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lifeSTYD
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Default Apr 18, 2020 at 12:05 PM
  #1
This is going to be a long post. For those of you who read the whole thing thanks, and for those who don't, still thanks.
Ok to start I got married a week before I turned 22. I had known her for 4 months, she was 19 and hot!! Unfortunately I didn't realize she was also extremely controlling, verbally abusive and just mean. I was told by everyone who heard her yelling at me through the phone the first few months that I shouldn't take that kind of abuse and should divorce her then. I stuck it out because I have issues of my own.
Fast forward 19 years, we adopted 4 kids seven years ago that are a sibling group through foster care and all the problems I had with my wife when I married her are now directed at the children, to a lesser degree thank God, but still there.
About July of last year my wife started hanging out with an old co-worker. He is 20 years older than her and she started calling him Dad, they would go to his doctor appts together and developed a close relationship to the point where they were cuddling up on the couch when my oldest daughter gets home from school.
I called her out on the emotional affair it had turned into around Nov and had back surgery in Dec which meant I was home from work to watch this affair develop. She pulled farther away from me until I blew up and kicked her out of the house and told her I wanted a divorce. I let her come back the next day and we are currently in separate rooms.
My biggest concern is that she doesn't want a divorce and she insists on still acting like we are together. She is now putting in the effort for the marriage that she hasn't done in years.
I have self esteem issues that I have denied my whole life and I am trying to stay strong in ending this marriage because I think that is the only way to overcome my own problems and grow as a person and help my kids understand that they don't have to settle for the miserable relationship I have been demonstrating for them.
So if anyone has some ideas on how to handle this situation I would be most grateful. Thanks.

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Smile Apr 19, 2020 at 02:05 PM
  #2
I don't know as there is a lot I can offer with regard to the situation you describe. But I noticed you had yet to receive a reply to this thread. So I thought I would write one. Perhaps there will yet be other PC members who will have some thoughts they can offer.

One thing I was a bit confused about was you wrote your wife is now putting more effort into your marriage than she has done in years. Yet you want to end your marriage because you feel it's the only way you can overcome your own problems & grow as a person. It sort-of reminds me of some of the lyrics to the sad song "Send in the Clowns" if you happen to be familiar with it:

"Isn't it rich?
Are we a pair?
Me here at last on the ground,
You in mid-air,
Where are the clowns?"

Your wife at least appears, finally, to be willing to put effort into your marriage. But now you just want to put an end to it. I guess it wouldn't really be such a big deal except there are 4 kids involved. Personally my thinking would be that, if for nothing but the sake of the children, perhaps some individual therapy for you & your wife as well as some marriage counseling would be worth a try (assuming your wife is willing of course) before you "throw in the towel", so to speak. Yes, by divorcing your wife, perhaps you will discover a way to find yourself & grow as a person. But it's equally possible, I could imagine, you'll simply find yourself alone (either with or without the children) & find you're not any closer to really knowing yourself than you were when you were married. I don't know... it's just a thought.

Here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help with putting your situation into some perspective. I'm also including a link to Abe Kass's blog: "Surviving Infidelity" which you may find to be of interest:

Are You Ready For Divorce? 8 Questions You Should Answer

7 Reasons to Seek Marriage Counseling

When One Spouse Wants Out of the Marriage But the Other Doesn't

The Decision To Delay Divorce: 3 Ways Couples Delay The Inevitable

Want a Divorce? Stop the Emotional Yo-Yo and Be Clear About It

https://psychcentral.com/lib/kids-an...-tough-issues/

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/infidelity/

My best wishes to you & your family. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Apr 19, 2020 at 04:52 PM
  #3
I wrote a long reply and it inadvertently got deleted...so, I guess, a sign from the Universe for me to be short and succinct. No matter what you do your children are going to suffer. I am sorry to say this but it is true. NO KID FARES WELL WHEN THEIR PARENTS DIVORCE. The least you can do is to be good co-parents...and speak with respect about one another in front of your kids. This is hard and you will probably fail at it a bit. But the important thing is for your kids to see you trying. It is all truly hellish...but trying to maintain respect helps. That is respect for all involved, including yourself. This worked for me.

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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 10:11 AM
  #4
Thanks for the replies. I agree divorce sucks for the kids one way or another (my parents are divorced) I might be biased but I think divorce is a good thing in the right circumstances, including for the kids. I can also say therapy is a good thing and has pulled my marriage back from the edge more than once, but it's a cycle that I am done repeating. This isn't the first time my wife has had an emotional, or more, affair. I have always let them slide in the past, I know I could do it again and I would have a couple months of peace but I would be kidding myself. To top it off my wife has no intention of dropping her emotional affair she just wants both relationships.

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Default Apr 20, 2020 at 11:00 AM
  #5
So what is your original question? Or, maybe, I should ask, what is the question your heart wants to ask? My question would have been, will my kid be okay? But having yourself experienced divorced parents...I guess you know that answer.

Or maybe you want to know if you will be happier...but no one can tell you that. No one can tell you if your are doing the right thing.

I didn't want a divorce...but what would be the point of living with an unhappy person? Better to let them go.

That's all I have got. It isn't a clear subject for me to talk about.

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Default Apr 21, 2020 at 07:24 PM
  #6
Quick update. It's not an emotional affair. I had it confirmed by several emails that it is most definitely sexual in nature. I was initially confused about how she is acting like she didn't want a divorce and because of that I was reluctant to file the paperwork. That and I believed her when she said it wasn't physical. It is physical and emotional and it's continuing today, (she is currently on a business trip with him) all things considered my questions have been answered and I will be filing for divorce as soon as I can. Thanks for the help and I will continue to dig through the forums for helping my kids through this terrible time.

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Default Apr 29, 2020 at 12:12 AM
  #7
Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeSTYD View Post
This is going to be a long post. For those of you who read the whole thing thanks, and for those who don't, still thanks.
Ok to start I got married a week before I turned 22. I had known her for 4 months, she was 19 and hot!! Unfortunately I didn't realize she was also extremely controlling, verbally abusive and just mean. I was told by everyone who heard her yelling at me through the phone the first few months that I shouldn't take that kind of abuse and should divorce her then. I stuck it out because I have issues of my own.
First, your issues should not have made you feel like any kind of abuse was acceptable, especially when you had a support system trying to help you. You are NEVER to blame for someone else's behavior

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeSTYD View Post
Fast forward 19 years, we adopted 4 kids seven years ago that are a sibling group through foster care and all the problems I had with my wife when I married her are now directed at the children, to a lesser degree thank God, but still there.
The fact that she can even direct any abuse towards the children shows that she does not care who is effected as long as she gets her way.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeSTYD View Post
About July of last year my wife started hanging out with an old co-worker. He is 20 years older than her and she started calling him Dad, they would go to his doctor appts together and developed a close relationship to the point where they were cuddling up on the couch when my oldest daughter gets home from school.
Again, doing these things in front of the children AND you shows she had no regard for how anyone else would be affected. She brought a lover into YOUR FAMILY HOME and flaunted him in front of your whole family with no shame or remorse

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeSTYD View Post
I called her out on the emotional affair it had turned into around Nov and had back surgery in Dec which meant I was home from work to watch this affair develop. She pulled farther away from me until I blew up and kicked her out of the house and told her I wanted a divorce. I let her come back the next day and we are currently in separate rooms.
Telling her you want a divorce and then kicking her out was you standing up for yourself and your children. The fact that you let her come back, however, may have made her believe she could manipulate you somehow. This may be why she suddenly started acting like the charming wife.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeSTYD View Post
My biggest concern is that she doesn't want a divorce and she insists on still acting like we are together. She is now putting in the effort for the marriage that she hasn't done in years.
This is a technique used in MANY abusive relationships. It's called the CYCLE OF ABUSE. Her being nice to you is the "honeymoon" phase, where she will try to convince you that she can change, and things can change - but they won't. It's only stalling the inevitable and she knows it.

Divorce after 19 years

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeSTYD View Post
I have self esteem issues that I have denied my whole life and I am trying to stay strong in ending this marriage because I think that is the only way to overcome my own problems and grow as a person and help my kids understand that they don't have to settle for the miserable relationship I have been demonstrating for them.
It's not the only way to overcome your self esteem issues. You've suffered many years of degrading abuse, and now a blatant affair....but getting all that negativity out of your life is a good start.

Quote:
Originally Posted by lifeSTYD View Post
So if anyone has some ideas on how to handle this situation I would be most grateful. Thanks.
Focus only on your wellbeing and the wellbeing of your children. Do not acknowledge her or give in to anything she asks for. Do not give her anything in writing or recording, but only accept things from her in writing.

She will get upset, livid, possibly destructive. People like her will throw temper tantrums if they don't get their way.

Don't even acknowledge that. If she becomes destructive, violent, or threatening in an attempt to scare you into giving in, just step outside and call the police. If nothing else, you can still file a report for documentation purposes that you can use in court later.

And start lawyer shopping. This shows that you are completely serious and she can't control you or change your mind.

Taking control away from an abuser is the ultimate payback.

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Default May 18, 2020 at 02:17 PM
  #8
Hi there ~ I just wanted to check in to see how things are going. I am going through struggles in my own marriage. Similar to yours, I got married really young. We got engaged when we were 22. I've been married for 12 years. We have two little kids. My husband and I have been rocky and I've been dealing with abuse and emotional distancing. I unfortunately had an emotional affair with someone at work for several months before I broke it off for good. I told my husband about it after I broke it off. He was devastated. We are going through therapy but I think I want to do a trial separation. I'm thinking of possibly moving out for a few months to a year to give us a chance to breathe and heal. I'm going to present this to my husband tonight and discuss it in therapy tomorrow. I love my husband, but sometimes I think its better for the children to be in a healthy environment with parents separated than a toxic one. I want to show my kids what a loving relationship looks like. At the same time, I'm scared because I've invested so much into my current relationship. Since I'm on the fence, I think a trial separation will be best. My therapist recommended it and I think it is a good idea.

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Default May 18, 2020 at 05:41 PM
  #9
Blueskygirl,
I love the saying of Saint Augustine that you have in your post. So so true......
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Default May 27, 2020 at 02:19 PM
  #10
Thanks, Goforward

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