The Sneakiness

It gets worse and worse daily. I'm not really sure if it is a result of his eating disorder (restrictive calorie intake) which has been going on for 2 years now, or if it is just that he is a nasty person. I really don't know him any more. He has been going through my files. We've been married for 11 years and he never cared... but suddenly he needs to know where my money is, how much I am worth... things like that.

We've had separate finances this whole time and we have an anti-nuputal so there really is not reason for him to be prying into these things. Also he told me that he changed his password for his phone and computer. We've always been able to get into each other's phone and computer because really, there shouldn't be... and never has been... anything on our media that the other can't see.

But I found a store receipt that shows he bought KY jelly and condoms. We haven't had sexual relations in months, and he always claims that he can't feel anything through them so has refused to wear them. Why did he buy these things? I won't tell you the stupid answer he gave me.

I asked if he is having an affair but he denied it. Many months ago I found a bobby pin in his car. It wasn't mine.

My gut is just screaming that he has a lot of secret stuff going on and this marriage counseling is just for show on his part. I no longer feel any trust for him. I feel active distrust. I suspect divorce is around the corner, because at this point I don't even want to know him.

Yeah sadly he is cheating. Or planning to. I’d start planning my exit. I am sorry, you deserve better

He is either already cheating or is planning on it and there is little you can do about it. He has been looking for what he can get from you when he exits too. Change in behavior typically means deceit of some kind, a plan of exit it brewing.

Well, he has been looking for a place to rent. He's been speaking with realtors, too. But, I think he doesn't want to have to afford a house on his own.

It is very sad that after 11 years of marriage he has to act like this. He is such a coward that he cannot be honest.

I really feel your disappointment at his dishonesty. My husband of 33 year left two months ago--10 years ago I caught him in an online relationship, told him we could only stay together if we went to counselling. Once there, he lied--same as yours. This spring I found out he had never stopped the relationship with this woman and that it had become physical for more than half.

When I told him that the lying and deceit were really the most painful part of going through this, he said (and I quote). "I was not lying. I had to keep this secret for my own mental sanity."

What does that even mean????

I understand how sad you must feel and I agree, this kind of lying is cowardice. How are you taking care of yourself during all of this? I have been reading, walking, journaling, and meditating.

Hi River31, thank you for posting. I am truly sorry that you are going through this too. I'm really not sure what is wrong with humans. I have lost all faith in them. Don't even try to decipher what your stbx meant, it is just more nonsense and avoiding a real answer.

I am learning not to ask questions, because I get no answers, or the answers are lies, or the answers are avoiding the question. Really, I know what I have to do and I am doing the best I can to make this road as easy on myself as I can.

To take care of myself I have been journaling on this website. I have been going into work Monday through Friday, and that keeps my mind off of things and allows me a little respite from the grief. I have been doing my research. I have been cleaning and cooking for myself. I have been trying to envision what this next chapter of my life will be like, looking for the positives so I can make it the best life possible. I have contacted a therapist for myself to help me deal with all that is on my plate.

I am trying to be honest with myself and avoid any denial -- which is part of the grief process. I know what is ahead and the sooner I reach acceptance the better off I will be.

Be kind to yourself. Feel free to stay in contact. It is good to have online friends who understand.

PinkandBlue--this was exactly what I needed to hear this morning. I have told my kids that I am taking the next year to get myself healed. They all told me that it was about time that I think and myself and take care of myself as much as I do everyone else. Funny, but it is easier for me to have compassion and love for other than for me.

Keeping occupied and moving forward is pretty easy in the physical sense--walking, writing, knitting, projects around the house, my garden. Where I am really struggling is figuring our a way to keep the thought of my husband and this other woman out of my head. I have tried singing songs and playing music when random thoughts happen and I am also trying a breathing technique to let the thoughts go.

Any ideas? Thank you for sharing--I was wondering if this forum was a good place for me and you made me feel like I do have some kindred spirits here.

Hi River31, I do a lot of talking to myself. I try to remind myself that my boundaries are to take care of me. His boundaries are to take care of him. It is not my business what he does. I have enough to do to make sure that I am OK. I also remember all the things he has done to me that are abusive, all the lies he has told, the qualities about him that I won't miss. I try not to paint him as better than he was, and I try to keep in mind that what I miss about the relationship is not really the same as missing the person.

I hope you will have a good day tomorrow.