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Purplemelon44
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Default Apr 06, 2020 at 06:48 AM
  #1
Hi there!

I wanted to share my story, and I'm hoping to hear from other's in similar situations or who have tips to share.

My H left recently saying he needs some time and space to figure out if he wants to work at our relationship or if he thinks it's over for good. When I push him for this thoughts, he says things like the writings on the wall and he wishes he could be stronger to say what he really feels. So I am taking that he thinks it's over but just doesn't know how to say it or is too cowardly.

We were together for 14 years, since we were 18 yo! Married for almost 5. No kids though that was very much the next step which makes it all the more heartbreaking, I am so ready for kids in my life and now that's completely not an option for me anymore (and maybe never, I'm 32 now so time is ticking).

Part of the reason it all kicked off a few months ago was that my H said he did not want to have a baby to fix things in our relationship - he listed lots of small things - like I don't give him enough attention, affection, we don't have fun anymore, not enough sex, the recent house DIY was stressful, he never gets to make decisions, he always has to look after me and vice versa so is that all our relationship is? Even got to the points of that I don't look after myself and drink enough water etc! Which I thought was just petty.

I agreed that we have lost some spark and some attention in our relationship - that we focused on other things this past year and let a few things slide. I was willing to work on bringing those things back. He talked about not knowing who he was anymore too and wanting to find himself so I think part of it is that he is not happy in his own life.

All these things I think can be done carefully within our marriage and we can get back to happy individuals and happy together. But he's not listening, can't get rid of the negative thoughts about me, and doesn't want to work on things. So that's that, I can't do much more than I have other the past few months trying to make him see that it can work. I've given him time, space and listened to him, I've agreed to make changes (and he tells me how long will that last) and I've been patient with him.

He's left on a separation terms (still together) but I don't realistically think he'll miraculously change his views?! So I am seeing this as the start of the end. It's so heartbreaking and I've lost my best friend. It's hard to imagine untangling our lives at this point and it's hard as I can see he is hurting too but also that he's hurting me and I think I need to step away.

I posted before about my physical symptoms - I've been dealing with anxiety/panic attacks during this period and the physical sensations are the most difficult to deal with - vomiting, I can't hold much food down, shaking, trembling, feeling sick. There's obviously a lot of other anxieties that I am holding on to as well as this and I'm really trying to hang on as tight as I can and ride the wave.

Has anyone got any tips on dealing with the early stages of separation/divorce?

Thanks in advance xx
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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 11:44 AM
  #2
Dear Purplemelon44,

It is so utterly tragic and heartbreaking what you are going through ! You must be so overwhelmed by it all. Wish I had some wisdom to share but sadly I am at a loss. I did not handle the early stages of separation very well so I am really the last person on earth to offer you advice. I suffered so many of the things you describe when I went through something similar. My memories of the terrible panics attacks are still vivid after many, many years.

Do you have any friends you can lean on during this time? I hope you can lean on us here in the Forums for support and friendship. Do you think that seeing a therapist might help?

Something that helped me a lot was a book called "Positive Solitude." I don't remember the name of the woman who wrote this book but it helped me a lot. To be honest, I don't know how I could have got through without this book. I have no idea if this book would help you and perhaps there are better authors and books available. I can only share what helped me personally.

I wish I knew what to say that would help. Hopefully others will have something really helpful to offer.

Sincerely yours, -- Yao Wen
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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 06:34 PM
  #3
dear friend , i feel so sorry things are going on the direction you described , 14 years is a long time , you must feel a substantial amount of pain and you may also develop feelings of defeat , maybe some self-worthissues , dont worry its all normal , as i feel your pain because i know it .

on the other hand im not sure anyone is capable of helpfull advice in this matter because every break-up has its own circumstances and the story from the other person side also matters too much .

i had my fair share of break-ups in the past , i never broke up with anyone , they always break up with me regarding my destructive personality and my addiction and drinking habbits that i had in the past ( gambling was a problem for a while too )

with every break-up i always felt left behind and broken , and the need to tell someone sorry was overwhelming to a painful level , i used to feel that i need true hugs more than ever going through a break-up , and the only person i really want to hug is the only person who dont want to do anything with me , ironic ,right ? to need someone to ease the pain , knowing that the only person you want to open up to about it is the reason im in pain already .

i suggest you give it sometime , and since there is no kids i recommend you go out a little ,try new fods or maybe cook or paint , reading was always helpfull , i sometime go to AA meetings becasue it help to talk to someone ,i used to talk to family members but not about my break-ups , i just reach out to them and have a talk with someone i know loves me for who i am only family feels this way about us , and dont forget to try to reach out to your man while doing that , find away that wont push him away any further .

coming here posting about it was a good choice too , you may find plenty of help here , this community helped me through the hardest times of my life .and im so greatful .
i wish you best with all my heart , and wish if there was more i can do , i know being separated is painful .

take your time to heal and make up .

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Smile Apr 07, 2020 at 06:44 PM
  #4
I'm sorry you are faced with this prospect. You asked about tips for dealing with the early stages of separation & divorce. So here are links to 5 articles, from PC's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

9 Tips to Navigate Common Stages of Divorce

10 Divorce Precepts to Understand Before Filing | The Exhausted Woman

Extremities: The Pain and Promise of Divorce

Afraid of Divorce? 15 Reasons Not To Be

Key to Life After Divorce: A No-Fault Perspective


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Default Apr 07, 2020 at 06:58 PM
  #5
Sometimes in a situation like yours two people can form a relationship young and they actually both continue to develop because our brains don't fully mature until around age 25. Often what can happen is once the individual matures and gets involved in working and engaging more of the adult world, they may suddenly have an unfulfilled feeling they don't quite understand. It can be a strong desire to fly solo for a while before committing to a family life that will most definitely tie them down more.

Sometimes, sadly, a couple can actually grow out of their relationship or a partner may feel they have. You have been together from such a young age, sometimes a partner never got to experience real freedom and they begin to wonder what that might be like.
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Default Apr 08, 2020 at 06:44 AM
  #6
Thank you everyone, it really means a lot to have your replies and kind words.

I know it will just take me time and it's a personal journey. (I will try to find that book Yaowen!). Not least because I have to learn a life without this person who's been in it forever!

Today I actually feel sad but calm about it all because I really do think I tried my best and if that's not enough, then that's his perception. I don't want to be with someone who doesn't love me for flaws and all.

I have reached out to some family and friends, I was worried in the beginning to do this, as it felt shameful and they have known and loved him for so long too. But each one has been most supportive I just wish I could see them and get a physical hug during this pandemic.

I totally feel your pain WormholeWizard - I am trying to limit contact with him because there is a difference between needing comfort from the person you relied on before, and reconnecting together. I don't want him to use me for comfort and give me false hope so I'm trying to protect myself. But on the other hand you are right, I do need to stay in touch and not push him away further. How tricky!

I definitely agree with you Open Eyes because I feel for years he has had this feeling on lack of fulfilment in adult life, he rejects responsibility where he can and he has never done anything about finding fufullment (he's considered new hobbies, creative outlets, changing jobs but never actually done anything to go about them). I'm lucky that my career is my passion and I have tried to find a good work life balance.

Sorry if my tags for you all have not worked, I'm not really a poster on forums but am finding a great deal of comfort from you all - you're all amazing for sharing your stories, even though they are full of pain, they are also messages of hope and healing.

Much love
xx
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Confused May 11, 2020 at 08:42 AM
  #7
I feel your pain, my wife and I were together 25 years, 17 living together as an unmarried, committed couple then, 2 months before our 7th year of marriage, she announced she didn't love me and hasn't for a year and wanted to be free to go out with her friends, do what she wants when she wants, answer to no one and live alone. This happened 7 months ago in October. She did move out 16 days before our New Year's Eve wedding anniversary. I am still devastated and don't know how to process this. We were best friends and tackled so many things and succeeded in life together as a team. I have no real answers, just vague answers as to what happened. She recently told me when I asked her to help me understand so I can have some peace and be free from thinking about what's wrong with me and that I needed closure. Her response was as cold as ice and she said; it's not my job to give you closure. I don't know who this person is anymore. She is no longer kind, loving, wonderful, happy, or compassionate. To me at least anyway. It's an awful feeling to live with and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 02:43 PM
  #8
Hi Purplemelon44,

I just joined this forum, and came to your post. Just wanted to say that I feel your pain, and you are not alone. Three months ago, I separated from my partner of 9 years. I am 35, and wanted badly to start a family and have a child with him. We grew apart slowly over the last years, despite counselling, despite all efforts. It is a mutual decision, but it is still so heartbreaking. We both have lived expat lives in foreign countries and gone through situations where we had only each other.

I am sure if you want a child you will be able to have one. You are still young, and there are many ways to be a mother. I am still hoping to be one. I have so much to offer a child, I am sure you have too.

For now, let’s heal our hearts first 😊
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