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passivezero
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Default Jun 18, 2020 at 01:55 PM
  #1
I need some guidance, if anyone has any suggestions.

Some background: my partner and I have been married almost 6 years. For the past 1.5 years I've been feeling like I am not in love with him. I found a therapist who I get along with very well. This past Feb, I sat down with my partner and told him about my feelings. That I am not in love with him, but I still have love for him. I have to, we created a life together - our 4 year old son.

He was understandably upset. He wanted to do couple's counseling. I didn't want to leave right away because I wanted my son to know that I tried everything I could, and even then I was confused and afraid.

Then the lock down hit and I have been stuck in a house with him for three months.

He has been acting like nothing has changed. He acts like our marriage is fine, life is roses. He has tried to kiss me, grope me, and even tries to initiate while we sleep. I've turned him away each time. These don't feel like the actions of someone who understands that their partner is not in love with them.

My therapist says it could be a coping mechanism. He also tells me not to make a decision, to ride it out for now. I will ask him at our next session how long I'm supposed to just wait. It's really affecting me - my stress level, my sleep. I think about this all the time.

Any outside perspective would be greatly appreciated. I know this is a watered-down version of the whole story, so I can answer clarifying questions. I'm just more confused now than I was.

Thank you.

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Default Jun 18, 2020 at 11:30 PM
  #2
Well, a very difficult situation, passive, for sure, and one I have been on your husband's side of. For context, I was married for 15 years and then, in an unmarried parnership for another fairly long time.

When my wife started treating me badly, I should have left. Really wish I had. But we had a child and I wished to make it work. So, I put up with a lot of abuse for years. Finally, I decided to leave. Then, as I was planning my exit, she apologized and begged me to stay. I did, then, she started in with her old ways again.

Having been in your H's shoes, he is likely hoping this is some kind of temporary phase. The best thing you can do for him and for you is to be very direct with him. You do not want to live with him anymore. Period. You are leaving, at such and such time. The end. There is no possible way to do this and not devastate him, so don't even try. He may be very angry with you. He may become depressed. It is just what happens.

I am 56 now and have had a reasonable number of women whom I clearly have loved. What I have concluded from all this is that I actually do not know what the phrase "...in love..." means. To me, it refers to the drug-induced state couples experience when they are in earlyish days. This is temporary and compleely irrational and is, from a brain perspective, essentially, a drug. To my knowledge, it is not possible for the human brain to keep this up over the long haul. So, we are left with "love," whatever exactly that is. Just my take.

Do what you have to do. It will be very hard and very painful. But you will get through it and so will he. Your child is the one to worry about, in my experience.

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