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Patagonia
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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 10:10 AM
  #1
Has anyone had any luck with mediation for child custody?
I feel like the mediation I did for custody this past fall was kind of substandard.
We went 3 times each session lasting 3 hrs trying to come up with a parental plan.

The first session my X said he thought the court approved time of two nites a week was disruptive & wouldn’t agree to it. So we wasted 3 hrs arguing over it as our mediator just sat there repeating what was said to each other.
It took forever to get the entire process done & it was expensive. I feel like I gave up on a few important things just so we could finish.

Afterwards when I spoke to my attorney she said if he wouldn’t agree to the 2 nites he’d be in contempt of court anyway & the judge already signed the agreement. Our job was to figure out the other stuff.

Why didn’t our mediator know this? I don’t think she had any legal background but I do know she works as a therapist.
I just felt like it would’ve gone better if someone was able to to help us & not just sit there.

6 months later, the divorce is not near being over & we’re having custody issues. I’d like to go back to mediations but now I’m hesitant.
Any advice?
Thanks

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Default Feb 28, 2020 at 09:39 PM
  #2
Can you and your ex sit down and come up with what works best for the kids and for you guys? This is what my ex and I ended up doing years ago and it worked out fine. (meaning the kids grew up and have good lives and we are each retired, not friends but not enemies) I lasted one mediation session...
I am sure, though, that there are good mediators out there, it would be worth interviewing a few to ask about how they work to see if it sounds like a good fit. (((best luck)))

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Default Feb 29, 2020 at 12:08 AM
  #3
Yeah im surprised the mediator didnt know that either. I bet any money your H did. It sounds like the mediator is intimidated by your H. Maybe somebody needs to tell the judge your H is not bending, and is playing games like this. IDK.
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Default Feb 29, 2020 at 07:15 AM
  #4
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Originally Posted by winter4me View Post
Can you and your ex sit down and come up with what works best for the kids and for you guys? This is what my ex and I ended up doing years ago and it worked out fine. (meaning the kids grew up and have good lives and we are each retired, not friends but not enemies) I lasted one mediation session...

I am sure, though, that there are good mediators out there, it would be worth interviewing a few to ask about how they work to see if it sounds like a good fit. (((best luck)))


My x refuses to speak to me. He’s very angry & very vindictive. Every step of this divorce he slows down. I’ve been waiting for discovery to start since September; had to file a motion to compel. My last lawyer was not aggressive enough to get him or his lawyer to move.
When we wento mediation I had several pages of notes of things I wanted to discuss that I had researched & wanted addressed. He had nothing. Didn’t know the difference between partial & shared custody that I had to explain to him. He sat across the table with his arms crossed & said no to just about everything. It was extremely difficult & demeaning even down to his tone & yet the mediator said nothing. I gave up a lot.

Now my oldest who’s 15 has refused to come see me since December. She knows that due to her age she can’t be forced. It kills me that I don’t see her or get to be in her life. She in therapy but refused to release any info.
My X has not asked her to reconsider this or to talk about it with her but it has created a huge wedge bec my other children will come according to the schedule. I know I can’t push her.
He refuses to communicate anything to me; like parallel parenting. I’m pretty sure he’d be thrilled if I was dead

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Default Feb 29, 2020 at 07:22 AM
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Yeah im surprised the mediator didnt know that either. I bet any money your H did. It sounds like the mediator is intimidated by your H. Maybe somebody needs to tell the judge your H is not bending, and is playing games like this. IDK.


I’m pretty sure he didn’t know because he would’ve been in contempt of the court order. Basically he didn’t even understand what I was filing when I asked for partial custody, but I did get more than I asked for.

We use an app on our phones to text & try to communicate but he doesn’t answer questions I put there, for days.
He circumvents communication by going to the kids first. I’ve asked him MANY times not to do this because every time it forces me to give up a weekend or makes me look bad in front of the kids yet he continues to do it.

He’s very intimidating; even with our kids.

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Default Feb 29, 2020 at 07:28 AM
  #6
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Originally Posted by Patagonia View Post
My x refuses to speak to me. He’s very angry & very vindictive. Every step of this divorce he slows down. I’ve been waiting for discovery to start since September; had to file a motion to compel. My last lawyer was not aggressive enough to get him or his lawyer to move.
When we wento mediation I had several pages of notes of things I wanted to discuss that I had researched & wanted addressed. He had nothing. Didn’t know the difference between partial & shared custody that I had to explain to him. He sat across the table with his arms crossed & said no to just about everything. It was extremely difficult & demeaning even down to his tone & yet the mediator said nothing. I gave up a lot.

Now my oldest who’s 15 has refused to come see me since December. She knows that due to her age she can’t be forced. It kills me that I don’t see her or get to be in her life. She in therapy but refused to release any info.
My X has not asked her to reconsider this or to talk about it with her but it has created a huge wedge bec my other children will come according to the schedule. I know I can’t push her.
He refuses to communicate anything to me; like parallel parenting. I’m pretty sure he’d be thrilled if I was dead
I am so sorry you are in this situation. It sounds like you are doing the very best you can to negotiate with a brick wall. If only he were not also doing damage...

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Default Mar 01, 2020 at 04:39 PM
  #7
I’m hesitant to go back to mediations again. It’s exhausting, & I’m not sure it would be helpful to my bit of self esteem thats barely there!

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Default Mar 28, 2020 at 11:27 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Patagonia View Post
Has anyone had any luck with mediation for child custody?
I feel like the mediation I did for custody this past fall was kind of substandard.
We went 3 times each session lasting 3 hrs trying to come up with a parental plan.

The first session my X said he thought the court approved time of two nites a week was disruptive & wouldn’t agree to it. So we wasted 3 hrs arguing over it as our mediator just sat there repeating what was said to each other.
It took forever to get the entire process done & it was expensive. I feel like I gave up on a few important things just so we could finish.

Afterwards when I spoke to my attorney she said if he wouldn’t agree to the 2 nites he’d be in contempt of court anyway & the judge already signed the agreement. Our job was to figure out the other stuff.

Why didn’t our mediator know this? I don’t think she had any legal background but I do know she works as a therapist.
I just felt like it would’ve gone better if someone was able to to help us & not just sit there.

6 months later, the divorce is not near being over & we’re having custody issues. I’d like to go back to mediations but now I’m hesitant.
Any advice?
Thanks

My mediation experience was a waste of time for me. My ex and her attorney demanded full custody and walked out when I would not agree to anything less than shared custody. My divorce has been going on since Nov 2017 and it is extremely depressing. My ex is not the type person who is reasonable in sitting down and discussing things. My children are 6 and 10. I can share that divorce seems like an endless pit of depression that you are sucked into. I never expected this in my life. Its also extremely hard because you feel alone in this experience, especially when you hear of others that had simple divorces, or well meaning friends tell you to get another attorney... Please know you are not alone in your feelings and that they are valid.
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Default Jun 18, 2020 at 11:30 AM
  #9
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Originally Posted by iamhurting View Post
I never expected this in my life. Its also extremely hard because you feel alone in this experience, especially when you hear of others that had simple divorces, or well meaning friends tell you to get another attorney... Please know you are not alone in your feelings and that they are valid.
Neither have I. It was the most painfull experience I have ever had, and I know it would have hurt much less if my ex-husband had just died. because the person he was and I loved no longer exists. It was replaced by someone that doens't give a damn about me or the kids. He went on with his life and married his mistress and had two more kids with her as if we had never been a family for more than 10 years.
That being said, my mediation was also hawfull. It was four years ago, and I was pressed to agree on shared custody. Me, who had wanted kids since I can remember myself as a person, I had to give them up every other week. They came to me with dirty laundry, he did not cut their nails, he did not clean their ears in the inside, he did not buy them lunch to take to school, he didn't have a pair o knickers or socks for them in his house, all the clothes they had were the ones I bought them . Knowing all this I was harrassed to agree on that half time ********. He claimed he was a good father, he could not live without his kids, claimed it was I that wanted to divorce because he loved us...In the end of the year fortunatly he had to go to work in another city and I got to have the kids like I wanted: monday to friday and one weekend in every two. He on the other way managed to live without them real fine, he moved in with his mistress (that was why I filled the divorce in the first place), then bought a house with her using the money he got from selling our family house, had a new baby and she is now pregnant again. The best part of this is that I have my kids for my own now, I have my own apartment and I do not need that sack of **** for anything more in my life.
Disney should begin to make movies on this part of the happily ever after, because nothing prepares us to it
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