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RJN725
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Default Jun 01, 2020 at 11:53 PM
  #1
I am new here but in searching the forums I have read heartbreaking and difficult stories from several of you. I am completely prepared to be flamed for this but I would like honest opinions from anyone on either side of a similar situation. I have been having an affair with a married man for the last 4 years. He is 58 with 2 grown kids and I am 40 and also married with 2 elementary age kids. We have been close friends for over 10 years but it really only became serious 4 years ago. Both of our spouses are aware but I don’t think either truly understands the severity. His wife has moved out and they have discussed divorce as have my husband and I but with there marriage exceeding 30 years and mine over 15 and kids and finances all mixed in nobody has made the first move. I cannot speak to his marriage but mine has never been “good enough” and I’ve always needed companionship my husband doesn’t wish to give or care to have himself. Now that he is angry with me he is verbally abusive to both myself and our children. I never believed in divorce but the cognitive dissonance is driving me crazy so I feel at this point I need to proceed and end the madness by divorcing as I am incapable and unwilling to walk away from this other man with whom I have found a long lasting friendship, intimate connection and head over heels love. How do I approach this with my husband, my lover, my children and legally? I have met with an attorney regarding my options but my husband and I have nothing agreed upon and I do not think he will be cooperative given the situation.
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Smile Jun 02, 2020 at 07:43 PM
  #2
Hello RJN: I'm sorry I don't think your concern is one I can really be of help with. (Hopefully there will be other PC members who will have some insights & information they can share.) However I noticed this is your first post here on PC. So I thought I would at least welcome you to Psych Central.

Here are links to 10 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that (hopefully) may be of some help:

Are You Ready For Divorce? 8 Questions You Should Answer

9 Tips to Navigate Common Stages of Divorce

10 Divorce Precepts to Understand Before Filing | The Exhausted Woman

The 40 Do's and Don'ts During a Divorce | The Exhausted Woman

5 Suggestions for Navigating a Contentious Divorce

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/divor...-make-it-real/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/kids-an...-tough-issues/

https://psychcentral.com/lib/when-on...-other-doesnt/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/want-a...dium=popular17

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/psych...ons-not-to-be/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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IceCreamKid
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Default Jun 02, 2020 at 10:00 PM
  #3
Quote:
Originally Posted by RJN725 View Post
I am new here but in searching the forums I have read heartbreaking and difficult stories from several of you. I am completely prepared to be flamed for this but I would like honest opinions from anyone on either side of a similar situation. I have been having an affair with a married man for the last 4 years. He is 58 with 2 grown kids and I am 40 and also married with 2 elementary age kids. We have been close friends for over 10 years but it really only became serious 4 years ago. Both of our spouses are aware but I don’t think either truly understands the severity. His wife has moved out and they have discussed divorce as have my husband and I but with there marriage exceeding 30 years and mine over 15 and kids and finances all mixed in nobody has made the first move. I cannot speak to his marriage but mine has never been “good enough” and I’ve always needed companionship my husband doesn’t wish to give or care to have himself. Now that he is angry with me he is verbally abusive to both myself and our children. I never believed in divorce but the cognitive dissonance is driving me crazy so I feel at this point I need to proceed and end the madness by divorcing as I am incapable and unwilling to walk away from this other man with whom I have found a long lasting friendship, intimate connection and head over heels love. How do I approach this with my husband, my lover, my children and legally? I have met with an attorney regarding my options but my husband and I have nothing agreed upon and I do not think he will be cooperative given the situation.
Welcome. No one here is supposed to be flaming anyone. I wonder if your husband would consider going to counseling with you--not to repair a marriage you no longer want--but to divorce in a way that would be the least painful to all involved, especially the children? Maybe you could iron some practical details and he could express whatever it is he is feeling and you could get some agreement that neither of you would take anything out on the children.
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Default Jun 04, 2020 at 11:13 PM
  #4
There is no pleasant or simple or non-miserable way to uncouple, esp. when there are kids involved, esp. when there has been an affair. My advice to you is to file for divorce, get a place to live, either with or without your boyfriend, and get on with your life. It is very unfair to the children to be put through this crap. And yes, I have been through something quite similar. Good luck to you.

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Default Jun 13, 2020 at 04:02 AM
  #5
What does this other married man say? What has he said about what his wife thinks?

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Default Jun 15, 2020 at 08:37 AM
  #6
"I never believed in divorce but the cognitive dissonance is driving me crazy"
What is driving you crazy is unhappiness...everybody likes to do right, to be the good guy, or girl...But sometimes even good people do nasty things. It's not good to hold an affair for 4 years. It means it's not just an affair, it's something more than that, something you should adress without bias like "I don't believe in divorce". Why don't you believe in divorce? You didn't believe it would ever happen to you, you don't believe it can be used as a solution, you are religious and it's a religious thing? Or is it that you believe that divorce is ok for others but not for you? If it's because you don't want to put your kids through it you must recognize that you already put them through something that might be even worst. Could you elaborate a little more on that?
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River31
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Default Jul 12, 2020 at 09:41 PM
  #7
I don't want to make you feel bad and regardless of which party you are in a situation like this, it is painful and hard on all sides. However--I sound exactly like your "boyfriend's" wife. In fact, it sounds so close to my own experience that is is scary. Here is what I would ask you to consider:
My husband's story about our relationship to his mistress, was not what I thought was happening at all. When I heard how he had described out relationship, and the things he had told her about me it was so far off of how he interacted with me and the day to day reality of our lives together, it was the Twilight Zone. He fictionalized and made up many imagined details to make it seem like I had been terrible and had driven him to cheat on me. What she thought about me and our relationship was just not the truth. Is your boyfriend's version one that lets him justify what he wants, or is it reality? Is your version of your marriage the reality you describe, or may you be looking for negative details in order to justify your behavior?
You say you love him but to go from the sneaking around and kind of taboo excitement you might be experiencing to having to clean up after him, drive him around, help him with technology, deal with his family, financial issues, and just regular life stuff often is not that much better than the relationship you are wanting to leave. We are basically ourselves in every relationship. Be careful.
If you do get together, both of you have acted in ways that will forever affect each other's children and that may be a huge source of tension as you move forward. I have three adult children and two of them refuse to have anything to do with my husband.
If he cheated on his wife? And he lied to her for this long, how can you trust what he says to you?

I have found that, sometimes when we are feeling bad about our relationship, we think moving to a new one will make us happy. This is not generally true and after a few months together, my husband's mistress dumped him. He wanted to come home and acted like a victim. It was hard, but I didn't let him. Now he has lost the trust and closeness of his family and the woman he put above everyone else.

My advice is, get out of an unhappy marriage but spend enough time with yourself that you choose a new healthy romantic situation once you know what you need.
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