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Old 09-19-2019, 07:37 PM   #1
Jeg779
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Default Separated, living together, 3 kids

My wife of 9 years, mother of our 3 boys, has called for a Separation. She told me this AM that she is trying for the families sake.

She majored in fine art, and for years I thought I was supporting her. she hadn’t painted in 3 years and Until she broke. She says she feels invisible and is broken. Well since she said she needed space she’s been painting.

Ive done all the right steps, took accountability for my actions. And we were moving along ok, until last night. Last night she was painting and I was headed to bed (the couch). I walked by her and said good night. And all I got in return was a head nod. I should have realized she was in the zone painting and I should have just let her be. But I got upset, thought I deserved a hug in the least. We blew up.

this she said just proved her point, that I’m not callable of supporting her through an artistic career. I understand what went wrong, i shouldn’t have expectations. We are separated and need space. Expectations breed resentment.

After last night she says she’s willing to still try, for the families sake, but doesn’t believe I can do it.

Im heart broken, I don’t know what I’ll do if I lose her.

any words of encouragement or advice will be much appreciated. It feels like she’s checked out. Hot then cold. I don’t know how to act.
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Old 09-19-2019, 09:39 PM   #2
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Default Re: Separated, living together, 3 kids

How old is your wife Jeg?
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Old 09-20-2019, 06:29 AM   #3
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Default Re: Separated, living together, 3 kids

Sounds like your wife’s “ art work “ is more important than you. If it wasn’t art it would be some other excuse. I don’t thing expecting a hug is unreasonable.
I’m sorry you have children involved. My advice , based on personal experience, is get ready for anything. Never have to depend on anyone. Love is like dated milk. It goes bad fast. Find your own interests and start living your own life.
Marriages go bad like stale bread. And you may have done nothing wrong.
You came into this world alone and you’ll go out alone.
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Old 09-20-2019, 09:38 AM   #4
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Default Re: Separated, living together, 3 kids

Marriage relationships can go through slumps. Your wife may be depressed that she is not in a place she had pictured herself to be. Perhaps she has been something to others but has not had something for herself and is at a stage where she is unhappy. A woman can have a husband and children and yet be very lonely. There can be a bit of a caregiver exhaustion/depression from always doing for everyone else. Some women meet other moms through their children and listen to these other moms talk about having their own jobs/careers and it can lead to them feeling unhappy if they don't have that themselves. If she did not paint for three years it may have been that she was too busy tending to her three children and you and just did not have enough time and energy for herself. Plus, her life was all about "boys" and at times a husband can be like "just another boy child too". I need a kiss, I want sex, I, I, I.

You share that you have been married for 9 years but we don't know how old your children are and if your wife has been an at home mother or did she have work or anything for herself. Having three children tends to lead to a woman having to be in a bit of a perpetual giving up herself for yet another young child that is so dependent on her. Always doing laundry, always cleaning up after everyone always looking for clothes and shoes for her children, always getting them up and off to school and if a woman is a stay home mom, always doing laundry, cleaning, cooking, shopping and always tending to the needs of others including when the husband comes home and wants HIS needs met and her to listen to HIS whiining and to be there for him sexually.

You have not really shared all that much about "her" but how you feel and that you are sleeping on the sofa and you wanted to go to bed and saw her painting and felt cheated because she did not stop to give you a hug. I am wondering if she is painting after cooking dinner, getting the children to bed, picking up the kitchen, and is at least trying to spend time because she has a little bit of time at night where she can try to paint? I am thinking that when a woman says she is trying to work things out for the sake of "the family", that screams to me that she is very lonely and tired of being a constant caregiver to everyone else and is struggling to tend to "herself".

I do remember feeling very lonely in my own marriage, like I was the only adult and even later on when I finally got help my therapist told me that my husband was very imature and pushing my buttons to "mother" him and at that time I had a child the same age that my therapist told me was the maturity level as my husband.

Last edited by Open Eyes; 09-20-2019 at 10:29 AM..
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Old 09-21-2019, 05:44 AM   #5
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Default Re: Separated, living together, 3 kids

Has your wife made a living from her art?
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Old 09-29-2019, 03:27 PM   #6
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Default Re: Separated, living together, 3 kids

We are 34 and she is 35, our children are 1, 6, and 12. She is a work from home mom. She keeps the baby at home while working a full time job and then has started painting at night.

She is hot then cold, tells me she is jaded and that I should move on, that she’s trying to love me more.
We hug, kiss some times, some times we are even intimate.
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Old 09-29-2019, 03:51 PM   #7
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Default Re: Separated, living together, 3 kids

She was successful until the baby, who is now 1.5 years old.
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Old 09-29-2019, 11:27 PM   #8
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Default Re: Separated, living together, 3 kids

She just has my head and heart going in different directions each day, with this hot then cold stuff.
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Old 09-30-2019, 07:00 PM   #9
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Default Re: Separated, living together, 3 kids

Any possibility of couples' therapy?
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Old 10-18-2019, 12:57 AM   #10
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Default Re: Separated, living together, 3 kids

Hey, how old is your Wife?
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