On the verge

I’m on the verge of filing for divorce from my husband of 23 years. We have 2 kids together (21 & 17.5 yrs old) and he has a married adult daughter from his first marriage.

He is a good man... been a good husband in many ways... but he is 10 years older than me... we have been growing apart for several years now. I’m only 49 and feel younger than my years. He is 59 and ready to retire. He is an introverted homebody when he’s not working and I am very much a social person who loves to do things with friends. I like to travel. He wants a cabin by a lake for retirement and I want to be able to go and explore and experience life. Our kids are at the launchpad into their own lives. I am not in the hands-on mothering stage any longer. I’m looking down the road into my future and I’m feeling unfulfilled. We are not compatible when it comes to money stuff and that’s been a huge source of contention over the years. He took a job 2 1/2 years ago that takes him out of town for 2-3 weeks at a time and I finally started to flourish. I found I love my independence and can take care of myself just fine. I have my own full time job I love, where I make just as much money as he does.

About 4 years ago I was feeling very down. I had gained a lot of weight over the course of our marriage. It never mattered to my husband, honestly. He loved me thru thick or thin. But I wasn’t happy with myself. So I began a health and fitness journey that led me to losing over 100 lbs and started an active lifestyle of running and doing races. He was supportive of these things. Plus he had started the new job that took him away a lot of the time, so I did so much more on my own. I started to like it. I was feeling like “my old self” once again... younger than I had in years and healthy, happy and strong.

When I first met him, we were both younger and I fell head over heals in love. He was 33, divorced with a then 6 year old daughter who I love as my own. I had just turned 23 when we met, had never been married, nor had I lived with any of my boyfriends. I over-looked many of our differences at the time because I was in love. He was the complete opposite of prior old boyfriends, and so I think that was a part of the appeal. But now it seems the differences are more pronounced the older he gets. He is someone I love and care about very much as family and the father of my kids. I’d like to remain friends with him. To be his friend going forward. I have no ill will towards him. I am just no longer in love with him and do not feel like a wife should towards her husband any longer. It’s been a long time coming. I started therapy almost a year ago. We almost split up last fall but in a last minute panic at what it would do to our family, I balked. I tried to shove all my feelings down and “make it work”. That’s when I started to backslide on my health & fitness... was falling into old bad habits.... Gaining back almost 40 lbs of the 116 lbs I had lost. I could feel myself sinking... settling... I have since gotten back on track with healthy eating and exercise once again and feeling good because of it. Finally somehow thru this pandemic and the insanity of 2020 I decided I no longer want to live “half a life” and just go along to get along. I realize I don’t want to be married any longer. But I also can’t imagine my husband not being a part of my life in some way going forward... at least as friends. But I cannot live MY life to please other people... even my own kids. I think ultimately they will be ok if we handle it right.

Husband and I are discussing this possible split this week when he gets home. It’s do or die time. The thing is... when we first started discussing the possibility of splitting up he was all kubaya about it. Agreed to be friendly and come to our own agreements on everything without a lawyer etc. The last week though whenever we speak on the phone or text he is very argumentative and angry. No more Kumbaya I guess. He said today to make sure I have all the financial stuff figured out and get the divorce papers so we can start this. I told him we need to slow it down and talk more, but now he’s saying there’s nothing to talk about... if I want a divorce, he’ll give me one. He said he will be friendly and nice in front of the kids and other family, but otherwise we don’t need to see or speak after it’s finished. 😩 I’m sure it’s a lot of hurt and anger surfacing now. But I don’t want this to get ugly.

Any worldly advice from those of you who have been thru it? Especially ones who filed and wanted the divorce? Even thought I want it and know it’s for the best, it is still a huge change and very hard. This is in no way something I take lightly.

Thank you for listening.

hi whatsnext20! I hear what you're saying. It's just sad. I'm 63 and on my 2nd marriage. I've lived with someone before that for 10 yrs. This marriage of mine is 8 yrs. and rocky now. Husband has 2 grown boys and one granddaughter who is 4. I really feel for you. You can't have it your way with the husband, being friends for right now. My ex boyfriend and I are friends now. It took years for that. I didn't want any harm come to him. It was emotional for both relationships to end. take care my friend!

Hi @whatsnext20, first off, welcome to the forums! Secondly, while I have NOT been through what you are going through, I have been on the brink of divorce before. I am married, but newly married, and no children. So while my situation may greatly differ from yours, I may be able to still impart some wisdom and advice.

It does sound like it's the end of the marriage for you. Bottom line: life is far too short to sacrifice what you truly want out of life, for the sake of another's happiness. As you stated, you've grown in different directions and want very different things out of life at this stage. It will be most unfulfilling for you, and therefore, unhappy, if you stay. It already effected your fitness and health routine when you first backed down. I think you owe to yourself to follow through with the plan of divorce, and honestly, to your husband as well. Because if you're unhappy going forward, it will show to everyone involved. And it will effect everyone involved.

That being said, being friends may be difficult to accomplish and could take years, after your husband heals. He is clearly hurting from this. But that doesn't mean you should back down and reconsider. It means that friendship is not possible yet. He will need time and distance..... it is to be expected. It's a long-term marriage that is ending. That can be very painful to the one who doesn't want it.

Your children are grown and will be able to handle it.

We have ONE life to live, and I say, live it as FULLY as possible, to the extent that is possible. And if staying in the marriage means being unhappy for you, then by all means, it's time to end it.

Hugs and strength to you. I know it takes a lot of courage to end a long-term commitment.