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Purplemelon44
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Default Mar 05, 2020 at 06:38 AM
  #1
Hi there, I'm totally new, never posted in any forum before! But I'm desperately trying to recover myself so here goes...

My husband and I have been together for 12 years years, married for almost 5. He tells me he wants to leave and can see a better life without me. However he hasnt left yet and says he doesnt know what he wants, hes still making plans with me and asking how I am. He's telling me he feels terrible.

Me - well I've had some kind of mental breakdown in the past few days, I am nauseous (vomited bile and retching), dry mouth, shaking, legs and arms feel tingly, heart racing, hot and cold, breath tight. I guess its panic attacks? But seriously this has been 3 days now. Has anyone else experienced this? I talked to counselling service and they believe this abandonment has triggered other truama in my childhood. Has anyone else been through something similar?

I dont know how to cope with this physical overwhelming symptoms.
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Smile Mar 05, 2020 at 03:15 PM
  #2
Hello Purplemelon: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. Two additional forums, here on PC, that may be of interest to you would be the Coping with Emotions forum & the Anxiety, Panic & Phobias forum. Here are links to these forums:

https://psychcentralforums.com/coping-with-emotions/

https://psychcentralforums.com/anxie...c-and-phobias/

And then here are links to a dozen articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help in putting this into perspective. Some of these articles are more applicable to your husband than you. However reading through them may, perhaps, give you some insight into what may be going on with him:

Is It Your Marriage or Your Depression?

Don't Let Depression Destroy Your Relationship

Recognizing Depression in Your Partner

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/welln...-is-depressed/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/tms/2...-is-different/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/depress...u-might-think/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/10-thi...le-depression/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/12-dep...dium=popular17

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-do-...anic-disorder/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/5-tips...-their-tracks/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/how-to-...panic-attacks/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/reduce...eep-breathing/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Mar 06, 2020 at 04:38 AM
  #3
Hi Skeezyks

Thanks so much for those links, I will read everything. You're quite insightful about the depression thing as I suspected this in my husband for a while before he blew up at me.

Thanks again
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Default Mar 11, 2020 at 07:33 PM
  #4
Welcome, Purplemelon44! I'm going through the aftermath of a divorce myself . My marriage was 33 years long. While I haven't had the exact physical reactions you have, I did have said what my therapist said was my first panic attack: I thought I was having a heart attack--which sounds pretty simple compared to what you're going through. The part that helped me was having a smart family doctor and smart therapist. My hope for you is that you have (or find) two talented individuals in these roles. If it's a panic attack, yes, it can change and dissipate. But it sure feels like it never will!
I wish for the best for you. There's lots of wisdom in these forums. I know they'll help you too.

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Default Mar 12, 2020 at 07:54 PM
  #5
Hi Purplemelon44, welcome to the forums. I know exactly the feelings you are talking about, as I was in a similar situation with my husband (now ex husband). We had been married for about 13 years when he said that he wanted a divorce, and I had never thought that was even a possibility--I assumed til death do us part really meant forever. I was so traumatized and so caught off guard by the whole thing that I was also nauseated and shaky and had so much anxiety I couldn't sleep and even kept him awake as well, for many nights. I think that it was just shock and grief and I didn't expect it or see it coming at all, so I just couldn't emotionally handle it, which translated to problems in my physical body. I just want to let you know, that regardless of the way your situation turns out, you will be ok. The hardest and worst part is in the beginning. But if you are not able to save your marriage, you will go through the process of grief and eventually, even though you are sad, you're not going to be distraught to the point where you can't really function well. I hope that helps at least a little bit, as I know that it seems like nothing will really help at all. I'm sorry that you are going through this situation and I hope that you feel at least functional soon.
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Default Mar 29, 2020 at 11:13 PM
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Your feelings are real. Divorce from another person when you are not in favor of divorce or have a value on your commitment can be horrible. I've had the same feelings and it wreaks havoc on you. The hardest part I found with Divorce vs having a spouse pass away is with divorce, no one comforts you or gives you sympathy and also there is so much more pain and emotions. I am sorry for your loss and your pain. I am here for you on this forum.
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Default Apr 03, 2020 at 01:10 PM
  #7
Thank you all for your kind words, it's been a struggle, we are hanging on but I dont feel it's going to work because hes not emotionally invested in it any more. Its terribly sad but dealing with this anxiety is actually the worst part of it right now. I almost want him to leave so I can start to move on from this place!
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 04:34 PM
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Default Apr 12, 2020 at 05:11 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Purplemelon44 View Post
...dealing with this anxiety is actually the worst part of it right now. I almost want him to leave so I can start to move on from this place!
Then, maybe you should start looking for a job and saving up enough for a down-payment on an apartment.

Because you said it, right up there: The anxiety is the worst part, and you need to move on.

So do that... on your terms. Don't wait to be the victim of his whim. (THAT is a great way to increase anxiety!) Recognize the truth in what you just said, and -- scary as it is -- start planning a future for yourself.



You can do this. You GOT this.
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Default Apr 14, 2020 at 06:59 AM
  #10
Hi PurpleRutabega

Thank you for your words of encouragement . We are separated now, my anxiety is so much better since I asked him to leave and I am looking to move forward. It's not easy, and some days are more difficult than others, but I am taking each day as it comes and focusing on myself and my future.

Thank you
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Default Apr 15, 2020 at 06:17 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Purplemelon44 View Post
We are separated now, my anxiety is so much better since I asked him to leave
Good for you.

Yeah, it's hard. Once I was on my own, I needed a lot of lightweight entertainment, to keep myself from falling into the dark places. Started watching "One Day at a Time" (the new one on Netflix, since I couldn't find the old one), because it was about a divorced single mom. (Surprisingly good show.) It helped, when I needed distraction.

But yes... moving on, and building your new life is the best thing you can do for your mental health.

Breathe, give yourself time. It's OK if there are bad days. It's OK if there are struggles. You'll get through them, one way or another, and come out the other side again. It's like recovering from surgery: Pain is part of the process, but the pain will become less, until you don't even think about it any more.
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