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LetGoAfter30yrs
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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 09:05 PM
  #1
Hello All

Just over a year ago, my husband (who I adored), with no apparent warning signs, accidentally sent me a text message that was meant for another woman. This began my trauma.
We have been married 30 years. He said it wasn't me, but he needed to start living his life for himself, and didnt want to be married anymore.
However, with the other woman (whom I know), who he has worked with for over 10 years, puts an entirely different layer of harm into the situation
I have never been alone in my life. He moved out, and wont disclose where he is living. But he let me know she lives in the same apartment complex.
I am living in our home where I raised our children and raised our grandchildren. I am now completely alone with no family, albeit my children and grands. His family left when he left. My parents are deceased.
I have been in therapy since the day this shock happened.
Not sure why I ended up here. But, just trying to cope and survive with this grief and loss.
There are no easy or viable answers right now. I love him unconditionally with my whole soul, and finding out suddenly he doesnt love me anymore, that he is in love with this woman (his words) and she is 12 years younger with teenagers at home.....and I am so beautiful inside and out if I were to compare....there just no appropriate words. I keep getting knocked down in utter despair, but I get back up. I am lonely and weary 🙄😥
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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 10:16 PM
  #2
I'm so sorry for what you are going through. I can't imagine how you must feel after what happened. Welcome to Psych Central.

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LetGoAfter30yrs
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Default Feb 01, 2020 at 10:21 PM
  #3
Thank you for your kind words. I appreciate them.
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Default Feb 05, 2020 at 03:17 PM
  #4
Quote:
Originally Posted by LetGoAfter30yrs View Post
Hello All

Just over a year ago, my husband (who I adored), with no apparent warning signs, accidentally sent me a text message that was meant for another woman. This began my trauma.
We have been married 30 years. He said it wasn't me, but he needed to start living his life for himself, and didnt want to be married anymore.
However, with the other woman (whom I know), who he has worked with for over 10 years, puts an entirely different layer of harm into the situation
I have never been alone in my life. He moved out, and wont disclose where he is living. But he let me know she lives in the same apartment complex.
I am living in our home where I raised our children and raised our grandchildren. I am now completely alone with no family, albeit my children and grands. His family left when he left. My parents are deceased.
I have been in therapy since the day this shock happened.
Not sure why I ended up here. But, just trying to cope and survive with this grief and loss.
There are no easy or viable answers right now. I love him unconditionally with my whole soul, and finding out suddenly he doesnt love me anymore, that he is in love with this woman (his words) and she is 12 years younger with teenagers at home.....and I am so beautiful inside and out if I were to compare....there just no appropriate words. I keep getting knocked down in utter despair, but I get back up. I am lonely and weary 🙄😥
I hope what I am about to write will help: I'm guessing you and your husband are in your late 40s to early 60s. It sounds to me like your husband is having a mid-life crisis/has forgotten his wedding vows/been seduced by the notion that a woman 12 years younger than he means he is somehow magically a young buck again. That's one thing.

The second thing is when you write "I have never been alone in my life." A friend of mine is going through a terrible time right now because her husband died, not suddenly, but after a relatively brief and gruesome illness. She also has little family and few friends in the area, which gives her a lot of alone time. She just doesn't know what to do with herself.

So you have two issues, really. One you can start working on right away. Has your counseling helped at all? It is not a quick fix although when I started counseling (for a different issue) I did feel somewhat better right away just for the sheer fact that I was doing something positive for myself. If it has been a year and you don't feel even a bit better or that no progress has made, you may need a different counselor. I would discuss this at your next session. And while we are on the topic of yourself--what are you doing for yourself? Have you done anything positive or pleasant for yourself? I urge you to try that. No, it doesn't fix a broken marriage, but it can be a pleasant diversion to go to dinner with one of your children or to go to the movies with a grandchild, or lunch with a friend. Or get your hair done or whatever it is you can enjoy without consideration for the hubs.

A couple of other things I suggest which may be controversial but I am thinking of you and your feelings, not your hubs, not the woman he is basically shacking up with. Have you told your husband that you spoke your wedding vows with conviction and expected that he did too and that you want to know when he is going to enter marital therapy with you because you are not ready to throw in the towel on your marriage (assuming you are still legally married)? Furthermore, if you are legally married, you expect him to provide you with an address because you would need it in the event of an emergency and you deserve it as his legal spouse. And lastly, I would write his girlfriend a letter (not call her, write it, so she can read it over and over) and tell her what a lowdown thing she is doing encouraging a married (If you are still married) man to desert his wife and shirk his marital responsibilities and while I was at it I would point out she is setting an extremely poor example for her teenage children.

Now I know a lot of people are going to get all squeamish about that and want to argue "oh, divorce happens!" Well, accidental amputations happen too, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to prevent them, and to repair them when they happen.

If you are already legally divorced, much of what I have written will be water over the dam. Except the counseling--always a good idea for shocking events we cannot handle well on our own.

However, if your husband has simply slunk off and the decree isn't final, I think you have every right to assert yourself.

And to go back to my widowed friend. I'm glad she had a happy marriage. That's a wonderful thing. But everyone should try to develop healthy living skills for the unforeseen, the accidental, the sudden events. I had the good fortune to meet her husband and I know he would not want her to be suffering like she is now.

And I say the same to you. You deserve happiness. And if your present situation does not provide for that, gather your resources (a better counselor, a trusted friend, an adult child) for moral/emotional support and start rebuilding your life in a way that provides for joy and peaceful existence even if he does not come back.

P.S. People cheating and leaving their spouse isn't always (and probably usually isn't) about someone being more or less beautiful. It originates inside the cheater and they might not even know why they are doing what they are doing (although many are quick to allow the cheated upon take the blame/guilt. <--that is human nature.

I hope what I have written helps. I empathize with your deep grief.
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Default Feb 07, 2020 at 07:47 AM
  #5
I am very sorry for your hurt. I’m speaking from my own experience. After over 30 years of marriage I was told that we needed to go separate ways. You really shouldn’t be surprised and if you look back closely I’m sure you will see many signs that were missed. This seems to be a common occurrence nowadays.
In my view , the idea of romantic “ forever “ love is an unrealistic proposition.
Human nature seems to work against the ideal.
My advice is plain and simple , learn how to be able to live life for yourself and no one else. It may sound selfish but we’re talking about survival here.
Realize that the circumstances of life can change dramatically and instantly.
Realize that if you can work it out , fine. If not , also fine , because during all of this you will find your inner strength.
Wishing you the best.........

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*Disclaimer * Anything I have posted is strictly my own personal opinion or experience , and is in no way, shape, or form
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Heart May 19, 2020 at 11:13 AM
  #6
I’m so so sorry to hear about your trauma. My therapist recommended a book called, The Journey from Abandonment to Healing, by Susan Anderson. Have you come across it? I highly recommend it if you have not. Sending love and prayers
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Default May 20, 2020 at 03:47 AM
  #7
I think you should go to couples therapy for the sake of dealing with him and your children as things move forward. How long has the affair been going on?

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Default May 25, 2020 at 10:59 AM
  #8
So he said he doesn’t want her anymore, moved out and continues relationship with his affair partner. OP doesn’t even know where he lives yet she is supposed to somehow have couples therapy with him? Sure vows are important but she isn’t the one breaking the vows. You can’t force people to uphold their vows or do what they don’t
want to do. He already broke his vows by sleeping around and leaving his marriage for the other woman
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Default May 26, 2020 at 10:42 AM
  #9
My husband of 25 years left me for a younger woman. I believe when men leave in their fifties they are the ones with issues not you. Cold comfort I know but try not to assign blame to yourself.
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Default Jun 11, 2020 at 06:38 PM
  #10
I am so sorry for what you are going through. I too was totally shocked after 25 years of marriage to be left with out warning. It's been a year now and all I want to do is go home. To the way it was. I don't think there is any way to put into words the sadness and grief that comes with the end of a marriage. Hugs to you. Stay strong.
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Default Jun 12, 2020 at 05:35 AM
  #11
I’m so very sorry for what you’re going through. I don’t have the right words to help you feel better... I doubt if any one person does. I hope you’re feeling a bit better today? It’s been a while since you’ve posted. I’m sending gentle hugs and kind thoughts. I also wonder if you are currently in therapy.

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Default Jun 12, 2020 at 11:30 AM
  #12
He is really running away from himself and his battle is his unhappiness with himself. It has been brewing in him for a while and it can happen once a man gets into or is approaching his fifties. This other woman probably just aided him in his quest to change his life and he may not actually love her. Actually, men go through hormonal changes like women do, their production of testaterone drops and they do begin to feel differently. Hormone level changes can really have an affect on not just women but also men. They are experiencing a kind of withdrawl that often they themselves don't quite understand. So, they have no idea how to articulate it. It's a menopause for men. And as with women, some are impacted more than others.

Truth is, the affects of hormonal changes are still being studied in both females and males. Some men begin to feel depressed and not themselves, and it can actually "scare and confuse them". And while he may be living in the same complex as this woman, it doesn't mean "she" is the true answer and he may STILL be very confused. Biological changes DO have an affect of all of us, some worse than others. It's an actual "chemical change" that affects how people "feel" about themselves and life in general. And we all do change "physically" as well as we begin to even lose our muscle mass.

He has tried to even say to you "it's not you IT'S ME" and that's probably the "truth" even though this has been so confusing for you.

My older brother has been battling prostrate cancer. The surgery and the treatments drastically affected his hormone levels. We were in the waiting room waiting for a hearing as we have been dealing with the loss of our parents and how horrible my sister has been. I observed my husband go over and talk to the three women at the desk and then he shared how one thing he now respects in how women go through menopaus. He talked about his treatments for prostrate cancer and how that's affected his hormone level and he happened to take his grandchildren to a disney movie and next thing he knew he could not stop weeping. These women were VERY moved by what he shared with them, what it can mean to a man facing significant hormonal changes. Most men would NEVER sit and talk about that and I have to say I was very surprised that my brother did share that. Oh, men notoriously have a hard time sharing their emotions. They are typically raised to stay quiet and JUST man up.

There is a scene in the movie "Moon Struck" where the mother is having dinner by herself in a restaurant and she sees a man suddenly have the younger woman he is with blow up and the woman throws her wine on him and walks out. The mother ends up having a conversation with the man who sits and shares with her how he has grown bored with himself and then once in a while a young face looks at him like he is amazing and important and he dates her, BUT it never lasts because they finally realize he isn't ALL THAT and instead just a boring college professor. What was good about that scene is what this man was sharing about himself and what seems to be missing in himself that he has been struggling with.

Truth is, people often go through changes we don't understand and THEY themselves don't understand. I don't think he is deserting you the way you think he is. I think your husband is lost and confused more than anything else.

What I am posting to you here isn’t about making excuses for your husbands choices either. You certainly did not deserve to suddenly have this happen. I just wanted to share some things you probably have not considered yet and I feel these things are important.

Last edited by Open Eyes; Jun 12, 2020 at 01:41 PM..
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