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Thenewguy21
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Frown Jun 17, 2020 at 08:29 AM
  #1
My now wife and I have been together for 5 years... we are young. We got married right before we hit the 5 year mark and due to pandemic had to postpone the bigger wedding and settle for an elopement with friends. My wife has always struggled with expressing feelings and I’m a person that expresses them almost too much. We have had a constant libido battle and sex life has waxed and wained for a while but she was diagnosed with depression and is receiving treatment. About 3 weeks ago I made an error of judgement and since she was not expressing her feelings dove into her phone to see if she expressed them to friends. I was caught and thoroughly embarrassed lied about it. Fast forward to this Saturday and she tells me she is unhappy and doesn’t think the marriage is working. She states that I am unknowingly manipulative and controlling by the way I say things and that I am narcissistic and too money driven. She said she looked passed these flaws for years but she doesn’t know if she can any further. This is the first time I’ve been made aware that she feels this way and I believe our communication isn’t always the best. I believe that with a counselors help I can become more aware of how I say things to help her not feel these ways. Is this too much to ask? I don’t know if it will take long or be quick but I feel that our marriage deserves a chance to grow and get passed something before ending it. She is not the type to cheat and she even said I wasn’t worried about what you would find on my phone more about the fact that you did it and then lied to me about it. I just need to talk
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Smile Jun 17, 2020 at 04:18 PM
  #2
Hello Thenewguy: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central.

I'm not a mental health professional. However, based on what you wrote, it sounds to me as though marriage counseling would be a good step for the two of you to take (possibly some individual therapy for each of you as well.)

Here are links to 7 articles, from Psych Central's archives, that may be of interest:

9 Steps to Better Communication Today

7 Reasons to Seek Marriage Counseling

Top 10 Underpublicized Reasons to Seek Couples Counseling

Top Reasons Couples Fall Out of Love

4 Warning Signs Marriage Therapists Use to Predict Divorce

https://blogs.psychcentral.com/your-...omment-page-1/

https://psychcentral.com/blog/3-skil...-benefit-from/

I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Jun 18, 2020 at 03:47 AM
  #3
Yes definitely counseling would help. If she means what she said its not a good sign and if she doesnt then she was trying to hurt you which is also not a good sign.

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Default Jun 18, 2020 at 10:41 AM
  #4
Do you love her? If you do, then why? I can relate to some of the things you said, but first of all, you have to question yourself about how do you feel about her. You managed to describe the situation quite well, but I could not understand why it is hard for you to end this relashionship. You say you are good at expressing your feelings but you expressed being unsatisfied with the sex you have, said she has been depressed but you don't wonder why... What can she be missing? Do you listen to her needs and wishes?
Going to counseling is always good but it will be a waste of money if you don't really think you will loose something valuable if she goes away, and in you description of the problem that was the one thing I could not understand.
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Thenewguy21
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Default Jun 19, 2020 at 08:08 AM
  #5
I know I love her because I miss having her lying there with me in bed, I miss seeing her the moment I get home, I miss the connection we have to talk and spend time doing nothing. She is tenacious, spunky, reckless, loving, beautiful and most of all caring. I see her as the mother to my children, the person I want to sit on the catch with coffee on Christmas. I’m a very mental person meaning I overthink and I have major automatic negative thinking problems. I struggle to say what I mean and that causes misperceptions of what I’m trying to say. I don’t want to hold her against her will. I would do anything to keep her in my life and work through this!
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Default Jun 24, 2020 at 06:34 AM
  #6
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thenewguy21 View Post
I know I love her because I miss having her lying there with me in bed, I miss seeing her the moment I get home, I miss the connection we have to talk and spend time doing nothing. She is tenacious, spunky, reckless, loving, beautiful and most of all caring. I see her as the mother to my children, the person I want to sit on the catch with coffee on Christmas. I’m a very mental person meaning I overthink and I have major automatic negative thinking problems. I struggle to say what I mean and that causes misperceptions of what I’m trying to say. I don’t want to hold her against her will. I would do anything to keep her in my life and work through this!
Go ahead and fight for her then...
Therapy. I wish you all the luck
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Default Jun 29, 2020 at 01:35 PM
  #7
Therapy for you to try to address some of her concerns would show her you are serious about those. Therapy for you two could helc ommunication and relational dynamics.

That said, I have personally had the experience of going to couples' therapy with a wife who actually was just there as a big show. She really did not want things to improve, she just wanted to be able to say she tried, even though she most certainly did not. She was just full of sh**. She had already made up her mind and stolen $50K from me in anticipation of her departure--months earlier. Total deception. Complete bit**.

So, were I to do it over again, rather than tipoeing around her terriified of running her off, I would be incredibly blunt and direct and basically in her face about it. It is much, much better for you to kjow right now exactly what she intends. If she is leaving, nothing you do will stop that. And if she feels that way, trust me, you don't want her and you def don't need her. You deserve and will find someone who cherishes you for who you are and is willing to work with you, together, as you solve problems and move forward. That is what a rela relationship is.

Stay strong. But find out what is really going on. Be blunt. Be direct. Be forceful. Being sweet is not going to keep her from leaving if hse has decided to do that.

Hugs and support!!

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Default Jul 31, 2020 at 10:40 PM
  #8
If you can convince her to go to therapy, that would be great. It sounds like you have more of a miscommunication problem than anything else. I almost cried a little bit at how you wrote you felt about her. Make sure she knows it constantly. Every day is not too often. It makes people feel reassured about their love. You don't have to smother to be expressive, there is a balance. Lots of love and hugs to you both.
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