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marycarmen
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Default Jun 15, 2020 at 06:48 AM
  #1
Hi
I was looking for a self help group online and I found this. I'm divorced for 4 years and I am starting to get my life back together but I still feel so bad about everything that surrounded my divorce that I can't help to think that this is quite abnormal. I married my second high school boyfriend and we wheretogether for 24 years when I decided to get out. It was a jump in the void, and I did it only because the suffering was unbearable. We had two kids, we were best friends and very close, but for five years things where going more and more complicated. He didn't have a job, he didn't look for one, when an offer came he didn't accept it and he was getting more and more difficuld to handle, always jumpy, dissatisfied. He didn't help around in the house chores either, and he has a pain in the *** with the kids, always nagging us about nearly everything. I endured it all because I could not bear the thought of divorcing him, selling our home and have that single mother life I supose all women dread...He had two affairs that last year we were married. I couldn't handle it any more, and he refused to acept that I wanted out. And that was it. We had like two years of awfull fights about everything, from furniture to how to divide the kids custody. A freaking nightmare. My best friend, my lifetime companion... It devastaded me, it still does.
How long will it hurt? How many years do I still have to endure this mistrust and this heartache?
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Default Jun 16, 2020 at 02:10 AM
  #2
Unfortunately there is no timetable for healing. Some people can be perfectly fine after 6 months and others still struggle after 6 years. I'm sorry you are hurting. Have you tried therapy to try to sort these feelings out and deal with them?

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marycarmen
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Default Jun 17, 2020 at 06:18 AM
  #3
I did, in the very beggining. I was hopping trust issues would get better as years went by but they didn't. I have a new partner for three years now, he is exactly what I asked for in all those years I was married to someone who dind't give a damn to what I needed or wanted...So it seems so unfair that I cannot devote myself to him as I did to my ex-husband. That I cannot but think that as good as this might be now, it means nothing and in the end everything ends. I just wish I could let go.
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Default Jun 18, 2020 at 09:37 AM
  #4
I sure wish I knew how long it hurts. I was only with my partner for five years. We weren't actually married, he just kept stringing me along all that time. But he was all I had and I was happy, until a series of unfortunate events showed that he wasn't what I thought he was. Now that's all gone. Just when I think I am getting over it, something random suddenly reminds me of the gaping hole in my life.

Have you looked into counselling? I know I'm thinking about it.
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Default Jul 27, 2020 at 06:34 AM
  #5
I’m so sorry it still hurts. Mine is still new-12 days-though we’ve been separated 5 yrs. prior to the separation, we’d been together 10yrs. All told, it was 15 years. We were supposedly working twd repairing damage and making things work....it still feels like the floor was ripped out from under me.
Did the hurt of it all dissipate any? Is there anything you’ve found helpful? Have you expressed any of this to your new partner-esp the fear of it all ending yet again?
I know I still have moments where it feels like the breath was suddenly sucked right out of my lungs. I even woke this morning remembering the feeling of his body next to me in bed and the realization that there’s someone else (he ended things by cheating on me & with a 21 yr meth addict he moved in with him after 1 month) with her head in that space on his chest. Waking up to feel that level of devastation makes it feel impossible to move forward. I truly hope the sadness goes away eventually. For ALL of us.
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Default Jul 30, 2020 at 12:25 AM
  #6
marycarmen, it sounds like you were together from such a young age and neither of you had a chance to know other people or explore your lives as an independent person. You ended up growing apart. He had affairs not because you were not good enough, but he somehow needed to have a sense of personal freedom, that was IN HIM and really was not about you or you not being good enough etc.

You probably do have some good memories with him, you were close too. Yet, you both were also young and as time passed you grew apart and he lost interest in being a grown up with responsiblities and did not want to work and be an adult. He missed earlier years of just being single and exploring so he developed a void you could not fix or fill. He simply got lost and resentful and probably depressed.

How old were the two of you when things went down hill?
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