How do I let go when I still have hope?

My long time beau and I have been on shaky ground. He has threatened to leave many times and gone as far as packing his things and driving away, only to turn around that day or the next and come home. A strong relationship is not built on the constant threat of the end. I’m tired of it but I love him dearly. Many times I will plead with him to try and work it out. We see a therapist together, but the fighting doesn’t cease. It’s centered around his unhappiness with the relationship and my desire for something more. I want a future and he is very happily in the present.

I’m to a point I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. I want it to work but he keeps pulling away. I know he won’t make the decision to leave though. He tells me he won’t be the one to end it but in the same day, remind me how awful things are and how he dreams of Leaving and be free of our responsibilities.

Luckily we have no children. He literally could pack every belonging and fit it in his truck and leave. He has never been a material guy. I however train horses and that requires a lot of work and time. I worked with and owned horses when we met but the more time that passed, the more I think he realized he just doesn’t like that lifestyle. I have tried to devote time to him and have put that on hold, not taking new clients so I can do things he enjoys but it just doesn’t seem to make a difference.

I guess I just don’t know how to let go. And I feel this weight on me to be the one to break it off. But I still care for him and in rare moments, when we are together and happy and being affectionate, I see the man I need but it’s just a glimmer now. I think we both realize our lives have gone in different directions. I just can’t seem to say goodbye. And mean it. Every time he leaves, no matter how ugly the fight or how upset we are, I feel so lost without him. And beg for him to reconsider.

I feel so conflicted because I don’t want it to be over. I’m wishing for a miracle. I’m wanting him to be the man I need though that’s not fair to him. Because he just doesn’t like the life I have. And I can’t just sell everything and move to the city. I’d be miserable.

How do you say it’s over when you still have hope?

It seems like you're struggling a lot, @ruesia! It is hard to let go, especially when we still feel Love for the other person. It isn't easy and it is going to be a long process. My advice would be to contact an experienced Therapist so that you'll be able to work through ALL of this. Please do remember that it won't happen in one day and that it WILL take Time, but that you can still do this! I'd suggest Marriage Counselling, but... it seems like your Husband has already made up his Mind so I'm not sure whether or not it will prove to be useful for BOTH of you. Please do keep fighting and keep trying your best! You'll be able to get through ALL of this eventually, with Time and Patience. Be kind to yourself! Sending many safe, warm hugs to BOTH you, @ruesia, your Family, your Friends, your Husband and ALL of your Loved Ones! Keep fighting and keep rocking NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS, OK, MY DEAR, SWEET, KIND, AWESOME AND WONDERFUL FRIENDS?!

Hi @ruesia

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Originally Posted by ruesia My long time beau and I have been on shaky ground. He has threatened to leave many times and gone as far as packing his things and driving away, only to turn around that day or the next and come home. A strong relationship is not built on the constant threat of the end.

You are right about this, and honestly anyone that goes far enough to pack and leave does not love you the way you want him to. Just because he cant go through with it doesnt mean he really loves you and wants to stay.

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I’m tired of it but I love him dearly. Many times I will plead with him to try and work it out. We see a therapist together, but the fighting doesn’t cease. It’s centered around his unhappiness with the relationship and my desire for something more. I want a future and he is very happily in the present.

Re-read what you wrote. Does this sound like the type of person you want to marry and have kids with? What would you tell a friend if she were in this situation?

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I’m to a point I feel like I’m spinning my wheels. I want it to work but he keeps pulling away. I know he won’t make the decision to leave though. He tells me he won’t be the one to end it but in the same day, remind me how awful things are and how he dreams of Leaving and be free of our responsibilities. Luckily we have no children. He literally could pack every belonging and fit it in his truck and leave. He has never been a material guy. I however train horses and that requires a lot of work and time. I worked with and owned horses when we met but the more time that passed, the more I think he realized he just doesn’t like that lifestyle. I have tried to devote time to him and have put that on hold, not taking new clients so I can do things he enjoys but it just doesn’t seem to make a difference.

yes good thing you do not have kids. I dont know much about raising horses myself but I have a friend who raises horses so tell me if I get it wrong...my friend adores her horses and is devoted to their care. She will do anything right by them. She boards them but assumes full care and goes every day twice a day to do her horsey thing with them in addition to riding them. She will go in any weather and even got stuck overnight at the farm in a snow storm. Her horses almost come first. She has a boyfriend but made it clear that they rely on her and she will never let them down. Luckily he seems to want to embrace it too so she is teaching him how to care for them. As far as I can see horses owners in relationships are a trio- them, partner and horses. And thats ok if it works for my friend. Does your bf want to learn about the horses or help care for them?

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I guess I just don’t know how to let go. And I feel this weight on me to be the one to break it off. But I still care for him and in rare moments, when we are together and happy and being affectionate, I see the man I need but it’s just a glimmer now. I think we both realize our lives have gone in different directions. I just can’t seem to say goodbye. And mean it. Every time he leaves, no matter how ugly the fight or how upset we are, I feel so lost without him. And beg for him to reconsider.

This is not meant offensively but you sound a little co-dependent. And that is not a slam, I was too once. reading about it and therapy helped me break the cycle. Have you considered therapy for yourself? Begging him to reconsider puts all the power in his hands. You will always be in a position of feeling "grateful" that he stayed or that you have to bend over backwards to meet his needs. Its very unhealthy. Yes, the weight is on your shoulders to make him leave. No matter what he says or if he comes back you need to be the one to end it. If you want a future and happiness you will need to lay a boundary and stick to it. And if that means changing the locks on the house and calling the police to make him leave if hes banging on your door so be it.
I feel so conflicted because I don’t want it to be over. I’m wishing for a miracle. I’m wanting him to be the man I need though that’s not fair to him. Because he just doesn’t like the life I have. And I can’t just sell everything and move to the city. I’d be miserable.

How do you say it’s over when you still have hope?[/QUOTE]

It does not sound like you are getting anything out of this relationship. Not really. Do you think it might do you some good to take the leap and break things off with him yourself and spend some time on your own for a while?

Thanks everyone.

@MickeyCheeky, we have been seeing a couples therapist. The first session seemed to go well- we had ground rules set forward. I followed mine, he did not follow his. I am a very anxious attachment type (needing reassurance, needing comfort, wanting closeness) and he is very avoidant (needing space, needing time, independence). When we would disagree, he would pull away and I would follow. The more I'd pursue him, the more he ran. So we agreed that when we had a disagreement, if he called a 'time out', then we would immediately stop and take a break. However, the agreement was that we would have a set time to come back to discuss it when he felt that he had enough time, space, and independence to discuss it. He'd call a time out and I'd stop, but he wouldn't agree to discuss it. He would say "I'm done with this conversation". So, when we met with the counselor last week, my beau said that he felt I was constantly picking fights about things that don't matter and he felt it was a waste of time to come back to it. That stinks. So, the counselor gave us some worksheets on "I statements" and "fighting fair" to work on. So far, I have reframed my statements to be "I feel _____, and I need ______" instead of "You are ______ and it makes me feel _____".

@sarahsweets, thank you for your reply. I do devote a lot of time to my horses, but I have many times put them on the back burner for my beau. I used to ask him for help (namely when it came to moving hay bales because he is quite strong and I am not so much, hehe) and he told me after awhile he things its BS and that he doesn't want to help me. So I stopped asking for help. He has nothing to do with my horses, but if I am out of town, he will feed them (which takes approx 5 minutes a day). Luckily they are on the same property and are relatively self sufficient, but need their vitamins at night. I think I'm really perplexed because he used to be a very forward thinking, future facing. Over time, his depression has gotten worse and it seems his avoidant behaviors and deactivating moods increased. I think I'm holding on because I know that person is somewhere in there. Or, I believe he is. But you're right--- at what cost and for how long am I willing to experience? And, is that person still in there at all?

@LilyMop, thank you! I am going to be gone for a week during the holidays (away from beau) and I think I really need to assess if I feel *better* during this time, relieved, etc.

Part of me wants to say "While I am gone for the holidays, please pack your things and be gone before I come back". I've gone so far as calling a friend and asking them to come stay at the house to make sure that a) beau leaves and b) that my animals are then taken care of while I'm gone. She said sure, she'd gladly come and keep an eye on things.

But still I hesitate. I hope. I am holding on to this thread so fine I imagine any minute it could unravel, but hold on I do.

Ironically, I have been in breakups that were much less trying than this one. I have been in very secure relationships that I realized weren't going the right directions for both of us. I think the difference here is, my beau knows just want to say to get me hooked and make me feel just enough love that I don't want to let go. I don't think he does it consciously, but he does it just the same.

Well, I went through this many years ago and we actually wound up staying together for many years thereafter. So, it doesn't sound good, but you know, every now and then these things do work out. Sorry, but just felt I had to share this.