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sarcgeo
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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 08:58 AM
  #1
Yesterday was the last weekend I got to see my stepson. I knew him since he was only a year old. He is 9 years old now and has always called me "Papa". I never forced that on him and I always tell him who his dad is. Furthermore, my daughter calls me Daddy. Having a blended home was a real learning experience.

But I am heartbroken and sad, since I am not sure if I will ever get to see him again. Perhaps when he is 18 and the memories of me are faded away. He gave me two hugs last night and I wept heavily after he left.

Now, I try to prepare my heartbroken soul for the real trauma, when my daughter leaves on Friday. I cannot bear the thought and it brings me to my knees in a helpless despair. I will be staying with my sister on Thursday and Friday to prepare for the storm that awaits me and fight the darkness that will try to consume me. I am not a religious man, but I have turned to prayer as a means of coping and trying my best to not collapse.

Trust me, I am trying to think of this in a positive way, but like I said I am on my knees a broken man, losing his family.

--sarc
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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 09:25 AM
  #2
I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS! You're a good man, sarcgeo. Can you still see your children on weekends and such? That should be permitted by the Law. In any case, please keep fighting, my dear, sweet friend. You're AWESOME and you know it! Your children know it as well. Please be kind to yourself. YOU'RE THE BEST! I am here for you if you need someone to talk to or vent to or even some advice and support. I am SURE plenty of others will also KINDLY, GLADLY, WISELY, BEAUTIFULLY AND WONDERFULLY help you out as well! My Inbox will ALWAYS be open for you! THAT'S A PROMISE! YOU CAN STAY ASSURED OF THAT! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, sarcgeo, your family, your friends, your children and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking! I am TRULY, DEEPLY SORRY that you're hurting and struggling SO BADLY and that you're going through ALL OF THIS!
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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 09:31 AM
  #3
I am sorry you will not see him. I looked back at some of your posts and it seems that you will be able to see your daughter periodically (as is your right and in her best interest)--I hope and pray that your ex is kind enough to allow you to see your stepson occassionally (though the father might have a vote as well). It wouldn't be hard for her to drop him off when she drops off your daughter and she might enjoy having a day off.

That you are sad about this is normal; however, in one of your posts you mentioned having a temper. You will have to figure out the cause of your temper. It is not always just one thing. Sometimes, it could have been a rational reaction to how your wife treated you; it can be caused by not putting ourselves first (when we become to depleted, it is harder to be kind); it can be caused by depression or other mental issues. Did you know that for some of us, irritability can be a symptom of depression? I am not saying you have what I have but I am a lot less irritable and less sad on my medications. For me, misfortunes in my life would send me down the rabbit hole of depression. If you find you are in a hole you can't get help from--seek help! It is easy to get so caught up in events (a divorce is all consuming) that we don't know how lost we have become. Take care of yourself so you can be the best you can be for your unicorn and your stepson. There are places out there that will provide treatment on a sliding scale. Hopefully, you can at least send your stepson B-day and holiday cards.
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Default Sep 23, 2019 at 11:11 AM
  #4
sarcgeo, I am sorry you are struggling emotionally with how things are progressing and changing. It's important that you reach out for therapy so that you can finally talk about not only your past and how that affected you, but also your long struggle to heal which does include your trying to avoid "feeling" by turning to alcohol. It's good that you corrected that, however, it doesn't really sound as though you got the help to sort things out in yourself. This is probably coming out in the anger you struggle with from time to time.

You can love another person, want to be a part of that other person's life and that other person becomes unhappy about their life and often that has a lot more to do with them than you being the failure. You most likely want to "fix" things and often that simply is NOT in your power. This is what you experienced with your unhappy mother, and now with your unhappy wife. The sense of "powerlessness" is the same, yet, it's important that you don't take on all the blame and finally sit and work through how you feel and why this is such a challenge for you.

You can "still" be a loving and influencial presence for your daughter. She may have some challenges herself due to her mother's unhappiness and taking a different direction in her life. You know first hand how challenging this can be for a child, it's normal you are concerned. However, if you sit there in sadness you will not be a source of support to your daughter that you could be when she needs it down the road. Your daughter has to contend with a sibling that needs extra attention, a mother who is often drained by that and not happy about her life. This is a lot for a young child to deal with, they simply do not have the skills and can often feel powerless and lonely. So, as a father, you can STILL provide a source of love and guidance so your daughter has some kind of presence she can turn to where she feels loved and gets attention instead of having to deal with things she has no idea how to understand and deal with.

While your wife is choosing to live a separate life from you, you do still have a right to love and care for your daughter and to "be" a father to your little girl. Your daughter will benefit from your taking an interest in her and planning things she will enjoy when you have time with her that revolve around HER. What young children need is nurturing that constantly give that child permission and constant support to develop their OWN identity. A presence that shows unconditional love so that child really feels safe to embrace their own personal identity.

Your young daughter should NOT be expected to try to thrive in an environment where she unknowingly absorbs the unhappiness of a parent/parents. Young children simply have no idea what to do with that kind of environment. Actually, this is part of what you are feeling now, that you had also felt as a young child that YOU did not know what to do with yourself.

You are right, "It is sad".

Your wife got pregnant young, had to care for a very challenged child and never got to have her own personal "exciting" and independent life that so many experience in their 20's. Unfortunately, what she is going through you can't fix, just like you could not fix whatever was lacking for your mother either. (wonder if your mother began to experience this around the same age too, it happens). Even your wife's education revolved around the needs of someone else. IMHO, your wife is craving to experience some "freedom". However, this can come at a cost to others, and often a hurt to a young child that you are very familiar with yourself.

If I remember correctly, your father was just at a loss, may have been different for you if he was not that way and made it a point to pay more attention to you. That ususally does help as children can do well with a good mentor figure. Well, think about that, don't be like your father was, heal and grow and be a parent to your child. Yet, also take time to heal yourself and continue to grow as a person.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Sep 23, 2019 at 01:13 PM..
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Default Sep 24, 2019 at 09:02 AM
  #5
Thanks for all the input. I am taking medication for my depression and anxiety;, furthermore, I am seeing a therapist and he is helping me, but sometimes I feel desperate and that is why I come here. I wish my wave of emotions would manifest themselves only with my therapist, but that is not the case. Open eyes, you have a lot of wisdom and understand my situation well. I appreciate your valued insight and input.

I have often struggled with very low self esteem and lately there has been a tremendous amount of pressure. Trust me, I think I am doing better as a parent than my own parents. I often found it very tough to fight my battles head on and now, I must do it for my daughter's sake. I will try to think of her and her need for a daddy.

The questions that plague me are, how can I be strong for my daughter, when I feel like I have lost everything? How do I support her when I feel so sapped of power? How can I be there for her, when I am barely struggling to keep afloat myself? This probably seems very selfish, but they are truly what is going on in my head at the moment.

--sarc

Last edited by sarcgeo; Sep 24, 2019 at 09:21 AM..
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Default Sep 25, 2019 at 11:54 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarcgeo View Post
Thanks for all the input. I am taking medication for my depression and anxiety;, furthermore, I am seeing a therapist and he is helping me, but sometimes I feel desperate and that is why I come here. I wish my wave of emotions would manifest themselves only with my therapist, but that is not the case. Open eyes, you have a lot of wisdom and understand my situation well. I appreciate your valued insight and input.

Often when sitting with a therapist and trying to cover so much in only an hour can leave someone walking out the door still feeling
the weight of the challenge and emotional frustrations.

I believe you ARE a better parent than your own parents were. You are intimately aware of the behaviors they exhibited that hurt you and you will not want your own child to struggle the way you did.

I had a therapist that helped me a lot and he explained to me one day that he had experienced a breakdown himself. He had gotten overwhelmed with frustration because he felt such a need to "fix" his patients and he had to learn that he cannot actually "fix" his patients, all he can do is listen and help his patients learn how to "fix" themselves.

First of all ((sarc)) there is nothing wrong with feeling bad about what you are experiencing with this relationship. You have every right to have your own desires to do well in a relationship and try to be a good person. However, sarc, you really have no control over what your wife is going through right now. I believe you did try to do nice things for her, but her void is not going to be filled by your actions. Your wife did miss a lot of her personal years of having a chance to focus on herself and enjoy experiencing different things on her own terms. Your wife had that child so young and because of his disabilities and special needs, you wife's life revolved around him. Your wife is weary and bored of her life, she cannot change her child's constant needs, or that she has yet another young child. What she decided to change was her relationship with you.

You shared that she seemed to be happier with this separation. This is actually fleeting and it's simply due to her doing "something" she can change about her life. She did "something" that brought her some sense of relief, some kind of freedom. This "I need some excitement" she utters, this is really not about you or even that you failed, it has more to do with her trying to figure out some way to escape this trapped feeling she is experiencing.


I have often struggled with very low self esteem and lately there has been a tremendous amount of pressure. Trust me, I think I am doing better as a parent than my own parents. I often found it very tough to fight my battles head on and now, I must do it for my daughter's sake. I will try to think of her and her need for a daddy.

Well, it's not JUST for your daughter's sake, it's also for your own sake too. Your daughter is powerless to change anything that is happening with her parents or any of the changes your wife chooses to make in her life right now. This means your daughter will need to learn how to develop her own identity and self esteem despite these things she has no control over. Given that your daughter is only four years old, she is at a very impressionable age. Since you are separating from your wife, it's important that you do not separate from your daughter.

You have not lost your daughter, and what you can do NOW is plan on doing things with your daughter that can expose her to lots of adventures with you together. Look around for different activities you can do with her. Take her to a near by children's museum, take her to a nice child's movie, take her to a small fair as often this time of year there are lots of little fall fairs. You can take her to a nearby farm to see horses and perhaps get a pony ride too. There are a lot of things you can do with your child where she can have a life away from her older brother and all that she has to contend with while her mother is all about caring for him.

If you live separately from your wife, make sure you have a place set up for your daughter so she knows she is welcome, a part of your life and has a place WITH you. When you have plans to have her with you, make sure you have some nice books ready that you can read to her, so go to the library and you can even do that with her too and pick out books together that you can read to her and have cuddle time with a nice story. You get to heal your own inner child when you help your own child feel loved and be able to explore and have her daddy there CARING about her. These years that are important, and we never get a redo, so it's important that while you are not happy with this change, that you make sure it's not so hard on your child too.


The questions that plague me are, how can I be strong for my daughter, when I feel like I have lost everything? How do I support her when I feel so sapped of power? How can I be there for her, when I am barely struggling to keep afloat myself? This probably seems very selfish, but they are truly what is going on in my head at the moment.

Do what I have suggested above ((sarc)) remember that children are not set up to carry their parent's problems. Now, you do know this from your own mother and your own childhood experiences where your mother did things that created unhealthy feelings in you and also created this challenge with low self esteem. You can never change what you mother chose to do, but you CAN change what you can choose to do with your own child that is good for her, and that part of you that had long ago needed some positive adventures and attention too.

If your daughter talks about "why is mommy this or that" just answer her with how mommy needs some time to do things for herself too. That's really the only thing a little child is capable of dealing with and are ok with it as long as they are experiencing a nurturing caring presence that is helping them develop their own identity and exploring and doing and seeing holding the hand of a caring parent.

It would probably help your wife if you had plans to take your daughter to do fun things while your wife has a break from her disabled son so she can do things for herself. I am sure you love your wife still which makes this especially hard for you. Yet, loving another person means respecting their space and even need to distance where they find something to fill their own void which is really what your wife is trying to do right now. Keep in mind that some of your wifes choices may be hard for you to see, yet you are dealing with a woman that is going to make some strange choices in her effort to retrieve whatever she feels she missed all those years that she was trapped being a caregiver. Often people say things, behave in ways that "feel" like they are blaming you, when in reality, they are not happy and are at a point where they have a very strong desire for some kind of personal "freedom". IMHO, the only thing your wife could change was her attachment to you and that's not YOUR failure either, this is something your wife needs to fix, you can't fix it but just do your best to understand it. Hopefully, if your wife does find some relief, she will be a better mother, and that is very important for your daughter. If your wife starts to slip in her caring time with your daughter, then you can be there to make sure your daughter can still feel loved and have a parent that she can do things with that are fun.


--sarc
Lots to think about here in my post. You can heal you by doing for your own child what you had missed and needed yourself, even if your wife is distancing from your marriage due to her own "personal voids".
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Default Sep 27, 2019 at 08:34 AM
  #7
Open Eyes, thanks for your inspiring and thought provoking response. One point of clarification though, my step son is not a special needs child. I am not sure where I may have said that, but he is a normal needs child. Nonetheless, thank you and everyone else for your assistance in my struggle.

--sarc
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Default Sep 27, 2019 at 09:07 AM
  #8
I am sorry, did I confuse you with another poster/member? I thought your wife had a special needs boy and became a nurse to take care of him and that you have a daughter with her that is yours. I must have, I am sorry, both of you have an older boy not yours and young daughter. MY own IRL has been full of big challenges, so sorry for the confusion.
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