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PinkandBlue
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Default Jun 19, 2020 at 07:36 PM
  #1
We are older and my stbx has a number of issues. We are trying to save the marriage but I suspect we will end up in divorce. I really don't think my stbx is going to try very hard with this marriage counselor.

At any rate my stbx's MO is to be controlling and manipulative. He has picked a marriage counselor that he agrees to go to. He wrote to the marriage counselor to say that that his first wife cheated on him, and his second most loved angel and saint of the earth wife died. (This is his attempt to come across as a tragic figure and elicit sympathy and support from the therapist).

He then went on to say that he has done a lot of introspection and he realizes that his biggest problem is that he doesn't listen to what his wife wants him to be. (So this is his attempt at giving the therapist a the diagnosis that my stbx wants, so he has little to no work to do).

We have not even hired this marriage counselor yet. We are just at the point of asking if he covers our insurance. So this email is more than precipitous.

A friend has told me that this was done. And the friend said that the only thing my stbx said was that the therapist thanked him for the email.

Would you feel comfortable going to a therapist that accepts this type of email before even meeting both parties? I'm very concerned that this therapist might be easily manipulated by my stbx.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.
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Default Jun 19, 2020 at 09:35 PM
  #2
If the therapist is so easily fooled, it isnt indicated just by "accepting" an email. Your h sounds overly dramatic.
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Default Jun 19, 2020 at 09:54 PM
  #3
I agree that this response reveals nothing about the therapist.

If things move along such that you actually meet with him, you will be able to judge for yourself.

Remember that marriage counselors are well aware that one party might try to sabotage the process, lay all the blame on the other, try to make themselves look unreasonably good, not attend in good faith, etc.
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Default Jun 20, 2020 at 01:52 AM
  #4
I think marriage counselors, like judges and divorce lawyers and court officers, have seen every conceivable combination of varieties of truth or untruth and examples of bad and good behavior. The fact that your husband already wrote to the counselor even before the first visit sounds to me (and possibly to the counselor) a red flag: a sign of a controlling and manipulative person.

As an aside, my understanding is that “stbx” means “soon-to-be-ex”—are you keen to have the counseling help with your marriage or are you sort of done and want out?
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Default Jun 20, 2020 at 08:41 AM
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Originally Posted by MrMoose View Post
I think marriage counselors, like judges and divorce lawyers and court officers, have seen every conceivable combination of varieties of truth or untruth and examples of bad and good behavior. The fact that your husband already wrote to the counselor even before the first visit sounds to me (and possibly to the counselor) a red flag: a sign of a controlling and manipulative person.

As an aside, my understanding is that “stbx” means “soon-to-be-ex”—are you keen to have the counseling help with your marriage or are you sort of done and want out?
It is a reflection of the fact that I expect there to be a divorce whether or not I try. My husband has a lot of issues and I don't believe he is willing to put any effort into this as he believes everything is my fault.. I also suspect he is listening to someone who is fanning this discontent. -- which is a habit of his -- but I can't prove it.
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Default Jun 20, 2020 at 03:10 PM
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It is a reflection of the fact that I expect there to be a divorce whether or not I try. My husband has a lot of issues and I don't believe he is willing to put any effort into this as he believes everything is my fault.. I also suspect he is listening to someone who is fanning this discontent. -- which is a habit of his -- but I can't prove it.
Why would you want to keep this guy?
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 10:48 AM
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PinkandBlue how did your first marriage counseling session go with your husband?
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 08:06 PM
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Hi Motts, how are you doing?

The marriage counseling was interesting. I think my husband is figuring out that the doctor is going to hold him accountable for his actions too. I also think the doctor isn't saying so, but I doubt he gives us much of a chance... although that could just be because I feel that way. I told the doctor about how my husband throws me under the bus and gave him specific examples. I was surprised that the doctor didn't tell stbx that these are abusive behaviors and should not be done by a husband to his wife. Instead the doctor said that my husband must act remorseful for these behaviors so that I will be able to let go of the anger they inspire. WTF?!

The doctor told me that I have to make my statements sound like I am expressing my feelings and not sound defensive. So, if your husband did painful and harmful things to you, would you sound angry and defensive?

This doctor reminds me of Mr. Rodgers. His tone was very modulated. I also thought his approach was way too simplified for what is going on between my husband and me. My husband wasn't sure this was going to work either. Our homework for the next 3 weeks is to say good morning to each other in the morning and good night in the evening. This is supposed to build our friendship.

What have you been up to?
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 09:24 PM
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Hi PinkandBlue,

Wow. I'm sorry your first marriage counseling session went so poorly. Your counselor, Mr. Rodgers, doesn't sound very connected to reality if he didn't call out your husband's abusive behaviors to you as well, abusive. The whole point of group therapy is to be held accountable for our behaviors with each other. That's why my family therapy session with my mother and siblings didn't last more than 6 sessions; they didn't like it when the family therapist called out their behavior to them in context to how it made me feel. So, they all quit and the therapy was forced to end, so our toxic family system has never been repaired.

I'm not sure why Mr. Rodgers thought to bring attention to your communication style, yet didn't do that for your husband. That isn't very fair in my eyes. It sounds like a waste of time to force you and your husband to acknowledge each other every morning and every evening in a formal, repressed way. Hmmm. Not sure about this marriage counselor. Sounds stodgy, this Mr. Rodgers. I hope it helps though -- the daily morning/evening greetings with your husband. And I hope the second therapy session goes better.

Oh, I emailed my dislocated workers supervisor to ask that he remove me from the program as a client, as my employment counselor has not helped me find a job. I've lost total faith in county programs as a result. Yuck. I wrote a rant/thread about it in the work forum.
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Default Jul 08, 2020 at 09:41 PM
  #10
Did you tell therapist about things you find like condoms and lubricants and that he is secretive all of a sudden with his phone and wants to dig in your finances?

Going by other thread of yours he is cheating and planning on leaving and perhaps taking advantage of your money.

At this point I am not sure if therapist is the one you need to see. I think lawyer is needed here
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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 07:41 AM
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Did you tell therapist about things you find like condoms and lubricants and that he is secretive all of a sudden with his phone and wants to dig in your finances?

Going by other thread of yours he is cheating and planning on leaving and perhaps taking advantage of your money.

At this point I am not sure if therapist is the one you need to see. I think lawyer is needed here
Divine, I was not able to get specific in the session. I did tell the doctor in my list of grievances that my husband is cheating. The doctor did not ask for details and did not address my concerns. My stbx also mentioned that I believe he is cheating but told the doctor he isn't cheating. My stbx is a liar, he never tells the truth, so I tend to believe the opposite of what he says.

I had started to call around for lawyers, but I put it aside for the therapy. I have locked my file cabinets, changed my phone and computer password, and will begin calling around for an attorney again.
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Default Jul 09, 2020 at 08:37 AM
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Good job. Be proactive
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Default Jul 10, 2020 at 12:17 PM
  #13
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Originally Posted by PinkandBlue View Post
We are older and my stbx has a number of issues. We are trying to save the marriage but I suspect we will end up in divorce. I really don't think my stbx is going to try very hard with this marriage counselor.

At any rate my stbx's MO is to be controlling and manipulative. He has picked a marriage counselor that he agrees to go to. He wrote to the marriage counselor to say that that his first wife cheated on him, and his second most loved angel and saint of the earth wife died. (This is his attempt to come across as a tragic figure and elicit sympathy and support from the therapist).

He then went on to say that he has done a lot of introspection and he realizes that his biggest problem is that he doesn't listen to what his wife wants him to be. (So this is his attempt at giving the therapist a the diagnosis that my stbx wants, so he has little to no work to do).

We have not even hired this marriage counselor yet. We are just at the point of asking if he covers our insurance. So this email is more than precipitous.

A friend has told me that this was done. And the friend said that the only thing my stbx said was that the therapist thanked him for the email.

Would you feel comfortable going to a therapist that accepts this type of email before even meeting both parties? I'm very concerned that this therapist might be easily manipulated by my stbx.

Your thoughts would be appreciated.
To be honest, I would be more wary of my own husband's immediate and initial attempts to manipulate the therapist and the therapy sessions.

I think it's most concerning and does not bode well for fair and equitable therapy sessions together.

In a prior thread, you said he is cheating.

May I ask why you wish to save this marriage? Are you afraid to be alone? Are you worried that you cannot find someone else? Your husband sounds like an a-hole whom should be dumped.

I would be most upset if my husband 1) were cheating (and I would dump him immediately for this alone) and 2) if he tried to manipulate the therapist from the outset.

So why are you holding on? Or are you sincere about pursuing divorce and finding a lawyer?

And sorry for my blunt/honest/straightforward manner. It's just my style to be very honest and upfront. I do feel for you.... it's not a fun process..... I was about to divorce my husband earlier this week and now am going to attend therapy with him instead. But back to you, I don't like how your husband emailed the therapist with all these details -- not one bit.

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