Very complicated situation

Sorry this is long but I wanted to give some back story-I am in my late 40s, my husband is quite a bit older (not an issue for me but is relevant). We have children, some still quite little. By any definition except legal, our marriage is non-existent. We are not really even co-parents anymore. The most important contribution he makes is financial.

I see now in hindsight that he was never really interested in having children, that is, he loves his children but in the abstract and as in "look at me in my 70s with all these beautiful children." The nitty-gritty of the wide range of childcare we have, he is not interested in (the older adolescent with mental health issues requiring constant monitoring, hospitals, meds, etc to the little one who still throws tantrums and needs to be reminded to brush her teeth and the ones in-between with various needs and wants). I have done 99% of the childcare since day one and didn't really question why (I would excuse it as, well he's older, he didn't do this with his other children, I'm young and strong, I can do without sleep and do the housekeeping all while getting my Master's and working full-time).

I love being a mom and that is not the issue now. This issue now I guess is I am tired of the status quo. He is not willing to change, maybe he is not able to change. Maybe it is unreasonable of me to think he should, at his age. He feels he does enough since he provides financially and occasionally does the dishes. He also feels since he makes more money than me he doesn't have to do all this other stuff?! That doesn't sit right with me. If I were paid for all of my unpaid labor over the years, I'm pretty sure I'd be a millionaire.. In addition, I am effectively in charge of the household, I handle the $, the bills, the schedules, the car maintenance etc. He claims ignorance at dealing with the "online stuff." He has also been able to continue work during the pandemic so he has been able to leave the house, have his meetings, get a respite from the lockdown which means he hasn't been home while I am dealing with everyone and everything..

My question is not whether we should separate but how to do it. I have decided to do it. The negative atmosphere in the house is not something I will subject the kids to anymore. And as I said, he is not willing to change and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he just can't. He's not suddenly going to have the desire and energy to take the kids to the park for 4 hours or take over the household budget and worry about their school. It's not even a question of love. I don't not love him-we have been together since my early 20's, he is as big a part of my life as my siblings. But the love has definitely been eroded by resentment over the years.

If I were to suddenly announce, we're separating, it would devastate our kids. His older kids would be furious with me and accuse me of abandoning their dad. He has some health issues, nothing gravely serious but he is in treatment (which I also deal with the insurance and the scheduling and sit with him for hours at the clinic and make him comfortable, his older kids have not ONCE done this or come to see him, they know I will do all that). So the story would be, she's horrible, leaving our dad when he's old and sick, in the middle of a pandemic.

I also have always told myself I would never ever get a divorce (unless I were a victim of abuse, which I am not at all). Both my parents were married and divorced at least 3x each, that was not fun for me growing up.

Basically, I feel trapped and don't know what to do. It's not even a question of my happiness, I think I probably am profoundly unhappy about my marriage but I am fulfilled by work and kids and it's not like I'm pining for romantic love or mourning our once amazing, loving relationship. Perhaps it has just run its course combined with his inability to adapt to our changing reality. I don't know.

On a last note-his doctors have told him he needs to isolate from our kids when (if!) they go back to school, while he is in treatment and until there's a viable vaccine, so he is actually moving out next month and I am getting all that set up, he will have a very nice setup. Maybe this should be a trial separation?

Thank you for reading this and any advice would be appreciated!

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Originally Posted by frannie70 I see now in hindsight that he was never really interested in having children, that is, he loves his children but in the abstract and as in "look at me in my 70s with all these beautiful children." The nitty-gritty of the wide range of childcare we have, he is not interested in (the older adolescent with mental health issues requiring constant monitoring, hospitals, meds, etc to the little one who still throws tantrums and needs to be reminded to brush her teeth and the ones in-between with various needs and wants).

What was the conversation when you decided to have kids? Did he seem enthusiastic? If he wasnt that doesnt excuse him because it takes two people to make a baby and he would have known you wanted to get pregnant and should of said something if he wasnt supportive. Did you talk about it and what it would entail? Did you talk about the division of labor and expectations?

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I have done 99% of the childcare since day one and didn't really question why (I would excuse it as, well he's older, he didn't do this with his other children, I'm young and strong, I can do without sleep and do the housekeeping all while getting my Master's and working full-time).

Welcome to the world of being a mother lol. What I mean is not that its ok that its that way but the lack of support women get, especially working women means many times we are mother and father. And the fact that you work, got your masters and cared for the children is amazing to me, but to many men (and single women) its no big deal. I would guess you didnt sign up for this. No one in their right mind would sign up for being the sole care provider 98% of the time, to being constantly tired, overworked, underappreciated and- well- overlooked for their contributions. You are right that if you have been paid for what you do you would be rich.

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I love being a mom and that is not the issue now. This issue now I guess is I am tired of the status quo. He is not willing to change, maybe he is not able to change. Maybe it is unreasonable of me to think he should, at his age. He feels he does enough since he provides financially and occasionally does the dishes. He also feels since he makes more money than me he doesn't have to do all this other stuff?! That doesn't sit right with me.

Unless he made it clear when you decided to have kids that he wasnt going to participate much you have every right to expect him to help- even if he is older or seems resistant to change. Its an excuse I fail to comprehend. I agree that being able to show off his brood of children is self gratifying. My dads' father was like that. He had 4 boys and cheated on his wife with his secretary and married her and had 2 new kids. He treated his first grandaughter (me) like a second class citizen yet still thinks he is so cool because I have 3 kids and he is a great grandfather. (I havent spoken to him in 20 years).
This makes me so angry. What I mean is to hold a financial weight above your head because he can (if he is doing that) is so unfair.

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In addition, I am effectively in charge of the household, I handle the $, the bills, the schedules, the car maintenance etc. He claims ignorance at dealing with the "online stuff." He has also been able to continue work during the pandemic so he has been able to leave the house, have his meetings, get a respite from the lockdown which means he hasn't been home while I am dealing with everyone and everything..

I personally resent the term "stay at home mom" Homemaker or house wife. If I had to give myself a title it would be vice president because the only reason I am not president would be because I make less money.

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My question is not whether we should separate but how to do it. I have decided to do it. The negative atmosphere in the house is not something I will subject the kids to anymore. And as I said, he is not willing to change and I am giving him the benefit of the doubt that maybe he just can't. He's not suddenly going to have the desire and energy to take the kids to the park for 4 hours or take over the household budget and worry about their school. It's not even a question of love. I don't not love him-we have been together since my early 20's, he is as big a part of my life as my siblings. But the love has definitely been eroded by resentment over the years.

Have you ever asked him to change?

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If I were to suddenly announce, we're separating, it would devastate our kids. His older kids would be furious with me and accuse me of abandoning their dad. He has some health issues, nothing gravely serious but he is in treatment (which I also deal with the insurance and the scheduling and sit with him for hours at the clinic and make him comfortable, his older kids have not ONCE done this or come to see him, they know I will do all that). So the story would be, she's horrible, leaving our dad when he's old and sick, in the middle of a pandemic.

I am sorry but f**k his kids. They are not living with you or supporting their father so they get no say. Zero. If they were to treat you that way then they are assholes and do not deserve a second thought.

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On a last note-his doctors have told him he needs to isolate from our kids when (if!) they go back to school, while he is in treatment and until there's a viable vaccine, so he is actually moving out next month and I am getting all that set up, he will have a very nice setup. Maybe this should be a trial separation? Thank you for reading this and any advice would be appreciated!

I think the isolating from the family is a good way to gauge how things will go without lighting a fire by announcing you want to separate. I think you should give it a go and see how you feel. See how he feels and if you can emotionally cope. That should give you some type of measurement to go by,