FREEDOM if you think about it. It doesn't sound like she really experienced other relationships either, well, she is going to find out some harsh realities when it comes to that.

Does she have an actual nursing degree?
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Default Sep 06, 2019 at 10:17 AM
  #20
She does have a nursing degree. She is an LPN the interest in nursing came from our son who has SMA. He is unable to walk or talk so he requires 24/7 care. Nursing wise it is my wife and one other full-time nurse who does 40 hrs.
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