First Day

Hi All

Today is the first official day, after many failed attempts, that I have separated from my husband of 2.5 years. Don't get me wrong, I'm the one who ended it, but I do love him very much despite everything. I know he has a good heart and loved me in his way, would even die for me, but he couldn't stop abusing me. If I felt I was a bad person or a bad wife, I could even put up with it, but I don't think I am. I supported him financially, mentally, every way you could think of for over 4 years, and he finally drove me to my breaking point.

I had never had a serious relationship before him. Some stupid little flirtations, but never anything real or lasting. I had just gotten over having my heart broken by someone who used me to build his self-esteem, but never actually wanted me, and I was not looking for anything serious after having been badly burned. And then I met him, also not wanting anything serious with me, he wanted to marry into his own culture and religion. I was fine with that. So long as he was honest with me. We were practically always together from that point on. Unless work or some family thing of his intervened, we were together. He has that sort of clingy personality. I'm not like that myself, but I never had the heart to tell him no, and truthfully, I enjoyed going out and doing things with him. I had never had that before. But I also saw his controlling, angry side. He didn't have an easy to get along with personality. He often had violent outbursts at his family members, also with me. It was really never physical, maybe once or twice a slap, but we're talking once over a 6-10 month period. Always over some imagined insult or something he didn't like. He was very jealous and possessive. Made me leave my personal trainer AND local gym to go to one 3 times as far away with a female trainer. I couldn't have male friends, not even gay ones. Even my female friends were no good. All sluts or fake according to him. Made me drop all of them or if I did want to see them, texted me non-stop while I was out with them, asked for pics to prove I was with a girl, wanted to know what we were doing at all times and when I was leaving, which was never soon enough. Couldn't even go to baby showers in the daytime with no issue. He would block me and disappear for a few days, then reappear and kiss up to get back with me. During about a year of this, I knew he wanted to get married to a girl of his background so I would let him speak with and even go out on dates with girls who he had gotten numbers from friends or family. Foolish of me perhaps, but I always assumed no future for us together, so as long as he was honest and would break it off with me if things got serious with one of them, I would be happy for him and give him my blessing. Because of his argumentative personality, he never met anyone serious. His cousin and sister in law were the only family members who knew about me and they eventually convinced him to consider me seriously and introduce me to the rest of his family. It seemed a little fast to me at first, but I cared for him by that time and agreed. Everything went well and in a roundabout way his family and he sat us down and made known they wanted us to get married. We were basically living together in my apartment by that time. I felt it was a little quick, but I did love him and I thought I knew all of him, good and bad by that point.

I should have listened to people and the warning signs. Not one person I told about him or met him, liked him. They all said he seemed controlling, too much. I'm a very laid back person in nature. I thought he was sort of like my brothers. Just quick tempered and a little OCD and I knew how to handle him. Everyone warned me. I lost 2 of my childhood best friends because of him. Because they couldn't eventually take how I tried to prioritize my marriage and my partner, and how I put him before them. Even people I barely knew warned me away from him.

But I was headstrong and foolish that love could conquer anything. I even converted religions for him (something that I struggled internally making a decision with because I knew how much our faith meant to my deceased parents, it felt like a betrayal). And he seemed to change in his actions towards me once I met his family. He became not so jealous. He started to trust me. He realized I would never betray him. He became closer to me and stopped the childish nonsense he had been doing before. We still occasionally fought, but we worked through it. My first year of marriage was AMAZING. We traveled everywhere and just enjoyed each other and life together. This was honestly the best year of my life. If I didn't fully love him before, I loved him completely that first year. He opened up a life for me and gave me a family and happiness I had not experienced since I was a child. Nothing was of course perfect, but overall,I considered myself happily married and lucky.

And then January 2019, it was like a switch flipped. We had chosen to spend NYE at home alone together as opposed to spending it at his grandmother's the way we had the year before, which was completely boring and stupid to me (so maybe this had been more at my insistence than his). We facetimed his family at midnight and I remember looking at his face and seeing he looked like he wished he was there instead of home with me, even though I thought we had been having a great cozy night together at home. Ever hear of that adage, how you begin your NYE is how the year will go? It's almost like that happened. EVERYTHING started going downhill. He started flipping on me over the smallest things and And over such small things. Dust on a table. I didn't put something away the way he liked it. I forgot to buy or do something non-urgent. He didn't like the facial expression I had. I was never a good enough housewife. He felt like the "*****" in the relationship because he had more time to do things at home while i was at work supporting us, but still was expected to clean, cook, do laundry, etc even though when I did get home from work he never wanted to let me do anything, he wanted to go out. I never tried hard enough according to him to fix myself, yet I tried SO hard to make myself into everything he wanted me to be.

My breaking point was last night. I told him for the dozenth time today that it was over. I don't even care anymore that he blames it all on me. I know I tried to be patient, that I tried to please him as best I could. I'm standing firm this time though. He always convinced me in the past we both would try, and our love was enough to overcome everything. But I think I realize now he's a narcissist. I do believe he loves me in his way. And I do feel bad because I do not think he will ever find someone who will put up with his ******** the way I did. Always forgave him, loved and supported him, never criticized or asked anything of him but respect, the one thing he could never give me. I think he just needs me to fill his sense of self-esteem and importance.

So now I'm sleeping in my car tonight. Told him I was staying away for the weekend so he could pack his stuff while he moves back to his mom's.

Before now, we had listed our (or rather my) apartment for sale because of our asshole neighbor upstairs, and we're already in contract to sell by 9/5, but I have no idea where I'm moving to, especially now that it's just me. I have no family, they all passed away. My brother, the last relative I was close to, passed away in March. I have no friends anymore since he made me alienate them all. I'm 32 and the most alone and confused I've been in my entire life.

I know I'll get through this. But I'm still so depressed and sad inside. I did love him despite everything we went through. We were together all the time. So many things we experienced together. I can't even imagine going certain places without thinking of him now. Plans we had for the future are all destroyed. I'm just trying to figure out how to pick up the pieces.

If anyone wants to chat on Whats app, I'm available, just message me.

Spreading warm and loving thoughts to all of you struggling right now. You deserve only happiness and there will be good days ahead for you. I believe that it's shining somewhere even when it rains, and your sunshine will come as well.

Thank you for sharing this sad story. Hopefully being here on PC can be of some comfort & support to you as you move forward.

Here are links to 4 articles, from PC's archives, that may be of some interest:

8 Tips for Healing Emotional Wounds

What to expect after leaving your narcissist and going "no contact"

7 Steps to Emotionally Heal After Leaving (or Living With) a Narcissist

How to Recover from a Narcissistic Relationship | The Exhausted Woman

Best wishes...

I am sorry to hear about abuse you endured. He is a violent abuser. Is there a shelter you can go to where you can stay until you get a new place? Also you know you can call police and press charges for physical abuse you endured? I am so glad you are ending it and please don’t come around him unless police is present