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Vegansphynx
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Default Jul 18, 2020 at 04:23 AM
  #1
Hi. I’m new here. After 15 years of standing by my bi-polar, substance addicted husband I am filing for divorce. We have been separated for a couple of years In the hopes that he would get and stay sober and trying to work things out. However, he kept relapsing, promising to go to therapy and not following through. Then I found out yesterday that despite maintaining that he loves me and wants us to be together, he’s been cheating on me with a 21 year old meth addict. He’s twice her age! And in the space of 2 months, she’s moved in with him and they’re in a relationship. I stood by him for 15 years, yet he lied to me repeatedly and didn’t have the decency to just end things. Instead he goes behind my back and does this while still telling me he loves me. Despite how disgusted I am, and how relieved I know I should be to finally be done with the lies, gaslighting, and abuse, I can’t help but feel incredibly lonely. I keep looking at my phone hoping for a call to know that I matter-that everything we had didn’t just vanish in the space of a day and then being bombarded by the sickening realization that he’s not calling because he’s lying in bed next to her. Every time I close my eyes I can see them together and I feel sick. I don’t want to think about them in that way, but my brain won’t shut off. When I finally do sleep, I’ve been jolted awake by those images and the gut wrenching realization that I’m suddenly nothing to him. I can’t sleep or function at all really because I’m heartbroken. But he’s cuddled up with his new girlfriend and I’m not even a passing thought. How does someone do that? Tell you they love you more than anything for years and years and then turn around and do this? Just erase you, trade you in...when even the night before this came to light he was texting that he loves me? Will I ever find peace again?
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Smile Jul 21, 2020 at 09:08 AM
  #2
Hello Vegansphynx: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.

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Default Jul 21, 2020 at 09:36 AM
  #3
Just leave the ****, he's just a sycophant junkie, you'l always come second to the drugs. Be brave and move on !
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Default Jul 21, 2020 at 10:22 AM
  #4
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Just leave the ****, he's just a sycophant junkie, you'l always come second to the drugs. Be brave and move on !
I am leaving him. I made the mistake of calling one last time to get answers and though he picked up the cruelty he showed was mind boggling. He literally picked up just to tell me that he was “going to **** his new girl friend in 30 seconds” and hung up on me. The disgust I still feel over it has knocked me into a bit of a disassociated state of shock. But maybe that’s better than the despair I felt...? I just don’t understand how someone can act like that. Makes me feel like the last 15 years never happened. And that I’m worthless trash and easily replaceable.

Last edited by bluekoi; Jul 21, 2020 at 11:57 AM.. Reason: Profanity edit.
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Default Jul 21, 2020 at 10:22 AM
  #5
In reading what you shared Vegan, it's so concerning that you put so much value on a person who doesn't have the ability to care and even respect or appreciate you. Ewww, why would you even want to be with someone like that? He is just with another drug junkie, YUCK.
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Default Jul 21, 2020 at 11:45 AM
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In reading what you shared Vegan, it's so concerning that you put so much value on a person who doesn't have the ability to care and even respect or appreciate you. Ewww, why would you even want to be with someone like that? He is just with another drug junkie, YUCK.
I think there’s a bit of sunken cost fallacy...I put so much time and love onto the relationship that it’s mind boggling that it amounted to nothing. And of course, I loved him. It wasn’t all bad. And I stupidly kept holding out hope that if I just loved him hard enough, he’d treat me better. But not only did that not happen, but now he’s treating me like complete trash. Like I’m not even a person. And like the last 15 years never happened. All of his affection and attention is being put toward this new child junkie. And it IS gross, I agree! On so many levels. So you’re right to ask why I put so much value on him. I need to figure that out. I think I felt defined by his love (or what I thought was love.) like I somehow am not a full or complete or worthy person outside of the context of that relationship. So the question is; what do I do to rectify that within myself. Currently, I have moments where I feel like I can’t breathe. Or like there’s a rock in my chest. I’m scared to sleep b/c my thoughts turn to them together.
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Default Jul 21, 2020 at 01:30 PM
  #7
I stopped here because when you headed this "Intrusive thoughts" my first inclination was "this is something I am going to relate to" and I was right. I'm so sorry this has all happened to you. I had a pretty traumatic event happen to me a little over a year ago something I would never had thought would ever happen to me, and I have having intrusive thoughts about it almost daily ever since. It's not like my life was together before this happened but now I have pretty much given up hope on it ever getting better, every time I try to polish up my resume or look online for a new job in a place I'd rather be I just sort give up, what's the use I'm a terrible person and they'll find that out soon enough. I hope I didn't come off as taking your problem and making it all about me I just have really been struggling with this a lot lately and it is killing what little motivation I even had before this happened.

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Default Jul 22, 2020 at 11:33 AM
  #8
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Originally Posted by Vegansphynx View Post
I think there’s a bit of sunken cost fallacy...I put so much time and love onto the relationship that it’s mind boggling that it amounted to nothing. And of course, I loved him. It wasn’t all bad. And I stupidly kept holding out hope that if I just loved him hard enough, he’d treat me better. But not only did that not happen, but now he’s treating me like complete trash. Like I’m not even a person. And like the last 15 years never happened. All of his affection and attention is being put toward this new child junkie. And it IS gross, I agree! On so many levels. So you’re right to ask why I put so much value on him. I need to figure that out. I think I felt defined by his love (or what I thought was love.) like I somehow am not a full or complete or worthy person outside of the context of that relationship. So the question is; what do I do to rectify that within myself. Currently, I have moments where I feel like I can’t breathe. Or like there’s a rock in my chest. I’m scared to sleep b/c my thoughts turn to them together.
This is good, working on understanding WHY you invested so much that clearly was never respected or valued by him is important for YOU to understand.

Did you grow up with an alcoholic parent?
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Default Jul 23, 2020 at 05:23 AM
  #9
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This is good, working on understanding WHY you invested so much that clearly was never respected or valued by him is important for YOU to understand.

Did you grow up with an alcoholic parent?
I did. My mom is an alcoholic (and possibly a narcissist.) My dad is a recovering drug user-although he never full joined a program. The two are completely codependent. Though I was well provided for, I think I never came in first emotionally. My mother’s needs were always the priority. And my dad would defend her at all costs regardless of how she treated me. He only called her on her s*** if she attacked him in some way.
I started watching a video on trauma bonding. I think some of my garbage may be grounded in that...?
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Default Jul 23, 2020 at 05:38 AM
  #10
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Hello Vegansphynx: I see this is your first post here on PC. Welcome to Psych Central. I hope you find PC to be of benefit.
Thank you for welcoming me.
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Default Jul 23, 2020 at 05:47 AM
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I stopped here because when you headed this "Intrusive thoughts" my first inclination was "this is something I am going to relate to" and I was right. I'm so sorry this has all happened to you. I had a pretty traumatic event happen to me a little over a year ago something I would never had thought would ever happen to me, and I have having intrusive thoughts about it almost daily ever since. It's not like my life was together before this happened but now I have pretty much given up hope on it ever getting better, every time I try to polish up my resume or look online for a new job in a place I'd rather be I just sort give up, what's the use I'm a terrible person and they'll find that out soon enough. I hope I didn't come off as taking your problem and making it all about me I just have really been struggling with this a lot lately and it is killing what little motivation I even had before this happened.
I’m sorry that’s happening to you. I hope you will be able to move forward. But I understand how awful it is when it feels like your own brain is attacking you. Is that how it feels for you?
Mine won’t stop bombarding me with flashbacks of the abuse I endured, the special moments and memories we had together, and then images of him with the disaster he’s cheated on me with-and THOSE images! Those are torture. Everything from vivid pornographic thoughts of acts they’re engaging in, comparisons he must be making of the two of us, small intimacies the we shared that he now shares with her, etc etc. And those are the thoughts that keep me awake and literally jolt me out if the little sleep I do get. My brain has it all constantly running like a movie on a never ending loop. As if the heartache and callous disregard cause by my husband isn’t enough, I’m being tortured by my own brain.
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Default Jul 23, 2020 at 10:12 AM
  #12
(((((((Vegansphynx)))))))),

First, you have to stay away from this man for your own mental health. Secondly, given what you shared you have pretty much grown up dealing with parents that were addicts so you were emotionally neglected and abused.

Also, this man doesn't LOVE this other woman or even you, he is completely self involved and his life revolves around whatever can give him a high and escape from himself and reality. You are experiencing a battle in your mind because you wanted to love and care and instead you faced rejection and deep hurt. What you learned to engage in is trauma bonding, that's what is familiar to you due to how your parents were and probably still are. Also, you saw your parents interact in ways you thought was love for each other, but they were bonded through their addictions and that's not real love.

You have more than just anxiety going on, you are struggling with trauma and most likely ptsd. Possibly you have some stockholms issues as well and don't even know it.

Do you use drugs or alcohol yourself?
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Default Jul 23, 2020 at 10:57 AM
  #13
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(((((((Vegansphynx)))))))),

First, you have to stay away from this man for your own mental health. Secondly, given what you shared you have pretty much grown up dealing with parents that were addicts so you were emotionally neglected and abused.

Also, this man doesn't LOVE this other woman or even you, he is completely self involved and his life revolves around whatever can give him a high and escape from himself and reality. You are experiencing a battle in your mind because you wanted to love and care and instead you faced rejection and deep hurt. What you learned to engage in is trauma bonding, that's what is familiar to you due to how your parents were and probably still are. Also, you saw your parents interact in ways you thought was love for each other, but they were bonded through their addictions and that's not real love.

You have more than just anxiety going on, you are struggling with trauma and most likely ptsd. Possibly you have some stockholms issues as well and don't even know it.

Do you use drugs or alcohol yourself?
No. I used to drink and smoke weed on occasion when he and first met, but I quit once I realized he had a problem. I didn’t want to be a hypocrite by insisting he stop while I continued (even though I never did anything to excess.) I was impulsively self destructive in my teens and early 20s (eating disorders, Cutting, taking handfuls of anti anxiety meds, etc...,) but after over a decade of therapy I stopped that. I was so adamant about not to turn into an addict like my parents that I forget to watch out for falling in love with one. I feel really stupid. And once I was in, I was in.
It does feel like ptsd...yes. But how does one keep up the charade for 15 years and then switch it off so easily? And are the absolute loathing and hateful UGLY thoughts I’m having about the 2 of them indicative that I’M some kind of malignant narcissist or something? I did a kickboxing workout today and imagined pummeling her to death! I keep wishing that she cheats on him for drugs and gives him an sti. Am I a psychopath? I thought I was a good, kind, loving person. I switch careers to one that’s about helping people. But these are the things rattling in my brain, too
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Default Jul 24, 2020 at 08:56 AM
  #14
Just because you are a good, kind and caring person, doesn't mean you are going to be respected for it.

You are feeling the pangs of being rejected right now. Yet, you are not recognizing that this person is much too busy getting high and he simply doesn't care the way you had hoped he would. The reason you hate this other girl is because you feel she is getting what you deserved for how you put up with him and cared. What you are not recognizing is that this guy is NOT capable of giving you what you wanted, and he will toss this girl the same way. She is another addict and she joins him in getting high, his priority is getting high, THAT is what he cares about THE MOST.

That is how your parents were too. It's extremely hard to emotionally deal with individuals that are driven by their addictions. Hating this girl he is with isn't going to solve your hurt, she is just another addict that allows him to engage and that's really what he wants.
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Heart Aug 29, 2020 at 09:03 PM
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Angry Sep 22, 2020 at 04:36 PM
  #16
Your situation is oddly like mine. I've been desperately trying to sort it out in my head... maybe some of my thoughts will help.

I was married for 10years to a bipolar man who refused to get any kind of medical treatment. I did not know he was bipolar when we married. Soon enough the ups and downs began to cycle and I didn't know how to respond... kick him in the *** while down or tell him he was being an *** while up? He also refused to find work.... prob. because he knew he could not hold a job. When down, he stayed in the house and never came out and said everyone hated him. When up, he posted 25 times a day on Instagram, ran all over town like a grandiose, superman wild man, could not even hear what I was saying. I grew to hate the up phases.

I felt I could not kick him out bec. he did not have one penny to his name. When he inherited a little $ in Jan. '20 I striked while the iron was hot and found him a place and he moved out.

A month ago, he told me he has a new girlfriend. Something about it triggered rage and hurt in me. I've worked with my therapist on it. Here are some of my revelations:
-I'm a child of an alcoholic and will do anything to hold onto a relationship, even an unhealthy one... I dread abandonment and being alone.
-I'm horribly codependent and should have kicked him out after a year when he refused help and work. I held on... stupid.
-He, like your husband, has not given me one thought... he is blissfully in love. He has no empathy and is a narcissist. I am near suicidal with depression and he could care less. I think it's because he is so happy to be out from under my scrutiny. He gets to start all over with someone who does not yet know how horrible he can be. Also, I've heard that SHE is bipolar too. So she will impose no expectations.

Even before he moved out he started hanging out with some young musician girl, telling me they were just writing songs together blah blah and that I did not understand the musician world. Um, NO. I did kick him out but he had nowhere to go so I let him come back (stupidly). Then found him that place.

Though I know I let it happen, I hate him for taking advantage of me for 10 years and not feeling one bit of remorse.
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Default Sep 22, 2020 at 04:38 PM
  #17
Forgot to say... I also am having intrusive thoughts.... of my husband and new gf.... having sex, going to grocery store, making dinner, doing stuff people do. These thoughts are running on a loop in my head and driving me crazy!!! Would love advice on how to stop them
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Default Sep 29, 2020 at 04:02 AM
  #18
I am sorry for all of this. Thank god you are able to realize this now before it eats up your whole life. Do you have children together?

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Default Sep 29, 2020 at 02:22 PM
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I think there’s a bit of sunken cost fallacy...I put so much time and love onto the relationship that it’s mind boggling that it amounted to nothing. And of course, I loved him. It wasn’t all bad. And I stupidly kept holding out hope that if I just loved him hard enough, he’d treat me better. But not only did that not happen, but now he’s treating me like complete trash. Like I’m not even a person. And like the last 15 years never happened. All of his affection and attention is being put toward this new child junkie. And it IS gross, I agree! On so many levels. So you’re right to ask why I put so much value on him. I need to figure that out. I think I felt defined by his love (or what I thought was love.) like I somehow am not a full or complete or worthy person outside of the context of that relationship. So the question is; what do I do to rectify that within myself. Currently, I have moments where I feel like I can’t breathe. Or like there’s a rock in my chest. I’m scared to sleep b/c my thoughts turn to them together.
Oh my dear. HE is the trash, NOT you. Since he abused and mistreated you, he is the person of LOW CHARACTER. And he lied and cheated. Do you see that HE is NOT worthy of YOU??

What you need to see and realize is your OWN WORTH. He is beneath you. He is a SCUM. You are worthy of SO MUCH BETTER than this.

And so he hooked up with a young meth addict? You were asking him to clean up - and he couldn't. So what he did? Was get involved with someone ON HIS LEVEL who will allow him to continue his addictions and who will enable him. You weren't going to do that. He could not clean up his act.

Oh, hon, you deserve SO much better. Once you truly realize this, it will hurt a LOT less. Be glad you are rid of him. Once the clouds clear, you will be able to see it this way.

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