My story so far - separation after a 14 year relationship no kids

Hi there!

I wanted to share my story, and I'm hoping to hear from other's in similar situations or who have tips to share.

My H left recently saying he needs some time and space to figure out if he wants to work at our relationship or if he thinks it's over for good. When I push him for this thoughts, he says things like the writings on the wall and he wishes he could be stronger to say what he really feels. So I am taking that he thinks it's over but just doesn't know how to say it or is too cowardly.

We were together for 14 years, since we were 18 yo! Married for almost 5. No kids though that was very much the next step which makes it all the more heartbreaking, I am so ready for kids in my life and now that's completely not an option for me anymore (and maybe never, I'm 32 now so time is ticking).

Part of the reason it all kicked off a few months ago was that my H said he did not want to have a baby to fix things in our relationship - he listed lots of small things - like I don't give him enough attention, affection, we don't have fun anymore, not enough sex, the recent house DIY was stressful, he never gets to make decisions, he always has to look after me and vice versa so is that all our relationship is? Even got to the points of that I don't look after myself and drink enough water etc! Which I thought was just petty.

I agreed that we have lost some spark and some attention in our relationship - that we focused on other things this past year and let a few things slide. I was willing to work on bringing those things back. He talked about not knowing who he was anymore too and wanting to find himself so I think part of it is that he is not happy in his own life.

All these things I think can be done carefully within our marriage and we can get back to happy individuals and happy together. But he's not listening, can't get rid of the negative thoughts about me, and doesn't want to work on things. So that's that, I can't do much more than I have other the past few months trying to make him see that it can work. I've given him time, space and listened to him, I've agreed to make changes (and he tells me how long will that last) and I've been patient with him.

He's left on a separation terms (still together) but I don't realistically think he'll miraculously change his views?! So I am seeing this as the start of the end. It's so heartbreaking and I've lost my best friend. It's hard to imagine untangling our lives at this point and it's hard as I can see he is hurting too but also that he's hurting me and I think I need to step away.

I posted before about my physical symptoms - I've been dealing with anxiety/panic attacks during this period and the physical sensations are the most difficult to deal with - vomiting, I can't hold much food down, shaking, trembling, feeling sick. There's obviously a lot of other anxieties that I am holding on to as well as this and I'm really trying to hang on as tight as I can and ride the wave.

Has anyone got any tips on dealing with the early stages of separation/divorce?

Thanks in advance xx