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Legendary Wise Elder
Member Since Dec 2014
Location: US
Posts: 22,369
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#21
I’d say yes with two people there are two incomes. But there are also double the expenses. My husband and I make the same amount. When I lived alone, I used that amount on one person. Now when we are married we use double that amount but on two people. Our financial situation is the same as it was when both of us were single.
Unless you marry a very rich person or you yourself have no income at all, having a husband isn’t going to make you more financially secure. I am happily married and we are there for each other but we aren’t more wealthy by having two incomes. Now as about being there for procedures. Sure we are there for each other but it’s extremely important to have circle of supportive people besides just having a spouse. It’s extremely concerning that you have no one to take you. No good friends? Sure my husband takes me to procedures but what if he is sick that day? Now with pandemics he wouldn’t be allowed inside the hospital. So I can’t have surgery done because my husband is sick? You have to find people to rely on in emergency. I absolutely agree that good marriage is a desirable thing. But honestly I never thought to marry for financial security or for having someone to take care of me. I wonder if it’s the root of the issue here. When looking for a partner, what qualities are you looking? Were you enjoying your husbands company? Was he your best friend? Did you have emotional closeness? Did you have fun together? |
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MrMoose
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Member Since Jul 2020
Location: Portland, Maine
Posts: 5
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#22
Hi - I am also "older" and embarking on divorce. I was married 27 years, but felt lonely and isolated while married. I finally decided that I'd rather feel lonely being alone than endure the hurtfulness of feeling lonely while married. People have second chances at love all the time, and more and more people are getting divorced and remarried in their 50s, 60s and even 70s. Don't give up!! Keep offering hope to yourself and remind yourself daily of your beautiful qualities, inside and out. When you love yourself, you create space for someone else to love you too.
Ending a relationship is never easy, and I think we assume that if we've made it past a certain number of years that we're "home free." But a bad relationship is not healthy, no matter what your age is. Maybe you can join groups that do things that you enjoy, like hiking, nature walks, knitting or other craft work, singing, etc. Whatever you enjoy, just go do it. I know it's difficult with the pandemic right now, but maybe start looking for online groups or find things to join up with when this is over. In the meantime, take really good care of yourself!! We'll all get through this : ) |
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MrMoose
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Member Since Nov 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 190
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#23
Ironically, one of the reasons I wanted to get divorced is because I was heading to retirement (I’m almost 60) and the abuse was just getting worse and worse. I imagined living in a too-expensive apartment in Florida and having my wife throw me out of the house every couple of weeks when she was in a rage. No thanks!
Two incomes? My wife spent four incomes. Again, heading into retirement age with a mountain of debt and we’d never be able to retire anyway. Not a lot of security in that. At least the collection agencies have stopped calling me and my credit rating is getting healthier again. It was nice to go on so many nice vacations but we really couldn’t afford it. Sure, it’s lonely, but I can now speak to, and make plans with, friends and family without having my wife scream at me about it. It’s so much better to be free than to have the kind of conpanionship that leaves you isolated and fearful in your own home. What kind of life is that? |
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Member
Member Since Jun 2020
Location: in a house
Posts: 25
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#24
Hi Mr. Moose. I am very sorry you had to deal with that. I also don't want the kind of companionship where I have to worry every day about what abusive, sneaky, stab-me-in-the-back type of behavior I am going to have to deal with today. I don't want to have to gird myself for the next nasty, malicious things he will say. And, I especially don't like going through marriage counseling when he lies, refuses to accept any responsibility for his actions, and really only wants a divorce and to do this for show. So, I understand what you are saying and the logic of the situation... but my emotions still don't want me to be alone in old age.
I'm thinking it will just take some time for me to get used to the idea that my future is going to be very different than what I have been working toward. Dreams die hard. |
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MrMoose
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Member Since Nov 2015
Location: New York
Posts: 190
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#25
I hear you about letting go of that dream! I think most folks go into a partnership with the idea of building a dream and working toward it together. A beautiful dream is hard for anyone to let go. For me it was a picture full of love and joy and wondrous hope. But the love and security evaporated into chaos and fear. It took me several years to let go of that dream even as it slipped away. The breaking point was when child protective services opened a case against my wife for her physical and mental abuse of our younger daughter. Impossible to hang onto any dream after that. And now, freedom. Sometimes unwelcome, but freedom. I hope you find a way to have freedom.
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