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dadof3plus1
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Default Apr 16, 2020 at 02:55 PM
  #1
Sorry for the long detailed situation...

My wife and I have been married for 14 years and have multiple children. I thought we were soulmates and she was my rock.

She ran into an ex-boyfriend from high school about a year ago. This past December she met him for lunch and to catch up. During that meeting she and him realized they was a strong connection between them (he has medical issues and so does she so definitely some connection with their situations). My wife said it was like a soulmate connection that she could not ignore. She continued to secretly meeting with him and talking to him via social apps so that I could not see what was going on. It did lead to her kissing him but that is as far as it went - I trust her on this detail.

At some point she realized this was all wrong and was working to try and close this out on her own and was having issues closing it. I discovered what was going on and called her out on it a month ago and she admitted to it all. It felt like a bomb went off in me and I reacted badly by making it all about me - my hurt and pain - and demanding that she cut off all communication if she valued our marriage. She has told me that she would be stupid to leave me and our family and she loves me very much. She was/is trying to figure out what caused these strong feelings and knows she needs therapy. She does feel that she needs to talk to this other man to figure out what is causing these feelings. I am not in favor of this as I think it will just cause more confusion - I have asked her to start therapy before she does this and ask her therapist for advice.

I am also finding that I am starting to distance myself from her as I am tired of feeling hurt. I want this thing closed out and want to move forward with our marriage but my patience is running out. She is stating she needs more time with the world situation right now. This other man does have a partner of 19+ years but not married and no children. My wife is in her mid 40's and does deal with depression and has a number of issues with her parents and childhood emotional issues and to be honest is going through a mid-life crisis.

I think this other man is just an infatuation and escape from reality and our problems. We are going to seek couples therapy and hopefully the therapist can do some individual therapy too. I will not give up on the marriage but scared I might try to protect my feelings and push her away.

Am I reacting the right way here? Any advice?
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Default Apr 17, 2020 at 05:21 AM
  #2
Hey @dadof3plus1:
Quote:
Originally Posted by dadof3plus1 View Post
She ran into an ex-boyfriend from high school about a year ago. This past December she met him for lunch and to catch up. During that meeting she and him realized they was a strong connection between them (he has medical issues and so does she so definitely some connection with their situations). My wife said it was like a soulmate connection that she could not ignore. She continued to secretly meeting with him and talking to him via social apps so that I could not see what was going on. It did lead to her kissing him but that is as far as it went - I trust her on this detail.
I am sorry if I am too cynical and I am not trying to be insensitive but this is wrong on so many levels. How do you know she just ran into him? Many times people start communicating with exes via social media or the internet and then they "run" into each other or meet up. I find it hard to believe that she never saw him or communicated with him after all this time and then abruptly ran into him, met him for lunch and instantly began an affair.
I also think its possible that more went on than kissing. It doesnt really matter if it was kissing, sexting, actual sex or whatever. Its an affair. Someone who secretly meets someone (essentially lying), is someone who could also act on their feelings and has already proven that they are willing to lie about the relationship.
Quote:

At some point she realized this was all wrong and was working to try and close this out on her own and was having issues closing it.
There should be no issue "closing it". The answer is end it and get into couples therapy if you want to save your marriage and trust her again. And now with televisits it may actually be easier to see someone because we are locked down and have more time.
Quote:
I discovered what was going on and called her out on it a month ago and she admitted to it all.
How did you discover it?

Quote:
It felt like a bomb went off in me and I reacted badly by making it all about me - my hurt and pain - and demanding that she cut off all communication if she valued our marriage.
Of course it felt like a bomb went off! Its terrible! You were making it about you because it IS about you. Your hurt and pain is valid because she cheated on you. And demanding she end it is perfectly reasonable and something she should have zero issues with if she loves you and wants to stay married to you.

Quote:
She has told me that she would be stupid to leave me and our family and she loves me very much. She was/is trying to figure out what caused these strong feelings and knows she needs therapy. She does feel that she needs to talk to this other man to figure out what is causing these feelings.
Nope. Absolutely not. I am not trying to be harsh but do not buy that story of needing to talk to this other man to work things out. There is nothing to work out. Especially if it was a situation of just running into him. If she thinks talking to him is going to help her figure stuff out then her priority is already not you. Who does this and then tells the person they cheated on that they need to talk to the person they cheated with in order to gain clarity. It doesnt make sense.

Quote:
I am not in favor of this as I think it will just cause more confusion - I have asked her to start therapy before she does this and ask her therapist for advice.
I am really struggling with why you are accepting her actions and behavior-and even considering the fact that she should talk to him but only after therapy. What is the therapist for? How would you even know what the therapist would recommend? She could say the therapist told her she should talk to this man, or see him or communicate with him and you would have no idea. And no, I do not think you should take her word for it.
Quote:
I am also finding that I am starting to distance myself from her as I am tired of feeling hurt. I want this thing closed out and want to move forward with our marriage but my patience is running out. She is stating she needs more time with the world situation right now.
Seriously? She is using covid as an excuse for not immediately ending this and blocking him? And its completely understandable that you would distance yourself. How old are your children?

Quote:
This other man does have a partner of 19+ years but not married and no children. My wife is in her mid 40's and does deal with depression and has a number of issues with her parents and childhood emotional issues and to be honest is going through a mid-life crisis.
Well this would also be poor judgment on her part because if he is cheating on his long term partner he could easily cheat on her if say- you got divorced and she stayed with him. She should never trust him.

Quote:
I think this other man is just an infatuation and escape from reality and our problems.
Infatuation is for teenagers. She is a grown woman who is cheating.

Quote:
We are going to seek couples therapy and hopefully the therapist can do some individual therapy too. I will not give up on the marriage but scared I might try to protect my feelings and push her away.

Am I reacting the right way here? Any advice?
I really think you need to get into therapy asap regardless of what she says she is doing, will do or should do. You need someone objective to tell you what to do. You need someone removed from the relationship to help you see the danger in the situation and you need someone who is helping you look after your own best interests. In fact I do not think you should think about marriage counseling or her individual counseling until you get your own. Do not let the pandemic dictate how things are going to play out. The good thing is you should be able to see someone soon because no one can go anywhere. I know I am passionate about this, and blunt and direct and I do not mean to be harsh. I am just...floored that she would want to handle things this way.

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Default Apr 17, 2020 at 06:52 AM
  #3
I am very sorry this is happening. Poster above summarized it nicely so I won’t repeat the same things. This is not accidental event but premeditated affair

Sadly your wife has an ongoing affair, not just emotional affair and not the one in the past, she refuses to stop an affair insisting she must continue “talking” to him to figure her feelings out. So she refuses to stop an affair. Her excuse of not stopping it is ludicrous: what’s going on the world or she needs more time? Please. Those are bogus reasons

This is completely unacceptable. I hope you aren’t having unprotected sex with her because it’s very dangerous.

She is cheating but you are afraid to push her away? And you are making it about yourself? Of course. Who else should you make it about? These two cheaters? Com’n now
I Recommend you see a therapist for yourself (you can find one online) tell them this story or even send them your entire post and see what they say.
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Smile Apr 17, 2020 at 03:57 PM
  #4
Hello dadof3plus1: Thank you for bringing your concern here to PC. I see this is your first post. So... welcome to Psych Central.

I see you've already received some detailed replies from other members. I doubt there is anything of value I could add to that. However here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, on the subject of emotional affairs. Some of these may be more applicable to your wife than they are to you. However, hopefully, they may still provide you with some insight into the situation & how to proceed:

What Everyone Should Know About Emotional Affairs

What if You Suspect Emotional Infidelity?

What Is An Emotional Affair

12 Ways To Recover from an Emotional Affair

5 Steps To End An Emotional Affair

https://psychcentral.com/lib/who-sai...affair-part-1/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/who-sai...affair-part-2/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Apr 17, 2020 at 04:04 PM
  #5
You have every right to be hurt. Regardless of whether actual sex occurred, your wife was having an emotional affair. She is making excuses for her behavior. Sorry to be blunt, but it kind of sounds to me like she wants to keep both you and her ex in her life. She doesn't want to leave you and the kids, but she is making excuses not to end it with him. I'm sorry, but that is very selfish on her part. She doesn't seem to be considering your feelings.

I'm really sorry you're in this situation. Whatever happens, remember you have the right to have feelings about her lying and cheating.
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Default Apr 17, 2020 at 08:12 PM
  #6
How would your wife feel if you ran into an old girlfriend and began having a secret relationship with her and even kissed her? Then talk about not being sure how to end it and you need more time to think about it.

Ask your wife about how she would feel.

My point is it’s wrong.
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Default Apr 18, 2020 at 12:11 PM
  #7
Goodluck with the whole thing. It sounds similar to my situation all I can say is take it one day at a time and make sure whatever decision you make you put in the effort.

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Default Apr 18, 2020 at 08:06 PM
  #8
You are correct in stating that your wife is trying to escape reality.

Being a wife and mother for some years is rough on many women, especially a woman who feels neglected by her husband - emotionally, physically. This is especially true if she was a woman who relied on her appearance and charm before she was married, before she had children.

Pointing fingers at anyone in the situation will result in deeper problems and, inevitably, more pain for everyone.

I'm so glad to hear that you're pursuing marriage therapy. It would be especially helpful if both you and your wife are in personal therapy, too. Both of you need to know why your wife feels that she needs to escape from the reality of her marriage to you - and how to heal the issues.

Best of luck to you and your family.

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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 11:25 AM
  #9
I am so sorry for your pain. Facebook and social media have destroyed many marriages and in my view is a horrible creation. When fb came along, my ex made a point to reconnect with everyone that she has ever known, and spent more time on fb with them than focusing on our marriage. I can honestly say that her addiction to fb helped destroy our marriage. She too was defensive about cutting off relationships on fb like yours. It takes great courage for you to go to marriage counseling and give her another chance. I am in therapy currently, which I started last summer. I wish I had started therapy years ago. I hope you find a good therapist on your own to go to in addition to marriage counseling. If you are a book reader, I have been reading a book which has been helpful, "love like you've never been hurt" by jentezen franklin. Even though he is a pastor writing the book, it is not religion shoved down your throat, but a book of real pain and how to deal with it. Maybe you can find comfort in the book too.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 02:02 PM
  #10
[QUOTE=wing;6823372]I’m struggling why this would be called an “emotional” affair! This is an old-fashioned affair with lying and cheating, and sorry, I’m in agreement that there is probably sex involved.

Her stopping the affair is the immediate, unarguable first step. I can’t believe she’d want continue to talk to the ex while expecting you to believe she doesn’t want your marriage to end.

There are two sides to every story, and marriage counseling is an absolute must if you two really want to get past this.
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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 11:09 PM
  #11
Thank you all for the replies. I trust my wife for many reasons. We have 4 kids and she knows where she needs to be but she needs to deal with her feelings and why she let this happen. She regrets all of this and just wants to get help to sort through it all. We have talked in great detail and these last few days. She just needs to get her head ready for therapy and not all this kid homeschooling stuff. She has given up the idea of contact with the other person. She sees that error now. She does claim to have a very deep love for me and she is sorry. So I have to try here and save the family. Thanks again.
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Default Apr 21, 2020 at 09:10 AM
  #12
I’m glad to hear you’re communicating. That’s a good start.
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