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schoo121
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Member Since: May 2020
Location: Minnesota
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Default May 09, 2020 at 11:46 AM
  #1
Hi there,

My wife and I recently got a divorce after a 10-year relationship (4-year marriage). We were high school sweethearts and started dating at 17. I am your prototypical hopeless romantic. From the moment I met her, I knew I'd spend the rest of my life with her.

About 9 months ago, I noticed a lot of questionable habits with a work friend. For about a month or so, I was trying ways to find out whether or not she was having an affair without being direct (didn't want to accuse her if I was just going nuts). We recently had been having arguments too with her feeling that I wasn't being supportive of her either when she was struggling mentally or if she felt unloved by my family. Most of the time, I wasn't aware that I had upset her until she would tell me months afterward. I'd be interested in how I could better myself and how we could work on communication skills so that neither of us felt hurt, as that was the last thing we wanted.

We were in an eggshells stage for about 2 months. I had become a people pleaser in life, which may have originated from my role in the relationship as the caretaker. We were preparing for a 10 day trip around Italy. On the third day of our Italian vacation, I discovered the truth (she was having an affair) by going through her phone. She had been so unusually protective over her phone, but I had an opportunity that day to look at it. I had to look. There were so many signs that I felt like I was going implode if I didn't. The rest of the trip was a mess of trying to somehow fake smile through it, trying to not do anything drastic, and trying my best to figure out what I should do next.

We had decided to go to therapy.

I have always been a lover of romantic films and also of Zach Braff movies. The movie The Last Kiss kept coming to my mind. When Zach's character has an affair he sleeps days on the porch to show how sorry he is. I so badly wanted to feel her love at this time. I wanted to feel like she realized it was a mistake and that she would do anything to make it work. I would never expect her to do anything, I just somehow wanted to feel like our relationship was important to her.

We only went to two therapy sessions. I felt like my voice wasn't heard at all in the first two therapy sessions. Through two sessions, the only part of the affair that was discussed was that it a) happened b) that I found out in Italy. The therapist didn't know who he was, any details about why, when, how c) that he was even a co-worker. The entire two sessions were primarily discussing, specific moments of communication where she felt I should have stood up for her and I didn't. Trying to show her I was invested, I tried to participate as much as possible and asked what I could do to be better.

Everything felt wrong though, it felt like everything was turning on me. I felt completely unwanted as a human being. I didn't want her to feel like she couldn't hang out with her new friends anymore (that included him) which allowed her to again see him and be romantic with him again.

She didn't seem like the person I fell in love with anymore. I felt like the only way for hope was if we got divorced. I felt that way because the only times when I felt like she wanted to stay in the marriage were moments when I found out she was seeing him. She seemed so scared but it never seemed like she wanted me. I felt that if we got a divorce that was the only way she would be able to know if she wanted to be with me (was to have me gone).

From the time I noticed the signs to the actual separation, I was suffering so much mentally and physically. I couldn't concentrate at work at all, I lost 10 lbs in a month (I'm 5"11 and 150lbs so I didn't even know that was possible...), I would get tightness in my chest, and my head felt like it was going to explode.

So, just over 9 months ago, I thought I was going to spend the rest of my life with this person and they were the best part of my day. In a matter of three months, I noticed the signs, found out about the affair, went to therapy, and separated. Another 3 months later, and we were divorced.

I have had one rebound relationship with my best friend's wife's best friend (who is a single mother). At first, I thought that I deserved to be happy and so did she. I realized that I wasn't ready emotionally.

I have daily conflicting thoughts. My ex-wife is still seeing her coworker, I am still in love with her (I feel like I lost my best friend), I bounce around with so many drastic ideas in my head of what I should do next, and I don't feel like I can trust my thoughts. I've never felt so lost not knowing what I want.

I do many things that don't help the situation. My ex and I still share an Amazon music account, and I'll try to speak to her through songs on the recently played list. She plays songs back but most of the time it feels like mixed messages with mostly it being like "I am free of you" type songs. It makes me question myself. My biggest fault is that I am too nice. Was it that bad to be with me or is she in some irrational place?

I feel like she is still in there, but I don't know if I'll ever see that old person. I know she is in a weird spot. She knows she likely can't be with him (she and I talked about this once) because she knows her family would never accept him and that is important to her. It feels like she is scared on the inside and that this is all a survival mode front to get through it all.

I have been driving by his house the last handful of weekend nights just to see if she is staying there (she has her own apt too). Most of the time she is. I don't know why I do it. Maybe it is part hope, part self-inflicted pain, and part a reminder of her choice.

The whole COVID situation makes everything worse. While solitude may be good to find me at this time, forced Isolation feels like an additional stressor. Talk about added uncertainty about my future.

I still have the house after the divorce. I need to get rid of it as it has become such emotional weight. I am trying to fly through DIY projects to get it ready for a sale (will take all summer) and at that point, I don't know if the housing market will even be good enough to sell. If I do sell, I don't know what I should even do. Should I move and start a new chapter? Could I even get a new job with how things are right now? Would moving mean me giving up on my ex-wife? Would I want that if it did? Could I ever feel the way about someone else the way I did with her? Could I move back to our small hometown knowing I would run into her family?

Today, I am at the point where I feel like I don't know who I am and what I want. It is even difficult to talk with friends and family because they all like me and are going to subtly push for me to make decisions that are a little selfish on their part (Family: would like me to move back home because they miss me, Best Friend/Wife: suffocate me a little with checking in to see how I am healing up with a side agenda to see if I would entertain returning to the rebound relationship).

I think I want to move away and start new, but I can't even do that now with everything going on.

And at the end of the day, the flood of emotions for my ex comes in full.

What a storm it is to weather. I'm the captain of my ship, only one on the crew, and I can't see where I am going.
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Thanks for this!
Skeezyks

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Smile May 10, 2020 at 01:49 PM
  #2
Thank you for sharing this most difficult situation with us here on PC. I see this is your first post. Welcome to Psych Central.

You didn't ask for any advice in your post (which is probably just as well in my case because I doubt I'd have much of anything worthwhile to offer.) However here are links to 6 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that talk about healing following divorce:

5 Helpful Ways to Cope With Post-Divorce Depression

How To Deal With Depression After Divorce: 5 Actionable Tips

7 Ways to Beat Depression After a Divorce

How to Grieve After Divorce

5 Simple Ways to Find Peace After a Divorce

https://psychcentral.com/blog/7-ways...dium=popular17

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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"I may be older but I am not wise / I'm still a child's grown-up disguise / and I never can tell you what you want to know / You will find out as you go." (from: "A Nightengale's Lullaby" - Julie Last)
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marycarmen
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Default Jun 17, 2020 at 06:35 AM
  #3
I felt exacly like you. The pain is simply overwelming at first, the confusion...It's like an upside down world. Everything we knew was wrong, and we did nothing to deserve that.
What can I say to ease your pain? It does get better. Being in love with a cheater is one of the most painfull things we can go through because it not only undermines our notion of self worth but also our hability to trust our judgment of people. I myself am struggling really hard to trust again. Not only people, but specially the way I analyse things. You should cut her off now. Think of her as a limb you had to amputate in order to survive. Focus on surviving, on learning how to survive without that limb. The rest will come to it's place, but it will take time. You are a good, decent human being and you wll have another shot at finding someone that not only loves you but deserves the love you have to give. You cannot believe these words for now, but have faith that although it hurts like hell, she is a limb you have to learn to live without, and life will be easier as it goes along. You will look at this moment in your life as the beginning of your liberation, in order to go where you where supposed to be.
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